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You Asked: How Do I Tell Him That I Have a Child?

Dear Sugar,
I met a guy while getting my MBA about six months ago, and we have been casually talking when we see each other in class. Recently there has been some flirting going on, and we have even met up for drinks with friends a couple of times. I'm starting to have a little crush on him, but I have a child and I don't know how to tell him that. I haven't told him yet because it was always a casual conversation, but now that things are starting to take a new direction, I feel like I should. I am just really confused as to how I should tell him about my son. Any advice?

— Worried About His Reaction Reese

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Worried About His Reaction Reese,

Obviously you really like this guy and don't want to scare him away, but I think the best way to tell him is just to go ahead and do it. The bigger deal that you make out of it, the more awkward it will be; he's going to take his cues from you, so if you act confident, he'll be comfortable. At the same time, don't undermine the importance of the issue. You're a mom, and that's a significant part of your life, so don't be afraid to talk about it with him. Keep in mind that no matter how you say it, it doesn't change the fact that you have a son, and in order to date you, your crush has to be OK with that — trust me on this one, if he's not OK with it, it's a dealbreaker.

Source

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CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 7 years
some of these comments are very interesting. This is what my BF said to me (it was 5 years ago, so it may not be verbatum..but you get the drift) "I have a 3 year old son, I try to be friendly with his mom for his sake, if you cant handle that then kick rocks" There was no apologizing or hiding, and it obviously worked out ok for us.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 7 years
some of these comments are very interesting. This is what my BF said to me (it was 5 years ago, so it may not be verbatum..but you get the drift) "I have a 3 year old son, I try to be friendly with his mom for his sake, if you cant handle that then kick rocks" There was no apologizing or hiding, and it obviously worked out ok for us.
Marci Marci 7 years
Just tell him. It's not like the child is going to go away anytime soon, so any guy will need to know about that. But I think it's really such a shame that you feel ambivalent about sharing this information, as though it's something to hide or that hinders.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 7 years
yea thats a brilliant idea kristin make him seem like a dumba$$ for forgetting or not being able to read minds......dont lay it on him
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
I can't see why it hasn't come up already, and why your son would be a problem to bring up, but anyway chances are he may already know from mutual friends and word around. Just casually mention something regarding your son, if he seems schocked, just say, Oh I figured you knew.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
I can't see why it hasn't come up already, and why your son would be a problem to bring up, but anyway chances are he may already know from mutual friends and word around. Just casually mention something regarding your son, if he seems schocked, just say, Oh I figured you knew.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 7 years
I also find it strange that by now the topic of your offspring hasnt come up in conversation, so i suggest you go out to dinner and in the middle of it say "I have a child, can you pass the peas" (love the movie For Keeps if you cant tell)
sass317 sass317 7 years
Speaking as someone who was kept in the dark about the fact that the guy I was seeing was expecting a child (oh yeah the baby wasnt even born yet!) you need to figure out a way to tell him. It doesnt need to be a big heavy situation- but you have to bring it up, bc he might not want to date someone who has kids, but you have to let him make that choice.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 7 years
:baby: I had a bff who had this same "issue". :prego: The plus side is that it helps weed out the shitheads and dickwads! I totally understand why you couldnt have or didnt tell him by now. Its sometimes one of those things that doesnt come up in casual conversation right away. Maybe you could let him discover it, like have a picture on your key chain or something?
Liss1 Liss1 7 years
That is weird, why wouldn't you have mentioned your child immediately? Now it looks like you were hiding something. I would get to know him for a while before you introduce him to your son as you want to make sure that he is someone that you want in your childs life.
Martini-Rossi Martini-Rossi 7 years
Thats kinda weird. Its your child, why would you want to keep him as a secret? If you feel as if you have to lie about your kid to a man, then hes not worth it. How did your son not come up in any of your conversations? WEIRD!!!!! When you finally mention your kid he'll probably think it was strange that you never mentioned him in the first place.I think its a turn off when parents try to hide the fact that they have kids. Its tasteless and says alot about the person.
Martini-Rossi Martini-Rossi 7 years
Thats kinda weird. Its your child, why would you want to keep him as a secret? If you feel as if you have to lie about your kid to a man, then hes not worth it. How did your son not come up in any of your conversations? WEIRD!!!!! When you finally mention your kid he'll probably think it was strange that you never mentioned him in the first place. I think its a turn off when parents try to hide the fact that they have kids. Its tasteless and says alot about the person.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
It's kind of strange you've been talking to this guy casually for 6 months and you haven't mentioned your child once. Every mother I know mentions their kids a ton...because they're proud. Could it be you're ashamed? So you keep from mentioning it until it becomes an issue? Just tell him. He's going to wonder why you haven't mentioned it until now...anyone would.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
It's kind of strange you've been talking to this guy casually for 6 months and you haven't mentioned your child once. Every mother I know mentions their kids a ton...because they're proud. Could it be you're ashamed? So you keep from mentioning it until it becomes an issue?Just tell him. He's going to wonder why you haven't mentioned it until now...anyone would.
jaxon jaxon 7 years
First TELL HIM NOW!! There is no reason to beat around the bush or hint. just tell him. it's your child for landsakes stop hiding him. If you want to date him it's going to come out it's not a pimple you can hide with makeup for a few dates. He either stay (which is most likely) or go... And dont introduce him to your child for a while. Women are to quick to make instant families. Children need to remain separate from your dating life
jaxon jaxon 7 years
First TELL HIM NOW!! There is no reason to beat around the bush or hint. just tell him. it's your child for landsakes stop hiding him. If you want to date him it's going to come out it's not a pimple you can hide with makeup for a few dates. He either stay (which is most likely) or go...And dont introduce him to your child for a while. Women are to quick to make instant families. Children need to remain separate from your dating life
vmruby vmruby 7 years
He would know I have a child within the first few minutes of the conversation so there are no misunderstandings about where my priorities are. If he can't handle the fact that i'm a parent then it's better that it's made clear from the very beginning before a relationship could ever happen.
terryt18 terryt18 7 years
Firstly, thanks for not being one of those parents that constantly talks about their child/ren. Ugh. Kills me. Secondly, sho'nuff, girl, you gotta just throw that out there. Not the kid, the fact that you have a kid. Don't plop the kid on his lap as a surprise. If he doesn't like it, I echo earlier sentiments: deal breaker. Oh my god, y'all, let me tell you what my little 4 year old niece did the other day...
terryt18 terryt18 7 years
Firstly, thanks for not being one of those parents that constantly talks about their child/ren. Ugh. Kills me. Secondly, sho'nuff, girl, you gotta just throw that out there. Not the kid, the fact that you have a kid. Don't plop the kid on his lap as a surprise. If he doesn't like it, I echo earlier sentiments: deal breaker. Oh my god, y'all, let me tell you what my little 4 year old niece did the other day...
karlotta karlotta 7 years
When you go out, just tell a funny story about your kid (I'm sure there are tons!); if you bring him up casually, and don't make a big sit down deal about it, maybe it will be ok? I understand why you're nervous, but the longer you go without telling him, the worse it will get! Good luck. I hope he's a good guy! .
karlotta karlotta 7 years
When you go out, just tell a funny story about your kid (I'm sure there are tons!); if you bring him up casually, and don't make a big sit down deal about it, maybe it will be ok? I understand why you're nervous, but the longer you go without telling him, the worse it will get! Good luck. I hope he's a good guy!.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
I hate hints because i think theyre from the weak and the foolish. Just say that you have a son and let that be the end of it. He or she is a fact of life, you guys are just friends at this point.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
I hate hints because i think theyre from the weak and the foolish.Just say that you have a son and let that be the end of it. He or she is a fact of life, you guys are just friends at this point.
goesmyheart goesmyheart 7 years
Yeah hotstuff that is a good point too. I didn't even think of that. My mom and step dad met and married... he didn't run away! Think of all the step-parents in the world. And if he runs he is not good enough for you and your son.
hotstuff hotstuff 7 years
"Just to play devil's advocate for a minute... to be realistic, when you tell a lot of guys who haven't previously been married or aren't older than 30/35 that you have a kid, they're gonna bolt. It sucks, I know, but it's kind of true, isn't it?" I don't think this is true AT ALL! I'm usually more shocked at how much men don't care that you have a kid or 4 or 5. I've seen so many women with children get men left and right. I think many men aren't as hung up on kids as women are. Guys are usually like, as long as they like the woman they don't really care too much. This is just what I've seen A LOT.
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