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You Asked: I Kissed Someone Off Limits — Now What?

Dear Sugar,

I have a dilemma! I'm a college student, and one of my closest friends here has had a major crush on one of our mutual friends. Though she's liked him for two years, and though they've kissed once before, they're still just friends. Interestingly enough, I have also had a slight crush on him over the years, but nothing close to the intensity of her attraction. I just labeled him in the "off-limits" category because your friend's crushes can never be yours!

Well, the other night, I was dancing with him at a club, and he kissed me. I didn't pull back immediately, but I did stop the kiss ... eventually. Being one of the few friends here that she confides in about her feelings for him, I feel very guilty. To make matters worse, we all live in the same college residence and run into each other often. I haven't seen or spoken to him since (this happened about four days ago). Should I tell my friend what I did? Or should I live with my guilt knowing that telling her will only make her feel awful? — I Messed up Missy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear I Messed up Missy,

You're in college and these kinds of things happen, so try not to be too hard on yourself. With that said, it sounds as though you knew what you were getting yourself into when you went to the club with this guy. Since you have developed your own crush on him and didn't push off his advances immediately, I am led to believe that you enjoyed this kiss, so if I were you, I would talk to your girlfriend ASAP and lay the truth out on the table.

Is there a chance this guy has feelings for you too? Would you want to date him if he did, or do you think this kiss was merely a product of getting wrapped up in the moment? Either way, honesty is always the best policy so own up to your actions. Your girlfriend will no doubt be upset and feel slightly betrayed, but I am sure she will appreciate hearing the news from you versus hearing it through the grapevine. At the end of the day, they are only "friends," so she technically doesn't have rights to him, so if she's as good of a friend as you think she is, she will understand the situation and forgive you. Good luck!

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taratootie taratootie 8 years
Hey here girly!There are a couple things here that make me think ou care about your friend...1. You are owning up to what you did, even though you are not proud of it and2. You are concerned enough to ask for advice.That makes you a good friend in my category! Now what should you do? I say you tell her. If you really value and respect her as a person then you know, deep down, you have to tell her. Besides, the worst thing that could happed is that she could hear it from someone else, then she would be hella pissed. If you tell her yourself then she may only be mad for a few days. Now on to the telling...Just take her somewhere private and tell her you have to tell her something. Tell her that she wont like it, but you value her so much that you know she deserves to know the truth. She would tell you the truth and she deserves the same right? Just tell her the whole story and dont get too emotional about it... if you get frantic then she will too! Stay calm and take the brunt of what she will dish out. Then after she's done yelling or whatever tell her you still really value her as a friend and you understand why shes mad. Tell her to take all the time she needs and that you are very sorry and you stil love her! There, she'll be over it in a few days, I swear. Sorry that was a looong answer but I have been in a similar situation (your friends position) and my BFF handled it really well. I really respect her for owning up to me and I know I can trust her to always tell the truth too. After a few days she exlained that she knew Id be pissed, but friends dont lie. We are closer that ever now and we even make little jokes about it! Good luck babe! let us know ow it goes!
taratootie taratootie 8 years
Hey here girly! There are a couple things here that make me think ou care about your friend... 1. You are owning up to what you did, even though you are not proud of it and 2. You are concerned enough to ask for advice. That makes you a good friend in my category! Now what should you do? I say you tell her. If you really value and respect her as a person then you know, deep down, you have to tell her. Besides, the worst thing that could happed is that she could hear it from someone else, then she would be hella pissed. If you tell her yourself then she may only be mad for a few days. Now on to the telling... Just take her somewhere private and tell her you have to tell her something. Tell her that she wont like it, but you value her so much that you know she deserves to know the truth. She would tell you the truth and she deserves the same right? Just tell her the whole story and dont get too emotional about it... if you get frantic then she will too! Stay calm and take the brunt of what she will dish out. Then after she's done yelling or whatever tell her you still really value her as a friend and you understand why shes mad. Tell her to take all the time she needs and that you are very sorry and you stil love her! There, she'll be over it in a few days, I swear. Sorry that was a looong answer but I have been in a similar situation (your friends position) and my BFF handled it really well. I really respect her for owning up to me and I know I can trust her to always tell the truth too. After a few days she exlained that she knew Id be pissed, but friends dont lie. We are closer that ever now and we even make little jokes about it! Good luck babe! let us know ow it goes!
graceunderfire graceunderfire 8 years
Don't be hard on yourself. There's really no correlation between how your friend feels about him and what happened between you two since she hadn't made any affirmative steps toward him. Basically, both of you like him, so neither of you can have him?? You both lose out that way. Don't make it into a dramatic situation, explain the situation as calmly as you can to both, then deal with the situation.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
I think you owe it to your friend to tell her. She's liked this guy for 2 years and then her friend goes and kisses him? Sure her like of this guy for this long of a time is just stupid and irrational, but most of us have been there! Obviously the guy is not that into your friend. If you guys are all gonna hang out in the future I'm sure things are going to be weird, so just tell her and maybe she'll realize that her crush likes her friend and she will finally move on! She will be hurt at first but if she's a good friend she'll realize he's not hers anyways. I'd rather tell than be uncomfortable around my friend. She'll feel like a fool if she finds out later and from someone else because here she is telling you all about her secret crush and you've already kissed him!
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
I think you owe it to your friend to tell her. She's liked this guy for 2 years and then her friend goes and kisses him? Sure her like of this guy for this long of a time is just stupid and irrational, but most of us have been there! Obviously the guy is not that into your friend. If you guys are all gonna hang out in the future I'm sure things are going to be weird, so just tell her and maybe she'll realize that her crush likes her friend and she will finally move on! She will be hurt at first but if she's a good friend she'll realize he's not hers anyways. I'd rather tell than be uncomfortable around my friend. She'll feel like a fool if she finds out later and from someone else because here she is telling you all about her secret crush and you've already kissed him!
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
4 days ago? he's obviously over it (hasn't contacted you), you should be too.
page6lovers page6lovers 8 years
It depends on your friend. I've been on both sides of this scenario, and I told. My friend accused me of just trying to get rid of the guilt, but I sincerely thought she would want to know. A few months later I found out she had kissed the guy I liked and lied about it, and a year later I still can't completely trust her. So if your friend is the type of person who likes honesty, tell her. Chances are everything will blow over soon enough. Good luck.
ur_momm ur_momm 8 years
ok Karlotta, that all makes sense, i get where you are coming from, but her friend never dated the guy, she just had a crush on him and kissed him before. and she didnt have a fling with him, she just kissed him too(as far as i can tell atleast) it's not an ex. and she didnt sleep with him. i dont think this is something to lose a friendship over. if the circumstances were different, i would say to tell her. but this is something so small. i just say, if you think this will really upset her, why put her through it, it's not like she asked you if u kissed him and you said no, then she found out later on that you lied. i think she just doesnt need to know it ever happened in the first place because its not a HUGE deal.
ur_momm ur_momm 8 years
ok Karlotta, that all makes sense, i get where you are coming from, but her friend never dated the guy, she just had a crush on him and kissed him before. and she didnt have a fling with him, she just kissed him too(as far as i can tell atleast) it's not an ex. and she didnt sleep with him. i dont think this is something to lose a friendship over. if the circumstances were different, i would say to tell her. but this is something so small. i just say, if you think this will really upset her, why put her through it, it's not like she asked you if u kissed him and you said no, then she found out later on that you lied. i think she just doesnt need to know it ever happened in the first place because its not a HUGE deal.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Yeah, you cant put a price on integrity. However, im thinking of how your friend would feel. Would she be jealous or realize that if he wanted something with her, he'd given it a shot already?
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Tell her! tell her tell her tell her!Please! I'm speaking from experience - a few years back, I had a drunken one night fling with my best friend's "sort-of" ex. I say sort of because he was only calling her when he was drunk in the middle of the night for booty calls. They never actually dated.Well, she called me the next day and I was so taken aback I wasn't ready to say anything to her yet. And when she asked what I'd done the night before, I told her I'd hung out with Chris, and the first words out of her mouth were:OH MY GOD I HOPE YOU DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE YOU.So the cat got my tongue. And kept it for two months... when I finally couldn't take the guilt anymore and told her (but she could have found out any other way, and your friend will too! THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES OUT!). The thing is, my "slip" with the guy was forgivable. Lying to her about it for as long as I did, wasn't.I lost my friend. We got back in touch after a few years, but it was never the same. And we'd been amazing friends since we were 14. So all I gotta say is... tell the truth. Integrity is a very important quality to have. Own up to what you did - everybody makes mistakes, gets taken away in the moment, does something they'll regret. But honesty is what matters - it's what shows how you feel about HER. She'll be grateful for that - once she gets over the kiss!Good luck!
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Tell her! tell her tell her tell her! Please! I'm speaking from experience - a few years back, I had a drunken one night fling with my best friend's "sort-of" ex. I say sort of because he was only calling her when he was drunk in the middle of the night for booty calls. They never actually dated. Well, she called me the next day and I was so taken aback I wasn't ready to say anything to her yet. And when she asked what I'd done the night before, I told her I'd hung out with Chris, and the first words out of her mouth were: OH MY GOD I HOPE YOU DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE YOU. So the cat got my tongue. And kept it for two months... when I finally couldn't take the guilt anymore and told her (but she could have found out any other way, and your friend will too! THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES OUT!). The thing is, my "slip" with the guy was forgivable. Lying to her about it for as long as I did, wasn't. I lost my friend. We got back in touch after a few years, but it was never the same. And we'd been amazing friends since we were 14. So all I gotta say is... tell the truth. Integrity is a very important quality to have. Own up to what you did - everybody makes mistakes, gets taken away in the moment, does something they'll regret. But honesty is what matters - it's what shows how you feel about HER. She'll be grateful for that - once she gets over the kiss! Good luck!
em113 em113 8 years
love and war? wow your girlfriends must love you....
candace117 candace117 8 years
DORMCEST IS THE WORST IDEA! And this proves it! Find dudes in other residences, fraternities, or anywhere else really!
candace117 candace117 8 years
DORMCEST IS THE WORST IDEA! And this proves it! Find dudes in other residences, fraternities, or anywhere else really!
telewyo telewyo 8 years
If he hasn't called or stopped by to see you in the last four days when you're friends and you live so close by, then the kiss was definitely not an attempt to start a relationship. Move on. If there's a chance she'll hear about it through the grapevine, fess up. If not, then don't hurt her feelings and make her pissed off unless you actually want to try to start something with this guy. As to the comment about "all is fair in love and war", that is a good way to lose close girlfriends. She's not in love or war here. There are tons of guys out there, she's in college and she says her crush is slight compared to her friend's, why should she risk her a great friendship for some guy she doesn't even feel that strongly about.
telewyo telewyo 8 years
If he hasn't called or stopped by to see you in the last four days when you're friends and you live so close by, then the kiss was definitely not an attempt to start a relationship. Move on. If there's a chance she'll hear about it through the grapevine, fess up. If not, then don't hurt her feelings and make her pissed off unless you actually want to try to start something with this guy. As to the comment about "all is fair in love and war", that is a good way to lose close girlfriends. She's not in love or war here. There are tons of guys out there, she's in college and she says her crush is slight compared to her friend's, why should she risk her a great friendship for some guy she doesn't even feel that strongly about.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
I agree with lolalua kiss at a club while grinding/dancing and more than likely drinking is fairly meaningless in itself... I'm sure if anyone saw it they probably think nothing of it or don't even remember. I wouldn't say anything... he was probably looking for an after-club hook-up and you just happened to be there and he felt comfortable with you... I'd drop it and stop thinking and worrying about it
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
I agree with lolalu a kiss at a club while grinding/dancing and more than likely drinking is fairly meaningless in itself... I'm sure if anyone saw it they probably think nothing of it or don't even remember. I wouldn't say anything... he was probably looking for an after-club hook-up and you just happened to be there and he felt comfortable with you... I'd drop it and stop thinking and worrying about it
lolalu lolalu 8 years
I diagree with most of you. Talking with the guy about his feelings after he kisses you while you were grinding in a club? Bad idea! Sorry to be frank but this guy probably isn't in to you if he makes a move in these type of circumstances, this has hook up written all over it. Another thing, why is it still expected for people to shut down their feelings for someone because one of your friends likes him too/more. I've never been a big fan of this, remember all is fair in love and war! And if you two were to get serious she needs to respect the fact that he wants to be with you, not her. And hey, its college! I'm sure she'll find someone else in no time!
lolalu lolalu 8 years
I diagree with most of you. Talking with the guy about his feelings after he kisses you while you were grinding in a club? Bad idea! Sorry to be frank but this guy probably isn't in to you if he makes a move in these type of circumstances, this has hook up written all over it. Another thing, why is it still expected for people to shut down their feelings for someone because one of your friends likes him too/more. I've never been a big fan of this, remember all is fair in love and war! And if you two were to get serious she needs to respect the fact that he wants to be with you, not her. And hey, its college! I'm sure she'll find someone else in no time!
ur_momm ur_momm 8 years
Ummm i disagree.... I remember a movie (hahaha sorry for the comparison) that someone confessed to the other person, and the other person blew up and said something like "you are only telling me so that YOU can feel better, so that YOU dont have to live with the guilt." telling her isnt going to make anyone feel better but yourself. she will be very hurt. if you were having a secret affair with this guy, it would be a whole different story but it was just a kiss and if you dont plan on doing it again, then why make her feel horrible?yes i agree, in college, these things get around, but ive done plenty of dumb things in college that never got around. kissing a guy while dancing in a club isnt the same as getting caught making out with him under the bleachers... ok maybe im thinking of highschool but still! the line from the movie has really stuck with me throughout the years and i really feel that it is true, that it's selfish to just make yourself feel better.if my friend did this to me, I would NOT thank her for being honest, i would be PISSED with a capital P.anyways, maybe i dont know all the details, maybe you plan on pursuing something with this guy, in that case, yeah telling her will definitely not be a bad thing. but if it was a one time thing. and she's kissed him before... whats the big deal?
ur_momm ur_momm 8 years
Ummm i disagree.... I remember a movie (hahaha sorry for the comparison) that someone confessed to the other person, and the other person blew up and said something like "you are only telling me so that YOU can feel better, so that YOU dont have to live with the guilt." telling her isnt going to make anyone feel better but yourself. she will be very hurt. if you were having a secret affair with this guy, it would be a whole different story but it was just a kiss and if you dont plan on doing it again, then why make her feel horrible? yes i agree, in college, these things get around, but ive done plenty of dumb things in college that never got around. kissing a guy while dancing in a club isnt the same as getting caught making out with him under the bleachers... ok maybe im thinking of highschool but still! the line from the movie has really stuck with me throughout the years and i really feel that it is true, that it's selfish to just make yourself feel better. if my friend did this to me, I would NOT thank her for being honest, i would be PISSED with a capital P. anyways, maybe i dont know all the details, maybe you plan on pursuing something with this guy, in that case, yeah telling her will definitely not be a bad thing. but if it was a one time thing. and she's kissed him before... whats the big deal?
citizenkane citizenkane 8 years
Honestly...I wouldn't tell her unless I had to. Talk to the guy. Does he know she likes him? If not, tell him. If so, then obviously he's not into her. Once you get a feel of where he stands, then consider telling her. But...onesong is right. Things like that ALWAYS get back to the other person in college.
Esix Esix 8 years
Yes, talk with the guy first. See where that kiss came from.
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