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You Asked: His Anger Is Unjustified

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost three years now. He used to be so great and still is in many ways, but things are different now. Last year, he cheated on me, which was a complete shock. We got through it, but to be honest I’ve never really gotten over it.

At this point, he is sick of me bringing it up and thinks I should just get over it. Obviously this has led to a lot of fighting, and his behavior has become practically abusive. He shouts and screams at me when we fight until all I can do is cry and beg him to stop. I can see how volatile and destructive this is, but it's confusing because when things are good, they’re really good. I know he loves me so is he acting out because of his own guilt? I know I should just break up with him, but it’s just not that easy. What can I do?

Hurt by His Rage Rachel

To see Dear Sugar's answer

.

Dear Hurt by His Rage Rachel,

You have every right to be upset. Your boyfriend betrayed you and that’s not something most people can simply "get over." However, it doesn’t sound like you guys are working through this at all. I can’t speak to why you’re boyfriend is reacting the way he is, but I will say that he doesn’t appear to be very concerned about you or your relationship. In fact, it’s quite disturbing that he handles your emotions with such anger.

Regardless of whether or not your boyfriend loves you, he is not treating you right. Instead of working to resolve issues, he attacks you. Either he needs to make some changes, or you’re going to have to walk away whether you want to or not. Let him know that you’re hitting your limit. Explain to him why you feel the need to bring it up, and tell him that it’s important that he just listens — ignoring it won't make it go away.

Meanwhile, closely consider whether or not you will ever be able to get over his infidelity. If you really believe that you can then figure out how. Will it just take time? Is there something you need him to do to or say to regain your trust? Is bringing it up all the time part of your healing process? Once you've figured all of this out bring it to him and go from there. It sounds like you guys have some pretty serious issues to work through. Good luck!

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telltalltales telltalltales 8 years
wow the exact same thing is happening to me right now except worse. i just showed the guy this and he was like, "did you write this?"
warau warau 8 years
as well, I forgot to mention, emotional and physical abuse is inexcusable.Leave this guy. You deserve MUCH BETTER.<3
warau warau 8 years
as well, I forgot to mention, emotional and physical abuse is inexcusable. Leave this guy. You deserve MUCH BETTER. <3
warau warau 8 years
once a cheater, always a cheater. dump his a$$.my dad cheated on my mom and I have no sympathy for cheaters.
warau warau 8 years
once a cheater, always a cheater. dump his a$$. my dad cheated on my mom and I have no sympathy for cheaters.
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
If you cannot truly forgive and forget your man cheating on you, then the best thing for both of you is to end the relationship. Don't stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy anymore. And, no matter what you say, if you are constantly suspicious, you are not happy. BTW, it is absolutely ok to forgive him for cheating, if that's what makes you happy, and your relationship can function properly. It doesn't do your relationship any good to constantly bring up his cheating everytime ya'll have an argument. That's a sure-fire way to not resolve the issue you are arguing about.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
When things are that bad, it doesnt matter how good the good times are. You dont deserve for him to be treating you like this, if anything he should be bowing down and kissing your ass begging forgiveness. To me it sounds like his anger is a sign that he is still probably guilty. If he was innocent and really not cheating anymore, there would be no reason for him to get so angry with you. HE was in the wrong, and now he is trying to push his guilt off on you, by making you feel like shit for feeling the way you do.
BeautiJunki BeautiJunki 8 years
no brainer - end it. cheating in very few cases is forgivable but emotional and physical abuse is always an NO NO!!!
else411 else411 8 years
I agree with Berlin and Cherika. Let it go, or move on. good luck with which every choice you make.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
I don't agree with him being verbally abusive but I do agree with get over it or get out. The excuse that it is not that easy to end it is just that an excuse. Nobody wants to be reminded on a daily basis that they made a mistake I know I have made mistakes and I also get beyond pissed when it is brought up it is normal. I do not think it is because he feels guilty in his mind he has apologized and to him it is over. That is they way I am and I am not even a guy. You can only apologize so many times before you get sick of apologizing for the past. It happened, he apologized, now you can either forgive and work on your relationship or end it. Get counselling!
sunnyheart sunnyheart 8 years
I agree with lemassabielle... when I was in an abusive relationship all I could see was how when things were good, they were "really, really good." That's a red flag that there is a lot more going on. If some part of you can say "I know I should break up with him" listen to that voice and talk to a professional. They can help you sort through what you're feeling and why you still want to stay.
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 8 years
Lots of good advice here. I would say that staying alone will not change him, or your relationship. It's super difficult to leave, but try leaving for a week or weekend first to get your head around it. I also would share it with those close to you who you trust, because saying it out loud will make it more real - and easier to deal with, and you won't be so alone. Since my opinion is only my opinion, and I don't know you, I can only say that I would leave. In my experience staying is destructive, and won't fix him even if he says he is going to change. I wish you the best of luck!
AshleyMay84 AshleyMay84 8 years
You gotta get out of this relationship.This will probably be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do.But, his temper, his infideility and just the situation in general, is not healthy.You have to look at yourself and within yourself and ask why it is that you are drawn to unhealthy and abusive partners.you CAN NOT fix him. We are all only responsible for ourselves.We can only fix ourselves.Get out of this relationship and focus on fixing yourself.
AshleyMay84 AshleyMay84 8 years
You gotta get out of this relationship. This will probably be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do. But, his temper, his infideility and just the situation in general, is not healthy. You have to look at yourself and within yourself and ask why it is that you are drawn to unhealthy and abusive partners. you CAN NOT fix him. We are all only responsible for ourselves. We can only fix ourselves. Get out of this relationship and focus on fixing yourself.
cplast cplast 8 years
I've been in a similar situation with my ex. It was an on and off thing, and it was the type of situation where it was either REALLY good or REALLY bad. It was like he could make me feel this great way that no one else could make me feel, or he could make me feel this miserable way that no one else could make me feel either.... eventually, I realized that there was no way that the 'good' feelings he gave me could outweigh the bad. I'd rather be alone, in a steady, mediocre way of feeling than this ridiculous rollercoaster in which I had no control over. I say, be done with it. As IMPOSSIBLE as it seems (believe me, I understand!), it is way better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't respect you (he cheated on you, which directly shows his lack of respect). If you can't forgive and forget, than there is no point. There is someone better out there who is going to respect you (I'm still waiting for that someone better...I've learned you need to be happy with yourself and mr. right will come along eventually) and love you for everything that you are. Don't waste your time with cheating men who are going to make you feel like less than you are rather than own up to their mistakes. He is yelling at you and making you feel bad and upset because deep down he knows he is in the wrong. This is the sign of an immature and selfish man who doesn't deserve one more minute of your attention.
indielove indielove 8 years
"Picking up the pieces after you leave him will be easier than staying in it any longer with all that pain."That's the truth.
indielove indielove 8 years
"Picking up the pieces after you leave him will be easier than staying in it any longer with all that pain." That's the truth.
Merlin713 Merlin713 8 years
The advice above is all really good.This is like reading what I went through a couple years ago. The. exact. same. thing.I stayed in it for a while. That was a while too long. My friends had to intervene.The best thing I ever did was leave him. It's not worth it. You can do so much better.Picking up the pieces after you leave him will be easier than staying in it any longer with all that pain.I wish you the best. :hug:
Merlin713 Merlin713 8 years
The advice above is all really good. This is like reading what I went through a couple years ago. The. exact. same. thing. I stayed in it for a while. That was a while too long. My friends had to intervene. The best thing I ever did was leave him. It's not worth it. You can do so much better. Picking up the pieces after you leave him will be easier than staying in it any longer with all that pain. I wish you the best. :hug:
bellydancinmary bellydancinmary 8 years
You don't seem to trust him anymore because you keep bringing the cheating up. A relationship without trust is never a good one. Trust brings balance, friendship, compassion, understanding, and eventually love; trust is the foundation to everything. You cannot have a good relationship if you don't have trust. Just because when "things are good, they are really good" doesn't justify you staying in a relationship that allows someone to cheat on you and then to treat you like crap. Your heart is obviously still hurting from what he did to you. You may still love him (maybe because you've been together for so long), but he is being very unfair to you and you're being unfair to yourself for staying in a relationship that has turned "practically abusive". The best thing that you can do is leave and learn from this. Go out there, have fun with your friends, achieve status at work, be selfish: buy those heels you were eyeing, get a hot personal trainer, etc. Spend time with yourself, and eventually you will find a companion who will value your love and never take your heart for granted.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
There is such a lot of great advice on here--that's one of my favorite aspects of this site :)I think indie's right, considering that this long after, you are still that upset about what he did (which is understandable)--do you really think he'll ever be able to fully regain your trust? If not...
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
There is such a lot of great advice on here--that's one of my favorite aspects of this site :) I think indie's right, considering that this long after, you are still that upset about what he did (which is understandable)--do you really think he'll ever be able to fully regain your trust? If not...
indielove indielove 8 years
If you can't get over it(and I don't know how you could in the first place), then you need to end it. That's all there is to it. The memories of the past are what you're holding unto. Why should you forgive him anyway? He broke your trust. That's one of the most important aspects to a relationship. What is left to build upon? You will keep going in circles, just put yourself out of your misery already.Also, I agree with everything hotstuff said. You too, Jude. ;)
indielove indielove 8 years
If you can't get over it(and I don't know how you could in the first place), then you need to end it. That's all there is to it. The memories of the past are what you're holding unto. Why should you forgive him anyway? He broke your trust. That's one of the most important aspects to a relationship. What is left to build upon? You will keep going in circles, just put yourself out of your misery already. Also, I agree with everything hotstuff said. You too, Jude. ;)
cvandoorn cvandoorn 8 years
I agree with Berlin and Cherika...I was just recently in a similar situation (but my bf didn't exactly cheat, just did something that was wrong). It really hurt me and my way of dealing with it was to bring it up constantly to throw it in his face and yes, he also got really mad about it. In my head I thought: "dude, if you're the one who wronged me, how can you be mad and yelling at me? You have no right! Its all YOUR fault that i'm acting the way i'm acting right now!" And he finally told me that it really hurts him and that he'll regret it every day for the rest of his life and all that sh*t. So, the best thing to do, in your situation, is just to get over it. If you told him you were going to trust him again (after he proves himself to be worthy of your trust again), then there is no use bringing up his past mistakes. Move forward. I'm still in the moving forward stage, and things are already MUCH better. Its hard, and you'll still feel these angry feelings inside of you, and you'll still wonder: why? how could he have hurt me like that? But please, keep those feelings to yourself or share them with a friend. Plus, all his efforts of trying to get you to trust him again are going to waste the minute you pick a fight with him. He'll think: i'm trying my best, but she doesn't appreciate it, because she's bringing it up again. Why bother?Good luck!
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