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You Asked: How Do I Bring Up His Porn Habit?

Dear Sugar,

Recently my own computer broke, so I started using my husband's. Since then, I've noticed that he constantly deletes his site history before I use it again. I know that he's looked at pornography before, and I can only assume that he's just trying to hide it. Although I know watching porn online is common, it's not something I feel too great about. But truthfully, I think what's bothering me more than anything else is how secretive he's being about it. I wish we could honestly and openly discuss this, but I wouldn't even know how to bring it up. Should I just deal with it or try talk to him? How should I start that conversation?

— Let's Talk About Porn Pam

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Let's Talk About Porn Pam,

Whether or not you're comfortable with it, porn appears to be part of your husband's life, so I definitely think talking about it with him is a good idea. Otherwise this could be something always lurking underneath your relationship when it really shouldn't be. It sounds like your husband is trying to hide this because he's either ashamed or worried that you'll be mad at him. While it's certainly not a very comfortable topic of conversation to bring up, I think once it's out in the open, both of you will feel a lot better about it.

Next time you're alone with him, mention that you've noticed that he's been deleting his Internet history. Make sure he understands that you're not attacking him or judging him but that you just want there to be more communication around this particular subject. Instead of approaching it from a fearful standpoint, try coming from a place of curiosity and interest in what turns your husband on and satisfies his needs. Once he knows that it's a safe place to discuss this, it's likely that he'll open up to you on his own.

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FB1977 FB1977 8 years
The fact that he's trying to hide it would be enough concern for me, due a recent experience I had. To the original poster - feel free to PM me if you need to talk more.
a_mama a_mama 8 years
Maybe he has a fetish he hasn't been able to share with you.
lmbilello lmbilello 8 years
No offense, I'm truly not trying to be mean or hurtful, but it seems a little weird that you are checking the history files on his computer anyway. I don't do that with anyone I know, including my boyfriend, I think it is more than a little invasive. I wouldn't even check my own mother's computer, who I know looks at nothing but gardening sites! I definitely think this is something you should address if it is bothering you but I would also give some thought as to why exactly you looked at his files in the first place or why you even noticed that he had done it repeatedly. After all, a lot of people set their history and temporary files to delete frequently.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
"I don't see why you'd want to know *exactly* what he was looking at anyway."That's a really good point as well! Some things are just better left unsaid and unknown, I think ;) My fiance doesn't need, or want, to know which cuties I look at (though mine are not porn)--it's not like any of that is a threat to him anyway.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
"I don't see why you'd want to know *exactly* what he was looking at anyway." That's a really good point as well! Some things are just better left unsaid and unknown, I think ;) My fiance doesn't need, or want, to know which cuties I look at (though mine are not porn)--it's not like any of that is a threat to him anyway.
Brooklynbee Brooklynbee 8 years
I'd let it go - it's his computer, he can look at whatever he wants and delete his browsing history however often he wants. I don't see why you'd want to know *exactly* what he was looking at anyway.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I'd talk to him and tell him you noticed he deleted the computer's history. Tell him that you were wondering why. Tell him that it's not the porn that bothers you so much as the hiding it. Then tell him you're not completely cool with the porn but that it's better if he didn't hide it from you and create an un-trusting environment.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
I wouldn't be too bothered about it unless I discovered something truly disturbing among his porn viewings--children, animals, poo, etc. Sometimes people just need to keep stuff like that secret, and not everyone truly wants or needs to share those details.
ptotheenguin ptotheenguin 8 years
"Should I just deal with it or try talk to him?"If I were you, I would just deal with it, especially if you understand that it's normal. If your major concern is his hiding it, well, try to understand that porn is a secretive thing. Try to let it go. It's not worth a fight.Of course, porn isn't a big deal to me. My deal is that he can look at it as long as he doesn't leave it for me to find -- so deleting the browser history is considerate to me.If you can't let it go, then yes, you should try to talk to him. But first, consider exactly what you want to talk to him about. Do you want him to stop looking at porn? That could be a big demand. Do you want him to stop deleting his browser history? Or do you just want him to know that you know he looks at porn? If you start the conversation without a clear goal, you'll just end up unloading bad feelings onto him, and you'll both end up upset. Good luck!
ptotheenguin ptotheenguin 8 years
"Should I just deal with it or try talk to him?" If I were you, I would just deal with it, especially if you understand that it's normal. If your major concern is his hiding it, well, try to understand that porn is a secretive thing. Try to let it go. It's not worth a fight. Of course, porn isn't a big deal to me. My deal is that he can look at it as long as he doesn't leave it for me to find -- so deleting the browser history is considerate to me. If you can't let it go, then yes, you should try to talk to him. But first, consider exactly what you want to talk to him about. Do you want him to stop looking at porn? That could be a big demand. Do you want him to stop deleting his browser history? Or do you just want him to know that you know he looks at porn? If you start the conversation without a clear goal, you'll just end up unloading bad feelings onto him, and you'll both end up upset. Good luck!
Trixie6 Trixie6 8 years
Why don't you just ask him? Take him for a drive & bring it up in the car. (I read somewhere that men tend to open up in the car more than anywhere else.) You don't have to be confrontational about it. Tell him you noticed that he deletes his internet history and you're just wondering why.
Leanne1078 Leanne1078 8 years
My guy hid it at first with me, but I let him know it was ok by saving some good porn sites on his computer for him to look at :) Now we just laugh whenever it comes up, especially since we are now in a long distance relationship--of course he looks at porn, so do I!! But if you're not comfortable with porn, I would just leave it alone. It's really not worth the argument.
ghostgrrl ghostgrrl 8 years
He is just being considerate by covering his tracks. Read Dan Savage's columns about guys and porn.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
If you have ever discussed porn before with him, he can probably sense it is something you don't feel too great about. If he can tell you don't really like it that he watches it, there is no reason for him to be open about his habit. To be honest, I don't really see the point in talking about it. He will just feel ashamed or embarassed that he watches it, and that you brought it up. Unless you really want to watch it with him, I don't see why you need to bring it up. It seems like it would be just be an uncomfortable situation for both of you.
heineken67 heineken67 8 years
He could also be looking at things other than porn, and just doesn't want you to know about them. Maybe you should approach this with a more open mind. Let him know that you've noticed his history-clearing habits, and tell him that you love him and don't want him to feel like he has to keep things from you. If it turns out the sites he's hiding are porn, make sure he knows how it makes you feel (if he doesn't already), then thank him for his discretion and don't bring it up again. You're probably better off not knowing exactly what he's looking at if it is porn, unless you want to try out some of the stuff he likes in order to reclaim his attention.
heineken67 heineken67 8 years
He could also be looking at things other than porn, and just doesn't want you to know about them. Maybe you should approach this with a more open mind. Let him know that you've noticed his history-clearing habits, and tell him that you love him and don't want him to feel like he has to keep things from you. If it turns out the sites he's hiding are porn, make sure he knows how it makes you feel (if he doesn't already), then thank him for his discretion and don't bring it up again. You're probably better off not knowing exactly what he's looking at if it is porn, unless you want to try out some of the stuff he likes in order to reclaim his attention.
frostfromfire frostfromfire 8 years
While he might be embarrassed by it, I consider it a sign of respect that he wouldn't have that stuff lurking around on his computer. I understand the trust issue here, and I agree with all of it. But I don't think he's being a total jerk just because he covers his tracks. It doesn't necessarily mean he's not man enough to talk about it, it just means that he's willing to respect your disinterest in seeing it yourself.
remedios remedios 8 years
If you've given any indication of your feelings on the subject, I don't see why he would talk to you about it. You feel one way, he feels another, and it's not worth it to get into a fight. I would probably delete my history too. I think that you're going to have to either accept that he's hiding it from you or accept that he likes porn.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
exactly as sugar said, he could feel ashamed of it (especially depending on how he grew up with it, if his mother made him feel it was something dirty or tabu rather than completely normal) or he feels guilty having you know about it, OR he wants to hide it to avoid an argument (again, it's something perfectly natural and most women can't handle it, so rather than argue over something that is normal, men will do almost anything to avoid an argument, even if it doesn't make sense to us, all they see is 'do this, no mad honey') or even he's hiding it out of what he thinks is respect for you. A good thing to do is kind of throw him off guard...try to see what type of porn that he's looking at and then surprise him by finding some yourself and sending it to him, and saying 'i thought you might like this' or find something you like too and look at it together. My boyfriend did the same thing, he kept hiding his history so I wouldn't be able to see it b/c he thought that (1) I would get mad and (2) that he felt guilty about doing it, and after quite a bit of convincing, I let him REALLY understand that I knew there was nothing wrong with it and that I did not take any offense whatsoever to it, and that we can look at it together, or he can look at it on his own...whatever either of us wants! I really surprised him when I came in the room and told him look, i know you're hiding it and I perfectly understand....you need to be able to trust ME that I won't be upset, and so I can't wait for the day that I stumble on your computer and you don't hide it, b/c then I know that you finally have that faith and trust in me and are comfortable with it and me, he looked a bit taken aback and a bit saddened that I brought it up as him trusting ME...and he never has hidden it again:)
Berlin Berlin 8 years
exactly as sugar said, he could feel ashamed of it (especially depending on how he grew up with it, if his mother made him feel it was something dirty or tabu rather than completely normal) or he feels guilty having you know about it, OR he wants to hide it to avoid an argument (again, it's something perfectly natural and most women can't handle it, so rather than argue over something that is normal, men will do almost anything to avoid an argument, even if it doesn't make sense to us, all they see is 'do this, no mad honey') or even he's hiding it out of what he thinks is respect for you. A good thing to do is kind of throw him off guard...try to see what type of porn that he's looking at and then surprise him by finding some yourself and sending it to him, and saying 'i thought you might like this' or find something you like too and look at it together. My boyfriend did the same thing, he kept hiding his history so I wouldn't be able to see it b/c he thought that (1) I would get mad and (2) that he felt guilty about doing it, and after quite a bit of convincing, I let him REALLY understand that I knew there was nothing wrong with it and that I did not take any offense whatsoever to it, and that we can look at it together, or he can look at it on his own...whatever either of us wants! I really surprised him when I came in the room and told him look, i know you're hiding it and I perfectly understand....you need to be able to trust ME that I won't be upset, and so I can't wait for the day that I stumble on your computer and you don't hide it, b/c then I know that you finally have that faith and trust in me and are comfortable with it and me, he looked a bit taken aback and a bit saddened that I brought it up as him trusting ME...and he never has hidden it again:)
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