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You Asked: I am in love with my married friend

Dear Sugar--

I have been best friends with a guy for 14 years, and about 8 years ago we realized that we had been in love all that time, but neither had the nerve to admit it. I moved to another country in the meantime and married and so did he. My marriage has since failed and his relationship to his wife has been awful. 6 years ago when I was visiting my old town, we met up and realized how deep our feelings for one another still were, and I´m sorry to admit it, but we did the unthinkable and slept together.

We both felt horrible about it and I broke off all contact after that, so that he could work things out with his wife and I could move on with my life.
Last September after almost 5 1/2 years, he contacted me, telling me that his feelings haven´t changed, his marriage is a disaster and that they want to get a divorce. He tells me that he wants to marry his one and only true love: me. In all the years of separation, I never stopped loving and thinking of him, but I am also riddled with guilt, because of our adultery. I prayed and tried to get over this guy, but love runs deep and I can´t let go. The problem is we´re in contact almost daily and even though we´re not engaging in sex, I know it´s wrong to be talking to him as long as he is married. I am going to visit family in my hometown soon and he wants to see me so that we can talk over his plans. I know that I won´t be able to resist intimacy once I see him, and even if he divorces I don´t want to make the same mistake again by sleeping with a married man, even if he might be my husband some day. What can i do? I have pined away for this guy for ages, but the guilt is just too much to live with again. -- Adulteress Abbi

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Adulteress Abbi --

This sounds like a real love triangle to say the least! It's pretty clear you and this man have a deep connection, so I respect your desire to not want to see him when you visit your hometown -- I think that is the right decision if you know you won't be able to keep things platonic. Be honest with him and let him know the guilt you are still harboring from your past tryst -- let him know how much you care for him and how excited you are for the potential to finally be together, but until things are settled between him and his wife, you need him to respect your desire to keep some distance from him.

Since you are clearly still guilt ridden, have you thought about seeing a therapist? Talking about your feelings and getting everything off your chest will instantly make you feel better. Unfortunately, what's done is done, so dwelling on the past is only going to make you feel worse. As wrong as it was, mistakes happen, so try to look towards the future instead of reliving the past.

With that said, it's pretty clear that you two need to have a serious chat. If this man is in such a terrible marriage, why is he still with his wife? 14 years is an incredibly long tome to be pining over a man, especially an unavailable one, so if he loves you like he said he does, he needs to leave his wife and get on with his life. This man sounds pretty selfish, he has been having his cake and eating it too for quite some time now, so making it a point to not see him is a smart move. I hope everything works out for you Abbi, hang in there and if it's meant to be, it will happen for you two!


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