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You Asked: Do We Have a Chance?

Dear Sugar,

I met a really great guy about three years ago. He's from another country and was in my city for a couple days because of work. We talked for a while and exchanged emails. We've now spent these years writing to each other and getting to know each other well, until last year when he suddenly stopped contacting me. Last month I found out he was coming here again (work keeps him traveling) so I wrote to him. He confirmed this and said we should meet up. We got together for drinks and had a blast — it was amazing! We spent all night talking. I realized I have true feelings for him, and dare I say, he likes me, too. But it's complicated as we live over 6,000 miles away.

Anyway, he left the next day and it's been a week and I haven't heard from him. As I was the one to ask him if he was coming over, I don't know if I should be the first to write again. But I don't want to lose him. I know he finds me attractive and he did say we had a lot in common. We both didn't want to say goodbye and hoped to meet again. He even said I was welcome to visit him anytime and that his family knew about me. Sometimes I think it's all in my head but sometimes I think this guy's for me and that he feels that too but he's unsure because of the distance. What do I do?

— Miles Apart Megs

To see DearSugar's answer,

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Dear Miles Apart Megs,

Well, those kind of miles certainly take the term long-distance relationship to a whole new level, but it's certainly possible if you're both committed and as long as there is an end in sight. Obviously, there is a connection between the two of you if you've managed to stay in touch for so many years, and if you get the vibe that he has feelings for you, then you're probably right. But it does sound as if he doesn't see the possibility of a relationship as a reality because of the distance or another concern.

Normally, I might tell you to just move on and meet someone within driving distance, but you sound passionate and it's always worth trying. So reach out to him and tell him what an amazing time you had, and that you're afraid you'll lose him. Yes, it's taking a risk, but why not? He lives around the world — you have nothing to lose. If his reaction is casual and withdrawn, it'll be clear that he just wants to be friends. But there's always the hope that it will open up the doors to something more. Either way, at least you'll have your answer.

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ilanac13 ilanac13 7 years
this really is a hard situation to think about. i met a guy while i was studying abroad and started dating him after my semester was over. i lived in NYC and he lived in London, so there was a lot of distance and it was complicated. because of the country that he came from (where his passport was issued) he wasn't ever able to get a VISA to come to the USA so i always had to go over there. for me, it was worth it because i got to see him and it was fun to travel there all the time, but the stress that i felt was that i felt like we were never in a real life situation since every time i was there i wasn't working and he wasn't working. i think that since your man comes to you for work, then it's different since you could know what it's like to be around him while you're both in 'real life'. i think that if you feel like there's something there, there's really nothing to lose by talking to him about it and reaching out to him. sometimes since you're so far away you don't know what's going on in his life so he could just be really busy with work and that's why he hasn't contacted you. if you've managed to stay in touch consistently for so long, then that means that there's something that you should pursue. i hope that you're able to talk to him and figure things out. one of my best friends met his girlfriend at a work thing and they lived in different countries for 5+ years of their relationship and only this past year did they both move to the United States and to New York and are living together but they are VERY happy.
ilanac13 ilanac13 7 years
this really is a hard situation to think about. i met a guy while i was studying abroad and started dating him after my semester was over. i lived in NYC and he lived in London, so there was a lot of distance and it was complicated. because of the country that he came from (where his passport was issued) he wasn't ever able to get a VISA to come to the USA so i always had to go over there. for me, it was worth it because i got to see him and it was fun to travel there all the time, but the stress that i felt was that i felt like we were never in a real life situation since every time i was there i wasn't working and he wasn't working. i think that since your man comes to you for work, then it's different since you could know what it's like to be around him while you're both in 'real life'. i think that if you feel like there's something there, there's really nothing to lose by talking to him about it and reaching out to him. sometimes since you're so far away you don't know what's going on in his life so he could just be really busy with work and that's why he hasn't contacted you. if you've managed to stay in touch consistently for so long, then that means that there's something that you should pursue. i hope that you're able to talk to him and figure things out. one of my best friends met his girlfriend at a work thing and they lived in different countries for 5+ years of their relationship and only this past year did they both move to the United States and to New York and are living together but they are VERY happy.
bluestar bluestar 7 years
PS....babysoftpink...ever seen "Fatal Attraction"? LOL
gemsera gemsera 7 years
DONT GIVE UP is all I can say. My man and I finally got together after four years of talking on and off and he used to disappear all the time for no real reason. We were good friends for so many years and when he finally realised we hooked up. I moved countries for him as it was worth it. You dont know whats going on in his life or his work or his family at any time so dont judge just send him a mail and see whats going on :)
gemsera gemsera 7 years
DONT GIVE UP is all I can say.My man and I finally got together after four years of talking on and off and he used to disappear all the time for no real reason. We were good friends for so many years and when he finally realised we hooked up.I moved countries for him as it was worth it. You dont know whats going on in his life or his work or his family at any time so dont judge just send him a mail and see whats going on :)
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
In all honesty, the first thought I had when I read this was: he has a gf or a wife. Find someone closer to home, so you can have a real relationship instead of just a friendship/fantasy of what things could be. Good luck. To babysoftpink Comments like yours scare me, because you make it sound like you would try to pursue a relationship with a man with a gf, wife or children. In my opinion, that is desperate. Why would you need to pursue a man that already has someone?! There are plenty of single men out there, there is no good reason to break up a family just because you might fancy some guy!
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
In all honesty, the first thought I had when I read this was: he has a gf or a wife. Find someone closer to home, so you can have a real relationship instead of just a friendship/fantasy of what things could be. Good luck.To babysoftpinkComments like yours scare me, because you make it sound like you would try to pursue a relationship with a man with a gf, wife or children. In my opinion, that is desperate. Why would you need to pursue a man that already has someone?! There are plenty of single men out there, there is no good reason to break up a family just because you might fancy some guy!
bluestar bluestar 7 years
You can tell when a guy likes you, they call you, they want to take you out, they let you know! And if not, who wants to date someone that doesn't have the confidence to make a friggin move?
Jillz1128 Jillz1128 7 years
Yeah, he's just not that into you.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
has anyone guess wrong before? Like you think the guy likes you but he really does not, he is just being friendly? How do we know if a guy likes you? I feel like I have to guess all the time. Maybe b/c you could still be an amature at age 50.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
If this guy liked you you'd know - you wouldn't be guessing. You can ask him directly if you want to though. I guess I don't see the harm.
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
p.s. I wanted to add that depending on where he's from, he may not be as assertive as American men are about this type of thing (our dating rules are significantly different from others', sometimes). I strongly recommend at least alerting him to how you feel, and suggesting an LDR. If he's not interested, he'll tell you.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
hmm...for me I won't give up so easily. so what if he has a gf (that won't stop me if I feel so passionately about a guy). Neither would his children or wife stop me. The important thing is you feel a connection, even if rejection at its worse, you've got to tell him. Then it will up to him. A meant to be relationship never come easy. You need to take charge and ask him. It is also not unheard of for a guy to give up everything to be with a girl. The stopping to contact you may just mean that he needs reassurance that you are really serious about this. Some guys have confidence issue and since he is a hottie, there is no lacking of women so they would date someone because it is easy for them. Guys marry not the best girl but the girls that is good enough and around at the time when he really wants to get married. Ask around you will see what I am saying. Thanks
austerity austerity 7 years
Agree with most people above. If he suddenly stopped contacting you, he probably had a reason for it. My hunch too, is that he found somebody there. Stop contacting him, and see what happens (if nothing does, let it go!). Don't make yourself vulnerable by running after him. And I don't know which foreign country he's from, but remember that in a lot of other cultures, hospitality to others (especially non-countrymen) is a given. 'Come and visit me anytime' is a standard thing people say in some countries out of politeness.
bchicgrl bchicgrl 7 years
while I agree with most in saying if he hasn't contacted you in a year then he's probably not interested I also agree on you should just take a chance and flat out ask him. If he turns you down at least you will have your closure and can finally move on but if he says ok well get ready for a wild ride :D
Jeny Jeny 7 years
He was probably trying to get laid. Sorry to be so blunt but me and my hunnie live in two different cities and that does NOT stop him from emailing, texting, and calling me very frequently.. If he was truly interested, you'd know.. but you don't, so that should tell you something... Find someone in your city or someone who's open for a LDR
sugarbritches sugarbritches 7 years
I agree with the above...time to let it go and find someone else. I'm not big on long distance relationships to begin with and this one sounds like a heartbreak waiting to happen. Besides, you can't lose something you never had to begin with...cut your losses and move on.
njau njau 7 years
i think he was being gentleman like when saying you could come visit and stuff, but I am on the side that you are over thinking it and that he's got someone else. That's what I read off of this. There's a reason as to why he stopped contacting you in the first place and he wasn't the first to say that he'd be near you in this latest work development. He only accepted after you had initiated contact in the first place. He's a friend and that's all.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
He stopped contacting you for a year, and even if he hadn't, you have several oceans separating you + his lack of investment.
designerel designerel 7 years
He probably sees the distance as a huge obstacle and doesn't want to lead you on.
bluestar bluestar 7 years
If he hasn't emailed you since, then I would say he's not really that interested. :(
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
I totally agree with Dear. In this situation, I'd be direct and tell him how you feel. You don't have anything to lose - if it works out, that's fantastic. If it doesn't, well, you'll never have to see him again and you can just continue being friendly if you want.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
I agree. You know the saying -- He's just not that into you. Leave him alone, and move on.
cubadog cubadog 7 years
I say move on. If he didn't contact you for a year and he has been home for a week he has no intention of e-mailing you. My gut would tell me that he has a girlfriend.
cubadog cubadog 7 years
I say move on. If he didn't contact you for a year and he has been home for a week he has no intention of e-mailing you. My gut would tell me that he has a girlfriend.
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