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You Asked: Have We Out Grown Each Other?

Dear Sugar,

I am 23-years-old and I have been married for four and a half years. When I was a senior in high school, I got pregnant and I had my son shortly after graduating. Within a year, my husband and I got married (he is also the father of my son). We then attended the same college and while our marriage has never been perfect, I do love him with all my heart. I graduated college in December and for the past six months, I have been having doubts about my marriage. We argue a lot and it seems like everything he does gets on my nerves — it honestly bothers me to kiss him right now. There is a part of me that wants to stick it out through this tough time in our lives but the other part of me wants to end our marriage now while we are still young. I just need some outside advice about this.
— Needing Guidance Gretta

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Needing Guidance Gretta,

Getting married at a young age can be incredibly difficult. At 18 or 19, you don't quite know yourself yet, let alone how to have an adult relationship, but that isn't to say that your marriage can't survive. You hear high-school sweetheart love stories all the time, so making it work just takes effort from both you of. It sounds as though you're simply fed up and agitated by your husband right now, which can happen to the best of us — no one ever said you have to get along all the time!

Have you talked openly with your husband about the way you feel? Is there a possibility that he feels the same way? Before you start resenting each other or acting disrespectful towards one another, I advise you to look into couples counseling. Being able to hash out all your frustrations and hesitations in the presence of a professional, unbiased mediator could be a real relationship saver. Experiencing the growing pains of early adulthood can make you have all kinds of doubts, but before you jump the gun and separate from your husband, first make sure you've given it your all. If at the end of the day the love is still there and the fire is still burning, the irritation and doubt can be worked out. Good luck to you.

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snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
I am 23, and though I'm not married, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and I think that it has something to do with our age. We have college degrees, but you just feel like you are ready for something else in your life, whether it be personal or professional, what you wanted at 18 probably isn't what you want now! I think it's really a natural feeling for women our age. The thing is...I'm not married and I don't have a kid, so if my boyfriend and I decide to break up, it won't hurt anyone but ourselves. I would love to make it work, but right now though we are still officially dating and monogamous, we are concentrating on our own professional lives rather than on our relationship. Since you're married, maybe for you that would mean attending grad school or going for a dream job. However, I think you should also get counseling and try to save your marriage. Sure, maybe you and your husband aren't getting along so well now, but if you ever remarried, what's to say that wouldn't happen with the new husband in 5 years? For all of you who were children of divorce, I was a child of a couple that SHOULD have divorced, and I can tell you that it wasn't so great. When they weren't arguing, there was just silence, they just wouldn't speak to each other because then they weren't technically arguing in front of the kid. I have never seen them hold hands or kiss, and they don't like each other. They don't "believe" in divorce though, so I guess an unhappy marriage is preferable for them. Yeah, the divorce statistic is high, but I don't see why unhappy people should continue to be unhappy. A divorce isn't the end of the world, or a sign of ultimate failure, it's just one of those crappy things that can happen. The statistic is so high now because women can actually afford to live on their own and be independent if they divorce because they have jobs now. I'm not advocating divorce, and I hope never to get one, but it's kind of silly to act like it's the end of the world and a sin.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
I am 23, and though I'm not married, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and I think that it has something to do with our age. We have college degrees, but you just feel like you are ready for something else in your life, whether it be personal or professional, what you wanted at 18 probably isn't what you want now! I think it's really a natural feeling for women our age.The thing is...I'm not married and I don't have a kid, so if my boyfriend and I decide to break up, it won't hurt anyone but ourselves. I would love to make it work, but right now though we are still officially dating and monogamous, we are concentrating on our own professional lives rather than on our relationship. Since you're married, maybe for you that would mean attending grad school or going for a dream job. However, I think you should also get counseling and try to save your marriage. Sure, maybe you and your husband aren't getting along so well now, but if you ever remarried, what's to say that wouldn't happen with the new husband in 5 years? For all of you who were children of divorce, I was a child of a couple that SHOULD have divorced, and I can tell you that it wasn't so great. When they weren't arguing, there was just silence, they just wouldn't speak to each other because then they weren't technically arguing in front of the kid. I have never seen them hold hands or kiss, and they don't like each other. They don't "believe" in divorce though, so I guess an unhappy marriage is preferable for them. Yeah, the divorce statistic is high, but I don't see why unhappy people should continue to be unhappy. A divorce isn't the end of the world, or a sign of ultimate failure, it's just one of those crappy things that can happen. The statistic is so high now because women can actually afford to live on their own and be independent if they divorce because they have jobs now. I'm not advocating divorce, and I hope never to get one, but it's kind of silly to act like it's the end of the world and a sin.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 8 years
as parents i think ur first duty is to ur child and then urselves, unless one or the other is in harm. go to counselling and try to work it out, and work hard at it. BUT if u guys try and u discover that u cant work it out, get divorced. my parents have been married for almost 30 yrs and they definitely would've saved all of us alot of grief if they had gotten divorced early on. communication is key.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 8 years
as parents i think ur first duty is to ur child and then urselves, unless one or the other is in harm.go to counselling and try to work it out, and work hard at it.BUT if u guys try and u discover that u cant work it out, get divorced. my parents have been married for almost 30 yrs and they definitely would've saved all of us alot of grief if they had gotten divorced early on. communication is key.
courtneyh courtneyh 8 years
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh oh my god, my husband and I have fights. Welcome to a marriage. If you only got married because you were pregnant, which is kind of how you made it sound from your writing. Then end it. I'm not judging you, I'm just poking fun at the fact that you want out of a marriage because you have some arguments with your husband. You should read "Eat Pray Love" it says, you're soulmate isn't your perfect match...your soul mate is the one who is a mirror image of you, meaning they SHOW you your own perfections. So you've pointed out your husbands imperfections. Sounds like you obviously need counseling but don't give up and just be another statistic.
courtneyh courtneyh 8 years
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh oh my god, my husband and I have fights.Welcome to a marriage. If you only got married because you were pregnant, which is kind of how you made it sound from your writing. Then end it. I'm not judging you, I'm just poking fun at the fact that you want out of a marriage because you have some arguments with your husband. You should read "Eat Pray Love" it says, you're soulmate isn't your perfect match...your soul mate is the one who is a mirror image of you, meaning they SHOW you your own perfections.So you've pointed out your husbands imperfections. Sounds like you obviously need counseling but don't give up and just be another statistic.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
I think you should try for counseling first. I am sure it's hard for any couple with a young child - kids, finances, jobs - it can all cause stress. But if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. You shouldn't feel guilty if you can't make it work, as long as you put effort into trying to salvage the relationship first. I agree with some of the other posters that staying together just for the child isn't always good. My parents were not happy together and it affected us kids. It was a relief in some ways when my dad moved out. And later I got the most wonderful, loving, step-dad in the world and my mom is so much happier (seeing her finally happy was really wonderful actually!) So if you do divorce, don't think that your child will necessarily resent you.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
I think you should try for counseling first. I am sure it's hard for any couple with a young child - kids, finances, jobs - it can all cause stress. But if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. You shouldn't feel guilty if you can't make it work, as long as you put effort into trying to salvage the relationship first. I agree with some of the other posters that staying together just for the child isn't always good. My parents were not happy together and it affected us kids. It was a relief in some ways when my dad moved out. And later I got the most wonderful, loving, step-dad in the world and my mom is so much happier (seeing her finally happy was really wonderful actually!) So if you do divorce, don't think that your child will necessarily resent you.
Green Green 8 years
try the counselingm give it your best shot
time_after_time time_after_time 8 years
**meaning councelling together or on your own... not go or get divorced.. lol
time_after_time time_after_time 8 years
Go to councelling together or seperate. My parents also got divorced when I was little, but they both went on to find better matches and have set a good example. Had they stayed together and kept fighting it would have been more damaging to me and my siblings. Divorce isn't easy, but it's not always bad, although do not make any decisions without seeking professional help
Berlin Berlin 8 years
Definitely go to counseling...you may find out that he is feeling the same way and that there are simple ways to get past your rut. Or you may find out that it just isn't meant to continue, but you can't just end a marriage and go on without working with an outside, unbiased opinion. Also, even if you do get the divorce, you'd still want to do counseling - especially for your son! And you certainly should go to the first session together, and then go separately for a while, then join back up. This way you can freely speak your mind and work through your own issues that you may not even realize you have, and he can work on himself as well. Here's the big issue as well...divorce rates are powering past 50% of marriages...and second marriages are at a divorce rate of upwards of 75%. So you may end this one, but your next one isn't likely to work out either, unless you find out the real reasons behind why you are unhappy. But everyone goes through these ruts in relationships and dating, unfortunately you were tossed into yours rather suddenly than most. If it is bothering you to kiss him, then more than likely it isn't just that you don't love him anymore or have grown past him, it's very likely due to another, stronger, emotion or issue that is coming out. Go to counseling, and then you'll get to the underlying reasons. And 10-15 years down the road (if it leads to divorce) you can proudly tell your son that you two tried everything and _____ is why you decided to get a divorce or (if it leads to a more stable marriage) that you went to counseling and ___ is why you decided to stay together, and both will provide him stability. And if you do go the route of divorce, your son needs to be involved with counseling at some point as well. I wish you the best:)
Berlin Berlin 8 years
Definitely go to counseling...you may find out that he is feeling the same way and that there are simple ways to get past your rut. Or you may find out that it just isn't meant to continue, but you can't just end a marriage and go on without working with an outside, unbiased opinion. Also, even if you do get the divorce, you'd still want to do counseling - especially for your son! And you certainly should go to the first session together, and then go separately for a while, then join back up. This way you can freely speak your mind and work through your own issues that you may not even realize you have, and he can work on himself as well. Here's the big issue as well...divorce rates are powering past 50% of marriages...and second marriages are at a divorce rate of upwards of 75%. So you may end this one, but your next one isn't likely to work out either, unless you find out the real reasons behind why you are unhappy. But everyone goes through these ruts in relationships and dating, unfortunately you were tossed into yours rather suddenly than most. If it is bothering you to kiss him, then more than likely it isn't just that you don't love him anymore or have grown past him, it's very likely due to another, stronger, emotion or issue that is coming out.Go to counseling, and then you'll get to the underlying reasons. And 10-15 years down the road (if it leads to divorce) you can proudly tell your son that you two tried everything and _____ is why you decided to get a divorce or (if it leads to a more stable marriage) that you went to counseling and ___ is why you decided to stay together, and both will provide him stability. And if you do go the route of divorce, your son needs to be involved with counseling at some point as well. I wish you the best:)
glitterandgold glitterandgold 8 years
Hi, I'm also a child of divorced parents. It happened when I was 2, but I still remember vividly how everything happened. It forced me to grow up and like someone said above, it has ruined a lot of my relationships due to my views on it. I hope you 2 can make it work since it doesn't seem as though anything has ruined your relationship. Counseling sounds like a good idea if you can't stand him. Maybe you should try to talk to him and communicate. I know that sounds so simple, but just try it! Try remembering why you married him, remember the good times. It will bring you back some way or the other. Try to do things you used to do for him or that you used to do together.
clareberrys clareberrys 8 years
My boyfriend's mom always says that Marriages are hard work. You have to constantly be working at them to get the most out of them. I definitely agree with this. Marriage isn't something that just happens and is 100% perfect - that is only in movies and fairy tales. And unfortunately society has seen too many of them that when things start getting sour they immediately think that something is wrong with their relationship. But it's completely normal to have rocky times in your relationship/marriage. And these times will definitely test you. And if you get through the hard times, the good times will be even better because you know you can make it through anything. I agree that you should go to a marriage and family therapist - someone who specializes in this kind of thing. And make sure to openly communicate with your husband. Tell him that things have been different recently and you want to know how he feels about it. Take time to rediscover and rekindle your love. Hire a babysitter and go do something fun like get a hotel for the night. ALso, are you spending enough time to yourself and with your own friends? Sometimes when you spend too much time with a person, no matter who they are and how much you love them, you will get sick of them. Make sure you have time to do your own thing whether it be go out to lunch with girlfriends, get yourself a manicure or a massage or even as simple as time to sit down in peace and quiet and read a book. I hope everything works out for the best.....don't give up!
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
From experience you can get through it if you really love each other. Me and my BF have been together for 11 years now. We moved in together when we were 18 and 19 years old and had our daughter shortly after. I can't tell you how many times I have seriously wished death on him. There are going to be times when you will hate each other (in a sense) but if you truly understand that marriage isn't supposed to be perfect all the time and you really love him you will be OK. Counseling is probably a good idea. Also you are both still very young so you need to make sure that you can find a balance (which I know is SO hard with kids) to make sure you still have time for yourself and time alone with one another. I'm sure both of you are starting to change alot if you haven't already, so it seems like you don't even know him anymore. Neither one of you are going to be that same person you were when you met. Not completely anyway. So take time to get to know eachother all over again! Have long talks, try to sit down to dinner with just the two of you once or twice a week once the kids have gone to bed unless you can afford/find a baby-sitter. Go to counseling and try to make it work before you just ditch. Talk to him because you both have to be dedicated in the relationship for it to work. Good luck!
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
From experience you can get through it if you really love each other. Me and my BF have been together for 11 years now. We moved in together when we were 18 and 19 years old and had our daughter shortly after. I can't tell you how many times I have seriously wished death on him. There are going to be times when you will hate each other (in a sense) but if you truly understand that marriage isn't supposed to be perfect all the time and you really love him you will be OK. Counseling is probably a good idea. Also you are both still very young so you need to make sure that you can find a balance (which I know is SO hard with kids) to make sure you still have time for yourself and time alone with one another. I'm sure both of you are starting to change alot if you haven't already, so it seems like you don't even know him anymore. Neither one of you are going to be that same person you were when you met. Not completely anyway. So take time to get to know eachother all over again! Have long talks, try to sit down to dinner with just the two of you once or twice a week once the kids have gone to bed unless you can afford/find a baby-sitter.Go to counseling and try to make it work before you just ditch. Talk to him because you both have to be dedicated in the relationship for it to work. Good luck!
missyd missyd 8 years
I am currently going through the exact same thing....except my husband feels that way about me, and not the other way around. He needs to understand that relationships go through this. If he throws it all away because of it then I will know that it never was what I thought. Don't do it. Try and work it out. I think it will get better in time.
missyd missyd 8 years
I am currently going through the exact same thing....except my husband feels that way about me, and not the other way around. He needs to understand that relationships go through this. If he throws it all away because of it then I will know that it never was what I thought.Don't do it. Try and work it out. I think it will get better in time.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
I think you have to realize that when you get older, you go through life changes and you change yourself as well. When I think back to a couple years ago, I think I changed ALOT. Don't throw your marriage away, just know that this will happen from time to time as you both get older, but you have to break through it. Maybe try to get some spark back, try a vacation alone with you two, or maybe even marriage counseling. You might just find that your man might feel the same way too.
mgratzl mgratzl 8 years
Hi, I got married pretty young - I was 18 years old, my husband 10 years older than I. I didn't get pregnant and we don't have kids yet. I was very mature for my age. But, we have now been married 6 years now. I'm not saying our marriage is perfect - but I know I went through some growing pains. I love my husband and there is something wonderful knowing that I have someone who I have grown with and he stills loves me too. Yes - there were times and still are times when we get on each others nerves - but how much of what you are going through is looking at someone else's life and thinking the grass is greener on the other side? But everyone's marriage is different, so talking to a counselor might be a good thing. Also, don't forget to talk to your friends too - they might provide some good insight.
mgratzl mgratzl 8 years
Hi, I got married pretty young - I was 18 years old, my husband 10 years older than I. I didn't get pregnant and we don't have kids yet. I was very mature for my age. But, we have now been married 6 years now. I'm not saying our marriage is perfect - but I know I went through some growing pains. I love my husband and there is something wonderful knowing that I have someone who I have grown with and he stills loves me too.Yes - there were times and still are times when we get on each others nerves - but how much of what you are going through is looking at someone else's life and thinking the grass is greener on the other side? But everyone's marriage is different, so talking to a counselor might be a good thing. Also, don't forget to talk to your friends too - they might provide some good insight.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
You have a responsibility to your child to work things through. Things happened that might have seemed out of your hands, but what is in your hands now is his future happiness. Take it from me, marriage is hard work and there are days where i cannot stand the sight of my husband, but we work it out. I always quote movies to make my points , and this is my favorite one about marriage and family its from Parenthood (1989) with Steve Martin, and him and his wife are argueing when her grandmother comes in the room: Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Gil: Oh? Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! Gil: What a great story. Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
You have a responsibility to your child to work things through. Things happened that might have seemed out of your hands, but what is in your hands now is his future happiness. Take it from me, marriage is hard work and there are days where i cannot stand the sight of my husband, but we work it out. I always quote movies to make my points , and this is my favorite one about marriage and family its from Parenthood (1989) with Steve Martin, and him and his wife are argueing when her grandmother comes in the room:Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Gil: Oh? Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! Gil: What a great story. Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
I do not think you should give up. However, as a child whose parent's divorced, listening to them argue nonstop was awful and has really negatively affected my adult relationships.
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