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You Asked: I Think Porn Is Disgusting, But He Likes it

Dear Sugar,
Four months ago when my live-in boyfriend was out of town, I discovered that he had downloaded multiple videos of porn and has received numerous pictures of naked women from his male friends via email. I confronted him about it, and he sees nothing wrong with it. He said that he'd stop looking at them, but I know for a fact he's lying.

I have serious issues with pornography as an industry, and on principle alone I find porn disgusting. A person looking at videos of people having sex is something that is not acceptable to me. I am so upset that I'm ready to walk away. Am I completely wrong?

— Disgusted Deb

To see DearSugar's answer,

.

Dear Disgusted Deb,

Although some people take issue with porn, it is still very much a part of our society and is something that many men (and women) enjoy. Though you may find it revolting, having a boyfriend with a propensity to watch porn is not abnormal. As long as it's not interfering in a relationship, I don't think there's anything automatically wrong with it. But obviously, in this case, your feelings about porn make this a significant problem.

I'm glad to hear that you've talked to your boyfriend, and though it's disappointing that he lied to you about stopping, it's not all too surprising — I'd guess he's trying to avoid another argument. Next time, instead of confronting him, try simply revealing more of your feelings surrounding porn. Perhaps the more open the issue becomes, the less threatening you might find it to be. Otherwise, if you continue to feel as you do then only you can decide if staying in your relationship is worth it, but definitely give communication a try first.

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Girl101 Girl101 5 years
Well if your question is that should you leave your bf for looking at porn? You will be lonely for a long time, all the guys I know love porn. If your question is should you leave him for lying to you about looking at it? Well how did you approach him about it, did you make him defensive? If you approached him and said I am uncomfortable with it, but I know you like it just keep it out of sight and he still lied. Then, you may have honesty issues in the relationship that would be worthy of leaving over. But I you attack him (like I know I have done to my husband) and made him feel he had to lie to preserve the relationship, the fault may be with you. Regarding porn I respect your view on it, but I personally like it every once in a while to serve as foreplay.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
Personally, I am not a big fan of porn so I can understand why you don't like it. But I just wanted to comment that EVERY SINGLE guy I have ever known looks at porn. And I have known my fair share of guys. You are entitled to your opinion. But seriously, good luck finding a guy that doesn't watch porn. The only other reason for why he doesn't watch it is if he is gay. And then he is watching gay porn. Seriously. Or else, he is just lying to you about watching it. If this is a deal breaker for you, then you might as well switch to women and become a lesbian. Sorry to be harsh, but ALL men watch porn. It's just a fact. Unless they don't masturbate. And 99.99999999999999% of men masturbate.
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
karlotta: Send one of those brothers my way!!! lol j/k j/k! But I agree with you...and I am 200% atheist. I also agree with silverlining 10, some people need to quit telling the poster she is wrong and quit telling her she should like porn, she already knows she doesn't like it, she just wants to know what to do about the guy. And since when did it make up "uptight", etc. to not like porn. I was also going to copy part of Gatito's post until I realized I agreed with all of it...lol. So true!!!!!!! And not liking it does not mean you aren't open minded!!!! Open minded means you accept other people's opinions and think about all sides of something. And then you pick YOUR OWN side. It doesn't mean you have to pick that side that "everybody" else does.
kllerchic kllerchic 7 years
You are definitely not wrong in your opinion, Deb. No woman should have to deal with their boyfriend/husband going behind their backs and getting involved in sexual acts. In my blunt opinion, its a form of cheating. I delt with the same issue with my boyfriend, and for a while he really didnt understand why it was wrong until I explained to him how it made me feel. I said that if he watches porn and masturbates, then he is not satisfied with me sexually. And if he is not satified, then I want nothing to do with him, for he should appreciate. Thats the biggest problem with relationships, too often do people forget to truly appreciate and respect their significant other. I think you are a strong woman by standing up against pornography. TOO OFTEN DO WOMEN TRY TO JUSTIFY IT AND SAY ITS OKAY because its a "common thing in society". Its a common thing because women are too afraid to speak up!!! Just because everyone does it does not mean its okay or right. If everyone started doing drugs and giving drugs to kids, does it mean its okay because everyone does it? I know thats an extreme example, but by no means is it a bad example. I am open-minded enough to say that pornography is not totally wrong, however. I just think that people in relationships should respect each other enough and not go off behind each others back to supposably satisfy their sexual needs. Isnt that part of what a relationship is about? Satisfing sexual needs? I think porn can be okay if it is watched not often at all, and watched as an adult. Yes, an adult. The most powerful force is INFLUENCE. Younger minds become corrupted by pornography where they start thinking of women more as sex objects than beautiful beings. More do they focus on tits and ass then do they focus on the whole beauty. So porn should be only for the mature enough to not degrade women. Period.
Gatito Gatito 7 years
Great article, Bella. I'm surprised and encouraged by the number of male commenters that seem to "get it". Thanks for the bringing to our attention.
Beauty Beauty 7 years
Gatito, I totally agree. I think the problem is that the popularity of porn pushes a predefined version of sexuality on both men and women, which often hampers our ability to define sexuality on our own terms. It doesn't always, and some people can enjoy porn in a healthy way, but for other people, it makes actual sexual interaction seem second-rate. I once had a boyfriend who didn't understand why I didn't want that kind of "facial" — and he said I was uptight. I was like, "No, dude, I'm just not interested in it, and now I'm not interested in YOU because you're not respecting my boundaries, and you're more into your own orgasm than in our own connection." This Naomi Wolf article is also worth reading. Whether you agree or disagree with her theory, it's good food for thought regardless.
Gatito Gatito 7 years
Bella nailed the the crux of the issue, I think. Because of the level of acceptability of pornography by our modern society, we as modern women feel we are expected to be porn stars in the bedroom because that is what our men like. That expectation applies a pressure that can easily cause insecurity because one is perceived as a prude otherwise. Not to mention the expectation by society to be all things...a breadwinner, a mom, a chef, a pornstar, a scribe. As the lyric from that Usher song "Yeah, Yeah" that was popular a few years ago that states that what they want is "a lady in the street and a freak in the bed." That lyric says it all. I don't want to be labeled a prude just because I don't want to let my man ejaculate all over my face or because I don't want to film our sexual encounters. I'm not particularly of the opinion that porn exploits women in general but we would all be remiss if we ignored that the majority of porn stars, like strippers and prositutes, seem to come from troubled backgrounds; i.e. sexual and/or physical abuse, abandonment, substance abuse, etc. It seems to me to be a more specific form of exploitation than just all women in general...that of women who experience emotional instability.
MeggyPoodles MeggyPoodles 7 years
crackaddict, LOL!! I scrolled up to see what you were talking about and you're right! hilarious.
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
I think you are definitely entitled to your opinion and for the most part I agree with your assessment of porn. The reasons you don't like it are probably that a) the industry is exploitative of women, and promotes unhealthy standards of behavior and beauty and b) your boyfriend is looking at other women to get off. Both of these are respectable objections. If this is something you absolutely cannot deal with and do not see yourself softening on, then break up with him. Personally, I think it is a very, very common and normally harmless thing for men (and women) to look at porn - and I have found that men who claim to not like it are usually lying. So just realize that this is something you most likely will deal with in the future, too. If you feel like seeing the 'positive' side of porn (it can be really fun, and in my opinion women should 'own' more of the industry), see if you wouldn't mind watching something very mild and woman-oriented with your boyfriend. There are several woman-friendly companies that put forth more tasteful fare for couples or women alone. But again, if you're not willing to compromise on this, then move along.
bbkf bbkf 7 years
I'll start by saying that I have no issues with porn of any sort. That said, I understand that some people are offended by it, and they're entitled to that opinion. I feel that if the OP feels strongly that porn is offensive and degrading and her boyfriend disagrees, that this shows a deep level of difference in their value systems which will resurface in other areas of the relationship, and that may not be reconcilable.
ozziebear ozziebear 7 years
I think the real problem here is not necessarily the porn itself, but that your boyfriend refuses to end a behavior that makes you uncomfortable. In my opinion, if he loves you, he will stop doing something that really upsets you. That said, I do think you need to offer him a compromise. Maybe you would feel more comfortable if he had some sexy pictures of YOU to look at. Then he is not trying to hide anything from you, and you know he is not looking at other naked women.
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 7 years
People should stop criticizing this woman for disliking porn. She dislikes it, and don't try to persuade her otherwise. She did not write about porn, but whether she should walk away because her and her boyfriend have differing views on something she sees as being important. I say, walk away. If he likes it that much, he might just start hiding it from you, and that's worse. And he might resent you for trying to cut it out of his life. A deal-breaker is a deal-breaker.
sparklestar sparklestar 7 years
BellaSugar - I agree with you. Personally I tend to watch kink.com (where the women are treated properly) or feminist porn because it is generally... better? Who wants to watch double penetration shots of a cock and balls bouncing up and down? Snore~ To the OP - if you didn't find fault with the porn, you'd find fault with something else. Walk.
crackaddict crackaddict 7 years
puddlesworths comment made me laugh because it looks like the dog is shouting it!
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 7 years
ah the age old argument...pornography. my dad STILL puts a parental lock on all the porn channels on our satellite at home. i haven't lived at home for 5 years... do the math! my bf, before we were together, would constantly show me stuff. i'd be like wow - ok thanks! i'm indifferent to porn, but i can't stand that he watches really raunchy amateur stuff that's disgusting (bangbros, reality kings...etc) . that makes me question ok- this is really gross...why watch? i think he likes the shock value of it...considering after watching it he proclaims that all women are sluts (jokingly) and is disgusted with everything. i don't get mad anymore, but i've had a few drunken talks with him about the industry and about how we're going to deter our future daughter from being attracted to that profession bc by he time we have a daughter the world is going to be an insane sexual place. putting it in that perspective kind of makes him think about it. i think it's funny how men get off to women who are so fake not only on the outside but faking their pleasure. (he touches her boob- she sounds likes she's about to explode from the sensation...i mean cmon). it says a lot about the reason they watch it. it's not even to get 'into' these women or the act of sex...it just the concept of this chick making baby-voiced moans and 'oh, yeah'-ing... on and on while this guy mercilessly pounds her. yeah, not so attractive to a woman is it? it's a guy thing sometimes, like a domination type of thing? that's why a lot of guys like to watch anal i think. while some women can get into it with their sig. others...it's different, bc you're both watching it imagining pleasure that you're going to receive from each other. when one watches it alone, it gives a lot of lee way to other fantasizing. the girls here who are into it- more power to you and i'm sure you have mind blowing sex lives! but to those against, i know completely how you feel, once being bothered by it. i don't think she's uptight for not liking porn. porn in itself isn't very classy anymore (was it ever not cheesy?) there are a lot of insecurity issues and jealousy that can be felt, which is natural, because your bf is watching a close up of some chicks hoo haa. not to mention the fact that a lot of porn today is guy oriented, turning a lot of girls off. i guess it really matter in how you approach watching it, your mind set as you enter the world of Pr0n. another reason for not liking porn that resonates with me, is the fact that some men become so dependent on porn for stimulation or arousal that the become completely useless without it. meaning, 'normal' women don't turn him on, and while he's initiating sex, he's also pressing 'play' in his mind and thinking about his fav porn. yeah, i have a friend...who likes to share his personal stuff. that freaking alarmed me but this is an extreme case. while many porn stars are becoming celebs across the board, it's looking like porn is here to stay. it's going to be hard to get away from it, which leaves girls like the OP questioning themselves if it's 'wrong to not like porn'. because it's so common these days, people who still oppose it are left to feel ostracized and uptight- but lest we forget that porn was once very very prohibited and obsessively censored in America! everyone is entitled to not like some things without being labeled. i think the OP has quite a predicament to solve. if you love him enough to try and settle your differences, maybe you can TRY and 'get over it' or just learn to deal. if you feel like it's something that's made you change the way you look at him, than X him out...and find a more tech savvy guy who realizes that DLing porn can give you mad viruses on your computer (that's how my guy f-ed up our desktop...moron!). doesn't he know about all the streaming porn sites! geez! but seriously, the way you feel is not WRONG. however, either you have some more exploration to do in terms of reasoning with porn which is something that we will be exposed to more and more as the years come, or you can test guys out until you find one simply isn't into it. however, be weary in your venture bc masturbation and porn isn't exactly something most men are honest about sharing! good luck- and we're always here to talk. ps: sorry this got long but i really enjoyed this topic ;)
looseseal looseseal 7 years
I think it depends... what kind of porn is he into? Hmm... it might actually be a good test to watch porn together before doing it for reals (I'm thinking in general, not directed at the OP), that way you find out if things that turns him on turns you off and vice versa. It'd sure tell you a lot about sexual compatibility and lessen the chances of having unenjoyable sex. If you actually watched his porn and it does not turn you on in any way, shape, or form... and if you can really tell that it's the exploitative kind of porn... Then you have differences of ideology and sexual preferences. That's a pretty big deal if you think about it that way. Just know that there's a wide variety of porn out there. Maybe give it a chance if you're so inclined. But if he loves the kind of porn that disgusts you, I don't see anything wrong with you breaking up with him. I think that would be the most sensible thing to do in that case, really.
Beauty Beauty 7 years
I feel that culturally, we've swung from "all porn is bad" to "porn is really AWESOME" and this depresses me. I'm not anti-porn in principle, especially because there are feminist adult-film actors, producers, etc. Intellectually, I think it's fine. But emotionally, it makes me pretty bummed out. Most porn isn't exactly the most lady-friendly kind of cinema, and I've dated a lot of guys who expect me to act like a porn star. That's not my thing. And I hate being labeled a prude because I dislike most porn — I don't have anything against it in theory, but it turns me off more often than not. It just isn't even remotely sexy to me. As others have said, you are entitled to your opinion — but so are the men you date. I think most men like porn, and so you have to decide whether you can deal with your partner's proclivities, or whether it's a deal-breaker. I would examine why you find the idea of watching a couple copulate so disgusting (do you feel threatened? does it trigger a bad memory?) and as Dear said, have an open talk. Good luck!
Berlin Berlin 7 years
I was thinking about this quite a bit and started to wonder why so many women think it's exploitive. Yes, there are many porno flicks out there that cater towards men and that are very exploitive of women. And porn has changed so much! I'm sorry but have you ever seen the making of a porn film? I cannot stand the ones that are plot driven...a girl comes in, blah blah, decides to do the guy for this reason or that, or it's 2 girls on some sleezy guy...granted yes, those are a bit off and so not my thing. Then there are the fetish ones that aren't so much my cup 'o java but hey, to each his own what turns you on. But no matter what fetish you have, unless it's anything to do with a child!!, bestiality or necrophelia b/c sorry but those I have a problem with!!...then it's just your prerogative. However for any woman that thinks porn is DISGUSTING then I have a proposition for you:) Please try watching one porn in particular...not with your man but just by yourself, objectively. It's called Island Fever 4. There is no plot, there is no talking. It's just beautiful people of varying sizes, shapes, ethnicities...all on a gorgeous island with the music playing, having sex. You have all different kinds of sex going on and sexual actions, and yes there are going to be scenes you may not like and others you will, but I urge you to watch it with an open mind and see the beauty in it! AND best part is that it's a 3 disc set (sorry but this is my all time fav porn film) and it has the behind the scenes of it all and a clip that you see them interactive with the natives of the land (I think it may be Bali? I forget where they actually are). And if you still think that all porn is disgusting after this then you are absolutely entitled to that opinion and should stick to it, but I would be VERY surprised if you still had that feeling after seeing it:) B/C trust me, all you'll be thinking is how much you want to be nude on an island having sex with your man.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
I feel the same way you do, and I love the fact that my BF doesn't like porn. It helps me forgive a lot of his misgivings! I don't know what I would do if I had [another!] boyfriend who did like it, and I found it on his computer. Or under our bed. Thing is, neither of us is religious or uptight (we're even rather cool - :D); we just think it's degrading for women and not attractive. So no, you don't have to start going out with some stuck up guy who lives in church. And I know a couple of my brothers feel the same way about it, so I don't see a shortage of men who are not into porn. I don't know if I'd break up with him; if you love him and your relationship is otherwise good, it's an issue that could be solved by compromising and understanding. Maybe you two can reach an agreement that's comfortable for both of you. Maybe if he had some photos and/or videos of YOU, it would make you feel better, and would be enough to satisfy him? That, of course, if he doesn't send them to his friends!! Try and talk and resolve it together (when I say resolve, I do mean compromise, not "get it your way!"). If it's impossible, and you really can't get over it, and he can't throw out his stash, then... maybe you're better off out the door.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
OP: You're not wrong in having your own opinion, if it's so different from your partner and both you and he can't find any compromise, I'd suggest to remain true to yourself even if it means breaking up with a man whom you care about/love. But how do you know for a fact that your bf doesn't want to reduce/eliminate his needs for porn for you? On that point, I think you're taking it way too far, I'd suggest that wait and see how he keeps to his promise or not before just dumping him (that is if you love him though). Personally, I enjoy porn although some of it are cheezy. :p If anything, my hubby caught me with my smut more :lol: It doesn't offend my sensibility at all since I've grown up around boys who share porn collection with me. Good luck with your decision, OP. Always remain true to yourself.
TidalWave TidalWave 7 years
This makes me ask.... how is your sex life? I mean, is he more open about sexuality in general? Does he often ask you to try new positions/experiment in ways that make you feel uncomfortable? If you are soooooooooo against porn and he doesn't mind it, it makes me wonder if there are other issues going on in your sexual relationship. Maybe this is just sheer incompatibility. Honestly I don't care that my boyfriend watches porn. I have a few toys of my own. No big deal either way.
Meike Meike 7 years
Not all porn is exploitive and it should not be generally labeled as such. There is such a wide variety with, of course, bad eggs in the mix. Still, you are certainly entitled to your opinion about finding it disgusting. Your boyfriend isn't wrong for liking it as he simply has a different set of standards than you. If you can't live with that, move on to someone whose values match yours.
aeschere aeschere 7 years
i just find the only way to be happy with your man is to get used to it. as much as i've always hated it, it's not going away and 99% of men love it. just gotta live with it.
jessie jessie 7 years
if you find yourself questioning your realationship over this, its a sign that he's not the one for you. time to let go
puddlesworth puddlesworth 7 years
You should walk away! There are guys who share your beliefs!
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