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You Asked: Is He Hiding Someone From Me?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend hides my things. If I leave my shirt, my slippers, even my hair ties — anything girly — he hides them in the closet. We only see each other on certain nights and when I come over to his place on our "on nights," I find my stuff tucked away. Is that me thinking he's hiding my girl things from another girl, or am I just being crazy? This has happened on more than one occasion. I also just found a brand new Boston Red Sox sweatshirt with a brand new pair of Patriot slippers in his closet today with the tags still on them. It's his birthday today, so did he get those from another girl as a birthday gift? Should I say something to him about them, or should I just make a mental note and wait to see his next move? Another red flag I feel I should tell you is that we've been together for two years and I've never met his parents! I'm so confused; what should I do? — Being Deceived Danna

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Being Deceived Danna,

I may be jumping the gun here, but I'd be a lot wary if I were you. The fact that your stuff is tucked away, out of common sight, makes me think two things: Either he's an extreme neat freak, or he's trying to hide your things from someone else. Since today's his birthday, I wouldn't be too concerned with the new Boston paraphernalia, but I would talk to him ASAP. There's no point in speculating, and you need to get to the truth sooner than later.

Since you've been together for so long, I'm sure it's a real shock to think he's being unfaithful to you; but, if your gut is telling you something's wrong, you need to listen to your female intuition. If this is all about another woman, it will hurt — badly — but it's better for you to know now before you get even more attached. Be strong and demand that he is honest with you and I really hope this was all a misunderstanding.

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MissKate919 MissKate919 8 years
I say trust your gut! I also would like to say talk to him and give him a chance to explain. But the fact is if he has been lying to you for TWO years, then how can he be expected to fess up now? The picture idea is a good one. But give it a few weeks, b/c it may take a while before he gets lazy and forgets to put it back up when you are coming over! Also, a solid relationship doesn't normally have "off" days. I was in a relationship like that once, and could always sense that my ex was totally anxious if I ran into him around town unexpected. There were a lot of other weird things that I tried to ignore but eventually had to face the truth. Do yourself a favor and don't ignore red flags. That’s how we end up getting hurt. Just address them as soon as they get waved, if he's a good guy you'll get through it. If not, move on. You deserve much better.
MissKate919 MissKate919 8 years
I say trust your gut! I also would like to say talk to him and give him a chance to explain. But the fact is if he has been lying to you for TWO years, then how can he be expected to fess up now? The picture idea is a good one. But give it a few weeks, b/c it may take a while before he gets lazy and forgets to put it back up when you are coming over! Also, a solid relationship doesn't normally have "off" days. I was in a relationship like that once, and could always sense that my ex was totally anxious if I ran into him around town unexpected. There were a lot of other weird things that I tried to ignore but eventually had to face the truth. Do yourself a favor and don't ignore red flags. That’s how we end up getting hurt. Just address them as soon as they get waved, if he's a good guy you'll get through it. If not, move on. You deserve much better.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
I found through past relationships that every single time i started getting suspicious of a guy cheating on me, it turned out that he was. ALWAYS trust your intuition. You heart knows whats going on, but you mind is trying to justify is actions. I remember reading in a magazine once a few "tricks" to test your man to see if he is cheating. One of them was to leave a bracelet, or earrings or something "girly" out in plain site. If it was still there when you came back then hes probably not trying to hide you. If hes put it away where no one can see it, then hes probably got someone else that he doesnt want to find out about you. Id say your ituition is right.. for all those people saying "talk to him, and get the facts" PUHLEASE, you obviously have never been in an unfaithful relationship...her boy will lie and lie and lie and come up with excuse after excuse until she believes him.
Karma87 Karma87 8 years
Hey! I'd rather find out my boyfriend was cheating than burn my Red Sox stuff! Damn! Bring him a nice framed picture of you on one of your off nights, and that bottle of wine and the hammer (great advice!)...and like a good girl scout, be prepared. Good luck, honestly.
Karma87 Karma87 8 years
Hey! I'd rather find out my boyfriend was cheating than burn my Red Sox stuff! Damn! Bring him a nice framed picture of you on one of your off nights, and that bottle of wine and the hammer (great advice!)...and like a good girl scout, be prepared. Good luck, honestly.
Kitty_G Kitty_G 8 years
When I first started dating my husband, I would purposely leave my belongings just to see what he would do with them. He made me my own dresser in his bedroom with my headbands on top of it, pictures, and cards I had sent to him. he never tried to hide me. WATCH OUT!!! Sounds like he's up to no good!!!!
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
I know that everyone is trying to be helpful with their comments, and I mean no offense, but to me, things like leaving a picture, or a toothbrush, or showing up unannounced are very passive agressive ways of dealing with problems. I think all too often women take passive agressive routes to deal with problems because we think that if we are assertive, we won't be feminine, or maybe because women aren't supposed to be (or aren't comfortable with) being assertive. I definitely think society still has undercurrents that say women should not be confrontational and agressive, as much as things have changed. So on that note, I would say the best thing to do is to communicate. You don't have to do it in an acusatory way such as "I think you're cheating." Instead, make it more about you such as "I want to be closer to you and I would love to meet your parents," or "when you make it so that I can only see you on your schedule, it makes me feel as though I am not half of this relationship" or "when you put my things out of site, it makes me feel like you are trying to hide me or don't want people knowing I'm your girlfriend." The key is just to be straightforward and calm. Don't yell or accuse - just ask exactly what you want to know. If he beats around the bush or won't tell you then you calmly leave and say "call me when you're ready to communicate with me." And that's it.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
I know that everyone is trying to be helpful with their comments, and I mean no offense, but to me, things like leaving a picture, or a toothbrush, or showing up unannounced are very passive agressive ways of dealing with problems. I think all too often women take passive agressive routes to deal with problems because we think that if we are assertive, we won't be feminine, or maybe because women aren't supposed to be (or aren't comfortable with) being assertive. I definitely think society still has undercurrents that say women should not be confrontational and agressive, as much as things have changed. So on that note, I would say the best thing to do is to <b>communicate</b>. You don't have to do it in an acusatory way such as "I think you're cheating." Instead, make it more about you such as "I want to be closer to you and I would love to meet your parents," or "when you make it so that I can only see you on your schedule, it makes me feel as though I am not half of this relationship" or "when you put my things out of site, it makes me feel like you are trying to hide me or don't want people knowing I'm your girlfriend." The key is just to be straightforward and calm. Don't yell or accuse - just ask exactly what you want to know. If he beats around the bush or won't tell you then you calmly leave and say "call me when you're ready to communicate with me." And that's it.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 8 years
always trust your intuition...i agree with the other posters, catch him on one of the "off days"...it might not be the worst situation where you're his "hidden fling" per say, but we can all agree that he's definitely hiding SOMETHING.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 8 years
STOP BY HIS HOUSE ON YOUR OFF NIGHTS. I can't understand why you wouldn't be investigating into this situation. If it were me after two years I would have a key to my boyfriends house and we wouldn't have set off nights. We would probably also be living together but people go at different rates in relationships. He has the ability to have other girls over and get away with it, it's going to suck if you find that out. Female intuition is usually ALWAYS right. Fill us in, chica.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 8 years
STOP BY HIS HOUSE ON YOUR OFF NIGHTS. I can't understand why you wouldn't be investigating into this situation. If it were me after two years I would have a key to my boyfriends house and we wouldn't have set off nights. We would probably also be living together but people go at different rates in relationships. He has the ability to have other girls over and get away with it, it's going to suck if you find that out. Female intuition is usually ALWAYS right.Fill us in, chica.
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 8 years
asia your comment made me laugh i agree with what everyone here had said but not to add fuel to anyones fire but when i was dating one of my ex (mistakes) boyfriends... there were certain nights that were "guy" nights and then me. little did i know that "guy" nights were "go to the bar and hook up w/ random chicks" nights. then i realized that he didnt keep anything of mine around...even tho i would spend weekends at his house. not even so much as a picture (and he had some). she needs to trust her intuition. for real everytime ive been cheated on i had a feeling that there was just something off and turns out i was right
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 8 years
asia your comment made me laughi agree with what everyone here had said but not to add fuel to anyones fire but when i was dating one of my ex (mistakes) boyfriends... there were certain nights that were "guy" nights and then me. little did i know that "guy" nights were "go to the bar and hook up w/ random chicks" nights. then i realized that he didnt keep anything of mine around...even tho i would spend weekends at his house. not even so much as a picture (and he had some). she needs to trust her intuition. for real everytime ive been cheated on i had a feeling that there was just something off and turns out i was right
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 8 years
what about your toothbrush? does he hide your toothbrush? leave a toothbrush! in fact, just start leaving random things all over the place that make your presence "known" but are not clutter. Picture frame, toothbrush etc are great ideas. Also the more the merrier, because if he has to hide them all and then take them all back out on display when you see him he's bound to slip up sooner rather than later ;)
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 8 years
what about your toothbrush? does he hide your toothbrush? leave a toothbrush!in fact, just start leaving random things all over the place that make your presence "known" but are not clutter. Picture frame, toothbrush etc are great ideas. Also the more the merrier, because if he has to hide them all and then take them all back out on display when you see him he's bound to slip up sooner rather than later ;)
trixiefire trixiefire 8 years
Um, trust your intuition. Big time. He's hiding your stuff. Period. Show up on an "off" night: I'm sure something will be up.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
how the hell you two have been screwin' for 2 years and you haven't met his parents?!?!?! there should've been a special meeting planned by now, i don't care if they live in Istanbul! when i was reading the post, i was thinkin' , "maybe she's just a FWB and he didnt communicate that." that's how he's treating you, like a FWB! you need to find out what's going on, because 2 years is a lot of time wasted if he's just playing with you. (hence, bring the HAMMER!)
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
how the hell you two have been screwin' for 2 years and you haven't met his parents?!?!?!there should've been a special meeting planned by now, i don't care if they live in Istanbul!when i was reading the post, i was thinkin' , "maybe she's just a FWB and he didnt communicate that."that's how he's treating you, like a FWB!you need to find out what's going on, because 2 years is a lot of time wasted if he's just playing with you. (hence, bring the HAMMER!)
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
pop up on a random night. Bring a hammer and a bottle of wine. the wine is for your romantic surprise for him (wear some lingerie underneath your clothes. the hammer is for if you catch him with another girl: beat his a*s with hammer!
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
pop up on a random night. Bring a hammer and a bottle of wine.the wine is for your romantic surprise for him (wear some lingerie underneath your clothes.the hammer is for if you catch him with another girl: beat his a*s with hammer!
bransugar79 bransugar79 8 years
Man! I want to be super mature and say everything is fine, and why are you so immature and paranoid. That's what I was hoping for when I started reading this post but honestly the way things are described the situation seems a little fishy. I mean seperately these things can all be explained away as little character quirks your boyfriend has. I'm still not exactly sure how much he's "hiding" you but it does seem like it's time for a talk. The thing to remember is not to start slinging around acusations just tell him that you've noticed these things and it's starting to make you feel like there could be problems in your relationship. If you find out he's cheating on you then go from there, but he really could just be a neat freak with a busy schedule who doesn't get along with his parents. You'll never know unless you ask.
MissMeow MissMeow 8 years
I agree with everybody who said to visit him on an "off" day. I'd watch him very carefully. I would talk to him about moving your stuff - but don't say "are you hiding my stuff because you don't want somebody else to see it?" I'd start out by just asking why he moves your things, and see what his answer is. If its a reasonable answer that makes sense, I'd accept it and just watch carefully. If it sounds like he's fishing for a reason, or if its a lame excuse, then confront him about the cheating issue. Also... the parents thing.. after two years, I think you deserve to meet them. Unless they live in another country, there's really no reason not to. But again, talk to him. I hope everything works out for you.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Fine, visit on an off day without calling first and talk about his behavior. You want someone who loves and respects you, not someone who lies and cheats on you.
treva treva 8 years
I think the picture frame idea is a good one!! Just find a cute pic of you two and put it somewhere prominent, If it keeps moving places, you know he's probably hiding that too!! I think the putting away of your belongings is a bit suspicious. I was in a similar situation, I had broken up with my boyfriend, but we remained very close and spent a lot of time together. All my stuff stayed in the exact same place in his room (for a year or so) and suddenly it was all shoved into a drawer. Turns out he was seeing someone else. I really hope this isn't the case for you and that he is simply a neat freak! As for the parents issue. Everyone feels/acts differently when it comes to their partner meeting their family. I think you would just be best to suggest that you would really like to meet his parents and see what his excuses are and whether you can overcome them! Good luck! :)
treva treva 8 years
I think the picture frame idea is a good one!! Just find a cute pic of you two and put it somewhere prominent, If it keeps moving places, you know he's probably hiding that too!!I think the putting away of your belongings is a bit suspicious. I was in a similar situation, I had broken up with my boyfriend, but we remained very close and spent a lot of time together. All my stuff stayed in the exact same place in his room (for a year or so) and suddenly it was all shoved into a drawer. Turns out he was seeing someone else. I really hope this isn't the case for you and that he is simply a neat freak!As for the parents issue. Everyone feels/acts differently when it comes to their partner meeting their family. I think you would just be best to suggest that you would really like to meet his parents and see what his excuses are and whether you can overcome them!Good luck! :)
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