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You Asked: Does My Boyfriend Love His Porn More Than Me?

Dear Sugar,

I came home from work about a year ago to find porn left open on my computer. I was a little shocked but I wasn't upset at the time. I called him out and joked about it, hoping he wouldn't feel too embarrassed and I suggested we watch it together and asked him if he would show me the porn he likes. I've watched porn with all my other boyfriends before except this one.

The part where I start getting upset is when (about a year ago) we start having sex only once a week, and he seems to be totally fine with this. I'm sorry but I need more sex than that and I can sense my ego shrinking, and ideas about my sexuality growing more insecure because I feel I don't have the power to turn him on. I'm scared to even try to turn him on for fear he'll reject me. This obviously does not help our situation. We've talked about it many times. At first I tried being really sensitive as I know it's a delicate issue for men. But nothing's changed and now I'm just getting kinda pissed and probably a little insensitive.

Recently, I told him that I felt threatened by the porn and as an experiment, would he not watch for a while. All of a sudden our sex life is awesome again and I feel great. This has been happening for 2 weeks and I know, (I have my ways) that he watched porn last night. And this morning I'm just kinda pissed, mostly that he said he would not, and that he tried to keep it a secret.

What should I do? Is it fair for me to ask him not to watch porn in secret? Do you think that this could be good for him or too oppressive and have other side effects?

--Totally Confused About How I Feel

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Totally Confused About How I Feel--

I don't think you're confused at all. You are in a relationship and you want to be having sex more than you are. That's a MORE than reasonable request considering he's the only guy you get to do it with. It's great that you are trying to share and participate in his fantasy and suggested watching it together -- that's definitely the first step. If he's into that, and it helps your sex life, I say go for it! On the other hand, it sounds like he may be too embarrassed or just wants to watch it alone (which is why he is keeping it a secret).

While his porn attraction is frustrating for you, asking him to flat out stop looking at it altogether will only make him do it secretly even more and even force him to start resenting you. I do however think it is fair for you to talk to him about it and set some boundaries. Explain how upset this is making you, that your feelings are hurt, that you feel unsexy, unwanted, unsatisfied and unloved. Relationships are all about compromise, so once you both communicate your wants, I'm sure you can figure out a way to make you both happy sexually. Although you feel as though your sex life was awesome ever since he stopped watching, do you know if it's satisfying for him? This might come as a shock to you, but not all guys want to have sex all the time. If the problem continues, you are never going to be happy at that point and I'd find yourself a man who shares your hunger for personal intimacy.

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Buffalove Buffalove 2 years
My fiancé is 10 years older than I. (35&25) My sex drive is higher than his naturally. So it's hurtful when I know he's masturbated before I get home or something then turns me down.. The worst was when I was in lingerie (it took me like 2 yrs to even try that) I think I have tried talking to him 3 or 4 times now about it he just comes up with a million excuses, We have some good sex for a few weeks/month and then this all starts again... I had a little bit above no self esteem when we started this thing and now that has evaded me too. I wouldn't care AT ALL if my needs were satisfied FIRST. I try not to feel cheated on I really do but what gets me is What he's looking at. It's all flat chested, emaciated looking girls while I have big boobs and a women's body. I wonder when we see a skinny boobless girl if he wants her too. I hate having these damn insecurities. I hate that our whole sex life revolves around his stupid penis. I hate that I also then have to masturbate so I'm not seething in frustration all week long exploding on him for stupid little stuff. One more thing that I hate about it.... He is the most wonderful sweet man who treats me like a princess we have a wonderful life together.. except in the bedroom. I'm not sure there is a right answer out there for us ladies (I've been all over this internet looking for one) but it does feel good to share with other women who feel like I do. Whenever I have tried to talk to friends about it they just don't get it.
Sandy-J Sandy-J 3 years
I have talked to soooo many people about my partner using porn. I have talked to men, women, pastors, christian counselors, therapists, etc., & the thing that always makes me angry is when I am told that his porn watching has nothing to do with me, that he's not less attracted to me because of porn, that he doesn't love me any less, yada, yada, yada....For me, that makes me the maddest, because if he loved me so much, was so attracted to me, etc..than what reason would he have for watching porn in the first place? To me, there has to be some level of dissatisfaction with your partner for you to be attracted to porn. Everytime someone tells me that it has nothing to do with me, I feel like totally freaking out on them, and it makes me even more angry at my partner. He tells me that he loves me just as much, but I will NEVER believe that. If you love your partner, then your mind should be with only her, & keeping her sexually satisfied & pleased, instead of him pretending that he's having a roll in the hay with a bunch of blond, brunette, or red headed bimbos. It makes me ill that my partner can enjoy mind sex with another woman, while I am completely forgotten, & then tell me that he loves me. It's just complete bull as far as I'm concerned. I'm just working up the nerve to leave him to leave him to his pornstars.
reddove692003 reddove692003 4 years
This is to Woman's Voice for Men, I don't think she'll ever read this, but I never could've put into words what I feel like she did. It ABSOLUTELY feels like being cheated on... And it DESTROYS your confidence. I thought I was the hottest chick on the planet until I found out My guy was looking at it. And then tried to deny it when all I told him was to get computer antivirus, because I get that he wants to look and has kinks probably.. He did hint he had a thing for short dresses, and when we went out this last weekend he wanted me to wear one and he wanted to "check" if my undies were showing, which is one of the porn things that popped up, the rest was just nakes celebs, nothing really bad, even with someone like me that just feels sick to their stomach finding it and spending days crying about it, because he at least tried to make me his fantasy after we have child together. But to get so angry with me about it saying it wasn't him pisses me off. He actually asked me to sit before we left so he could make sure I wasn't showing my stuff off before we left and I checked his history on the computer that morning, does he think im stupid? i'm kinda grateful he tried to include me at least, even tho I gave him a stupid look at the time because at first I was just dumbfounded he actually comfirmed it was him and not his friend who i originally thought it was because he never used a computer before this week.
dawn2011 dawn2011 4 years
Really sad, I just had to write because I know exactly what you're feeling. I've been with this man for 4 years and over that time I've gone from a confident, optimistic woman to being diagnosed as clinically depressed. He looks at porn every day. It's part of his nightly ritual; he'll say he's going upstairs to check his emails but in the morning (like wanting to look at a train crash) I check his history and he didn't even open his email, he opened his favorites and ogled his favorite pussies. I'm going crazy over this. He and I have never -- I mean not once -- had sex since we got together because I've been living on promises of somedays, and have had my self-esteem squashed with accusations that I'd "promised" to become his body type (and I haven't) and that if we'd stop fighting (basically, if I stop telling him he's hurting me) we'd have had sex already (a lie). If I try to distance myself for protection, he feels it and gets all upset about that. I can't do anything right.When we met, this man was the most eloquent, handsome, fun guy I'd ever met. He was so sexy, too. I had no doubt that we'd have a great time in bed and he led me to believe we would, too. Then, when he knew he had me, he let me know who he really is -- a porn addict who'll be sitting with me watching a nice movie and suddenly get up and say he "has to check his emails" or "look at cars" and he'll leave my side to look at porn. I wish I could give you some encouragement, Really sad, but I don't know how. All I can think of is leaving him, but I love him so I don't really want to. I love him and I hate him. And he says the same things your guy says, that he doesn't really want these beautiful younger girls, he wants ME. Yeah, right. I don't believe him any more.
dawn2011 dawn2011 4 years
Really sad, I just had to write because I know exactly what you're feeling. I've been with this man for 4 years and over that time I've gone from a confident, optimistic woman to being diagnosed as clinically depressed. He looks at porn every day. It's part of his nightly ritual; he'll say he's going upstairs to check his emails but in the morning (like wanting to look at a train crash) I check his history and he didn't even open his email, he opened his favorites and ogled his favorite pussies. I'm going crazy over this. He and I have never -- I mean not once -- had sex since we got together because I've been living on promises of somedays, and have had my self-esteem squashed with accusations that I'd "promised" to become his body type (and I haven't) and that if we'd stop fighting (basically, if I stop telling him he's hurting me) we'd have had sex already (a lie). If I try to distance myself for protection, he feels it and gets all upset about that. I can't do anything right. When we met, this man was the most eloquent, handsome, fun guy I'd ever met. He was so sexy, too. I had no doubt that we'd have a great time in bed and he led me to believe we would, too. Then, when he knew he had me, he let me know who he really is -- a porn addict who'll be sitting with me watching a nice movie and suddenly get up and say he "has to check his emails" or "look at cars" and he'll leave my side to look at porn. I wish I could give you some encouragement, Really sad, but I don't know how. All I can think of is leaving him, but I love him so I don't really want to. I love him and I hate him. And he says the same things your guy says, that he doesn't really want these beautiful younger girls, he wants ME. Yeah, right. I don't believe him any more.
Leahlash Leahlash 7 years
I am so sick & tired of porn being an issue in my relationship. My boyfriend is always on some website and it doesn t matter where I am.I will go upstairs for a bath and I hear him on the laptop and I know he will be looking at Juggworld or some other stupid porn site. I am constantly checking the history (which he deletes but forgets to delete the google search)I cant talk to him cos he says I am paranoid. Why do I feel so insecure! He is faithful to me and I trust him with other women. But the porn is a problem! I know I will never look like the women on those sites (and who would want to) and we have a active sex life.
diazy diazy 8 years
My husband and i used to watch at porn together then i started to become insecure. My husband got a brilliant idea. He took naughty pictures of me, it did miracles for our sex life. We have never been so turned on. My advice get some Victoria secret undies, a digital camera, a nice bottle of wine for courage and let him take some pictures. If he still rather look at other woman after that, that's his problem.
diazy diazy 8 years
My husband and i used to watch at porn together then i started to become insecure. My husband got a brilliant idea. He took naughty pictures of me, it did miracles for our sex life. We have never been so turned on. My advice get some Victoria secret undies, a digital camera, a nice bottle of wine for courage and let him take some pictures. If he still rather look at other woman after that, that's his problem.
jess_rose81 jess_rose81 8 years
Wow, I am dealing with tis right now and it was great to hear everyones view......but please remeber there are women out there that are not as confident as others and we all deal with thing at different times in our lifes. I am glad I ran across this today.
Static-Chemisty Static-Chemisty 8 years
Maybe I'm a little over confident about this. But I know he loves me more then his porn..if he even has any which I wouldn't doubt.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
My SO watches porn, and so do I on occasion, it has never threatened our sex life nor my self-esteem. The problem is the poster equates her value with his lack of libido and assumes it is the porn. Perhaps there is another issue she should consider. Maybe the boyfriend finds her insecurity unattractive, maybe he's tired, or ninety other possible reasons. Until she initiates a frank, adult discussion about the lack of sex and reasons for it, she'll never know, but blame porn, continue to snoop on him, and lose confidence. Also, she's pissed and writing to Dear Sugar because she unable/afraid to confront him with the reality of her snooping behind his back. Seems like that could put a snag in the sex life, or realtionship, as well.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
My SO watches porn, and so do I on occasion, it has never threatened our sex life nor my self-esteem. The problem is the poster equates her value with his lack of libido and assumes it is the porn. Perhaps there is another issue she should consider. Maybe the boyfriend finds her insecurity unattractive, maybe he's tired, or ninety other possible reasons.Until she initiates a frank, adult discussion about the lack of sex and reasons for it, she'll never know, but blame porn, continue to snoop on him, and lose confidence. Also, she's pissed and writing to Dear Sugar because she unable/afraid to confront him with the reality of her snooping behind his back. Seems like that could put a snag in the sex life, or realtionship, as well.
kmccoy67 kmccoy67 8 years
Porn often creates an unsatisfying sex life fro both partners. It creates unrealistic standards. It won't get any better until he drops it. If he is rejecting your advances and wants his porn instead, then dump him. He is cheating you out of a healthy sex life and stunting his potential for intimacy.
beautiful1nes beautiful1nes 8 years
I just want to say this because this is what my BF told me and it made me feel alot better. He had this sports illistrated model on his phone as a screen saver and it really bothered me so I asked him why he had it if he thought she was prettier than me or something. He said No Shes not even real Shes all fake and even if she is pretty on the outside on the inside from all the diets and having to keep her body ta look that way she is not beautiful on the inside at ALL. He told me that I was more Beautiful inside and out because i'm not one bit fake and you know what after I told him how it made me feel he took her off his phone and changed it for me. Now wasn't that sweet hehehe awww but honestly don't feel affended by those models and shit they all are fake YOUR BEAUTIFUL AND EVERYWAY TELL YOURSELF THAT!!!! hope I helped.
jordansmommy jordansmommy 8 years
I agree with the comment of it is better than him sleeping with another girl. But when the female is getting nothing out of the sexual part of the relationship and the male is watching porn all of the time it makes us wonder. When I realized that he was watching porn without me and I was not even getting what I wanted more than 1 time a week I personally got worried and started to ask questions.
ccalm ccalm 8 years
I understand what your going through here is the thing I don't think we can ever change it. And to be honest with you it doesn't both me that he looks, its that he feels he has to hide it. and not because of me but i think that in past relationships he had to hide it. It bothers me really bad sometimes and I have just come to terms that hes gonna do it.but i set boundaries I don't care if he looks as long as he doesn't hide it. I hope it works out for uGood Luck PS Its never an old subject we need to be supportive
ccalm ccalm 8 years
I understand what your going through here is the thing I don't think we can ever change it. And to be honest with you it doesn't both me that he looks, its that he feels he has to hide it. and not because of me but i think that in past relationships he had to hide it. It bothers me really bad sometimes and I have just come to terms that hes gonna do it.but i set boundaries I don't care if he looks as long as he doesn't hide it. I hope it works out for u Good Luck PS Its never an old subject we need to be supportive
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