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You Asked: He Was Too Honest With Me

Dear Sugar,

I met and fell in love with a great guy and we've been together for a little over a year now. Everything is wonderful and we don't have many problems except for the occasional disagreement. But recently, he told me that when we first became official, and I was finally "his girl" that other women became 10 times more attractive to him. Everywhere he went, women were enhanced and they seemed much sexier in his eyes; even woman who aren't usually his type. I was hurt when he told me this, and I haven't been able to let it go. He keeps telling me it was just a comment he made in passing and he would never make advances on anyone, but his comment is making me insecure. Is it normal for guys who are in loving relationships to find random women desirable? — Confused Constance

To see DearSugar's answer

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Dear Confused Constance,

I think all men find attractive women attractive — it's just human nature — except most men probably wouldn't tell their girlfriends outright! Since he did, he has to understand why you'd be insecure (I'm sure he'd feel the same way if you told him you were fancying other men). So if you need to talk it out with him until you have a better understanding of what he meant, or if you need him to make you feel safer in your relationship, ask for for it.

Though I don't know your boyfriend's intentions, I highly doubt he meant to purposely hurt your feelings. It sounds like he made a comment to you that should have been directed to a guy friend, so try and just take it with a grain of salt. If he's never given you a reason to doubt him, I wouldn't start now — I'm sure the forbidden fruit is simply looking sweeter, that's all. I hope this helps.

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alltherage alltherage 7 years
Honesty is good. But this is not something you needed to hear. i dated someone who said something similar repeatedly. and if i even expressed displeasure i was needy or controlling and like you said he also said itw as just in passing. there was no reason to tell you that other than to be hurtful. did he think you wouldnt be hurt. seriously, what if htat were flipped around.sure guys look once in a while its human but his statement was a bit over the top.
alltherage alltherage 7 years
Honesty is good. But this is not something you needed to hear. i dated someone who said something similar repeatedly. and if i even expressed displeasure i was needy or controlling and like you said he also said itw as just in passing. there was no reason to tell you that other than to be hurtful. did he think you wouldnt be hurt. seriously, what if htat were flipped around. sure guys look once in a while its human but his statement was a bit over the top.
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 7 years
what sucks is that guys actually think like that...it's that forbidden fruit theory. it just takes time and years in a relationship to ignore that and not care. just like how i used to get into battles with my fiance when he was with 'the guys' and his 'guys' break their necks for every piece that walks by....but now i just roll my eyes. i guess i sound kinda sad...but it's true. you just deal with it.
Captivate Captivate 7 years
Your concern is understandable. You don't need to feel bad like you're over-reacting, since it sounds like most people recognize he's a well-intentioned fool and you're going to stay together, wihch I agree with. But it's okay if you're irritated. That was quite the foot in the mouth moment. I hope your guy learns to phrase his thoughts better in the future. It was definitely a stupid choice of words.
LadyLiLa83 LadyLiLa83 7 years
I think he probably thought that it sounded better in his head. I wouldn't think he'd actually go out and do anything, he just was being "a guy". Just shrug it off!
macchiatolove macchiatolove 7 years
haha, babysoftpink, too funny!frankly, I can understand why you'd be hurt, but I think you should let it go. By admitting that you were official he noticed other attractive girls, he is by default saying that he didn't do anything with them, and more than that, chose you over them.Stupidly phrased, but I don't think he meant to be offensive. There are much larger things to be worried about IMO, you got to let the little things go :)
macchiatolove macchiatolove 7 years
haha, babysoftpink, too funny! frankly, I can understand why you'd be hurt, but I think you should let it go. By admitting that you were official he noticed other attractive girls, he is by default saying that he didn't do anything with them, and more than that, chose you over them. Stupidly phrased, but I don't think he meant to be offensive. There are much larger things to be worried about IMO, you got to let the little things go :)
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
Okay. If I am the guy...this is how I would rephrase the sentence... "Honey, I find other girls a thousand times hotter than you and I get so hot and heavy over each one of them. Nonetheless, I CHOOSE you because you mean the whole world to me and none of them, hotties could ever replace the LOVE I have for you!" Really sad that I am not born a *guy*, otherwise I would have bag ten or thousands of women and not left the way that I am, sigh!!!
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
Okay. If I am the guy...this is how I would rephrase the sentence..."Honey, I find other girls a thousand times hotter than you and I get so hot and heavy over each one of them. Nonetheless, I CHOOSE you because you mean the whole world to me and none of them, hotties could ever replace the LOVE I have for you!"Really sad that I am not born a *guy*, otherwise I would have bag ten or thousands of women and not left the way that I am, sigh!!!
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
Sorry, OP, your guy sounds like a real douche.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
Sorry, OP, your guy sounds like a real douche.
sldc sldc 7 years
Would you marry someone like this? When you are forty, will he be the tacky guy that points out all the college cuties? Blech. I could not be with someone so tacky. I am being honest when I say I find it disrespectful.
myystque myystque 7 years
I agree with some of other comments that honesty is good but there is such a thing as too much information!! He should have kept his mouth shut, but it may have been just a dumb guy comment. Although it is a little weird that they became "10 times more attractive"--I can understand if he finds other women attractive, but the fact that they are more attractive now is odd to me.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
"So if you need to talk it out with him until you have a better understanding of what he meant, or if you need him to make you feel safer in your relationship, ask for for it." Oy. It's pretty clear what he meant isn't it? What he said was hardly an ambiguous statement. I'm with princess_eab on this one... I'm not saying I'm the hottest thing on the planet, but when I'm falling in love I think my guy IS the hottest thing, even though objectively he isn't. I think your boyfriend thinks they're hotter because he can't have them. Not sure what that says about your relationship. And yeah, of course men are attracted to other women. I agree with whomever said that this guy was just stupid to say what he was thinking out loud. Maybe he was feeling guilty about it?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
"So if you need to talk it out with him until you have a better understanding of what he meant, or if you need him to make you feel safer in your relationship, ask for for it."Oy. It's pretty clear what he meant isn't it? What he said was hardly an ambiguous statement.I'm with princess_eab on this one... I'm not saying I'm the hottest thing on the planet, but when I'm falling in love I think my guy IS the hottest thing, even though objectively he isn't.I think your boyfriend thinks they're hotter because he can't have them. Not sure what that says about your relationship.And yeah, of course men are attracted to other women. I agree with whomever said that this guy was just stupid to say what he was thinking out loud. Maybe he was feeling guilty about it?
austerity austerity 7 years
He sounds more like an insensitive idiot than someone who would actually go out and cheat. If I were you and it really bothered me, I'd just go point out the hottest guys on the street to HIM (and if you get a chance, flirt with them openly in front of him). This is not to hurt him but to remind him that he can't just take you for granted and be insensitive to you. And of course, to remind him how he'd feel in your shoes. dm8bri: I always find it so weird when guys ogle 'downward'; i.e. even when they're with an extremely beautiful woman, they'll drool over other girls even if that girl's a 2 compared to his own girl. with guys, it's truly quantity not quality! (and of course I'm only talking about beauty here, not even going into the character, personality part yet)
austerity austerity 7 years
He sounds more like an insensitive idiot than someone who would actually go out and cheat. If I were you and it really bothered me, I'd just go point out the hottest guys on the street to HIM (and if you get a chance, flirt with them openly in front of him).This is not to hurt him but to remind him that he can't just take you for granted and be insensitive to you. And of course, to remind him how he'd feel in your shoes.dm8bri: I always find it so weird when guys ogle 'downward'; i.e. even when they're with an extremely beautiful woman, they'll drool over other girls even if that girl's a 2 compared to his own girl. with guys, it's truly quantity not quality!(and of course I'm only talking about beauty here, not even going into the character, personality part yet)
KadBunny KadBunny 7 years
Teehee I'm sure she meant no such thing. :P Plus I kind of know what she means. While my guys have never said the TOTAL literal opposite ("since I've been with you everyone just seems ten times uglier!!"), they've said things like I only have eyes for you, you're the most beautiful woman in the world etc., and it's cheesy, cliched and you know they've probably said it to someone before, but still. It's how every girl should feel.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
to princess_eab, maybe you have been with enough guys. How many guys have you had? "Every single guy you've been with has told you the opposite." Are you trying to say 1) you are the most beautiful perfect and HOT thing there is in this whole wide world and 2) every single guy you've been with is the super "good" guy....
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
to princess_eab, maybe you have been with enough guys. How many guys have you had? "Every single guy you've been with has told you the opposite." Are you trying to say 1) you are the most beautiful perfect and HOT thing there is in this whole wide world and 2) every single guy you've been with is the super "good" guy....
heatherhas heatherhas 7 years
Girl, you are not alone! I have had this problem too. I had a frank discussion with my fiance about it and it became clear that he saw me as almost like his guy friend, so he didn't have the "girlfriend filter" on anymore. I mean, it got to the point where it was about my personal appearance, and he would do things like point out a girl (on tv) and tell me "you would look nice with that color tan" then I kind of lost it. (I'm sorry for focusing on my career and working out instead of just lying in a tanning bed like I did in high school, you know???) Before then, I would usually make a sarcastic comment about what a d*ck he was being. Since we had the discussion, he has really become aware of the impact of his comments. My point is, address the problem with him and stand your ground. He was in the wrong, not you.
heatherhas heatherhas 7 years
Girl, you are not alone! I have had this problem too. I had a frank discussion with my fiance about it and it became clear that he saw me as almost like his guy friend, so he didn't have the "girlfriend filter" on anymore.I mean, it got to the point where it was about my personal appearance, and he would do things like point out a girl (on tv) and tell me "you would look nice with that color tan" then I kind of lost it. (I'm sorry for focusing on my career and working out instead of just lying in a tanning bed like I did in high school, you know???) Before then, I would usually make a sarcastic comment about what a d*ck he was being. Since we had the discussion, he has really become aware of the impact of his comments.My point is, address the problem with him and stand your ground. He was in the wrong, not you.
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
It is normal for men or women in relationships to find others attractive. People are people and they will be attractive. For me, I find women to be attractive according to beauty coupled with their type of personality. A pretty but snobby woman is not at all attractive to me. That is how it is and will always be. When I am with someone and very much in love with them, they are the best prize in the world. Regardless of how attractive anyone else is, they are not desirable. I think that is what should be considered in some cases. You may watch a movie and your significant other will probably say "s/he's so cute!" It is normal, but to what level is that person attractive or even desirable, as in how far would your significant other take their desires while you two are involved. I believe honesty is an important thing. There is a time and place for honesty, not that I prescribe that people should throw lies left and right. I have been through very brutal honesty for the past two seasons and it hurt very much, but I do believe it also helps to hear the truth. I am not saying it is the truth about who you are, rather the truth of what others' think. I also do not mean that you should take others' honest as guidelines to who you should be, but take it as suggestive reflections, whether it be about yourself, or your relationship, or life situation. I suggest you sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious conversation. A non-critical conversation about what he means and what he truly feels. At least then you will understand where he is coming from, and it will also help you to understand in which direction you would like to take your life.
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
It is normal for men or women in relationships to find others attractive. People are people and they will be attractive. For me, I find women to be attractive according to beauty coupled with their type of personality. A pretty but snobby woman is not at all attractive to me. That is how it is and will always be. When I am with someone and very much in love with them, they are the best prize in the world. Regardless of how attractive anyone else is, they are not desirable. I think that is what should be considered in some cases. You may watch a movie and your significant other will probably say "s/he's so cute!" It is normal, but to what level is that person attractive or even desirable, as in how far would your significant other take their desires while you two are involved. I believe honesty is an important thing. There is a time and place for honesty, not that I prescribe that people should throw lies left and right. I have been through very brutal honesty for the past two seasons and it hurt very much, but I do believe it also helps to hear the truth. I am not saying it is the truth about who you are, rather the truth of what others' think. I also do not mean that you should take others' honest as guidelines to who you should be, but take it as suggestive reflections, whether it be about yourself, or your relationship, or life situation.I suggest you sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious conversation. A non-critical conversation about what he means and what he truly feels. At least then you will understand where he is coming from, and it will also help you to understand in which direction you would like to take your life.
CYL CYL 7 years
Ok that sucks and is a blow to your ego. But let it go...if you trust him and feel like he is a good bf before this came out...you shouldn't suddenly doubt him or his loyalty. Truth is we will find other people attractive even when we are perfectly happy is in a relationship. I mean he'd be blind not to notice attractive women. He probably shouldn't have said every women looked hot...but he didn't act on it. That's the important part. Just let it go and chill. He looked, he didn't touch so he didn't do anything wrong..he probably should have told you or told you in the way he told you. Just chalk it up to bone head behaviour. We are stupid and say stupid things to our SO once in a while too...
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