I have been having an on again/off again relationship with a married man for the past eight years. I've been married for 16 years and we have four older children together. My husband found out about the affair two years ago and I ended it for a while, worked on my marriage, but now I am picking things back up with my lover again and I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice?
— Having an Affair Heidi
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Dear Having an Affair Heidi,
This sounds like a lose-lose situation Heidi. I think you know where I stand on affairs, but it sounds like there's something much deeper going on here. First of all, I have to ask you why you're going through the motions with your husband when it's pretty clear that you're no longer interested in making your marriage work? Not only are you jeopardizing your relationship with your husband, but you're clearly not thinking of your children either, let alone this other man's family. Since he forgave you the first time around, he must love you a great deal but if you want to continue having this affair, my advice to you is to leave your husband first.
If you're simply turning to this other man because you've hit a rough patch in your marriage again, try talking to your husband. I also highly recommend seeing a marriage counselor who could help guide you both on how to look deeper into this situation. Affairs are incredibly selfish, and while I can only speculate, they can't make you feel very good about yourself either. If at the end of the day, you can't let go of this other man, I think you should do the selfless thing and go your own way so he can go his own way, too. Yes, it will be hard and very painful for your family, but in the end, it will be the best thing for all involved. Good luck.