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You Asked: I Slept With My Roommate, Now What?

Dear Sugar,

I broke the cardinal rule of hooking up with my roommate. We have this amazing chemistry so it was bound to happen sooner than later. I'm fairly new to the city and he's become my closest friend and confidant. Right after we hooked up, we decided to try a real relationship, but it fizzled pretty quickly. He turned out to be really immature and a little too needy for my liking. The problem is we're still living together and while we've only had sex once since we "broke up," he'll still pull me into bed with him in the mornings, or I'll get lonely and insecure and go and cuddle with him.

I have a track record of falling for guys too easily and while he's happily moving on with his life, I'm still hung up on him! My usual solution is to make a clean break — no calls, no emails, no contact at all but we live together and I'd really rather not move out. How do I get over him? And how do I convince him that the cuddling in bed is inappropriate when I'm finding it so hard to give up myself? This is all so complicated. Please help!
—We Crossed the Line Carrie

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear We Crossed the Line Carrie,

Seems like you really got yourself into a jam here. Although you don't want to move, the easiest way to put this situation behind you is to find a new apartment. If that's absolutely out of the question, you need to put an end to your early morning cuddling ASAP. Sure, it's easy to snuggle up with him when you're feeling lonely, but doing that will only make you more lonely in the long run. I'm a big advocate of out if sight out of mind so get yourself out there and meet people. Just because you're new to the city doesn't mean you need to stay home all the time — go to the gym, read at a coffee shop, explore your new city, and get involved in your community. Not only will doing those things help you get your mind off your roommate situation, but you'll increase the chances of meeting someone else.

The next time you're tempted to fall back into your routine, remember why your relationship didn't work out — he was too immature and needy for your liking. At the end of the day, it's your decision but if you stay strong and don't give into the convenience of having a warm body in the room next to you, I promise you'll be better off in the long run. Good luck.

Source

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Join The Conversation
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 8 years
You're right about one thing: he is very immature. He isn't respecting you or your feelings. How you can find that attractive at all is beyond me! Focus on what a jerk he is and NOT how badly you want someone.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I love him but.....its the siren song of women today i swear. But you dont want to move out, But he doesnt love you, But But But
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I love him but.....its the siren song of women today i swear. But you dont want to move out, But he doesnt love you, But But But
tee0206 tee0206 8 years
Oh, geez, I keep wondering if/when something's going to happen between myself and my roommate. We've been living together for a year and a half, and nothing has happened yet, though.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 8 years
I think the only reason you want him back is because, he has moved on. It seems a lot of people want what they can't have. You said he was immature and too needy for your liking. So, I think the first few days (if you all got back together) you would want out again. Plus, I think he is convenient for you..since you all live together. So, I would continue to be roommates and just move on to guy that has all the qualities you like (focus on dating different guys..it's fun). Trust me, you only want him because he has moved on (I have a ton of girlfriends who do this..I probably did too, before I was married). Now, go out live your life, and just enjoy the fact you get along well with your roommate..he sounds like a good friend to have. Also, when you start thinking of him in that way, say stop in your head & think about all the things you didn't like when you were in a relationship with him. And start looking for the good friend qualities in him..and focus on that. Because, it really sounds like to me..you all could have a wonderful friendship. Take care, and the best of luck. If, this doesn't end up working, then that's when I would start to think about moving out. I hope this helped. :froggy:
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 8 years
I think the only reason you want him back is because, he has moved on. It seems a lot of people want what they can't have. You said he was immature and too needy for your liking. So, I think the first few days (if you all got back together) you would want out again. Plus, I think he is convenient for you..since you all live together. So, I would continue to be roommates and just move on to guy that has all the qualities you like (focus on dating different guys..it's fun). Trust me, you only want him because he has moved on (I have a ton of girlfriends who do this..I probably did too, before I was married). Now, go out live your life, and just enjoy the fact you get along well with your roommate..he sounds like a good friend to have. Also, when you start thinking of him in that way, say stop in your head & think about all the things you didn't like when you were in a relationship with him. And start looking for the good friend qualities in him..and focus on that. Because, it really sounds like to me..you all could have a wonderful friendship. Take care, and the best of luck. If, this doesn't end up working, then that's when I would start to think about moving out. I hope this helped. :froggy:
michelleannette michelleannette 8 years
i think the only way to really resolve it is move out. there's always going to be sexual tension there. if he moves on first and brings some girl home, you might end up feeling a little jealous and vice versa.
njau njau 8 years
If you watch the real world - the lastest season - although it is over, if you watch the last two episodes online you'll get some motivation to not go cuddle in his bed. For a quick overview: guy has girlfriend back home but has unbelievable attraction to girl at Real World; boy is always just cuddling with this girl they end up sleeping together; he feels super guilty to his girl back at home so he treats this new girl like crap so much so that on their last night together in the house he's like "do you just want to cuddle? you know just cuddle?" and she's like "no, not at all, never ever again" even though he whines and pines with all the other confrontation that goes on between the two you know it's better to not cuddle. Although for the most part this show doesn't really related verbatim to your situation, it's something if you need help.
njau njau 8 years
If you watch the real world - the lastest season - although it is over, if you watch the last two episodes online you'll get some motivation to not go cuddle in his bed. For a quick overview: guy has girlfriend back home but has unbelievable attraction to girl at Real World; boy is always just cuddling with this girl they end up sleeping together; he feels super guilty to his girl back at home so he treats this new girl like crap so much so that on their last night together in the house he's like "do you just want to cuddle? you know just cuddle?" and she's like "no, not at all, never ever again" even though he whines and pines with all the other confrontation that goes on between the two you know it's better to not cuddle.Although for the most part this show doesn't really related verbatim to your situation, it's something if you need help.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Wait, so you broke up with him and you don't want a relationship, but now you want to know how to get over him? I'm a little confused.I guess I feel like this guy makes you feel safe and keeps you a little less lonely. Maybe you are confusing that with falling for him?I personally don't see a problem if you want to continue being cuddle buddies and/or sleep together periodically. I mean yeah, that doesn't always go well, but it's not the worst thing in the world as long as the expectations are set.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Wait, so you broke up with him and you don't want a relationship, but now you want to know how to get over him? I'm a little confused. I guess I feel like this guy makes you feel safe and keeps you a little less lonely. Maybe you are confusing that with falling for him? I personally don't see a problem if you want to continue being cuddle buddies and/or sleep together periodically. I mean yeah, that doesn't always go well, but it's not the worst thing in the world as long as the expectations are set.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Yes, getting into a relationship with a roomate while you are new to an area is bad news. Stay out of the apartment. Try to find organizations or clubs or events to attend. Use meetup.com to find others with your interests! Find a local coffee shop to read a book after work; just anything to get out of the apartment and out and about.
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 8 years
My opinion is you'll have to get yourself out of there.
sofi sofi 8 years
you guys just can't live together period- neither of you can move on like this. You'll never meet new people if you know you can cuddle with him when you are lonely. Get out of there, give yourself some distance form him for a while. If you guys just became friends as a result of being roomates- forget about him. If you are long time friend- new roomate, give this some time to fizzle and everyone moves on to start to be 'friends- no benefits' again. Number one- get yourself out of there- for your own mental health!!
sofi sofi 8 years
you guys just can't live together period- neither of you can move on like this. You'll never meet new people if you know you can cuddle with him when you are lonely. Get out of there, give yourself some distance form him for a while. If you guys just became friends as a result of being roomates- forget about him. If you are long time friend- new roomate, give this some time to fizzle and everyone moves on to start to be 'friends- no benefits' again.Number one- get yourself out of there- for your own mental health!!
clareberrys clareberrys 8 years
i second that...I would also say to try and spend as much time out of your apartment as possible. Also try to meet new people so that you are not constantly thinking about him. Then maybe you will meet someone you really like!
the-makeup-blogette the-makeup-blogette 8 years
You said he is too immature and needy for your liking but it sounds like the other way round. Because you mentioned also that you are falling for him and being hung up on him while he is happily moving on with his life. What do you really want with this guy??Why are you hung up when you find him too needy and immature?I think you need to be clear about what you want.
the-makeup-blogette the-makeup-blogette 8 years
You said he is too immature and needy for your liking but it sounds like the other way round. Because you mentioned also that you are falling for him and being hung up on him while he is happily moving on with his life. What do you really want with this guy?? Why are you hung up when you find him too needy and immature? I think you need to be clear about what you want.
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