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You Asked: I Can't Control My Jealousy

You Asked: I Can't Control My Jealousy

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and the only problem we have is me — I cannot control my jealousy. I take every look or stare he gives another woman as a demerit to myself, leaving me wondering why I'm not good enough. I know a look is just a look, but I can't help but take it personally. I end up silently holding a grudge until he makes me upset about something unrelated, then I bring it up again. I know I am being stupid and ridiculous, not to mention causing problems in my relationship, but I don't know how to be all right with it. He used to be the one in my shoes, driving me crazy and getting mad over the smallest glance that I'd give to someone else, yet he doesn't seem to understand how I feel. Please tell me how to pull myself together. — Overprotective Onnalee

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Dear Overprotective Onnalee,

It sounds to me like your boyfriend planted some unhealthy fears into your head, which are now getting the best of you. All successful relationships should have a level of trust which outweighs any jealous tendencies, and it's pretty clear that you guys are lacking that variable. While some jealousy is perfectly normal in even the best relationships, picking your battles is crucial so it doesn't create too much bitterness or resentment.

Since you both bring a level of insecurity to the table, something tells me you, or both of you, have been cheated on in the past. Since he used to behave this way toward you, he has to understand how you feel, so have a heart-to-heart with him and talk it out in a calm setting, before a fight ensues. Holding a grudge and using past hurt feelings to prove a point will only create more distance, so if you can't get your jealousy under control on your own, I suggest talking to a therapist about it. As you know, being possessive and insecure can wreak havoc in any relationship, so hopefully you can gain a clear head and move on in your relationship.


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