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You Asked: I Can't Accept That We've Broken Up

You Asked: I Can't Accept That We've Broken Up

Dear Sugar,

I am one of your male readers and have been having a problem for a while now and need some help. About five months ago my (now ex) girlfriend and I broke up. It was initiated by me after a fight when I said that I needed some time alone to think. She was angry that I wanted time away, and so we broke up. The two months prior to that her jealousy had really driven us apart — she was constantly insecure about my female friends.

A month and a half passed and we started talking about the prospect of getting back together, but out of nowhere, something changed and she became cold towards me. She said that she didn't see a future with me, especially since she was moving away for grad school soon — she wants to try her hand at being single. I attempted to get her back to no avail.

It's now five months after our initial breakup and she is seeing someone else. I know it's not serious, but if she loved me like I loved her, how is it possible for her to be with someone else right now?I have pretty much accepted the fact that the relationship is not easily feasible given we would be in different states, but I still love her more than anything and I constantly think about her day and night. How do I convince her that we're meant to be?

— Desperate Dave

To see DearSugar's answer,

.

Dear Desperate Dave,

Breakups are always painful, and even under the best of circumstances, they can take a lot of time to recover from. It's normal to get lost in all the emotions and longing for what you had with your significant other, but as hard as it is to accept, much of that longing is based on an idealistic notion of your relationship and your ex. There's a reason you initiated a break from her, and it's not because things were going perfectly. While it's easy to get hung up on the loss you're feeling, it's time to start thinking rationally. You tried to get your ex back and she chose not to. Now she's seeing someone else and is about to move away. Unfortunately, I think her intentions towards you are clear. Instead of focusing all your energy on trying to woo her back, it's time to start letting go so you can move on with your life; you may be surprised who you meet along the way.

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LittleHardCandy LittleHardCandy 8 years
I don't want to sound like the crabby chick, or the ball buster girlfriend, who'll knock the guy out for hitting her. But I too had that same thing going on, his 'CHICK FRIENDS' well if I am put on the back burner for them, then hell yeah, I may have a problem. Some of them even though it was ay to walk around naked in his apartment, but they are just friends right!. People do get jealous, and yes some more than others, but many need reasons. NOT wanting to fix the problems, with what ever she was uncomfortable with, told her, shes at the bottom of the list. Everyone want to talk about her jealousy problems, but are you telling us the whole story. I am sure you might or could have understood how she felt, if the shoe were on the other foot, instead of trying to cover your man hood. There is nothing wrong with having chickfriends,,,but there is a line, that shouldn't never be crossed. Even standing close to that line, may make one think. you're wanting or wishing to cross it.
LittleHardCandy LittleHardCandy 8 years
I don't want to sound like the crabby chick, or the ball buster girlfriend, who'll knock the guy out for hitting her. But I too had that same thing going on, his 'CHICK FRIENDS' well if I am put on the back burner for them, then hell yeah, I may have a problem. Some of them even though it was ay to walk around naked in his apartment, but they are just friends right!. People do get jealous, and yes some more than others, but many need reasons. NOT wanting to fix the problems, with what ever she was uncomfortable with, told her, shes at the bottom of the list. Everyone want to talk about her jealousy problems, but are you telling us the whole story. I am sure you might or could have understood how she felt, if the shoe were on the other foot, instead of trying to cover your man hood. There is nothing wrong with having chickfriends,,,but there is a line, that shouldn't never be crossed. Even standing close to that line, may make one think. you're wanting or wishing to cross it.
reeeeka reeeeka 8 years
I was/am in a similar situation. I was with mine for 6 years and I broke it off but honestly thought we'd get back together...I just needed time. By the time I was wanting him back I got the cold shoulder...come to find out he had slept with someone and had moved on during this time. It's taken alot out of me to go forward! Up until a few weeks ago I was practically begging to get back together. What I realized is he doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to force anyone who doesn't want to be with me into something they don't want. It wouldn't be a great relationship to be in...I want someone who wants me and appreciates me equally. I honestly had to cut all ties with him to move forward. I think you should do the same. If it's meant to be it'll be...but she's moved on for the time being. No use in you dwelling on it, pining after her and being miserable...be proactive! Go out with friends, be around your family and keep yourself busy. It's the only way! Oh and find someone that you take an interest in...that helps too lol.
reeeeka reeeeka 8 years
I was/am in a similar situation. I was with mine for 6 years and I broke it off but honestly thought we'd get back together...I just needed time. By the time I was wanting him back I got the cold shoulder...come to find out he had slept with someone and had moved on during this time. It's taken alot out of me to go forward! Up until a few weeks ago I was practically begging to get back together. What I realized is he doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to force anyone who doesn't want to be with me into something they don't want. It wouldn't be a great relationship to be in...I want someone who wants me and appreciates me equally. I honestly had to cut all ties with him to move forward. I think you should do the same. If it's meant to be it'll be...but she's moved on for the time being. No use in you dwelling on it, pining after her and being miserable...be proactive! Go out with friends, be around your family and keep yourself busy. It's the only way! Oh and find someone that you take an interest in...that helps too lol.
austerity austerity 8 years
aww, poor guy :)Here's a rather different take on this. If your ex-girlfriend is anything like me (and I am also a tad jealous), she enjoys to make the one she loves groveling for her forever and then taking him back passionately after she feels he has suffered enough. It's like, because you are the one who initiated 'some time off', she felt hurt and felt it gave her the right to act cold and make you suffer, by the rules of the game of love. But in her own way, she might love you very deeply. On the other hand, maybe she is not worth it...but you sound like you really love her. Now that some time has passed, approach her again delicately through a few letters or calls, and try to show her one last time, that you really, really want her back. You might regret years later for not trying. And if it doesn't work out...hey, you gave it that one last shot and that's worth it if you're in love.
austerity austerity 8 years
aww, poor guy :)Here's a rather different take on this. If your ex-girlfriend is anything like me (and I am also a tad jealous), she enjoys to make the one she loves groveling for her forever and then taking him back passionately after she feels he has suffered enough. It's like, because you are the one who initiated 'some time off', she felt hurt and felt it gave her the right to act cold and make you suffer, by the rules of the game of love. But in her own way, she might love you very deeply. On the other hand, maybe she is not worth it...but you sound like you really love her. Now that some time has passed, approach her again delicately through a few letters or calls, and try to show her one last time, that you really, really want her back. You might regret years later for not trying. And if it doesn't work out...hey, you gave it that one last shot and that's worth it if you're in love.
mortar31 mortar31 8 years
Wow Dave I feel like you are living my life! I went to a very similar break up as you and suppressing the feeling will only make it come back stronger. I care about my ex too and wish that we still spoke since we were once close, however sometimes you cannot maintain that relationship with them. Just offer your friendship and do that same thing your ex is doing: move on. You were an individual before you started dating her and you grew with the relationship - now take your growth and live on. Everyone here is right, eventually what is meant to be will happen and just let the future take its turn. Take this time to discover/rediscover who the real you is. Do not suppress your feelings by going out and trying to move on, use this time to meditate to better yourself. I will leave you with the advice my boys gave me: - Do not hate her because she probably still cares about you - Hit the gym or course, whatever it is you liked doing - Start a new hobby - Wish well for your ex and hope that she remains as happy as you want to keep her
mortar31 mortar31 8 years
Wow Dave I feel like you are living my life! I went to a very similar break up as you and suppressing the feeling will only make it come back stronger. I care about my ex too and wish that we still spoke since we were once close, however sometimes you cannot maintain that relationship with them. Just offer your friendship and do that same thing your ex is doing: move on. You were an individual before you started dating her and you grew with the relationship - now take your growth and live on. Everyone here is right, eventually what is meant to be will happen and just let the future take its turn. Take this time to discover/rediscover who the real you is. Do not suppress your feelings by going out and trying to move on, use this time to meditate to better yourself. I will leave you with the advice my boys gave me:- Do not hate her because she probably still cares about you- Hit the gym or course, whatever it is you liked doing- Start a new hobby- Wish well for your ex and hope that she remains as happy as you want to keep her
RaCheer RaCheer 8 years
Maybe she has used that time to think too and she doesn't think ya'll are meant to be. If she did she would have gotten back together with you.
Marni7 Marni7 8 years
Great advice Clarby!
Marni7 Marni7 8 years
Great advice Clarby!
Clarby Clarby 8 years
Jinx, As much as you may care about your ex, and it's great that you do. It's not your responsibility to. I like being friends with my ex's because at one time we cared for each other. However I've found it very rare to be able to do so soon after. A year is a long time for someone to not move on. I suggest ceasing communication with them. If they constantly have access to you or are around you then they believe there is a chance. And they need to believe there is no chance for the time being. Then they will focus on getting their life together and in the process get over you. I wish break ups were easier, I think we all do. Rarely is it you dislike the person you are dating, it is they are not right and that hurts. But until they are over you being friends or being involved in one another's life is extremely complicated and can do more damage than good at the beginning. Did I got in a circle? Do I at least get the square?
Clarby Clarby 8 years
Jinx,As much as you may care about your ex, and it's great that you do. It's not your responsibility to. I like being friends with my ex's because at one time we cared for each other. However I've found it very rare to be able to do so soon after. A year is a long time for someone to not move on. I suggest ceasing communication with them. If they constantly have access to you or are around you then they believe there is a chance. And they need to believe there is no chance for the time being. Then they will focus on getting their life together and in the process get over you.I wish break ups were easier, I think we all do. Rarely is it you dislike the person you are dating, it is they are not right and that hurts. But until they are over you being friends or being involved in one another's life is extremely complicated and can do more damage than good at the beginning. Did I got in a circle? Do I at least get the square?
Jinx Jinx 8 years
On the same note, but opposite problem.....How do you get your ex to move on? It has been almost a year now.
Jinx Jinx 8 years
On the same note, but opposite problem..... How do you get your ex to move on? It has been almost a year now.
nattylite nattylite 8 years
Dave-I can also sympathize as can prob 97% of the popl'n as love is something that comes very easy even in situations where it was not meant to be. My break up with my ex was so hard for me. We dated for 3 years but basically spent the whole last year "breaking up". We fought all the time but the idea of us not being together and even moving on made us both sick. Even after a few months it was so hard and the pain was very real. A year later now I find that I have grown and come to understand the pain of breaking up with a person. You have to grieve the loss of your girlfriend the same way you grieve the death of someone very close to you. Some of the feelings may never go away however you HAVE to understand that this pain is part of life. It's one of those things you simply can't try to fix. No to sound morbid but this life we live is chock full of pain and suffering but then right when you think things can't be any worse something or someone new suddenly appears into your and turns over a new chapter in your life. By dwelling on the past your preventing yourself from moving on. If you don't move on then you're shutting yourself off from other people who want to get to know you and you never know when the next RIGHT girl will come into your life. Try to challenge yourself to be single and understand why it's good to be out of relationship. No matter what age you are everyday and every year brings new lessons and challenges. Learn a little more about you and what things you want in a future relationship. By just living your life one day at a time and enjoying being you you are BOUND to attract someone who loves you for you. Given all that, if at any time you feel the pain is unbearable, you can remind yourself (as my dad has always done for me in tough situations ) NO PAIN NO GAIN! it's life. things hurt but if your strong you will learn from it and move on to bigger and better things!
nattylite nattylite 8 years
Dave- I can also sympathize as can prob 97% of the popl'n as love is something that comes very easy even in situations where it was not meant to be. My break up with my ex was so hard for me. We dated for 3 years but basically spent the whole last year "breaking up". We fought all the time but the idea of us not being together and even moving on made us both sick. Even after a few months it was so hard and the pain was very real. A year later now I find that I have grown and come to understand the pain of breaking up with a person. You have to grieve the loss of your girlfriend the same way you grieve the death of someone very close to you. Some of the feelings may never go away however you HAVE to understand that this pain is part of life. It's one of those things you simply can't try to fix. No to sound morbid but this life we live is chock full of pain and suffering but then right when you think things can't be any worse something or someone new suddenly appears into your and turns over a new chapter in your life. By dwelling on the past your preventing yourself from moving on. If you don't move on then you're shutting yourself off from other people who want to get to know you and you never know when the next RIGHT girl will come into your life. Try to challenge yourself to be single and understand why it's good to be out of relationship. No matter what age you are everyday and every year brings new lessons and challenges. Learn a little more about you and what things you want in a future relationship. By just living your life one day at a time and enjoying being you you are BOUND to attract someone who loves you for you. Given all that, if at any time you feel the pain is unbearable, you can remind yourself (as my dad has always done for me in tough situations ) NO PAIN NO GAIN! it's life. things hurt but if your strong you will learn from it and move on to bigger and better things!
MoMicki MoMicki 8 years
Dave - I know what you are going through - Clarby said it right move on. Me and my highschool boyfriend of 4 years broke up. Its been 6 years, we have have been back together for 1. We both needed time and space to do other things, meet other people and both had a child with someone else as well. Living 2 different lives but remaining friends allowed us to be sure that the only person in the world for us was each other. It was a long hard road but now we are more committed to each other than ever. Doing other things besides moping over her will give you the opportunity to think about what you want and need. If it was meant to be then it will be - if not GOD will send the real love of your life to you - but you won't know it if your head is all messed up becuase of your ex.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
Simple...the reason she went cold is because she found someone else. That guy is "serious" enough for her to leave you hanging. You might have just saved yourself a lot of trouble. She doesn't sound like the kind of girl you wanna keep....jealous, untrusting, fickle...
Marni7 Marni7 8 years
Breakups are hard!...but a part of life. You have to take what you can from the situation, learn from it and let go. There is only so much you can do and in the end you really cant make someone see what they dont want to see right now..focus your energy on yourself, in the end, if you really are meant to be, she will realize it on her own..trust me.
geebers geebers 8 years
Great advice Clarby and Tidal - break-ups are always tough and right now you are just feeling lonely and sad. I bet you are focusing only on the good times and ignoring the bad right? Well don't. Remember that she was not perfect and you were obviously unhappy enough to break-up with her at one time.
Clarby Clarby 8 years
Great point tidalwave! That is another issue you will need to think about Dave. And the more you put your life back together the more you will realize that there is a woman out there who will treat you as your ex did and won't be jealous of your female friends. You may not believe it but there is. If you can say that you didn't like something about someone and it is a big deal, then I believe that person is not the one, no matter how much you cared for them. You would be settling if that were the case. There are billions of people on this planet, how patient are you willing to be for the right one to enter your life?
Clarby Clarby 8 years
Dave,As another male reader I will share with you something. You cannot convince her that you are meant to be. It's a cold, harsh truth. You have suffered for five months and I know the pain you are feeling. But the only way to possibly get her back is to move on. Put your life, in every aspect back together. You needed time to think you said and that caused the initial rift. Well thinking and applying the thoughts are different things. Obviously she has determined that this new guy fills a void that you didn't. You have to let her live her life and you cannot let her dictate yours, which is what you are doing. Go out and do things you want to do. Remember the things that make you unique and who you are when she did care about you. But remember them for how they make you feel. Because those are the things that she fell in love with. And those are the things that make you special. By going out and moving on with your life you will not have as many nights wondering why and what if. And they will get less and less as days pass. She will never take you back/want you back if you do nothing but mope. Accept that for the time being at the very least there is no future with her in it. She has to want to come back into your life, so give her a reason. Go have fun, enjoy the time you have to yourself and get yourself happy with who you are and what you are. It is hard, I know, but it is the only way you might have a chance. And you must remember that you are doing this for you and not for her.Best of luck to you Determined Dave!
Clarby Clarby 8 years
Dave, As another male reader I will share with you something. You cannot convince her that you are meant to be. It's a cold, harsh truth. You have suffered for five months and I know the pain you are feeling. But the only way to possibly get her back is to move on. Put your life, in every aspect back together. You needed time to think you said and that caused the initial rift. Well thinking and applying the thoughts are different things. Obviously she has determined that this new guy fills a void that you didn't. You have to let her live her life and you cannot let her dictate yours, which is what you are doing. Go out and do things you want to do. Remember the things that make you unique and who you are when she did care about you. But remember them for how they make you feel. Because those are the things that she fell in love with. And those are the things that make you special. By going out and moving on with your life you will not have as many nights wondering why and what if. And they will get less and less as days pass. She will never take you back/want you back if you do nothing but mope. Accept that for the time being at the very least there is no future with her in it. She has to want to come back into your life, so give her a reason. Go have fun, enjoy the time you have to yourself and get yourself happy with who you are and what you are. It is hard, I know, but it is the only way you might have a chance. And you must remember that you are doing this for you and not for her. Best of luck to you Determined Dave!
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Are you forgetting all of her jealousy issues? If you two got back together are you sure that these would go away? Or are you saying to yourself, "I don't care about her insecurities, I just want her back..."
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