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Kaitlyn Bristowe and Shawn Booth Have Some Excellent Dating Advice For You

You Asked: Is He Test-Driving?



DearSugar -

I've been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. (We were friends in high school 10 years ago). Well, he's finally finished his schooling and is moving in with me in May. We talk about getting married and have even looked at rings.

However, he doesn't want to get married or engaged before we move in together. He says he wants to move here first and THEN start on the fun stuff. I feel like he's "test-driving" me to see if I'm a good fit for him. I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship and think it would be best to at least be engaged while living together.

What do you think? And thanks for your help. -- Cautious Caroline

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Cautious Caroline --

I think it's wonderful and exciting that your fella is moving to town; I know long-distance relationships can be very challenging. It will be good to have him near. As for your question, there's no way to be certain whether or not your boyfriend is test-driving the situation, unless you ask him, he knows the answer, and can tell you.

While I don't know if we can always trust our interpretation of someone else's behavior, we can almost always trust our instincts. If I'm understanding your note properly, you're concerned your boyfriend may not be fully committed to marriage just yet, and might consider living together more practice and deliberation about the relationship?

If you're certain you want to marry him and to be engaged, Cautious Caroline, and if those are your priorities for yourself in this relationship, then living together before those things occur is not a good idea. I get many emails from women who are in living arrangements they chose as a kind of compromise, and the marriage horizon line is no closer. Is there a reason your boyfriend can't find his own place when he moves to town, someplace near your home?

It could be a transition stage, making the small steps from long-distance relationship to a future together, in every sense of that word. And when he's really ready to share everything with you and your daughter, he can buy that ring, make his proposal and make a home with you for good. How does that feel?

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LEX0 LEX0 8 years
WELL, I THiNK THE M0ViNG iN BEF0RE TAKiNG THE NEXT STEP iS A G00D iDEA! THEY SAY Y0U NEVER "REALLY" KN0W A PERS0N UNTIL Y0U M0VE iN WiTH THEM! WHiCH I BELiEVE iS TRUE! I STAYED @ MY B0YFRiEND H0USE F0R A WEEK & WAS READY T0 LEAVE! L0L! S0 I THiNK HE HAS 0N HiS THiNKiNG CAP! AND MAYBE THiS WiLL 0PEN Y0UR EYES T0 THiNGS Y0U NEVER SAW 0F HiM! BUT Y0U CAN ALWAYS W0RK THRU THE PET PEEVES & EVERYTHiNG ELSE... BUT I THiNK iTS A G00D iDEA T0 M0VE iN B4 MARRiAGE, 0R ENGAGEMENT! JUST S0 Y0U'RE C0MF0RTABLE WiTH THE LiViNG ARRANGEMENTS!
rustedwings rustedwings 8 years
I agree with Dear in that you guys are going to have to go through a transition from long distance to live-in no matter if you are engaged or not. To my mind, if you're not comfortable with doing that before marriage maybe dating with him in town would be a good way to get through that half way step. Talk to him and find out where he's at-while you might think "test drive" he might be thinking transition to marriage, you won't know unless you give him the benefit of the doubt. From personal experience, when my mom and now step dad moved in together, immediately after my parent's divorce I had no clue what was going on as far as the "status" of their relationship because as an 8 year old I didn't really know about such things. If you man is committed to you and your child, him moving in shouldn't be a problem- but compromising your level of comfort would be a problem. Explain yourself fully, frame it in the context of love and of your child, and you guys will work it out either way!
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 8 years
I agree with everyone. If you have a kid it probably is not wise to have him move in before he is fully commited. TINA!
Jinx Jinx 8 years
Good point LeLuxe, I was going to suggest a test drive might be a good idea for her too. But it seemed like it was less acceptable with a child, but to me, that could be more of a reson. ------------------------------------------------------ In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
You fear that he may be 'test-driving' you, but shouldnt you be taking the opportunity to do the same? If he does propose to you just to make you happy, then what do you do if you live with him and he makes you nuts? What if you realize that he isnt the one? Then you wont have to face the dilemma of having to choose between staying with your fiance for the sake of being engaged. I personally dont take living together to b a big deal, its a sign of the times. But you have to do what makes you happy, and if lviing together equals you need to be engaged, then maybe you two should find your own places for a year and test drive before taking the big plunge.
Jinx Jinx 8 years
Either you will live together before marriage or not. I fail to see the difference saying you're engaged will make. ------------------------------------------------------ I'm so happy cause today I've found my friends, They're in my head - Kurt
rubialala rubialala 8 years
If you didn't have a child, I think the test drive is a great idea, but you are right to put the needs of your child first and if he is truly committed to you then he will, too. Otherwise, he's not worth it.
Marci Marci 8 years
I agree with DS. And when there's a child involved, things have to be played out differently. You sound like a good mother and someone who can really assess things in a balanced way. I hope it works out for you.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 8 years
Dear has some good practical advise, as usual :) . Living together before marriage isn't for everyone, and it sounds like it's not for you. Good for you for making your daughter your priority, she's at an impressionable age and you need to make sure her life is stable. It makes sense for your boyfriend to get an apartment near you and stay there at least until you two have gotten engaged. If he's the right guy for you I'm sure he'll agree to this temporary compromise.
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