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You Asked: Do I Love Him or Not?

Dear Sugar--

I dated a guy all throughout college, we were definitely in love and things were great. When we graduated, it became increasingly harder to make things work -- mostly on my end. I wanted to do things that I had planned for years, like travel. He needed to work so he couldn't join me (he tried), but regardless I wanted to travel without him. I am not sure how to explain it, I still loved him (love) but I began to want more...other people, different scenery, adventure. I told him I wanted a break while I traveled and he sadly agreed. It sort of worked out. I briefly dated other guys but I still had contact with him. We didn't exchange info about who or if we dated. For some reason, even though I was still totally in love with him I started to pull away, ending in our breakup a few months ago.

I got back to the U.S. coincidentally close to his birthday. We had not talked in about a month, and he had no idea I was back, so I texted him saying happy birthday. Ever since then (about 5 weeks) he text messages me 1-2 times a week saying things like, "Missing you today" or "Your favorite show is on channel 7." Then 2 weeks ago he texted that he still loved me and hopes somehow "things work out." I don't get it.

What does he want? Where is this going? I know I should ask him but I honestly don't want to deal with that huge "talk". I am trying to eliminate stress from my life and "just be" for a while. I still love him and miss him everyday too, however, I just want to be alone. I want to be with him for so many reasons yet not with him for others. How can I reconcile those two feelings?

--Spirited Sarah

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Spirited Sarah--

Love is a strange thing, it isn't always black and white. You may love him, but the timing might be off, and that's ok, but you have to be honest with him. It sounds like you're calling the shots here, remember you were the one who went off and left him, and I'm sure he missed you and was completely devastated, so you threw him a bone. Now that you're back in the U.S., he's thinking that you can go back to how things were before you went away. He obviously still loves you and wishes you two were still together.

It sounds like you do love and care for this guy, but not enough to want to be with him right now. If that's the case, you've got to tell him that. You have to have "the talk" with him, you owe him that -- be honest about your feelings, let him know you simply want to be free to experience new people and places right now because somehow he's thinking that there's still a chance you'll work things out. If it's meant to be later down the road, it will happen, but let him go experience new people and places too if your heart isn't where his is right now. Good luck.

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Alisha_Stiletto Alisha_Stiletto 8 years
Feels like you dug him up purposely, maybe for a bigger reason than wishing him a happy happy. I think you want to know that he misses and loves you still, thats a type of "in case of emergency, break glass" deal. Let him go. When you figure out where YOUR head is, then you let him know. Anything else is cruel.
Alisha_Stiletto Alisha_Stiletto 8 years
Feels like you dug him up purposely, maybe for a bigger reason than wishing him a happy happy.I think you want to know that he misses and loves you still, thats a type of "in case of emergency, break glass" deal. Let him go.When you figure out where YOUR head is, then you let him know. Anything else is cruel.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
bhibbert is totally right. You both had different priorities and neither of you were the top of the others list. I think that this guy is just convinient. He's become a nice habit for you and you don't like the idea of him just.. going and finding somebody else. If you love him then you'll let him go. He needs to move on from you if you are going to continue to break his heart like this.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
bhibbert is totally right. You both had different priorities and neither of you were the top of the others list.I think that this guy is just convinient. He's become a nice habit for you and you don't like the idea of him just.. going and finding somebody else.If you love him then you'll let him go. He needs to move on from you if you are going to continue to break his heart like this.
k_b k_b 8 years
just because you love someone and they may be everything you are looking for, doesn't necessarily mean they are the right one. you need to talk to him first of all, and maybe discussing it with him can help you to understand how you feel better. it's not fair to you.. because if you are trying to eliminate stress in your life it's not going to help to have this hanging over your head, and it's not fair to string him along either. i hope everything works out for the best.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 8 years
You don't know what he wants? Honestly, you're really asking that question? Listen to this...if you break up with a man after years (I'm guessing) of dating, and then continue to stay in contact immediately afterwards, of course he's going to keep on pursuing you! First you tell him you want a break, then break up with him, then keep contact with him, then move back...tell me that if you weren't in his situation, that you wouldn't trying to pick up where you left off. You owe it to him to have the "talk". Heck, you were able to pull off the "let's take a break" and the "let's break up" talk, weren't you? Then this should be easy.However, if he starts stalking or getting a little too agressive with this, then I would break off all contact with him and call the police to set up a restraining order.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 8 years
You don't know what he wants? Honestly, you're really asking that question? Listen to this...if you break up with a man after years (I'm guessing) of dating, and then continue to stay in contact immediately afterwards, of course he's going to keep on pursuing you! First you tell him you want a break, then break up with him, then keep contact with him, then move back...tell me that if you weren't in his situation, that you wouldn't trying to pick up where you left off. You owe it to him to have the "talk". Heck, you were able to pull off the "let's take a break" and the "let's break up" talk, weren't you? Then this should be easy. However, if he starts stalking or getting a little too agressive with this, then I would break off all contact with him and call the police to set up a restraining order.
bhibbert bhibbert 8 years
If it's right for you both to be together the two of you will find a way. He needed to work? You needed to travel?I understand that we all have responsibilities but everything in life comes down to priorities. It is easy to do everything in life you want to do, just hard choosing what it is you really want to do!My point is that he was not your priority, and you were not his. That tells you something.
bhibbert bhibbert 8 years
If it's right for you both to be together the two of you will find a way. He needed to work? You needed to travel? I understand that we all have responsibilities but everything in life comes down to priorities. It is easy to do everything in life you want to do, just hard choosing what it is you really want to do! My point is that he was not your priority, and you were not his. That tells you something.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 8 years
You do need to talk to him, there is no way in avoiding it. Trust me, from experience, you will regret it if you just weasel out of it and /or ignore his needs.
Vdogg Vdogg 8 years
I can definately relate to you.. I've been with my guy for a while, & although we haven't broken up I'm really started to get tempted by all the aspects of life i have not yet experienced (coincidentally we're now fighting about me wanting to travel!). I'm also starting to notice other guys more & think that if someone new and exciting came along that I would be open to a relationship with them. I do however, have strong caring and affectionate feelings for him. i think he's the best guy on earth and he treats me extremely well (minus the fact that we need to spruce up our dates). sorry that i cant offer you any advice since i myself don't know what to do, but at least you know you're not alone.
Vdogg Vdogg 8 years
I can definately relate to you.. I've been with my guy for a while, & although we haven't broken up I'm really started to get tempted by all the aspects of life i have not yet experienced (coincidentally we're now fighting about me wanting to travel!). I'm also starting to notice other guys more & think that if someone new and exciting came along that I would be open to a relationship with them. I do however, have strong caring and affectionate feelings for him. i think he's the best guy on earth and he treats me extremely well (minus the fact that we need to spruce up our dates). sorry that i cant offer you any advice since i myself don't know what to do, but at least you know you're not alone.
nicachica nicachica 8 years
of course it's no walk in the park, but you really do need to do the mature thing and talk to him and let him know that you simply don't want to be in a relationship right now. how would you feel if it was the other way around and he was the one dropping in and out of your life? wouldn't you feel like your feelings were being tossed around a bit? (read Group Therapy for examples!) Dear is right...throw the guy a bone and end this relationship with the dignity and finality it deserves. you owe it to him and to yourself. good luck.
nicachica nicachica 8 years
of course it's no walk in the park, but you really do need to do the mature thing and talk to him and let him know that you simply don't want to be in a relationship right now. how would you feel if it was the other way around and he was the one dropping in and out of your life? wouldn't you feel like your feelings were being tossed around a bit? (read Group Therapy for examples!)Dear is right...throw the guy a bone and end this relationship with the dignity and finality it deserves. you owe it to him and to yourself. good luck.
summer-roberts summer-roberts 8 years
You def owe it to him to discuss what you are feeling about him right now. It is very possible to love him without being in love with him. I do think you should take time to figure out what it is you want and if he is who you want to share it with.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
I think dearsugar could be right. I also think that you maybe realize that you do love him, but he isn't the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. To me it sounds like its the kind of relationship where nothing bad has really happend, no one cheated, or fought a lot or anything like that, but at the same time, its just not quite right. Maybe y'all have just grown apart and want different things in life. I would talk to him though and tell him how you really feel no matter what.
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