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You Asked: I Can't Accept My Boyfriend's Female Friend

You Asked: I Can't Accept My Boyfriend's Female Friend

Dear Sugar,

I'm so incredibly jealous of one of my boyfriend's female friends, and I want to know how I can stop feeling this way. I'm not worried my boyfriend would ever do anything inappropriate, I know he only has eyes for me, I just get really angry and hurt inside when I know they're hanging out. Due to the way my life is right now, I'm lucky if I get to spend an afternoon with my boyfriend once every two weeks! She, on the other hand, gets to see him whenever she wants, multiple times a week, on fun outings like dinners, late-night coffee runs, movies, concerts — all the things I wish I could do with him but can't for the next few months. I would never tell my boyfriend to stop seeing her because he is trustworthy and should be free to spend time with his friends but it's eating me up inside knowing that I can't be a part of those fun times, and she can. I know it's not the friend's fault and it's not my boyfriend's fault, but I still feel rejected, jealous, and lonely. How can I make myself feel better about how bad this situation is? — Left Out Lani

To see DearSugar's answer,

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Dear Left Out Lani,

I'm not sure what's going on in your life that's taking up so much of your time, but from what you're telling me, it sounds like your boyfriend is carrying on a relationship with someone else! They are doing everything a couple would do, so I completely understand why you're upset. Since asking them to stop hanging out isn't an option for you, it's imperative that you voice your feelings to him as soon as possible — he might not even know how you're feeling.

Since your busy schedule sounds temporary, keep your eye on the prize and know that you'll be spending time with your boyfriend and doing all the things you've been missing out on sooner than later. In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriend — I'm sure he'd feel the exact same way if the roles were reversed. But just because you can't spend long afternoons together, Lani, it doesn't mean you can't make the time you are together special. Try to spend the nights together so you can cuddle and feel connected again, ask him to meet you for coffee when you have breaks, and rev up the amount you text or talk on the phone. I'm sure just knowing that he's thinking about you will make things better until your schedule frees up. I hope this helps!

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Two is company and three's a crowd. A girlfriend huh? Sounds like she's not interested in being friends with you huh? Does she call you to ask how your feeling or see if it's OK they go out? Practice saying over and over, He's mine, hands off b$#@&!" Having good times with her while you deal with a family problem? Look at the bottom line and see whats written there. A friend is a girlfriend. Same thing. That's why it's making you feel sad. Late night movies, dinners and coffee runs? Must be nice for her, huh? Where's her boyfriend? Oh that's right, there's no need for one while she's out with yours is there? You need to start thinking of ways to join in for coffee. Just the three of you. I'm sure as friends she wouldn't mind if you sat in his lap and made out at the table for an hour since it's been so long. Friends huh? No way I'd put up with that. Maybe when hell freezes over.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
I think that you need to tell him how much it upsets you that you are not spending as much time together as you want to, and that you are feeling jealous. Communicate your feelings with him, because it will bring you closer. If you don't feel comfortable telling him that are jealous, then at least tell him how much you miss him and think about him. I think that the way you feel is perfectly normal, and you need to be honest about it with your partner. I also understand that your family is important, but if you feel that your relationship with your bf is also important, then you need to start spending more time with him.
frenchie77 frenchie77 7 years
I honestly don't see it as a problem, if they really are best friends and have been for a long time. I did all these things (and more) with my good guy friends before I got married. If you're sure nothing inappropriate is going on, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Especially if they do all these activities along with other friends.
pixelhaze pixelhaze 7 years
Huh, I don't think it's inappropriate at all. I have lots of guy friends and have dated guys who have girls as friends. To be honest I saw it as a plus, I liked that my guy was able to cultivate friendships with women because to me that meant that he respected women and did not just see them as sex objects. The idea that there ALWAYS has to be something between members of the opposite sex implies that the only relationships we can have are sexual ones, so then what's the point of looking at someone's personality or anything else? She said herself she is not worried about anything inappropriate going on. And especially now that the poster clarified a bit I think her "jealousy" is not real, not to bore you with the psychobabble but it seems like a defense mechanism of sorts. Like complaining about having to help with the family would be awful and not allowed, so instead it manifests itself as jealousy of the girl who gets to live the life she wants. Hey that kind of stress and pressure is hard to deal with, even if you know you're doing the right thing! She needs to acknowledge her feelings and maybe even talk to a counselor, as someone suggested. Oh and talk to the guy too, about what's really bothering her, that is.
karlorene karlorene 7 years
i think it's very natural to feel jealousy over this... you need to tell him that yes, he is of course allowed to have his own friendships in a relationship, but how would he feel if u were constantly going on dates/ "fun nights" w/ a guy friend he wasn't close too?
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 7 years
why the mean/rude comments? There is always a nice way to say somthing or get a point across. Stumbler, glad you are feeling better about the situwation. I think your feelings were a natural responce to what was happening. Best of luck to you.
stumbler02 stumbler02 7 years
thanks for the advice. oh and i know i am being a total brat for having these feelings--i won't argue with you there :D i've kind of gotten over it since i submitted this question, though. put my big girl panties on and accepted my situation for what it is. i love my family anyway--i think i can deal with having no social life for my parents' sake. lord knows they've done the same for me!
samischo samischo 7 years
"Here I go, I'm going to be Tyra" ....hahahaha yea i have no good advice but that was really funny
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 7 years
i think its natural that ur feeling a little jealous. now the fact that ur positive theres no cheating going on is a little comforting, hopefully on good grounds. i think even if his mom was seeing more of him than u, ud feel jealous, not because of insecurity, but the loss of connection ur having, and the possibility of him having a deeper connection with someone else other than u. and the fact that shes a girl [friend] doesnt make it any easier. im sorry ur family's having a hard time, but u definitely need to make more time to be with him. good luck
lolliriots lolliriots 7 years
Wow, some comments on here are really disguisting! OP/Stumbler - What you feel is perfectly normal. Is there a way to put off these thoughts? Yes and no. You can, in theory. But, will it go away? No. The best you can do, is just mention it. If he loves you, he will understand. When you mention this, you should mention you just realize how much you truly wish you could be that one. Maybe he could come help you? I'm sure if he's this great guy, he'd love to get close to your family, and in turn, be with you (no matter the situation!) I know how you feel, in a somewhat way. (Here I go, I'm going to be Tyra) My boyfriend has a female friend he talks to over the phone. She calls him when it's benefitical for her (because she apparently lives with a crazy ex.) and they talk either every morning or every evening, or night. Not sure how much - it could be all of the above. It hurts, and I mock her (only because she's doing it for attention) because he once had a huge crush on her, and in ways I think she's trying to tempt him. Though, I wouldn't recommend doing the same. =) That's how I deal with it, personally, lol.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 7 years
lol @ Berlin
julieulie julieulie 7 years
Hey Stumbler- Have you thought about talking to a therapist about any of this? If you're in college or graduate school, most have some sort of counseling center where you can make an appointment for a few visits, generally for very little money. I do NOt think you sound like a "whiny little brat" like someone suggested -- you are taking total responsibility for all your emotions here, but it does sound like you could really use someone to talk to about them, and seek a way to deal with everything. A therapist can help teach you how to deal with your feelings of jealous and frustration. I've been on both sides of the equation. My own best friend in the world is a guy -- and my husband, who was busy and never around during medical school while we were dating, had to deal with the fact that most of the things couples generally do, I did with my best friend instead of with him. Luckily, my husband always trusted me, and frequently when he had time, the three of us would go out together. Over time, my husband wound up becoming good friends with my best friend, and he even asked him to be an usher in our wedding. Perhaps if you spent more time with your boyfriend's friend you would start to think of her as your friend too -- it won't solve the jealously dilemma that she is spending more time with him than you are, but it is always easier when you think of her as YOUR friend as well. On the other side of the spectrum, when we were dating, my husband had two very close female friends that he spend a lot of time with, and occasionally lied to me about spending time with them because he thought I might get jealous. Make sure your boyfriend knows that honesty is always the best policy (though it sounds like he already has this down!) This is really something that you should deal with sooner rather than later, though, because feelings that you describe of "jealousy, frustration, and bitterness" will only get worse in the future -- and if just talking to someone for an hour every other week can help, it will be an investment that is well worth it if it can help improve your relationship and your peace of mind. Don't let your unhappiness continue to bottle up!
gidigirl gidigirl 7 years
You trust your boyfriend and are absolutely certain that he is not/ would not cheat on you.. So BASICALLY You are whining about your family commitments?
Berlin Berlin 7 years
Oh man! You sound like some whiny little brat! Grow up!
zabrow zabrow 7 years
would it be possible for your boyfriend to come with you to help your family out from time to time? that way you get to spend some more time with him & they get the added help? i don't know the specifics of the family situation, so maybe that's not possible, though. as far as trying to deal with the jealousy & bitterness when he goes out all the time without you, maybe that stems from the fact that he's going out & having fun while you're dealing with a really difficult situation at home.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
Stumbler02, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. But know that your feelings of jealousy and etc. are perfectly natural and justified. Don't feel that it's all your fault, and don't keep it inside. Make sure your boyfriend knows how uncomfortable you are with this: it's one thing to know he needs a social life, and another to know that he is always spending time with this one specific female, to the detriment of YOUR happiness. In my opinion, if he's a keeper, then knowing that you're unhappy about this will motivate him to find a way to make you more comfortable somehow. Maybe by spending less alone time with that girl (who, if she is a good friend to him, will also understand) or something else that will make their friendship easier to live with. If he's not willing to compromise even a little of that for the health of your relationship and state of mind, I wouldn't be impressed with him at all.
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
Um, I'd be pissed too. IMO a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship should involve more time than you are getting with him (unless you are long-distance) and I think it's inappropriate for a man in a serious relationship to be spending that much time with a single girlfriend.
stumbler02 stumbler02 7 years
Not sure if it's OK to do this but I'd like to clarify my situation...my family is going through some tough times right now, so for the next couple months I'm obligated to spend my time helping out my parents at home, in addition to working full-time, which makes it very very hard to get away and spend time with my boyfriend. I really agree with some people who have posted here saying my boyfriend needs his own social time even if I'm not getting any of my own. I absolutely will not tell my boyfriend to stop hanging out with this girl or any other friend of his, because there's no danger of him cheating. His choices are not the problem here. The problem I have is with myself. I need help dealing with my own thoughts of jealousy, frustration, and bitterness, which are really the consequence of my own tough situation and have nothing to do with his life.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
*I'm not saying that's what he's thinking or doing, just that that's how it sounds like things are working out. It's an odd situation.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
Are you sure he thinks of her as just a friend? Because if they're going out alone together a lot--which is how I read the post--it sounds like things are set up so that the friend is the one he's really dating, and the OP is the one on the side.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
I think the key point here is that the poster is not available. Period. To ask him to not spend more time with someone else - even a guy friend - is asking him to not have a life. As for suggesting he spend some time alone - maybe he does! We don't know his nightly schedule. Sorry but I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to live in a hole just because I was. I'm not saying that she shouldn't be insecure or jealous - it's normal to be in this situation. If he were choosing this friend over the OP it would be really weird. Anyway, it's clear that the OP trusts this guy. I think she's just jealous that she can't spend time with him right now. And no offense, but whatever the OP is doing to keep her so busy is _probably_ her choice right? I mean, whatever it is is more important than her relationship, and that's not without consequences!
luckyme luckyme 7 years
I'm not sure why that posted twice. Sorry about that.
luckyme luckyme 7 years
Seriously chatondeneige? I don't really consider myself insecure, but if my husband was spending this much time with someone other than me, especially if that person was a she, I would feel pretty sh!tty. If that makes me insecure, then so be it. I would also argue that maybe HE is the insecure one. Why can't he spend some time alone? Does he have to have constant companionship when his girlfriend isn't around? Late night coffee runs? Umm, how about you read a book or watch a movie? To the OP - The Enchanted One gave you really good advice. She put it very well. I have been through something like this also. I was busy with school and work and my husband had graduated and had more free time. He was hanging out with his friends quite often. It made me feel like I was missing something, especially when they would all talk about it together. And personally, I find it inappropriate when someone you are with spends more time with someone else. I know my husband would have a problem with me hanging out with some guy friend all the time while he's at work. I think he would even find it weird if my best girl friend was with me constantly. And I feel the same way.
luckyme luckyme 7 years
Seriously chatondeneige? I don't really consider myself insecure, but if my husband was spending this much time with someone other than me, especially if that person was a she, I would feel pretty sh!tty. If that makes me insecure, then so be it. I would also argue that maybe HE is the insecure one. Why can't he spend some time alone? Does he have to have constant companionship when his girlfriend isn't around? Late night coffee runs? Umm, how about you read a book or watch a movie? To the OP - The Enchanted One gave you really good advice. She put it very well. I have been through something like this also. I was busy with school and work and my husband had graduated and had more free time. He was hanging out with his friends quite often. It made me feel like I was missing something, especially when they would all talk about it together. And personally, I find it inappropriate when someone you are with spends more time with someone else. I know my husband would have a problem with me hanging out with some guy friend all the time while he's at work. I think he would even find it weird if my best girl friend was with me constantly. And I feel the same way.
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