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You Asked: He Caught Me in a Lie

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of eight months has a drawer where he puts his change and everything in his pocket at the end of the day. Last Friday when we were hanging out, I noticed that there happened to be a lot of crumpled bills there, so I took a $10 bill, thinking he wouldn't notice. He did, and asked me directly if I'd been taking money from his drawer. I adamantly told him that I would never steal, but it turns out that he had marked the bills and this was just a test to see if I would lie.

So now I'm both a liar and a thief. I love this man so much, but now he's questioning our relationship and everything I've ever said to him. He has always been very jealous and suspicious of me because I've dated a lot people and he hasn't. He's 32, and I'm 30. I feel so stupid that I lied. I'm just so scared that I'll lose him. I need to make this better, but how do I make him trust me again?

— Sorry I Stole Sydnie

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Sorry I Stole Sydnie,

I have no doubt that you love your boyfriend and that you want to make things right again, but I can't help but feel concerned about this relationship. It's a bit disconcerting that you felt the need to steal from your boyfriend in the first place — even if it was only $10. The lines of communication should be open enough that you can ask your boyfriend for money as opposed to taking it from him.

However, the fact that your boyfriend marked the bills looking to catch you in a lie leads me to believe that this incident might not be the first of its kind. I don't think that his insecurities about having been in fewer relationships played a role in his reaction to you lying to him about the money. Though I don't condone your boyfriend's method of tricking you, I can understand why he'd be questioning elements of your relationship.

The first step in maintaining this relationship is for both of you to work on your own personal issues regarding trust, lying, and jealousy. This means you need to stop taking things without asking, and if you do take something, tell him. He also needs to work on trusting you and letting some of his feelings of paranoia go. As you grow individually, you need to begin to open up more as a couple, which includes revealing your insecurities and flaws. Hopefully you can create a stronger foundation built on honesty and communication — two big key players in a healthy relationship.

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the-devastated the-devastated 7 years
Ok, here is the whole situation in a logical format: What YOU did: - Took $10 without permission, or consent from your boyfriend. Motive unknown. - When confronted, told him a lie to cover up your track. Motive unknown. What HE did: - Set up a trap to see if you were trustworthy enough because of the many guys you have already dated (???). Conclusion: What YOU did: - What was so important that you had to steal from your boyfriend? That money was not yours, regardless of how much value it was, and you had no right to take that or abuse that supposed trust. - I can sort of understand why you lied; was it because you were taken by surprise, or because you wanted to avoid a very awkward moment and was very ashamed of your actions, so that you didn't want to own up to them? But you still lied and stole from him, both for obviously very unnecessary reasons (otherwise you might of listed them?). What HE did: - How long has he known you? If this is a very fast moving relationship, the whole met at a party and went out very suddenly, skipping out the whole getting-to-know-you part, and how much does he know of your past? I think that if he didn't know very much about what you've done with other guys, or why there are so many and not just a few long-term ones, then can't he be given a little credit for being a little suspicious. I do agree that the whole way he went about it was very childish and he could have just sat down with you and talked, but it just seems to me like you are in the wrong. While he has 1 black mark against him, you have 2. He just wanted to know that he was in a safe relationship and you've given him reason to let him know that YOU. ARE. NOT. TRUSTWORTHY. Go talk to him, and own up to your shameful actions. Honesty is always well rewarded.
pixelsugar pixelsugar 7 years
Holy cow... I can't get by you taking the $10 and lying about it! And the story gets worse after that! I think the both of you need to work on some issues, like Dear said.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
Oh gosh, this is just soooo freaking weird. I am on the fence. The guy is crazy, it's $10, and I almost think she lied to him because she KNOWS he's crazy! He marks his money!! At the same time, I don't get why you would take $10 from him. I really also don't understand the lying, because even if you lied because he's a total nut, I mean, his nuttiness is an issue no matter what. I don't think I've ever taken money from my boyfriend even when we lived together and were really casual about it. He's taken like $5 from my wallet before for coffee, but only because he knows it's acceptable and because he usually ends up paying for more stuff anyway, like more of the expensive dates we go on. I mean, money issues are weird enough for couples, if small amounts of cash are an issue for you guys, I can't even imagine what your finances will be like when it coems to more serious financial issues!! Break up, don't steal in the future, and avoid freaks.
thewriter thewriter 8 years
Okay, yes you were wrong, you stole, never a good thing and then you lied-strike two !!!! Two wrongs don't make a right. He marked his money, strange also, he has issues too!! Lastly, you have been dating this guy for nearly a year and HE STILL DOES NOT KNOW YOUR NEEDS> WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU NEED TO TAKE $10.00, HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVING YOU THE MONEY WITHOUT YOU EVEN THINKING ABOUT ASKING FOR IT. Move on, remember if you cannot go to the one you love for what you need, or the one you love is too preoppupied with his own stuff to notice what you need, take a step back and move on.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
bahahah Rock...its cool...I stole $50 from yours...so I'm still up $30... you're no match for my sticky fingers
CanadianKate CanadianKate 8 years
Wow, it's $10! If you ask me you are both acting immature because you took ten measly dollars when you simply could have asked him, and he is going as far to "mark bills"? He seems crazy and you should have known better. Really, if you had admitted it to him would it have been that big of a deal? With me and my BF we share almost everything and ALWAYS have been honest about money, if you can't be honest about that, what can you be honest about?
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Wow, you guys are all totally creeping me out, helping yourselves with your BF's cash without asking (whether you give it back or not)!!! Does any of you realize that IT'S NOT YOUR MONEY ??? How on earth???...???...??? I'm really baffled.
onesong onesong 8 years
i agree with hotstuff. i've gone into my boyfriend's wallet, taken 20-50 dollars, and mentioned it later (while handing him the money). i think it's quite clear that this is something that is more deep-seated than this particular incident, and i don't think you can get a good answer from an advice column while framing it as a "once" type thing. c'mon--if it were once, your bf would be like, "hey, did you snag the 10 buck i had in my drawer?" and you'd be like "oh, yeah! i needed it for X, i'll hit you back," and it' would be a nothing. gimme a break.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
K8, i totally took those 20 bucks from your bag.:D Asia, you're next.
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
Hmmmm... does he know any of your past exes or close friends? Have you been stealing out of your friend's purses when ya'll are all drunk at a bar, or did you steal money from the many men you've dated before him? I've known of people to steal money from their friends, and then deny it. Maybe he was doing something to find out for the group whether or not you're the thieF. Also, your post says nothing about ya'll living together, so the "his money is your money" excuse is completely wrong. All of the ladies that were defending her and calling him crazy, you'd be all over your bf if he'd stolen money from you. Just because you are dating/sleeping with someone doesn't mean that you automatically get his cash.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
i'm STILL laughing! $10 ! sounds like a 14 year old stealing money from their mom's purse.lmao. and homeboy marks his money. LMAO. he's crazy, and you got sticky fingers. you two are made for each other.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
I agree with dearsugar. You shouldn't have stolen or lied!! But your bf sounds a little crazy. Why was he so worried about catching you doing something if this has never happened before? He sounds extremely paranoid. I think both of you need to have a serious talk, because both of you sound like you need some "me" time before being in a serious relationship. Ditto to gossipqueen posts. He is a lunatic!!!! ha!
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
"But in the future, if your short on cash, simply ask for the money instead of stealing." How about even if you take it without asking, you don't lie when he confronts you about it? IMO, the real issue here is the fact that you lied to your boyfriend's face and are only feeling bad about it because you got caught. "He has always been very jealous and suspicious of me because I've dated a lot people and he hasn't." - Sooo is that your excuse for lying about stealing $10 from him? That sentence just seems completely irrelevant. You're a liar and you got caught. You need to work out your issues before you become involved in a serious relationship and hurt someone who loves you.
Martini-Rossi Martini-Rossi 8 years
SOunds like a trap! I dont think he should break up with you for that. Apologize, explain yourself and hope he loves you enough to forgive you. But in the future, if your short on cash, simply ask for the money instead of stealing. That's THE thing everyone keeps tab on -even if its spare change.
emmyanne emmyanne 8 years
You stole from him. You deserve what your getting! If your that hard up for $10 bucks, then maybe your not stable enough to be in a serious relationship.. your 30 yrs old, why do you need to steal 10 bucks? Id say dump him so he can find a girl that he can trust. you think he is doing something wrong, but he isnt, and like a post before, this most likely is NOT the first time you have lied to him. Your not ready for a real relationship i dont think. And maybe you should get a budget going...
The-Grizz The-Grizz 8 years
My boyfriend's drawer is just like that! That is so funny. I have taken a few dollars from it before but usually I will put it back later. Its just if I don't have cash on me. But the fact that he has marked his bills is CRAZY. If my bf ever accused me of stealing and then told me he marked the bills! Lord, I would lay into him. HE set you up. Why though? Have you done this on several occasions before? Thats what I think.
Marci Marci 8 years
Well, you don't trust each other, so what's the point?
remedios remedios 8 years
You took his money. Maybe you were borrowing it, maybe you really needed it, and maybe you might have had the relationship where that's not a problem. I guess that last one's not the case though. But then you adamantly lied about it? And now you're trying to deflect the blame by pointing out the completely irrelevant comment about your previous relationships. If you really want to stay with him, clearly you need to fix a lot. He doesn't trust you - didn't before this since he marked the bill and definitely doesn't now since he was proven right. Start by taking all the blame. You need to do some serious soul searching to figure out why you took the money and, more importantly, lied. I'm sure this wasn't a single event - it just happened to be the one time you got caught. You need to fix yourself first.
nourche nourche 8 years
k8 rckstr I totally agree. SHE's the one acting like some sort of kleptomaniac and HE's the loser? Sorry, but this woman doesn't sound like the kind of friend I'd want over at my house. I'd be afraid to leave her on her own even for a few minutes. She'd probably start by stealing teabags from my kitchen cupboard before moving on to bigger things.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
How can people commenting not see anything wrong with the fact that SHE LIED TO HER BOYFRIEND?!?!... Yes, its only $10, and he probably would have been fine with her taking it HAD SHE BEEN HONEST ABOUT IT! The issue here is not the fact that she borrowed $10 from her boyfriend, its the fact that she took the $10 and then BLATANTLY LIED to him about it. Clearly he has been suspicious of her in the past if he felt the need to mark his money...and quite frankly I don't blame him! I would mark my money if I was living with a lying thief!
amybdk amybdk 8 years
Forgive yourself. Force yourself to move on. Learn from this mistake. Don't do it again.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
*live lol...sorry...i just find it utterly ridiculous that he marks his money.... :rotfl:
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
OVER $10 DOLLARS???? and he MARKS his money???? what kind of f*ckd up relationship is this???? Trust issues or not...if you lied before or not...do you really want to leave with a freak that MARKS his money???? Unless you're using it for drugs...I don't see anything bad with this...of course...the best way to go at it would have been for you to just ask...but the fact itself that you can't even do that shows that BOTH OF YOU are totally messed up and sooooo WRONG for each other.... i mean....HE MARKS HIS MONEY???????!!!! :?
marcella marcella 8 years
he sounds like a lunatic. i take $ out of my boyfriends wallet all the time (in front of him, or if he's not there, i'll shout the amount i'm taking). he couldn't give a shit. i think it's really weird that your boyfriend marked his bills. he sounds crazy. RUN FAST!!!!
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
Hm...why would he feel the need to 'test' you after 8 months of dating with the marked ten dollar bill? Have you lied to him before? Was this a last straw for him to see if you would lie again? I find it hard to believe that this 'test' would come out of the clear blue. Maybe he is trying to find a reason to leave you? If so, why would you want to be with someone like this?!
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