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You Asked: How Do I Tell Him I'm Still a Virgin?

You Asked: How Do I Tell Him I'm Still a Virgin?

Dear Sugar,

I am currently romantically involved with a much older man. I am 18-years-old and he is almost 31. It may seem like a large gap, but we honestly have so much in common and I've never been happier. The problem is that I'm still a virgin, and he's had three serious relationships that I know of. I told him I wasn't ready for sex, but I never told him that I'm actually a virgin. He's respected my wishes, but lately he's been putting more pressure on me. I feel like I'm ready for the next step, but I'm not sure how to take it. How do I tell him my situation without scaring him away?

— Young But Ready Debbie

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Young But Ready Debbie,

That certainly is a significant age difference, but it sounds like you've made your decision to be honest with him, and I think that's always a good move. I'm glad to hear that he's been respectful of your desire to wait, but don't feel that you have to give into any pressure now that he's more eager. Deciding to have sex just to please him is not a recipe for a good relationship; however, if you're truly ready, owning up to your secret is imperative.

Depending on how well you know each other, it's possible that he's already guessed that you're a virgin so talking with him may not be as difficult as you think. You have nothing to be ashamed of so I would just be very direct with him. If he does get scared, it will reveal a lot about your relationship, namely that he's not comfortable dating someone who is on such a different level from him. On the other hand, your virginity might be a major turn on for him, which is also worrisome — you don't want him to date you just so he can pop your cherry.

If he's anything but supportive after you have a heart to heart, I would start considering the implications of your age difference. If he's willing to take things slow and you feel like he's respecting your needs, try not to worry so much about his reaction and focus more on how you feel. Good luck, and remember to use protection.

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BeautyXRush BeautyXRush 8 years
I agree, if a guy is pressuring you for sex then he's not a good guy. The age gap tells me that also. No offense. Men who date really young women do it for the sex.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 8 years
I think it depends on how you define "pressure". Do you consider kissing and moving further to be pressuring you, or is he vocalizing his needs and saying you need to make a decision? I think you need to tell him no matter what. He needs to know so that he can act accordingly. Most importantly, I think that if you can't tell him you're a virgin, you aren't ready to have sex. At least not with him.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 8 years
I think it depends on how you define "pressure". Do you consider kissing and moving further to be pressuring you, or is he vocalizing his needs and saying you need to make a decision?I think you need to tell him no matter what. He needs to know so that he can act accordingly. Most importantly, I think that if you can't tell him you're a virgin, you aren't ready to have sex. At least not with him.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
To echo others, honestly, this sounds suspect. You're so young! No one should pressure you, for 1 and for 2, I do have to question someone in their 30s who is interested in a teenage girl. I know you feel old and mature, but just please, be careful. From my standpoint, a guy who is interested in such younger girls (just barely legal!) is a bit pervy. All I'm saying is that I've seen similar situations not turn out well. I also agree on the communication issue - your communication level should be comfortable and easy before you think about having sex. Which is to say, you should be comfortable telling him that you're a virgin. If you do decide to go ahead and have sex with him, please please have him get tested. You can even offer to have your blood drawn too if he wants to. If he refuses to get tested, DO NOT sleep with him. That is a huge warning sign of just so many things. Good luck. And please don't worry about being a virgin. I think it's great that you still are - you should wait for the right person.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
To echo others, honestly, this sounds suspect. You're so young! No one should pressure you, for 1 and for 2, I do have to question someone in their 30s who is interested in a teenage girl. I know you feel old and mature, but just please, be careful. From my standpoint, a guy who is interested in such younger girls (just barely legal!) is a bit pervy. All I'm saying is that I've seen similar situations not turn out well. I also agree on the communication issue - your communication level should be comfortable and easy before you think about having sex. Which is to say, you should be comfortable telling him that you're a virgin. If you do decide to go ahead and have sex with him, please please have him get tested. You can even offer to have your blood drawn too if he wants to. If he refuses to get tested, DO NOT sleep with him. That is a huge warning sign of just so many things. Good luck. And please don't worry about being a virgin. I think it's great that you still are - you should wait for the right person.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
If you are mature enough to be in a relationship than be mature enough to tell this man that you "love" that you arent ready, and that you are waiting. grow up.
ThePerfectScore ThePerfectScore 8 years
Just tell him... The guy I lost my virginity to was 7 years older than me... way experienced..... I meet him when I was 18 and I flat out told him I was a virgin and wasn't ready and was in no rush to lose it... at first he played the I'm gona love to take'n ur virginity.... then when I felt pressured I flat out told him I wasn't that type of girl.... we had a long discussion and I told him I was aware that he is sexually active and its not fair for me to expect him just to stop having sex, so he would have to choose which was more important and I would understand. But in the end he was patient and cared more about me than the act of sex... which i love him for...
Marci Marci 8 years
Just tell him. And also tell him that you're not ready to change that at the moment. Do not allow anyone to pressure you into that.
michelleannette michelleannette 8 years
be honest. if he finds out later, it might freak him out. i am going to be open and say that you should really think about this. you guys are terribly far apart in age. he's probably getting to the point where he's thinking marriage and settling down (sorry, just speculation) and you may not be ready for that (at 18, i doubt anyone is really ready for that) again to clarify, i'm speculating. be careful...and if it's what you want to do. have fun with it...don't start daydreaming about white picket fences.
michelleannette michelleannette 8 years
be honest. if he finds out later, it might freak him out.i am going to be open and say that you should really think about this. you guys are terribly far apart in age. he's probably getting to the point where he's thinking marriage and settling down (sorry, just speculation) and you may not be ready for that (at 18, i doubt anyone is really ready for that) again to clarify, i'm speculating. be careful...and if it's what you want to do. have fun with it...don't start daydreaming about white picket fences.
Nanna-Babee Nanna-Babee 8 years
Why is being a virgin so bad? Just tell him the truth. If he freaks on you, then that's your answer -move on.
kissmesteph kissmesteph 8 years
Just be straight with him and tell him when the time is right. I was a virgin until I was 22, and my bf at the time was definitely more experienced than I was. I don't even remember how I told him, but I was just upfront and honest about it. It didn't bother him at all. Really, any guy who cares about/loves you won't care one way or the other, so don't be scared!
lemassabielle lemassabielle 8 years
Oh yeah, he probably already knows that you're a virgin since you haven't had sex with him yet. It's part of the thrill of the chase for him. If you aren't even willing to open up to him about that it really clues me in on how honest your relationship really is... I just hope you aren't expecting this relationship to really go anywhere because the probability of that happening is very low. Older men usually just want a quick fling with a younger woman, then they move on to someone more at their level.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 8 years
Oh yeah, he probably already knows that you're a virgin since you haven't had sex with him yet. It's part of the thrill of the chase for him. If you aren't even willing to open up to him about that it really clues me in on how honest your relationship really is...I just hope you aren't expecting this relationship to really go anywhere because the probability of that happening is very low. Older men usually just want a quick fling with a younger woman, then they move on to someone more at their level.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 8 years
I dated a 28 year old when I was 17 years old and really thought I was prepared. We had the most amazing connection and talked for a year previous to me turning eighteen. He was my everything and although everyone warned me numerous times about how the age gap would make a different -- I didn't believe them. I was set in dating the man and I won't even preach to you because I know where your mindset is. It turned out that he just wanted me for sex and I just wasn't ready to give it up. I found out he went to another girl on the side because she was willing to have sex. He turned into this horrible person as soon as he found out he wasn't going to get anything from me and it really opened my eyes to how disillusioned I was. So we obviously broke up and I can say that no matter how great the relationship was in the beginning it wasn't worth it to continue. I just wasn't ready to have sex and he didn't respect me and kept pushing me. Anyway, months passed and I went through other relationships to really get perspective on what I want out of a guy. I turned eighteen and found the most amazing guy in the world. He was two years older than me and it's not as alluring as being with a mature, older man but we had such amazing chemistry. I can't even picture if I stayed with the other guy and lost my virginity to him. I would seriously be missing out. If you want to continue with this relationship and really have a gut feeling that it's right (Even though I also had a gut feeling...) I would say to NOT have sex with him for a little while longer and really get a read on the type of guy he is...
lemassabielle lemassabielle 8 years
I dated a 28 year old when I was 17 years old and really thought I was prepared. We had the most amazing connection and talked for a year previous to me turning eighteen. He was my everything and although everyone warned me numerous times about how the age gap would make a different -- I didn't believe them. I was set in dating the man and I won't even preach to you because I know where your mindset is. It turned out that he just wanted me for sex and I just wasn't ready to give it up. I found out he went to another girl on the side because she was willing to have sex. He turned into this horrible person as soon as he found out he wasn't going to get anything from me and it really opened my eyes to how disillusioned I was. So we obviously broke up and I can say that no matter how great the relationship was in the beginning it wasn't worth it to continue. I just wasn't ready to have sex and he didn't respect me and kept pushing me. Anyway, months passed and I went through other relationships to really get perspective on what I want out of a guy. I turned eighteen and found the most amazing guy in the world. He was two years older than me and it's not as alluring as being with a mature, older man but we had such amazing chemistry. I can't even picture if I stayed with the other guy and lost my virginity to him. I would seriously be missing out. If you want to continue with this relationship and really have a gut feeling that it's right (Even though I also had a gut feeling...) I would say to NOT have sex with him for a little while longer and really get a read on the type of guy he is...
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
you should ask him if he's ever devirginized a girl before. i really don't see how that can be enjoyable for a guy. certainly wasnt fun for me!
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
you should ask him if he's ever devirginized a girl before. i really don't see how that can be enjoyable for a guy. certainly wasnt fun for me!
megw06 megw06 8 years
Hayden? Is that you?
megw06 megw06 8 years
Hayden? Is that you?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
If you don't feel comfortable enough with this guy to tell him you're a virgin, then in my opinion, you shouldn't be sleeping with him. Wait until you feel comfortable enough with this guy to open up to him, and if that never happens, it's a bad sign. It means that, connection or not, you are afraid of screwing it up, so afraid that you can't be honest, and that's a sign of an unhealthy and imbalanced relationship.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
If you don't feel comfortable enough with this guy to tell him you're a virgin, then in my opinion, you shouldn't be sleeping with him. Wait until you feel comfortable enough with this guy to open up to him, and if that never happens, it's a bad sign. It means that, connection or not, you are afraid of screwing it up, so afraid that you can't be honest, and that's a sign of an unhealthy and imbalanced relationship.
alltherage alltherage 8 years
just tell him. if he acts wierd about it --- its his problem not yours.
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 8 years
Just tell him. He's older he'll understand. He may get a huge grin and even like the fact. He'll school you..... if you want him to.. I'm sure. If you do tell him he may lay off pressuring you.
Bookish Bookish 8 years
You're 18, and a guy 13 years older than you is putting even more pressure than usual on you for sex? I might be the only one, but that seems kind of off to me. A guy who is worth it won't be pressuring you like that. If you decide to go for it, just do it- be honest and tell him you're a virgin.
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