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You Asked: I Need Closure

Dear Sugar,

For the past few months I had been seeing this great guy. He said and did sweet things for me the entire time we were dating. However, I recently discovered through a text message that he accidentally sent to me, that he's been in contact with another girl. We had already been intimate and it shocked me to find out he was seeing someone else — especially since he denied it early on in our relationship.

I was really hurt since he was the first guy I've liked in a long time. I wanted to stay strong and stand my ground, so I confronted him about the text message. He initially denied it, but eventually fessed up. I never got an explanation as to how long his two-timing has been going on or why he decided to see other girls behind my back. Instead, I just stopped talking to him. He kept asking that we meet in person to talk about things. He told me that he truly missed me and wanted to "get past the situation." I agreed to meet with him after a few requests, since I wanted to explain how much he had hurt me.

But as soon as I agreed, he became unreliable and difficult to reach. In the end we never talked about it. I'm not sure why, but part of me still wants to tell him how he wronged me. I'm worried that if I told him in a voicemail or email, I'd never hear back from him and only end up feeling foolish. I could really use your advice for some peace of mind.

— Bothered Beth

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Dear Bothered Beth,

Though I don't want to devalue your feelings for him, I think in the long run you'll be happy this guy accidentally let you in on his two-timing ways. Learning to let go is difficult, but you might be surprised how a little bit of time will do the trick. I think you're right about calling or emailing him — it's unlikely that you'll hear back. And as satisfying as you think it might be to let him have it, in the end, he'll still be the same guy and you'll still feel wounded. Instead, try writing a letter with everything you've had building up inside you. Write until you can't write anymore, but don't send it. Sometimes getting it all out is more important than having an audience to get it out, too; plus, next time you're feeling wistful about him, you can read your letter to remind you why you're better off without him.


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