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You Asked: Do I Love Him or Not?

Dear Sugar--

I dated a guy all throughout college, we were definitely in love and things were great. When we graduated, it became increasingly harder to make things work -- mostly on my end. I wanted to do things that I had planned for years, like travel. He needed to work so he couldn't join me (he tried), but regardless I wanted to travel without him. I am not sure how to explain it, I still loved him (love) but I began to want more...other people, different scenery, adventure. I told him I wanted a break while I traveled and he sadly agreed. It sort of worked out. I briefly dated other guys but I still had contact with him. We didn't exchange info about who or if we dated. For some reason, even though I was still totally in love with him I started to pull away, ending in our breakup a few months ago.

I got back to the U.S. coincidentally close to his birthday. We had not talked in about a month, and he had no idea I was back, so I texted him saying happy birthday. Ever since then (about 5 weeks) he text messages me 1-2 times a week saying things like, "Missing you today" or "Your favorite show is on channel 7." Then 2 weeks ago he texted that he still loved me and hopes somehow "things work out." I don't get it.

What does he want? Where is this going? I know I should ask him but I honestly don't want to deal with that huge "talk". I am trying to eliminate stress from my life and "just be" for a while. I still love him and miss him everyday too, however, I just want to be alone. I want to be with him for so many reasons yet not with him for others. How can I reconcile those two feelings?

--Spirited Sarah

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Spirited Sarah--

Love is a strange thing, it isn't always black and white. You may love him, but the timing might be off, and that's ok, but you have to be honest with him. It sounds like you're calling the shots here, remember you were the one who went off and left him, and I'm sure he missed you and was completely devastated, so you threw him a bone. Now that you're back in the U.S., he's thinking that you can go back to how things were before you went away. He obviously still loves you and wishes you two were still together.

It sounds like you do love and care for this guy, but not enough to want to be with him right now. If that's the case, you've got to tell him that. You have to have "the talk" with him, you owe him that -- be honest about your feelings, let him know you simply want to be free to experience new people and places right now because somehow he's thinking that there's still a chance you'll work things out. If it's meant to be later down the road, it will happen, but let him go experience new people and places too if your heart isn't where his is right now. Good luck.


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