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You Asked: How Do I Make a Clean Break?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of about a year and a half and I broke up in December. We had a good relationship, but we were not without our problems. One major issue was that he had a child and a lot of baggage with the child's mother, specifically that he was not involved enough in his kid's life. After a lot of ups and downs centering around that issue, among others, I finally decided to end things with him. I felt that at some point, he would break up with me to be with them, and I didn't want to hang around and wait for that to happen. About two weeks after we broke up, they got back together and got engaged.

The problem is that he is still telling me that he loves me, but he claims that he is "doing what he has to do." We still have this amazing connection, and I still love him. Things have escalated, and we are basically having an affair. I know that he is never going to leave his fiancée because he wants a family for his child, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to end my relationship with him and this affair once and for all. Please help!

— Need to Get Out Natasha

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Need to Get Out Natasha,

First of all, while I don't doubt your connection with each other, I'm a bit skeptical of your ex. It doesn't sound like he's ready for a mature relationship if he left you only to get engaged two weeks later, all the while carrying on an affair with you while he's supposed to be committed to starting his family.

It's obvious that he's not going to be the one to end things, so you need to be brave and put an end to this relationship before you end up getting even more hurt than you already are. Explain to him that what you guys are doing just isn't right, and be firm when you ask him not to contact you anymore. He's getting away with having his cake and eating it too, so you have to stop enabling him to have the best of both worlds. You deserve to be with someone who only has eyes for you, so the sooner you move on from this situation, the sooner you'll be able to find someone who is deserving of your love and vice versa. Good luck.

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Belle1031 Belle1031 8 years
If it took him two weeks after you two broke up to run back to her then he never loved you. When you love someone no matter what the circumstance maybe, you DO NOT run to another woman in 2 weeks. Have respect for yourself and leave him. He claims to be trying to give his son a "family", but a family does not include daddy having sex with someone besides mommy. Good luck!
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 8 years
This situation is terrible! But you already know that. And you already know that this won't go on. You should ask him when they plan to get married and use that conversation to springboard into one about how things between just have to end now. And then cut off contact so you won't have him planting doubts about your final decisions.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
There is no love without respect, leave him. Love yourself enough and leave him.
avettafawna avettafawna 8 years
All other issues aside, how can you respect a man who is such a big baby? The thing that struck me when I read your post was not the affair, but the speed with which he was engaged after you broke up. Two weeks? It seems that he is clearly a weak man who can't be alone, and is now using his kid as an excuse to have another woman take care of him for the rest of his life, even while he continues to be coddled by you. Let me ask: If he hadn't gotten engaged and found himself in a situation in which he is able to paint himself as a noble father in need of pity, would you have started sleeping with him again? Be patient. In time you'll see how cowardly he is. There is nothing brave about sleeping with two women simultaneously, even if someone tells you its for the good of an innocent child.
avettafawna avettafawna 8 years
All other issues aside, how can you respect a man who is such a big baby? The thing that struck me when I read your post was not the affair, but the speed with which he was engaged after you broke up. Two weeks? It seems that he is clearly a weak man who can't be alone, and is now using his kid as an excuse to have another woman take care of him for the rest of his life, even while he continues to be coddled by you. Let me ask: If he hadn't gotten engaged and found himself in a situation in which he is able to paint himself as a noble father in need of pity, would you have started sleeping with him again? Be patient. In time you'll see how cowardly he is. There is nothing brave about sleeping with two women simultaneously, even if someone tells you its for the good of an innocent child.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
tell the soon to be wife or wife or whatever she is. she'll end it for you and that will be that.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 8 years
I don't mean to sound so harsh as I know you're going through a difficult time. But please remember. Love yourself first.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 8 years
I think you know how to make a clean break, problem is, you probably don't want to. This guy is clearly a jerk - and there obviously isn't a future with him. You went from being his woman to the other woman within a matter of months...way to disrespect yourself. I know it will be hard to ignore him, to stop talking to him, and to delete his number off your phone (you probably have it memorized). But you need to focus on yourself and your future and being happy again. Please don't rationalize that he makes you happy (we all tend to do that when we know things aren't going well). As for this amazing connection, sorry to say, it isn't real. He wouldn't have gotten engaged to his baby's momma so soon after you guys breaking up. And just think about it...why would you even want to touch him after he's slept with her?
rca1 rca1 8 years
some men will say what they think you want to hear to keep you this is not a real connection.this guy is trouble,move on.
kaenai kaenai 8 years
If he wanted to be with you, he would have fought harder for you, instead of rushing off to get engaged. Break it off, and don't answer his calls, emails, or any other attempts at contact. Delete his number from your cell phone (because I know you have it there).He's committed himself to someone else, so it's time for you to move on.
kaenai kaenai 8 years
If he wanted to be with you, he would have fought harder for you, instead of rushing off to get engaged. Break it off, and don't answer his calls, emails, or any other attempts at contact. Delete his number from your cell phone (because I know you have it there). He's committed himself to someone else, so it's time for you to move on.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
Exactly as the others have said...you need to be strong and realize you don't have a relationship with this man. Let him go, believe in yourself, and don't be duped. Give him an order, a demand not to contact you, and you want no further communication. If he doesn't respect your wish, then just change your number and don't have any further contact. It's for the best and you deserve a good relationship, not one where you have to deal with others' baggage and issues. Relationships are hard enough on their own!
luvmycpt luvmycpt 8 years
Just end it. Don't have contact with him any more...get some self control. end of story.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 8 years
You should cut off all contact from this loser. It will make it easier for you to accept the break-up. Not only is his behavior towards you seriously shady and disrespectful, but there's a tiny chance this child might get to grow up with both parents, and you're jeopardizing his family. Grow a pair and do the right thing.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
You fell for the ol rope a dope! You got played so bad that now YOUR the other woman! It's so obvious he cheated while with you and now he's cheating on her. Self respect alone should allow you to end this. Good Luck!
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