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You Asked: I Want a Divorce

Dear Sugar,

I want out of my marriage so badly that I can hardly stand the idea of another moment in it. We tried counseling a few years ago, but the fact is I don't love my husband anymore, period. We have two young boys, and to be honest, I'm only in this now for them. I don't want to live like this anymore, but I don't know how to tell him that I want to leave. I feel guilty because he has no family to turn to, and if I leave him he will threaten to take our car. I know it's petty, but all I really have is our new car. At the same time, I don't want to leave him with nothing. How can I get out?

— Miserable Maggie

To see Dear Sugar's answer

.

Dear Miserable Maggie,

It sounds like you've truly hit your limit and need to deal with the situation quickly however, don't let your emotions get the best of you during this difficult time. Think rationally and plan ahead. Your concerns about the car lead me to believe that you don't have many resources once you leave. Make plans with family or friends and ask to stay with them for a while. Perhaps they can help you find a job and help care for your boys when they're not in school. One thing to remember is that if you can't come up with your own custody agreement for the children, the court will have to do so for you, so start considering how to work that out.

Once you've worked through some of these kinks internally, then broach the issue with your husband. Unfortunately there's no way to make this discussion easy except to be kind and honest. Tell him that you're not happy anymore and that you want a separation. Be clear that the children's happiness is the most important thing and hopefully you'll be able to work together to make this an easy transition. It's going to be very difficult for a while, but both you and your husband will make it through. Good luck.

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j2e1n9 j2e1n9 8 years
This is a sad post to me. I wonder why she is so unhappy and doesnt love him anymore, and why the counseling didnt "work". Makes me wonder if there is another man. I dont know if a divorce would be the answer to all the problems, maybe it would just be creating more problems for her to be miserable over, i.e. transportation, financial issues, sharing custody, and being a single mom aint easy. :OY:
shelleybaby32 shelleybaby32 8 years
wow "petite42" gave some great advice! you are worried about the car? I would be more worried about losing my children. Screw the car. Life IS way to short. I want to spend my life happy not miserable. Don't do it for the kids. They know more than you think they know.
shelleybaby32 shelleybaby32 8 years
wow "petite42" gave some great advice! you are worried about the car? I would be more worried about losing my children. Screw the car. Life IS way to short. I want to spend my life happy not miserable. Don't do it for the kids. They know more than you think they know.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
you're right...it does sound petty...but cars can always be replaced...if you are unhappy, move on because you'll regret the wasted years
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Great post, Petite42. Written with wisdom and experience. Thanks for sharing.
petite42 petite42 8 years
You need to get yourself a lawyer. Learn the divorce laws for your state. The biggest mistakes divorcing couples make is to: 1) Wanting out so bad, you're willing to settle for less than your due share. 2) Digging in stubbornly and fighting over some ridiculous, easily replaceable object. Without a lawyer representing your best interests in a time when you're too emotional, you're going to ask for the car, and your soon-to-be-ex is going to hold that above your head until you cave and sign away everything else. Don't be stupid about this. While it varies from state to state, most states tend to split the assets and liabilities right down the middle. This means you get the equivalent of: 1) 1/2 the house (if in both your names; if not, you still get 1/2 the equity built up in the house since you wed) 2) 1/2 all the contents of the house that were purchased after you wed 3) 1/2 of all the retirement funds - regardless of in who's name it is - since the time you wed 4) 1/2 of all other investments since the time you wed You are also on the hook for 1/2 of any debt owed. In addition, since you have kids, you need to work out custody and child support. Remember that a car is a depreciating asset. This is not the asset I'd choose to haggle over. Instead, I'd have my eyes on the retirement fund, because you cannot make up for lost time. When I got divorced (ages ago) I wanted out so badly, all I wanted was a few pieces of furniture, one of the cars, and my children. I signed an agreement giving up rights to child support, retirement, the house... everything else.... luckily my lawyer got the agreement thrown out and talked some sense into me. When all was said and done, we ended up splitting everything right down the middle and I walked away with my kids, with a joint custody schedule, one car, half the furniture, half the equity in the house, and half the retirement and other investements. You owe it to your children to do no less. Don't be a burden on them in your retirement. And yes, I do understand the guilt. But guilt gets in the way when you are making important financial decisions, and that is what this is. See a lawyer, pronto!
petite42 petite42 8 years
You need to get yourself a lawyer. Learn the divorce laws for your state. The biggest mistakes divorcing couples make is to:1) Wanting out so bad, you're willing to settle for less than your due share.2) Digging in stubbornly and fighting over some ridiculous, easily replaceable object. Without a lawyer representing your best interests in a time when you're too emotional, you're going to ask for the car, and your soon-to-be-ex is going to hold that above your head until you cave and sign away everything else. Don't be stupid about this. While it varies from state to state, most states tend to split the assets and liabilities right down the middle. This means you get the equivalent of:1) 1/2 the house (if in both your names; if not, you still get 1/2 the equity built up in the house since you wed)2) 1/2 all the contents of the house that were purchased after you wed3) 1/2 of all the retirement funds - regardless of in who's name it is - since the time you wed4) 1/2 of all other investments since the time you wedYou are also on the hook for 1/2 of any debt owed. In addition, since you have kids, you need to work out custody and child support. Remember that a car is a depreciating asset. This is not the asset I'd choose to haggle over. Instead, I'd have my eyes on the retirement fund, because you cannot make up for lost time. When I got divorced (ages ago) I wanted out so badly, all I wanted was a few pieces of furniture, one of the cars, and my children. I signed an agreement giving up rights to child support, retirement, the house... everything else.... luckily my lawyer got the agreement thrown out and talked some sense into me. When all was said and done, we ended up splitting everything right down the middle and I walked away with my kids, with a joint custody schedule, one car, half the furniture, half the equity in the house, and half the retirement and other investements. You owe it to your children to do no less. Don't be a burden on them in your retirement. And yes, I do understand the guilt. But guilt gets in the way when you are making important financial decisions, and that is what this is. See a lawyer, pronto!
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
1) you don't have any communication with your husband. go to a counselor. they don't just work on getting people together, they help them end relationships too. 2) you aren't thinking clearly, a car is nothing in the overall picture. 3) you din't memtion any reason for wanting to leave other than you "don't love him anymore". in the absence of abuse or addiction or extreme asshol-ish-ness, that's not really okay.
sunshowers83 sunshowers83 8 years
Life is TOO DAMN SHORT to be so miserable. A car is just an object, the car can be replaced. You'll NEVER get these years of your life back.
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
Great society...
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
Great society...
gitwenty5 gitwenty5 8 years
"this is why ALL women need a save-a-ho-fund." - AMEN to that.
BeautyXRush BeautyXRush 8 years
Well, I think if you don't love him anymore you should leave. For him also, you don't want to stay in a bad relationship/situation due to your kids. They will understand. If anything, your kids might even notice you're not madly in love with your husband/their father anymore. Kids pick up on things more than you think. I wish you the best of luck, and I truly hope you can get through this difficult time.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
OK, so I'm sure you know that staying in a marriage with no love is worse off for your kids than leaving. It sounds like your set on leaving and there is no love so now you need a plan. First off I agree EVERY woman needs to have some type of money set aside for times like this especially when you've been dealing with this for years and most likely you knew it wouldn't work out. You don't really say that you NEED this car, it sounds more like you just don't want him to have the new car...which is crazy! If you need a car to make a living and support yourself when you leave then I suggest hanging in there until you can put enough money aside for a car and housing if you need it. Although if it were me his ass would be the one moving out, I don't know your situation. I mean who's car is it anyways, are you the primary owner on the note? If so it's your car if not it's his, and this shouldn't all come down to a car! The court is going to have to decide who gets what if you two can't come to an agreement. After you have enough money to settle down on your own and get another car if need be then you just have to tell him that you want a divorce. You two have tried and you don't love him so what's the point in living a miserable life? You can't worry about who he has and what he has. Hopefully if you two can handle this divorce maturely and with dignity you could come out of it still being friends and supportive for the children's sakes. Good Luck and stop getting hung up on stupid materialistic petty things...unless we're talking about a house, but a "new" car it really does sound petty. All you need is a lil something to get you to and from work and pick the kids up for now. I would visit a lawyer if I were you also he or she may be able to help you figure this out regarding how to split things.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
OK, so I'm sure you know that staying in a marriage with no love is worse off for your kids than leaving. It sounds like your set on leaving and there is no love so now you need a plan. First off I agree EVERY woman needs to have some type of money set aside for times like this especially when you've been dealing with this for years and most likely you knew it wouldn't work out. You don't really say that you NEED this car, it sounds more like you just don't want him to have the new car...which is crazy! If you need a car to make a living and support yourself when you leave then I suggest hanging in there until you can put enough money aside for a car and housing if you need it. Although if it were me his ass would be the one moving out, I don't know your situation. I mean who's car is it anyways, are you the primary owner on the note? If so it's your car if not it's his, and this shouldn't all come down to a car! The court is going to have to decide who gets what if you two can't come to an agreement. After you have enough money to settle down on your own and get another car if need be then you just have to tell him that you want a divorce. You two have tried and you don't love him so what's the point in living a miserable life? You can't worry about who he has and what he has. Hopefully if you two can handle this divorce maturely and with dignity you could come out of it still being friends and supportive for the children's sakes.Good Luck and stop getting hung up on stupid materialistic petty things...unless we're talking about a house, but a "new" car it really does sound petty. All you need is a lil something to get you to and from work and pick the kids up for now. I would visit a lawyer if I were you also he or she may be able to help you figure this out regarding how to split things.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
i hear you popgoestheworld. but she's probably one of those women who give up everything to be a house-mommie, and it's like she's gonna lose EVERYTHING if she leaves him. all she knows that is that she's gonna be on foot-patrol and have to move into a smaller place . . .possible have to apply for Government Cheese. the car is the only thing she has as far as property goes. but she wasn't smart enough to get the car in her name when they bought the car. i feel for the poster, because you hear about this all the time. i stick to what i said above. save ya pennies and let everything go. if you have family and friends, i hope they can help you out with taking the kids to school/the doctor/soccer practice etc..As long as the kids have the basic necessities, they will be fine until you can get on your feet again. and if homeboy IS a great dad, he wouldn't leave you hanging on that anyway.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
i hear you popgoestheworld.but she's probably one of those women who give up everything to be a house-mommie, and it's like she's gonna lose EVERYTHING if she leaves him.all she knows that is that she's gonna be on foot-patrol and have to move into a smaller place . . .possible have to apply for Government Cheese.the car is the only thing she has as far as property goes. but she wasn't smart enough to get the car in her name when they bought the car.i feel for the poster, because you hear about this all the time.i stick to what i said above.save ya pennies and let everything go. if you have family and friends, i hope they can help you out with taking the kids to school/the doctor/soccer practice etc..As long as the kids have the basic necessities, they will be fine until you can get on your feet again.and if homeboy IS a great dad, he wouldn't leave you hanging on that anyway.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
You can't stand the idea of another day in your marriage, but you don't want to lose your new car? Do you know how weird that sounds to an outsider? I mean, I get that you will need transportation but of all the obstacles to a divorce, fear of losing your new car need not be at the top of the list.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
You can't stand the idea of another day in your marriage, but you don't want to lose your new car? Do you know how weird that sounds to an outsider? I mean, I get that you will need transportation but of all the obstacles to a divorce, fear of losing your new car need not be at the top of the list.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
this is why ALL women need a save-a-ho-fund.save your pennies, and get you a put-put car.don't use that (or other financial insecurities) as a reason to stay in a bad situation.you can rebuild.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
this is why ALL women need a save-a-ho-fund. save your pennies, and get you a put-put car. don't use that (or other financial insecurities) as a reason to stay in a bad situation. you can rebuild.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
You MUST learn this right now...not only are you hurting yourself by staying in this marriage, you are hurting your children!! Common belief is that you stay in a marriage to have a child not come from a broken home, but truly it is already broken and they are not growing up in a house of love and won't understand how to have a relationship later on in life. You are teaching them to honor stability over love and happiness, sacrificing themselves for the sake of containment. I'm the product of divorced parents and hate that my mother stayed so long in hers. She used the excuse that she stayed for us, or more for my brother until he was out of high school, so we wouldn't have to go back and forth and deal with that. But instead she was unhappy, I grew seeing an unsuccessful marriage, an unhealthy arrangement of no love and very heated arguments. She realizes now what a mistake it was to stay so long. You need to get a divorce and you can allow your children to be involved in every aspect. They NEED to be in counseling and you all should probably go to one more counselor when you decide to divorce and have all four of you there. Children need to be heard and need to express themselves, and if you just tell them you are splitting, they will make it somehow their fault in their own minds, or try to take sides or resent one of the two parents, but with a counselor there, they can help to move past that. In addition, make sure your children don't get overlooked and that they can have another adult to talk to (like a close friend that you and they trust) that they can sort of bond with and tell certain things they wouldn't ordinarily tell you. It's very good that they have an adult that they are close to to talk to (and not a relative!). You can't worry so much about him. He's a grown man and he can handle himself. You need to work on your own self, and your children, and getting your own happiness so that you can raise your children in 2 loving homes. And NEVER, EVER speak poorly of your husband or he speak of you...kids are smart an in the end, they'll resent the one that was bad-mouthing. But get out of the marriage for you and your kids, and let yourself let him go and be independent. I wish you the best of luck!
Berlin Berlin 8 years
You MUST learn this right now...not only are you hurting yourself by staying in this marriage, you are hurting your children!! Common belief is that you stay in a marriage to have a child not come from a broken home, but truly it is already broken and they are not growing up in a house of love and won't understand how to have a relationship later on in life. You are teaching them to honor stability over love and happiness, sacrificing themselves for the sake of containment. I'm the product of divorced parents and hate that my mother stayed so long in hers. She used the excuse that she stayed for us, or more for my brother until he was out of high school, so we wouldn't have to go back and forth and deal with that. But instead she was unhappy, I grew seeing an unsuccessful marriage, an unhealthy arrangement of no love and very heated arguments. She realizes now what a mistake it was to stay so long. You need to get a divorce and you can allow your children to be involved in every aspect. They NEED to be in counseling and you all should probably go to one more counselor when you decide to divorce and have all four of you there. Children need to be heard and need to express themselves, and if you just tell them you are splitting, they will make it somehow their fault in their own minds, or try to take sides or resent one of the two parents, but with a counselor there, they can help to move past that. In addition, make sure your children don't get overlooked and that they can have another adult to talk to (like a close friend that you and they trust) that they can sort of bond with and tell certain things they wouldn't ordinarily tell you. It's very good that they have an adult that they are close to to talk to (and not a relative!). You can't worry so much about him. He's a grown man and he can handle himself. You need to work on your own self, and your children, and getting your own happiness so that you can raise your children in 2 loving homes. And NEVER, EVER speak poorly of your husband or he speak of you...kids are smart an in the end, they'll resent the one that was bad-mouthing. But get out of the marriage for you and your kids, and let yourself let him go and be independent. I wish you the best of luck!
TheMissus TheMissus 8 years
What do you mean the car is all you have? If you're not happy, and you've tried counseling, then you need to just come clean with him and say simply, "This doesn't work. We need to figure this out." I woudl suggest you consult a lawyer before you bring it up to him... Just so you know your options. "Is it realistic to go into it expecting stuff if you're the one choosing to leave?" That's stuff you'll want to know. If you really want out, don't stay for the kids.
TheMissus TheMissus 8 years
What do you mean the car is all you have?If you're not happy, and you've tried counseling, then you need to just come clean with him and say simply, "This doesn't work. We need to figure this out."I woudl suggest you consult a lawyer before you bring it up to him... Just so you know your options. "Is it realistic to go into it expecting stuff if you're the one choosing to leave?" That's stuff you'll want to know.If you really want out, don't stay for the kids.
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