My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about five years, and we just moved in together two months ago. He has a 7-year-old son who comes over on the weekends. His son's mom is still dead set on trying to win my boyfriend back. She will call him several times a day, everyday. Sometimes it's to let him talk to his son, but most of the time it's not. In fact, she will tell him that he can't talk to his son unless he talks to her first. For a while she would just tell him that she misses him and that she wants to work it out, but a few days ago she actually asked him out on a date!
When she found out that we had moved in together, it got much worse, and she's now calling him up to 40 times a day! When she's not bugging him, she spends her time constantly badmouthing me. I trust my boyfriend, but it does cause fights because I don't understand why he even bothers talking to her.
I understand that they have a son together so they have to talk, but am I asking too much by expecting him to just hang up on her when she goes on one of her rants? Am I going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life? She has threatened to hurt me, and she talks badly about me (and my boyfriend) to their son. Is there anything we can do to tame this situation?
To see DearSugar's answer
Dear Concerned Cora,
This certainly is a difficult situation, especially because there is a child involved. You have every right to feel frustrated, and I agree with you that your boyfriend should hang up as soon as his ex begins saying anything negative about you or your relationship. It sounds like he's worried that she won't let him see his son if he doesn't give into her wants, which is understandable, but try to explain to him that their relationship is not healthy for anyone involved, especially their son.
Though I don't know the specific custody arrangement, I do know that she can't refuse to let him see or speak to his child without legal repercussions. You might want to discuss the possibility of getting a formal custody agreement in place that's legally binding. That said, even if there is a formalized agreement, you're still going to have to deal with this woman for as long as you're with your boyfriend, and unfortunately, you can't control all of her actions or hostility. The most that you can do is keep an open dialog with your boyfriend and try to manage your reactions to the situation. Keep in mind that it's always better to be the bigger person. Best of luck to you.