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You Asked: How Can I Trust My Husband?

Dear Sugar,

I married a wonderful man two years ago. He never gives me a reason to not trust him but I grew up in a society where husbands cheating on their wives is a given. My husband and I have always had a great relationship, but nowadays I see our marriage falling apart because even though I know he would never cheat on me, I keep thinking he will. Today we once again had the same fight we always do, about my trust issues, and lately we've been fighting about twice a week.

Today was the first time he told me that I'm starting to scare him away and that he could see himself being single again in a few years. That broke my heart because I know it's my fault. I need help — I don't know how to stop this paranoia, and above all, I don't want to lose my husband. He's a good man and loves me dearly. All I want in life is to make him happy but in my attempt, all I'm doing is pushing him away. Do you think we still have a chance to save our marriage? — Paranoid Paula

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Paranoid Paula,

Since you're accustomed to men cheating, it's no wonder you're paranoid about your marriage — who wouldn't be? But with that said, if you don't come to terms with your fears, he's right, you're going to push him away, and possibly for good. Communication is key in any relationship so open up to your husband and express your concerns. Let him know how much you love him and want to trust him, but you're just having a hard time accepting the fact that he's different from what you're accustomed.

Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop is going to make you both crazy so if I were you, I'd talk to a therapist about your anxiety ASAP. Taking your husband with you for a few sessions might not be a bad idea either. Talking through your fears will help you put everything into perspective and certainly help you feel more at ease. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible with your husband and hopefully with a little faith and a lot of trust, your marriage will survive. Good luck to you.

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cloeyxd cloeyxd 8 years
There are so many answers to his question, but I think the most useful one is indeed this: Either go see a therapist by yourself to work through your trust issues, or ask him if he'd be willing to participate in couples counselling with you. I'm pretty certain that if he loves you as he says he does, he'd be more than willing to help you be happy... Especially if at the end of the day he gets to keep you. :) Good luck!
cloeyxd cloeyxd 8 years
There are so many answers to his question, but I think the most useful one is indeed this: Either go see a therapist by yourself to work through your trust issues, or ask him if he'd be willing to participate in couples counselling with you. I'm pretty certain that if he loves you as he says he does, he'd be more than willing to help you be happy... Especially if at the end of the day he gets to keep you. :)Good luck!
Vdogg Vdogg 8 years
Hi,I can relate to you. I too am in a relationship where I think the worst when my boyfriend goes our drinking with his friends for example (tonight actually!).. and I HATE it. I wish wish wish I didn't think this way, and lately it has been an issue within our relationship as well.. to the piont where he has also said if things don't change sooner or later we'll be doomed. So here is what I've thought about in trying to deal with this problem: We've already established that it's a cultural issue for you primarily, that you're used to cheating within your culture. But is it more of a familiar issue also? The psychology student in me is wondering whether or not you have a secure relationship with your parents? If you've grown up feeling as though they don't care about you, then this is a good indicator that these feelings have transfered into your adult relationships because of your negative view on relationships. If this is the case and you feel as though this is a constant pattern for you, you need to see a therapist to work out the underlying issues you have with trust. If this is the first time you remember being untrusting however, then chances are this is an issue specific to your relationship, like it is for me. I've never recalled being so controlling and untrusting in any other relationships of mine, and so i decided to analyze (along with my boyfriend) WHY we are disfunctional. Personally, my relationship started with baggage (his, not mine) He came into the relationship lying about an ex and immediately started lying to cover up anything he thought would scare me away. This continued until slowly i started uncovering little secrets he'd been holding from me.. making me grow more and more suspicious. Now don't get me wrong, like you there is nothing to indicate cheating.. he has never given me that impression. But with a vicious cycle of him telling lies, me uncovering them, and becoming more suspicious, we have turned our relationship into a full-blown lie-and-uncover cycle. Ultimatums don't work, because he may perceieve this as being more controlling. But my suggestion is if this is sounding even remotely similar to your situation, you need to figure out what has led you to begin your suspicions in the first place.. the way to solve this is definately at the root of the problem. I wish you luck because i think it would be a shame for two people who love each other to break up over something which CAN be fixed. and i wish me luck too.
Vdogg Vdogg 8 years
Hi, I can relate to you. I too am in a relationship where I think the worst when my boyfriend goes our drinking with his friends for example (tonight actually!).. and I HATE it. I wish wish wish I didn't think this way, and lately it has been an issue within our relationship as well.. to the piont where he has also said if things don't change sooner or later we'll be doomed. So here is what I've thought about in trying to deal with this problem: We've already established that it's a cultural issue for you primarily, that you're used to cheating within your culture. But is it more of a familiar issue also? The psychology student in me is wondering whether or not you have a secure relationship with your parents? If you've grown up feeling as though they don't care about you, then this is a good indicator that these feelings have transfered into your adult relationships because of your negative view on relationships. If this is the case and you feel as though this is a constant pattern for you, you need to see a therapist to work out the underlying issues you have with trust. If this is the first time you remember being untrusting however, then chances are this is an issue specific to your relationship, like it is for me. I've never recalled being so controlling and untrusting in any other relationships of mine, and so i decided to analyze (along with my boyfriend) WHY we are disfunctional. Personally, my relationship started with baggage (his, not mine) He came into the relationship lying about an ex and immediately started lying to cover up anything he thought would scare me away. This continued until slowly i started uncovering little secrets he'd been holding from me.. making me grow more and more suspicious. Now don't get me wrong, like you there is nothing to indicate cheating.. he has never given me that impression. But with a vicious cycle of him telling lies, me uncovering them, and becoming more suspicious, we have turned our relationship into a full-blown lie-and-uncover cycle. Ultimatums don't work, because he may perceieve this as being more controlling. But my suggestion is if this is sounding even remotely similar to your situation, you need to figure out what has led you to begin your suspicions in the first place.. the way to solve this is definately at the root of the problem. I wish you luck because i think it would be a shame for two people who love each other to break up over something which CAN be fixed. and i wish me luck too.
JessBear JessBear 8 years
Get therapy on your own, because obviously you have issues you need to resolve, but ALSO go to couple's therapy. The thing is, chances are he's not The Absolute Most Perfectest Husband Ever. It's so easy for both of you to blame all your problems on YOUR trust issues, you might be overlooking things that HE does that increase your anxiety. A therapist can pinpoint behaviours from both of you that cause you to worry, or that turn worry into and all out fight. Y
0danielle0 0danielle0 8 years
Get therapy. You've already acknowledged you have unresolved issues. Most of the time that's the most important and most difficult step. Go talk to someone who can help you work through them. :)
mlen mlen 8 years
the fact that he is honest enough to tell you that means you can still save the marriage. but you really have to work hard and show him you are working hard. therapy might be a good option maybe by yourself at first and then with your husband so he can understand where your issues are coming from.
clarapl clarapl 8 years
I'm sure I'm in the minority with my opinion, but I would not automatically discount the doubts you're having about your husband's fidelity. (Please note I say "not AUTOMATICALLY." I'm not saying you necessarily SHOULD believe in your fears, either.) By that I simply mean, look within yourself to see if this could possibly be your intuition telling you something is wrong, even though you have no evidence of it, or if it is really just your own insecurities.Have you always been this insecure and afraid of your partner cheating? Or could it be that there is something about this relationship that makes you feel that way? Sometimes we women take too much responsibility in these matters, I think. Women's magazines have conditioned us to constantly tinker with our relationships instead of just finding someone who treats us well and we can be happy with. You may THINK the way you are feeling is your fault--I did in a similar situation--but then I found with a different guy that somehow he never raised fears in me that he would cheat.However, only you know yourself (and your relationship) well enough to answer this. Good luck!
clarapl clarapl 8 years
I'm sure I'm in the minority with my opinion, but I would not automatically discount the doubts you're having about your husband's fidelity. (Please note I say "not AUTOMATICALLY." I'm not saying you necessarily SHOULD believe in your fears, either.) By that I simply mean, look within yourself to see if this could possibly be your intuition telling you something is wrong, even though you have no evidence of it, or if it is really just your own insecurities. Have you always been this insecure and afraid of your partner cheating? Or could it be that there is something about this relationship that makes you feel that way? Sometimes we women take too much responsibility in these matters, I think. Women's magazines have conditioned us to constantly tinker with our relationships instead of just finding someone who treats us well and we can be happy with. You may THINK the way you are feeling is your fault--I did in a similar situation--but then I found with a different guy that somehow he never raised fears in me that he would cheat. However, only you know yourself (and your relationship) well enough to answer this. Good luck!
nikodarling nikodarling 8 years
I agree on the therapy. Its good that you are aware that you have this problem and that you and he are talking about it, but obviously its not enough for you. Don't throw your entire relationship away for something that hasn't even happened yet.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree with others who suggested therapy. You need help to resolve your inner issues. You inner issues seem to be inner demons, if you ask me. Do it soon before you drive your husband away, and ruin your marriage.Kudos to you for recognizing and taking accountability for yourself. That's a big step towards recovery. Big hug to you.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree with others who suggested therapy. You need help to resolve your inner issues. You inner issues seem to be inner demons, if you ask me. Do it soon before you drive your husband away, and ruin your marriage. Kudos to you for recognizing and taking accountability for yourself. That's a big step towards recovery. Big hug to you.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
If your jealousy doesn't ruin your marriage, the insecurity and constant arguments will.Please go seek some therapy ASAP before your relationship and your marriage gets to the point where it becomes irrepairable.
almost-famous almost-famous 8 years
married people with problems usually seek couple's concelor. In this cause YOU need the conseling. If he's such a dear then there shouldnt be a thing to worry about, unless there's more to the story! Is there? If not stop whinning and realize he's a good catch. I also noticed he said If it doesn't change, i'll leave in a few years, or something like that. Honey he gave you a FEW years. Three more year other men would have giving their wives... THINK ABOUT IT!
almost-famous almost-famous 8 years
married people with problems usually seek couple's concelor. In this cause YOU need the conseling. If he's such a dear then there shouldnt be a thing to worry about, unless there's more to the story! Is there? If not stop whinning and realize he's a good catch. I also noticed he said If it doesn't change, i'll leave in a few years, or something like that. Honey he gave you a FEW years. Three more year other men would have giving their wives... THINK ABOUT IT!
cubadog cubadog 8 years
Get yourself into therapy. This has gotten to the point that it has taken over your life and will not get better until you fix you. I also think it will give you an opportunity to learn how to be a better communicator, it doesn't sound like you are as open as you need to be with your husband.
DCRoamer DCRoamer 8 years
I think you have a chance, because it sounds like you both communicate a lot. But seeing a therapist is key. These are deep issues that you may need some help working through. Hopefully when your husband sees that you are seeking help, he will be more comforted. Good luck!
LovelyLady8 LovelyLady8 8 years
wow! i feel like i am going through the same thing. we live in a society that it is almost laughable when people cheat. marriages, relationships, engagements are all taken not so seriously. i have a constant fear that although my boyfriend has been 100% faithful to me.. that he will indeed join the statistic of people that cheat.. i worry about co workers.. i worry about women in bars.. i worry about someone at the gas station. and it nearly ruined our relationship. he gave me NO reason to feel like that but let's get real.. you can't DO anything in your life except face the facts that this happens.. and it happens a lot. I want to believe that he will never do this.. but in all actuality he may.. and i just had a HUGE blow up with my boyfriend about this too. but it's all in my own head. i think that you need to sit your hubby down and have a heart to heart. communication is the key. tell him why you feel this way.. and he probably will say well i am not doing anything and you need to get over this.. respect that too. I think the best thing to do is get it out of your head. keep occupied and don't give yourself too much time to analyze everything. i am VERY VERY VERY guilty of being skeptical and suspicious JUST LIKE YOU.. but i can't be forever because it is very toxic and really messes up your relationship. i sound like i am begging.. and maybe i am.. but you have to take steps to correct this because if you don't i think you will REALLY regret pushing him away. good luck :O) us girls that ARE faithful and are looking for a good faithful man need to stick together.. because it is a scary world out there and sometimes you just gotta have a little faith.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Go to counseling ASAP! This fear is too big for you/ him to deal with!!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
just STOP thinking it.STOPSTOPSTOPJUST STOP.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
just STOP thinking it. STOP STOP STOP JUST STOP.
Liss1 Liss1 8 years
I agree go get therapy and hopefully it helps before you push you jusband to much farther away. Good Luck!
jennifer76 jennifer76 8 years
I understand that it's really hard to control these kinds of deep seated issues. So, I really urge you to seek counseling.Think about it this way - because you're terrified of losing him due to cheating, you're going to lose him by destroying what you've described as a great relationship.
jennifer76 jennifer76 8 years
I understand that it's really hard to control these kinds of deep seated issues. So, I really urge you to seek counseling. Think about it this way - because you're terrified of losing him due to cheating, you're going to lose him by destroying what you've described as a great relationship.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I grew up in a family where my father cheated. It scared me, but i knew that if i obsessed about it to my husband and kept him under that guilt that wasnt even his, he would just go out and do it anyway! i mean the guilt and estrangement is already there right? might as well go and enjoy yourself. So i got counseling, for my issues, and all is well.
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