My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. I love him so much and I don't say that lightly. I know he loves me so much too — he does the sweetest things and treats me like a princess — sometimes. At other times he can be dismissive, cold, ugly and cruel. He never calls names or tries to make me feel bad about myself, he's just a jerk. I'm not a mean person. I try to let him know when he hurts me and I try to make him understand why but he tells me I'm too sensitive and he breaks up with me. A few days later, he's back to the guy who can't live without me and he says he'll try to be more careful with his words, but it ends up being the same cycle every time.
I don't want to leave him, but if things don't get better I can't allow myself to stay. What else can I do besides talking to him? — In the Dumps Deborah
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Dear In the Dumps Deborah,
It sounds like your boyfriend has a bit of a split personality here. You must be so confused by his actions since one second he is loving and adoring you, then the next he is breaking up with you. If you ask me, that's no relationship so something's gotta give ASAP. I'm glad that you're standing up for yourself, but it sounds like he's not hearing you. You need to set some boundaries, or else he isn't going to realize how serious you are.
The next time you sense Dr. Jekyll coming on, talk to him before you reach the fighting breaking point. Tell him how much you love him, but when he puts you down, you not only question his feelings for you but also your own part in this relationship. Let him know that you deserve to be respected by him and tell him how confusing it is for your heart to be constantly pulled in two different directions.
I hear that you love this man, but you need to love yourself more. Love is a funny thing and it's OK to turn a blind eye to the small things, but his sporadic actions could be the sign of a bigger problem later on down the road. If he's being cruel or unfair to you, he clearly doesn't love you as much as you think he does. If your chat doesn't change things, I advise you to breakup with him before any more damage is done. Good luck.