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You Asked: His Insecurities Are Tearing Us Up

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has been cheated on a lot in his past. Now that he's with me, he doesn't know how to trust and he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him, too. He accuses me of being unfaithful anytime I'm with my friends, even though the thought has never even crossed my mind. I've never cheated before and never intend to, but I can't seem to make him believe me. I care for him deeply but I can't take his constant accusations for much longer. What should I do? — I'm Not Trusted Tanya

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Dear I'm Not Trusted Tanya,

Being in a relationship with someone that doesn't trust you is a huge problem. Trust, communication, and honesty are three major components to a healthy, successful relationship, and it sounds like all three of those are lacking here. While I understand that your boyfriend has been hurt in the past, he could quite possibly ruin the great relationship he has with you simply out of fear of history repeating itself.

I'd start off by having a serious talk with him. Explain to him that you're not like the other woman he dated before you, and make him understand how much you care for him. Unfortunately nothing you say will make him change his tune overnight, so try to give him as much positive reinforcement as you can. You might also want to suggest that he sees a therapist who can help him work through his insecurities and fears.

I'm not surprised that his accusations are bringing you down, especially when they have absolutely no merit, so if nothing changes after opening the lines of communication, this relationship just might not be what's best for either one of you right now. It's very clear that he has a lot of trust issues to work through, and though you care for him deeply, you deserve to be with someone who takes your word to heart.

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K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 8 years
Try to really sit him down and explain that you're not that type of girl and you'd never do so. Let him know that to be together, he can't assume you're like the other girls he's dated and he has to be okay with your hanging out with friends without worrying so much.If you really don't think he can get beyond his worry, you may want to consider breaking up with him. It'll be a wake up call for him, for sure.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 8 years
Try to really sit him down and explain that you're not that type of girl and you'd never do so. Let him know that to be together, he can't assume you're like the other girls he's dated and he has to be okay with your hanging out with friends without worrying so much. If you really don't think he can get beyond his worry, you may want to consider breaking up with him. It'll be a wake up call for him, for sure.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
My fiance and I had this problem for the first few months of our relationship, and there were definitely times when I wondered whether we would ever be able to get over it. But I had a lot of faith in him as a smart and mature person who would eventually see that I am not those girls from Before and that there was no reason for him to put past betrayals on me. Eventually that did happen. Things are bliss now, and none of those trust issues/past demons intrude :) So I wouldn't give up hope on this guy just yet if I were you.
designerel designerel 8 years
This really hits home because I was in the same position-- the bf had been cheated on a couple of times plus he has family issues so he had problems trusting anyone outside of his mom and brother. I mean, he couldn't even trust his own sister for whatever reason. I told him you can't have a relationship without trust, but that I cared about him and really wanted him to be able to trust me, so I was going to stick around for him, and that really meant a lot to him. Someone like him can only gain trust by getting closer to another person over time, so I was giving him that opportunity. I can't be sure he trusts me 100% today (it's been almost 4 months)-- I am guessing not-- and no, I'm not too happy about it, but I believe he is worth it and I want to break him of that cycle-- because of his trust issues he never really had a long-term relationship (albeit for one when he was much younger) Maybe this sounds like a case of "maybe I can fix him," but I think if you believe he is worth it, then be there for him, support him, tell him that you've never given him any reason not to trust you and just be patient.
designerel designerel 8 years
This really hits home because I was in the same position-- the bf had been cheated on a couple of times plus he has family issues so he had problems trusting anyone outside of his mom and brother. I mean, he couldn't even trust his own sister for whatever reason. I told him you can't have a relationship without trust, but that I cared about him and really wanted him to be able to trust me, so I was going to stick around for him, and that really meant a lot to him. Someone like him can only gain trust by getting closer to another person over time, so I was giving him that opportunity. I can't be sure he trusts me 100% today (it's been almost 4 months)-- I am guessing not-- and no, I'm not too happy about it, but I believe he is worth it and I want to break him of that cycle-- because of his trust issues he never really had a long-term relationship (albeit for one when he was much younger)Maybe this sounds like a case of "maybe I can fix him," but I think if you believe he is worth it, then be there for him, support him, tell him that you've never given him any reason not to trust you and just be patient.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Not much you can do but hand him his walking papers. A relationship is nothing without trust.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
Easy:) You sit him down, seriously, take his face in your hands (sweetly, genly, not murderous like lol) and say very solidly something to the effect like.... I am with you, I love you. I will never cheat on you. You cannot keep putting your past into our relationship b/c it is too stressful and irrelevant. I don't want to lose you, but this can't go down a good path if we aren't going to be able to trust each other fully. This is where you fearing me cheating on you is going to stop, so talk to me about whatever you need to make sure that you can trust me. Otherwise I can't stay with you and be punished for what others did. I will never be unfaithful to you" And let him get his concerns out in the open and then agree to put it behind the two of you. But dear me, don't ever cheat on this man!! If you do it will seriously damage him. If you want to stray, suck it up, owe it to him to break up first. But if he keeps being insecure it will carry on the rest of your lives together and just get worse, especially if you are wanting to move into marriage one day. Let him know it has to end now and that you can be trusted, so do let him talk about whatever he needs to now and that again, remind him it has to end. Otherwise insecurities lead to jealousy, which leads to controlling...a slippery slope to a damaging relationship.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
Easy:)You sit him down, seriously, take his face in your hands (sweetly, genly, not murderous like lol) and say very solidly something to the effect like....I am with you, I love you. I will never cheat on you. You cannot keep putting your past into our relationship b/c it is too stressful and irrelevant. I don't want to lose you, but this can't go down a good path if we aren't going to be able to trust each other fully. This is where you fearing me cheating on you is going to stop, so talk to me about whatever you need to make sure that you can trust me. Otherwise I can't stay with you and be punished for what others did. I will never be unfaithful to you"And let him get his concerns out in the open and then agree to put it behind the two of you. But dear me, don't ever cheat on this man!! If you do it will seriously damage him. If you want to stray, suck it up, owe it to him to break up first. But if he keeps being insecure it will carry on the rest of your lives together and just get worse, especially if you are wanting to move into marriage one day. Let him know it has to end now and that you can be trusted, so do let him talk about whatever he needs to now and that again, remind him it has to end. Otherwise insecurities lead to jealousy, which leads to controlling...a slippery slope to a damaging relationship.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
The thing I would be concerned about is that eventually, you may just stop spending as much time with your friends, because you are tired of his accusations. If this happens, his behaviour will start controlling you and your life. This isn't fair to you or your friends. Please make sure that you don't isolate yourself from going out with friends just because of his behaviour. It is not about you and therefore you should not suffer just because he is insecure. Don't let him become controlling. Make sure that you maintain your friendships and your own life if you intend to stay with him. I think you need to just sit him down and tell him that are absolutely fed up with being accused, that it is really hurting you and your are afraid that it is going to ruin your relationship. If he really cares about you, he will smarten up. Loving someone is a leap of faith for anyone, and everyone is afraid of getting hurt. He needs to deal with his problems on his own, perhaps through therapy as dear sugar suggested. Good luck to you.
Greentea1203 Greentea1203 8 years
My boyfriend is pretty similar. It's annoying.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
He has to get over his past experiences and if he can't do that, then he simply is not ready to move on.
TheMissus TheMissus 8 years
Depending on how long you have been with the guy, I say you may just want to evacuate the relationship.Seriously, why waste your time with someone who has baggage that has nothing to do with you? As you said, you have never cheated on anyone and never intend to. And I imagine you have explained this to him before. So, I imagine that you are now at the point where you wonder, "What's the point?"Either he trusts you, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, that's his problem. You've done nothing to warrant being labeled "untrustworthy." He either needs to move forward with you or without you.But, in my opinion, don't waste too much longer worrying about how to fix things with him. When you're in a relationship, you should be able to have an independent life without having to worry about the other person.
TheMissus TheMissus 8 years
Depending on how long you have been with the guy, I say you may just want to evacuate the relationship. Seriously, why waste your time with someone who has baggage that has nothing to do with you? As you said, you have never cheated on anyone and never intend to. And I imagine you have explained this to him before. So, I imagine that you are now at the point where you wonder, "What's the point?" Either he trusts you, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, that's his problem. You've done nothing to warrant being labeled "untrustworthy." He either needs to move forward with you or without you. But, in my opinion, don't waste too much longer worrying about how to fix things with him. When you're in a relationship, you should be able to have an independent life without having to worry about the other person.
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