Dear Sugar --
My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We have been very unhappy most of that time due to his family not liking me, me having a hard time getting pregnant, sexual incompatibility, violence from me, money issues and so forth.
We have since moved past most of that, but I recently had a baby, and I am still so troubled. I stay home all day and when my husband comes home, all I want is some one on one time with him after he plays with the baby. He usually plays with her and then they fall asleep and I am left awake lonely. I have been battling an overwhelming sense of emptiness, and I don't think my husband even listens. I have even thought about suicide.
Today, I think I have had it though. Before he came home I sent him a text message letting him know that I was thinking of getting out of the marriage (something I have been thinking about for months). He called me about something completely unrelated, and he mentioned the text message. He said I almost gave him a heart attack, but then he didn't ask me what was wrong or anything. Then when he got home, he scoffed at the dinner I had cooked.
I told him that tonight I wanted to spend time with just him without the baby, so he put her to sleep. I looked up and as usual he was asleep as well. I didn't flip out because I was on the internet anyway. But I did flip out when all of a sudden he was looking at me and said "I need to get my own computer because you are always on that one doing nothing."
Unfortunately for my husband today was the same day that I got back in contact with a recent Ex, who I still have feelings for. I have slept with this Ex before while being married, and I know that I should not do it again because it is adultery. But, I really have feelings for the other guy and my husband is not listening to me even when I come right out and say I am leaving or thinking of going back to that guy.
Overall my husband is a good guy. He is a good provider and father to our two kids, but I don't feel sexy or important to him or like a wife or life partner. I feel like I am just here with no one to share with. Please help me. --Lonely Lila
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Dear Lonely Lila --
You certainly have a lot on your plate right now. It sounds like you are going through a rough patch in your marriage and in your personal life, and a major lack of communication is partly to blame. All these issues can be worked out if you are both willing to be honest with each other and put forth the energy and time to re-build your marriage.
First off, you need to sever ties with your ex boyfriend. As long as he is in the picture you are never going to be able to mend things in your marriage. Secondly, talk to your husband. Don't text message him and then respond in a passive aggressive manner when he fails to respond. Choose a time, perhaps over the weekend, when you are both at home and have the time and energy for a productive conversation. Be open and honest with him; let him know how lonely and unhappy you are and that his mean-spirited comments about the dinners you cook and your time on the computer only make matters worse.
Have you entertained the idea of marriage counseling? Since you are home all day while he works, perhaps a weekly "date night" is in order so you can spend quality time together and get back on track. It also sounds to me like you could be suffering from some postpartum depression. Have you gone to see a professional about your overwhelming feeling of emptiness? Many new mothers go through a tough transition after giving birth so I suggest seeking help. Do you have a family member or friend that can watch your baby a few times a week to give you some time for yourself?
Let your husband know you are not getting the respect and love you need from him which in turn is making you want to give up on your marriage. Feeling alone in your own home can't be a good feeling so you need to ask yourself if this man is worth fighting for. All couples go through tough times, so hopefully with some hard work and effort from both of you, your rough past will soon be behind you. Good luck.