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You Asked: His Ex Is Making My Life Miserable

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about five years, and we just moved in together two months ago. He has a 7-year-old son who comes over on the weekends. His son's mom is still dead set on trying to win my boyfriend back. She will call him several times a day, everyday. Sometimes it's to let him talk to his son, but most of the time it's not. In fact, she will tell him that he can't talk to his son unless he talks to her first. For a while she would just tell him that she misses him and that she wants to work it out, but a few days ago she actually asked him out on a date!

When she found out that we had moved in together, it got much worse, and she's now calling him up to 40 times a day! When she's not bugging him, she spends her time constantly badmouthing me. I trust my boyfriend, but it does cause fights because I don't understand why he even bothers talking to her.

I understand that they have a son together so they have to talk, but am I asking too much by expecting him to just hang up on her when she goes on one of her rants? Am I going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life? She has threatened to hurt me, and she talks badly about me (and my boyfriend) to their son. Is there anything we can do to tame this situation?

—Concerned Cora

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Concerned Cora,

This certainly is a difficult situation, especially because there is a child involved. You have every right to feel frustrated, and I agree with you that your boyfriend should hang up as soon as his ex begins saying anything negative about you or your relationship. It sounds like he's worried that she won't let him see his son if he doesn't give into her wants, which is understandable, but try to explain to him that their relationship is not healthy for anyone involved, especially their son.

Though I don't know the specific custody arrangement, I do know that she can't refuse to let him see or speak to his child without legal repercussions. You might want to discuss the possibility of getting a formal custody agreement in place that's legally binding. That said, even if there is a formalized agreement, you're still going to have to deal with this woman for as long as you're with your boyfriend, and unfortunately, you can't control all of her actions or hostility. The most that you can do is keep an open dialog with your boyfriend and try to manage your reactions to the situation. Keep in mind that it's always better to be the bigger person. Best of luck to you.

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smoochiez smoochiez 8 years
get that mom a date or something to get her mind off of your bf.
davisdavis davisdavis 8 years
When his ex has threated you, has she been specific? "I'm going to cut you with a knife on your face" vs. "I'm going to cut you?" It sounds like she is very unhappy and focusing that on you, which makes me worry.
davisdavis davisdavis 8 years
When his ex has threated you, has she been specific? "I'm going to cut you with a knife on your face" vs. "I'm going to cut you?"It sounds like she is very unhappy and focusing that on you, which makes me worry.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
I didnt really understand what was so bad about us moving intogether either. Its like a said in my original response, Its not like I just jumped right in and started playing house. We've known eachother for a long time, and his son has many memories with me, and even tells me that he loves me (only every once in a while though, which makes it seem more sincere) So...Im thinking at this point it would probably be harder for his son to understand why Im only around sometimes, as opposed to why we all share a house. He has a door hanger on his bedroom door that says "no girls allowed, except jennifer" and when Im at work (I work on sundays) or doing something without them, he asks when Im coming home, or when Im going to come hang out with them. So...im thinking that he rather enjoys me being around.
Meike Meike 8 years
Yeah... "No moving in with him being a single parent is wrong." Total BS. No, it is not wrong to move in with a single-father so long as his son is happy in what seems to be a much healthier environment for him. I know of friends who very much love their step parent before they even became their step parent. Seems like your bf's son has much appreciation for you and you're setting much better examples for him as a potential parent, SuperDuper. Also, I do have to applaud you for your emotional endurance. I know I would never even consider entering such a relationship from the get-go. So, kudos to you.
KrysNyte KrysNyte 8 years
Sounds like the girl has a control freak problem. Anyway. I only wanted to comment on another comment. Caterpillar Girl saying you shouldn't move in with a single parent. What is UP with that? That attitude really gets me. It is the whole Christian living thing, and what people don't seem to realize is children do not really know the difference between a stepmom (married) and dad's girlfriend.(not married) I could marry and divorce fifty people and why would that be any different than if I simply moved them in with me? Of course, I'm not Christian, just like A LOT of other people in this country, so I don't have problems being a little open minded.
KrysNyte KrysNyte 8 years
Sounds like the girl has a control freak problem. Anyway. I only wanted to comment on another comment. Caterpillar Girl saying you shouldn't move in with a single parent. What is UP with that?That attitude really gets me. It is the whole Christian living thing, and what people don't seem to realize is children do not really know the difference between a stepmom (married) and dad's girlfriend.(not married) I could marry and divorce fifty people and why would that be any different than if I simply moved them in with me? Of course, I'm not Christian, just like A LOT of other people in this country, so I don't have problems being a little open minded.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
ok...im an idiot, now you all know who really posted this. I was trying to keep it anonymous, like its supposed to be but I blew my own cover. :o :cocktail:
diazy diazy 8 years
You must really love him. The situation sucks and I hope you can resolve this. And by the way I feel sorry for your boyfriend it must be really hard on him. He sounds like he loves you and probably wants you to be happy and on the other hand he got his son to think about. So it must be hard for him not to say anything when his ex go of. I know for sure it is harder for me to hold my tong than just telling someone off. If you really want to sort this try counseling for the two of you and then try and involve the ex if she doesn't cooperate then get in touch with your lawyers. Good luck I hope you get this sorted :) and ignore the bitchy comments there are plenty of us on your side ;)
diazy diazy 8 years
You must really love him. The situation sucks and I hope you can resolve this. And by the way I feel sorry for your boyfriend it must be really hard on him. He sounds like he loves you and probably wants you to be happy and on the other hand he got his son to think about. So it must be hard for him not to say anything when his ex go of. I know for sure it is harder for me to hold my tong than just telling someone off. If you really want to sort this try counseling for the two of you and then try and involve the ex if she doesn't cooperate then get in touch with your lawyers.Good luck I hope you get this sorted :) and ignore the bitchy comments there are plenty of us on your side ;)
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
No-we live in Kansas. Ive heard (no proof, just hearsay)that midwestern states tend to be very lenient towards mothers.
JovianSkies JovianSkies 8 years
Damn those little emoticons....
JovianSkies JovianSkies 8 years
I just thought of something...you're not in New Jersey, are you? I'm just asking, because New Jersey judges are some of the most corrupt in America. I know firsthand, as my family had been in Family Court in New Jersey, and judges from other states were shocked at our situation (I lived with an abusive father, and my mom kept losing in court for custody), and asked what state/county we were in. We replied "New Jersey", and the judge responded, "Oooh, THAT'S why. Anyone can buy off a New Jersey judge". :TRUESTORY: I sincerely hope that this is NOT the case for you, but if it is, gather ALL information available, concerning her behavior. Record her phone calls, have everyone and everyone evaluated by a psychologist (including the son) if you must.
JovianSkies JovianSkies 8 years
I just thought of something...you're not in New Jersey, are you? I'm just asking, because New Jersey judges are some of the most corrupt in America. I know firsthand, as my family had been in Family Court in New Jersey, and judges from other states were shocked at our situation (I lived with an abusive father, and my mom kept losing in court for custody), and asked what state/county we were in. We replied "New Jersey", and the judge responded, "Oooh, THAT'S why. Anyone can buy off a New Jersey judge". :TRUESTORY:I sincerely hope that this is NOT the case for you, but if it is, gather ALL information available, concerning her behavior. Record her phone calls, have everyone and everyone evaluated by a psychologist (including the son) if you must.
SuperDuper SuperDuper 8 years
oh and when I say "when she found out we moved in together" She actually knew that it was going to happen before it happened...but I guess she didnt want to believe it or something. So she was talking to my BF on the phone one day and he said something to my dog (like "miya, get down") or something along those lines and she flipped out wanting to know who Miya was. (yeah..weird huh, they arent even together and she acts like hes cheating on her) He was like "uh..jennifer's dog" and shes like "what are you doing watching her dog?!" and hes like "uh...we live together..you know that" and thats when it all went way down hill.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
but SHE IS the problem...her attitude. I get she shouldn't be out because she's the mother. But damn, that crazy lady needs to get her act straight! is she 18 or something? I almost want to suggest you two ::shudder:: talk. Call her out. Instead of him dropping off the kid, why dont YOU drop him off, make sure he's in another room and confront her. And if she dare lay a finger on you, woah man....she better have knocked you out. I mean, she's gotta lot of nerve going around, running her mouth and talking all this mess...find out why she dislikes you so much, other than the fact that you're with the man she loves? I dunno...you gotta do something if you want change. YOU. Only YOU can make a change in your life, to be happy. Just don't do anything messy in front of the child (I know u wont).
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
but SHE IS the problem...her attitude. I get she shouldn't be out because she's the mother. But damn, that crazy lady needs to get her act straight! is she 18 or something?I almost want to suggest you two ::shudder:: talk. Call her out. Instead of him dropping off the kid, why dont YOU drop him off, make sure he's in another room and confront her. And if she dare lay a finger on you, woah man....she better have knocked you out.I mean, she's gotta lot of nerve going around, running her mouth and talking all this mess...find out why she dislikes you so much, other than the fact that you're with the man she loves?I dunno...you gotta do something if you want change. YOU. Only YOU can make a change in your life, to be happy. Just don't do anything messy in front of the child (I know u wont).
SuperDuper SuperDuper 8 years
erratic-I dont want her out of our life, I just want the craziness out. I want her to move on and accept the fact that hes not in love with her. I mean...We will get married someday, and I dont want to have security at my wedding incase she shows up...you know what I mean? I just want them to be able to be civil towards eachother. I know its possible, my parents were divorced and they were always pretty civil towards eachother. My sister is divorced and they can get along fine, even though she knows that my neice adores her ex's new girlfriend, she doesnt care because she knows that this woman loves her daughter as if she was a part of her own family. I want her to understand that Im not a bad person, and I wouldnt do anything to harm her son. But mostly I want her to stop using thier son as a way to manipulate my BF. Nina-Yes, hes fought for full custody before, but like a said..she doesnt physically abuse him, hes always clean and well fed.etc. He wants to come live with us, but hes still too young for a judge to really consider that. (because most seven year old boys would rather live with their dad than their mom, and of course, even though we try not to let it happen, he still looks at our house as "fun time with dad" and moms house is when he has to help with his little sister and do homework and get up early and go to school..etc) He has been having behavior problems in school, so I suggested that we go see someone in a legal capacity and see if there was anyway that he could get temporary custody, just to see if he would start doing better in school if he were with us. Right now everything is up in the air as far as going to court because a little while before she found out that we lived together she called him hysterically crying saying that James needed to come live with him, because he needs his dad and shes a horrible mother and she cant take care of him. So they had kinda started the process of her handing him over, but then she found out that we lived together and took it all back. But everyonce in a while, she will get frustrated with James and my BF will get another of those calls, but then she just takes it back the next day. So, its all very tentative right now, but he will go back to court. The plan when we got the new house was that, we would get the house, get it all fixed up and we would have James by the start of the new school year. But...nothing really goes as planned with this woman.
SuperDuper SuperDuper 8 years
erratic-I dont want her out of our life, I just want the craziness out. I want her to move on and accept the fact that hes not in love with her. I mean...We will get married someday, and I dont want to have security at my wedding incase she shows up...you know what I mean? I just want them to be able to be civil towards eachother. I know its possible, my parents were divorced and they were always pretty civil towards eachother. My sister is divorced and they can get along fine, even though she knows that my neice adores her ex's new girlfriend, she doesnt care because she knows that this woman loves her daughter as if she was a part of her own family. I want her to understand that Im not a bad person, and I wouldnt do anything to harm her son. But mostly I want her to stop using thier son as a way to manipulate my BF. Nina-Yes, hes fought for full custody before, but like a said..she doesnt physically abuse him, hes always clean and well fed.etc. He wants to come live with us, but hes still too young for a judge to really consider that. (because most seven year old boys would rather live with their dad than their mom, and of course, even though we try not to let it happen, he still looks at our house as "fun time with dad" and moms house is when he has to help with his little sister and do homework and get up early and go to school..etc) He has been having behavior problems in school, so I suggested that we go see someone in a legal capacity and see if there was anyway that he could get temporary custody, just to see if he would start doing better in school if he were with us. Right now everything is up in the air as far as going to court because a little while before she found out that we lived together she called him hysterically crying saying that James needed to come live with him, because he needs his dad and shes a horrible mother and she cant take care of him. So they had kinda started the process of her handing him over, but then she found out that we lived together and took it all back. But everyonce in a while, she will get frustrated with James and my BF will get another of those calls, but then she just takes it back the next day. So, its all very tentative right now, but he will go back to court. The plan when we got the new house was that, we would get the house, get it all fixed up and we would have James by the start of the new school year. But...nothing really goes as planned with this woman.
Nina_79 Nina_79 8 years
Has your bf (and you) thought about getting custody for his son or having his son live with you and stay with his mother on week-ends or at other times? I know this would be a drastic move but as you describe it she is also hurting her son by not letting him talk to his father and talking bad about him. How do you get along with his son and how is he doing in all this? It is so sad to see when parents use their children to get back at one another after they brake-up.
Nina_79 Nina_79 8 years
Has your bf (and you) thought about getting custody for his son or having his son live with you and stay with his mother on week-ends or at other times? I know this would be a drastic move but as you describe it she is also hurting her son by not letting him talk to his father and talking bad about him. How do you get along with his son and how is he doing in all this? It is so sad to see when parents use their children to get back at one another after they brake-up.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
hmmm....well here's what I see: you and ur man and his kid....dealing with this for as long as that clingy chick is around. period. Your man will always try to be around his kid, as he should, and she will ALWAYS be there to tick you off and make you explode. I really don't see a solution. Things like these don't always end well. I have an uncle who, after maybe 18 years, IS STILL dealing with his baby-momma's crap. He can NEVER have a good relationship with a woman because the PSYCHO is ALWAYS there. Women have come and gone, and she's still standing. Why? Cuz she's the mother of their children. My uncle is MISERABLE. IDK....can u handle this for the rest of your life? I don't know what kind of solution you're asking for....she's never gonna go away.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
hmmm....well here's what I see:you and ur man and his kid....dealing with this for as long as that clingy chick is around. period.Your man will always try to be around his kid, as he should, and she will ALWAYS be there to tick you off and make you explode. I really don't see a solution. Things like these don't always end well.I have an uncle who, after maybe 18 years, IS STILL dealing with his baby-momma's crap. He can NEVER have a good relationship with a woman because the PSYCHO is ALWAYS there. Women have come and gone, and she's still standing. Why? Cuz she's the mother of their children. My uncle is MISERABLE. IDK....can u handle this for the rest of your life? I don't know what kind of solution you're asking for....she's never gonna go away.
SuperDuper SuperDuper 8 years
Caterpillar-My BF and I have been together for the majority of 5 years, and we JUST moved intogether. I dont really see the problem in that. Its not like we met and I just jumped right in a started playing house with his life. We arent married yet, but we've talked about it, and when the timing is right we will be. This is not some fling of a relationship, and we talked with his son about us all living together before it happened, and he couldnt wait for it to happen. So, I really dont see anything wrong with it. davisdavis-thank you for your (nonjudgemental) advice. I know that its going to take alot of patience on my part, I guess I just needed someone to tell me exactly what you siad! Heathero-I think at this point I would prefer her to not even acknowledge my presence! Atleast then she wouldnt be doing serious damage to their child. He told us once "I had to lie to my mom and tell her that I dont like Jennifer because shed get mad at me" Id rather be invisible to her than to hear their son say things like this. it breaks my heart.
SuperDuper SuperDuper 8 years
Caterpillar-My BF and I have been together for the majority of 5 years, and we JUST moved intogether. I dont really see the problem in that. Its not like we met and I just jumped right in a started playing house with his life. We arent married yet, but we've talked about it, and when the timing is right we will be. This is not some fling of a relationship, and we talked with his son about us all living together before it happened, and he couldnt wait for it to happen. So, I really dont see anything wrong with it. davisdavis-thank you for your (nonjudgemental) advice. I know that its going to take alot of patience on my part, I guess I just needed someone to tell me exactly what you siad!Heathero-I think at this point I would prefer her to not even acknowledge my presence! Atleast then she wouldnt be doing serious damage to their child. He told us once "I had to lie to my mom and tell her that I dont like Jennifer because shed get mad at me" Id rather be invisible to her than to hear their son say things like this. it breaks my heart.
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