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You Asked: He Lied, Should I Forgive Him?

Dear Sugar

A year and a half ago I began medical school in a new place far from family and friends. I was very unhappy: felt overwhelmed by work, uncertain about my decision to begin grad school, and felt totally alone. In an attempt to be social, I attended a grad school party, where I found myself uncharacteristically leaning against a wall in the background. I started talking to a guy who embodied self-confidence (not cockiness), and seemed to be just as unwilling to enter the rat race of medical school as myself. We began e-mailing, e-venting, and e-updating each other for about two or three months (totaling over 300 e-mails), but never going out.

When we finally met up one evening, things moved very quickly, but I felt like I could trust him. Over the course of the next nine months, our communications significantly dwindled, though I would still spend the night at his place two or three times a month. To others, I would refer to him as just a friend; but in my mind, I felt we were casually dating.

About a month and a half ago, I learned through a third party that he was currently in a long-term, long-distance relationship. When I confronted him about this, he informed me that when I had asked him about his relationship status a year ago, they were currently on a break, and he didn't know how to tell me. I considered him a friend, and felt totally betrayed and we no longer talk. I am not angry at him or sad about the situation anymore, but at times I feel that continuing our friendship will mean I'm weak for accepting someone into my life who has treated me in this way, but other times I really do miss him and wish I knew what he was doing. Is this someone that I can still have in my life and just be friends with? --Confused Connie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Confused Connie--
I can see why you are quite confused here, Connie. No matter what the status of your friend's relationship when you first approached the subject, he owed you the truth just as soon as your friendship became romantic. While he never committed to having a "relationship" with you, he still withheld serious information crucial to your friendship and budding relationship. His excuse of not knowing how to tell you the truth sounds to be more of a selfish cop out than anything else.

With that said, it sounds like you feel a real connection to this man so it's no wonder you miss his friendship. Trust is a huge part of any relationship, so only you can decide if he is worth being given a second chance. Accepting him back in your life again does not mean you are weak, but I advise you to make him earn your trust back. The only way you will know if this friendship can stand another chance is by trying, but proceed with caution. Good luck.


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