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You Asked: How Can I Break It Off for Good?

Dear Sugar,

I've been with the same guy for almost ten years; since I was 16. We have two kids together and are not married. I really don't know how to make him understand that I can't do this anymore. I broke up with him once before for a whole two years and he just kept coming back until I got back together with him. I don't want to be with him, but I don't know how to let him go. I think we're too different; that we want two different lives, but I can't make him go away. He won't take me seriously and I don't want to hurt him, but I feel so trapped.

He'll say he wants to see the kids, but that's not what it is — he just wants to see me (well not only me). It's really hard to be around him because he is very charming and he usually convinces me to have sex with him which always leaves me unfulfilled and even more confused. He hasn't even kissed me in years!! I'm so confused. I don't want him, but I don't want him to hate me and that's how he acts every time I try to explain it to him. What should I do? — Over Him Olivia

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Over Him Olivia,

It sounds to me that you are simply too afraid to cut this man out of your life for good, and since you have children together and have been involved for ten years, I don't blame you for being sheepish about it. With that said, it's pretty clear that you aren't happy so it's time to take control of your life and make a change.

I am sure you don't want to hurt him, but Olivia, you're only hurting him, and yourself more by staying in a one sided relationship. The fact that he hasn't kissed you in years leads me to believe that he's not all that happy either. You can't force yourself to feel something that just isn't there, so if I were you, I would end this relationship sooner than later. Of course, separating once and for all will be hard on him, as it will on you, but after the dust settles, I have a feeling you will be able to realize that you did the right thing for everyone involved. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel special, loved, fulfilled, and most of all desired. Good luck to you.

Source

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Join The Conversation
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
i am just so speechless, anyone using Birth Control anymore? or do people not care about screwing up thier children for life? only about "he is very charming"
nikodarling nikodarling 8 years
Just end it already. Its like ripping off a band-aid. I know its hard to do but life goes on Olivia. Focus on your kids and yourself. It sounds like you need some counselling to learn to rebuild yourself as a person independant of him.
nikodarling nikodarling 8 years
Just end it already. Its like ripping off a band-aid. I know its hard to do but life goes on Olivia. Focus on your kids and yourself. It sounds like you need some counselling to learn to rebuild yourself as a person independant of him.
DeeDee316 DeeDee316 8 years
I completely understand what you're going through. I could have written this letter myself. The only difference is that my "ex" and I only have one child together. But I've been involved with him for the last 10 years and it seems as though this man is in my blood. I just can't seem to really move on. As bad as things are, I keep remembering the good times and hoping that things get better and that we'll have the live together that I envision. Like you, I think I've finally faced the fact that we are not going to be together. He is not the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I still miss him so much that everyday it's a struggle to stick to my resolve to end it completely. He's almost an addiction. My loving him despite everything we've been through just doesn't make any sense. And no one else seems to understand Unfortunately I don't really have any advice for you. I'm taking it one day at a time, trying to stay busy and reminding myself that I need to end it. I think about our child and I' do it for her too. I want her to see a good healthy relationship. Dysfunction isn't good for either of us.
DeeDee316 DeeDee316 8 years
I completely understand what you're going through. I could have written this letter myself. The only difference is that my "ex" and I only have one child together. But I've been involved with him for the last 10 years and it seems as though this man is in my blood. I just can't seem to really move on. As bad as things are, I keep remembering the good times and hoping that things get better and that we'll have the live together that I envision. Like you, I think I've finally faced the fact that we are not going to be together. He is not the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I still miss him so much that everyday it's a struggle to stick to my resolve to end it completely. He's almost an addiction. My loving him despite everything we've been through just doesn't make any sense. And no one else seems to understandUnfortunately I don't really have any advice for you. I'm taking it one day at a time, trying to stay busy and reminding myself that I need to end it. I think about our child and I' do it for her too. I want her to see a good healthy relationship. Dysfunction isn't good for either of us.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
Let him see the kids without you. Stop sleeping with him. That fact that you say he doesn't take you seriously is just weird. It's funny reading this, because I have a boyfriend of 10 years and we have two children.......but we're very happy. But if I ever told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, he would take me VERY seriously. SO this must be a common thing with you guys, that has never really been followed through with. HOW broken-up were you really for those two years? What did you do to stay away before? If you are really serious, make him take you seriously. Stop playing games and sleeping with him. Especially since it's not even satisfying.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
Let him see the kids without you. Stop sleeping with him. That fact that you say he doesn't take you seriously is just weird. It's funny reading this, because I have a boyfriend of 10 years and we have two children.......but we're very happy. But if I ever told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, he would take me VERY seriously. SO this must be a common thing with you guys, that has never really been followed through with. HOW broken-up were you really for those two years? What did you do to stay away before? If you are really serious, make him take you seriously. Stop playing games and sleeping with him. Especially since it's not even satisfying.
terryt18 terryt18 8 years
Vicious cycle is right. Why do so many girls replay this over and over?
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
First thing you should do is stop making excuses for yourself. You're in trouble if you can easily be convinced to drop trough. Get into counseling and stop seeing him. This is a viscious cycle that is going no where and only detrimental to you.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
Well you aren't making yourself clear by still sleeping with him!!! You need to communicate with him and tell him it's over. How charming could he be if he doesn't even kiss you? Your sending mixed signals. He deserves to know exactly how you feel.
Marci Marci 8 years
I didn't see this the first time it was posted, so I'll respond now. I'm sure you realize that changing this situation is all up to you. As long as you keep going to bed with this guy and giving in to him, nothing is going to change. It's funny how we'll just along sometimes with some guy that we aren't even attracted to anymore. I think you just have to decide to stand firm and say 'no' and mean 'no'. When you've done that once, you'll feel empowered and it will get easier to be strong with him. Just say no. Then set your sights on a new future for yourself. Eventually you'll meet someone you want a physical relationship, who will kiss you and you'll want more, and who treats you with love, care and respect. Good luck!
Marci Marci 8 years
I didn't see this the first time it was posted, so I'll respond now. I'm sure you realize that changing this situation is all up to you. As long as you keep going to bed with this guy and giving in to him, nothing is going to change. It's funny how we'll just along sometimes with some guy that we aren't even attracted to anymore. I think you just have to decide to stand firm and say 'no' and mean 'no'. When you've done that once, you'll feel empowered and it will get easier to be strong with him. Just say no. Then set your sights on a new future for yourself. Eventually you'll meet someone you want a physical relationship, who will kiss you and you'll want more, and who treats you with love, care and respect. Good luck!
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 8 years
I responded to this about two days ago???? I am confused..are we recycling here?
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