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You Asked: I'm Another Girl With the Same Old Question

You Asked: I'm Another Girl With the Same Old Question

Dear Sugar,

I am a long time reader and a first time poster and my question for you is what am I doing wrong? I am a smart, pretty girl and just turned 31, but all through this time I have never had a boyfriend. I have joined some associations and I'm outgoing and funny, but every relationship I start ends in friendship. I've tried Internet dating and now my last effort is for a professional matchmaker. I am getting a bit tired of always being single. Can you help? — Boyfriend-less Becky

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Boyfriend-less Becky,

Though the dating game might feel like an uphill battle, remember that finding your Mr. Right is all about timing and chance. Most of the time there's nothing you can do better or differently to make meeting someone easier, it's just a waiting game. I'm glad to hear that you've made an effort to get yourself out there but just because you haven't met someone yet doesn't mean you won't. In other words, don't give up! As E. Jean brilliantly put it, if you place yourself where there are high numbers of men, it becomes a mathematical certainty that you will meet someone.

In the meantime, make sure your on-line profile highlights all your positive attributes, and by all means hire that professional matchmaker, why not! Use every angle you can to meet someone — ask your friends, your family members and your co-workers to set you up. It's also important to remember that eligible bachelors are lurking where you'd least expect it — the grocery store, the gym, your church or temple, even at the gas station or car wash — you name it, they're there so make sure you always look presentable and have at least one eye open. You say you're outgoing, but are you approachable? It's key to smile and genuinely look happy — no man wants to approach a grump!

I also advise you to give people a chance. Even if someone doesn't seem like your type, it might behoove you to give him a shot because going back to the same (wrong) guy could be the source of the problem. Be patient Becky and as cliché as it sounds, meeting the right person will most likely happen when you're least expecting it. Good luck!

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sorrowja sorrowja 8 years
I believe you'll find true love once you stop looking for it. Relax enjoy your freedom and single life. Love will hit you when you lease expect it . . . . trusted
kristinmarta kristinmarta 8 years
i am in a similar situation. it's so frustrating because after a certain point, i am left wondering if there is something wrong with me. but i have to believe that percy said so perfectly- he just hasn't shown up yet.just recently i was dating this great guy for about a month but i didn't feel a spark. i know he liked me- he was always inviting me places (his work party, road trip to lollapalooza, boating trips with his parents!) maybe he was moving too fast but basically it boiled down to the fact that it didn't feel right to me. it probably would have been fine, but if i didn't tee hee like him, then what's the point?maybe i am old fashioned and maybe i have seen too many movies but i believe that when you meet someone special you will know- maybe not right away, you will get a vibe. and i know that i would rather be single than fake it. i want to swoon not settle. is that too much to ask?i read this book called quirkyalone by sasha cagen-and i think it described me perfectly...i generally enjoy being single (though not opposed to being in a relationship) would rather be single than be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. maybe you are a quirkyalone? and it will just take a little more for you to be moved to be in a relationship...and there is nothing wrong with that.good luck and chin up!
kristinmarta kristinmarta 8 years
i am in a similar situation. it's so frustrating because after a certain point, i am left wondering if there is something wrong with me. but i have to believe that percy said so perfectly- he just hasn't shown up yet. just recently i was dating this great guy for about a month but i didn't feel a spark. i know he liked me- he was always inviting me places (his work party, road trip to lollapalooza, boating trips with his parents!) maybe he was moving too fast but basically it boiled down to the fact that it didn't feel right to me. it probably would have been fine, but if i didn't tee hee like him, then what's the point? maybe i am old fashioned and maybe i have seen too many movies but i believe that when you meet someone special you will know- maybe not right away, you will get a vibe. and i know that i would rather be single than fake it. i want to swoon not settle. is that too much to ask? i read this book called quirkyalone by sasha cagen-and i think it described me perfectly...i generally enjoy being single (though not opposed to being in a relationship) would rather be single than be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. maybe you are a quirkyalone? and it will just take a little more for you to be moved to be in a relationship...and there is nothing wrong with that. good luck and chin up!
almost-famous almost-famous 8 years
I myself am single.... Due to the fact that most men love a either "fit" or "curvy" women,I realized that and used this single time to work on myself... I'm working out, applying for jobs and making sure I don't let opportunities pass me by. However, that's going to be a hard one. For the time being, just work on yourself.
tiffsniff tiffsniff 8 years
I'm the exact same way! Lots of guy friends, a few that I've dated, but none ever turned into the elusive BF. (I'll be 30 next week!) I have a hard time being approachable, for one thing, but I think the biggest thing is that I'm just super-picky. I know what I want (read "Finding the Love of your Life" to be sure you know!) And most guys I meet, honestly, aren't what I'm looking for, either. And after watching friend after friend have BF's that left them unhappy or frustrated, because they compromised themselves, I think we're much better off being happy, successful, independent, single women, and that when the right guy finally comes along, we won't even have to think twice about it! Hang in there, and good luck!
austerity austerity 8 years
If you're smart and pretty and you're still not hooked up, it sounds like you're not flirtatious enough ;) You don't have to overdo it, just signal a little bit :)
gigill gigill 8 years
You know what they say...when you're not looking, that's when they'll come flooding in! Trust me, it works.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
Well because we don't know you I just hope that something someone says hits the nail on the head for you!First I'd like to say that you seriously shouldn't feel down about this what so ever because I know so many fantastic single women that this dilemma is seeming to become the norm nowadays! I'm just going to list some things that you should keep an eye on and be aware of and hopefully something helps. Some things are going to be superficial and crazy but I'm just trying to help out a fellow sugar the best I can.When you do get a date try to take things slow and not seem too eager to get into a relationship.Ever consider a makeover? Maybe you should take a look at the outfits and shoes your wearing on these dates. Making sure your not too over the top or frumpy. How about hair and makeup, could you use a refreshed updated look?Don't talk to a man like he's your buddy that your kicking back beers with. Of course women can hang with the best of them but maybe tone down your sports knowledge or drinking so you don't fall into a friend trap.Don't be too available and always jump at a chance to date when a man calls. This doesn't mean to play games it just means you should be able to show that you have a life and won't just drop everything for a guy.When out in the real world and if a man you think is cute looks your way try not to be shy and actually look him in the eye and smile at him! Hey even if its awkward the first dozen times at least you'll get a chance to perfect it. A lot of men just need the confidence to know its OK to approach you.Try to look your best always even if your just running out for milk...you never know, and you know how the universe works you always see the hot guy when you look a mess.Take note of your dinner conversations are you talking too much about yourself? Are you adding to the convo? Be aware of table manners. You can even plan ahead some fun conversation topics in case things go stale during dinner.Don't be too easy! I knew a girl who was ridiculously intelligent model type gorgeous and guys dumped her left and right because she was a fast ass.Hey I'm sure your a great catch and some of the things I suggested are probably not you AT ALL. I think your on the right track though with trying everything you can and getting advice anywhere you can. I'm sure you'll find the right guy soon. GOOD LUCK!!!P.S. One good thing with matchmakers...from what I've seen on tv...is that sometimes they will personally take you on a date first and evaluate you from how you look to your conversation. I think since your getting a matchmaker anyways you should find someone who does this because I think this will be your best feedback!
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
Well because we don't know you I just hope that something someone says hits the nail on the head for you! First I'd like to say that you seriously shouldn't feel down about this what so ever because I know so many fantastic single women that this dilemma is seeming to become the norm nowadays! I'm just going to list some things that you should keep an eye on and be aware of and hopefully something helps. Some things are going to be superficial and crazy but I'm just trying to help out a fellow sugar the best I can. When you do get a date try to take things slow and not seem too eager to get into a relationship. Ever consider a makeover? Maybe you should take a look at the outfits and shoes your wearing on these dates. Making sure your not too over the top or frumpy. How about hair and makeup, could you use a refreshed updated look? Don't talk to a man like he's your buddy that your kicking back beers with. Of course women can hang with the best of them but maybe tone down your sports knowledge or drinking so you don't fall into a friend trap. Don't be too available and always jump at a chance to date when a man calls. This doesn't mean to play games it just means you should be able to show that you have a life and won't just drop everything for a guy. When out in the real world and if a man you think is cute looks your way try not to be shy and actually look him in the eye and smile at him! Hey even if its awkward the first dozen times at least you'll get a chance to perfect it. A lot of men just need the confidence to know its OK to approach you. Try to look your best always even if your just running out for milk...you never know, and you know how the universe works you always see the hot guy when you look a mess. Take note of your dinner conversations are you talking too much about yourself? Are you adding to the convo? Be aware of table manners. You can even plan ahead some fun conversation topics in case things go stale during dinner. Don't be too easy! I knew a girl who was ridiculously intelligent model type gorgeous and guys dumped her left and right because she was a fast ass. Hey I'm sure your a great catch and some of the things I suggested are probably not you AT ALL. I think your on the right track though with trying everything you can and getting advice anywhere you can. I'm sure you'll find the right guy soon. GOOD LUCK!!! P.S. One good thing with matchmakers...from what I've seen on tv...is that sometimes they will personally take you on a date first and evaluate you from how you look to your conversation. I think since your getting a matchmaker anyways you should find someone who does this because I think this will be your best feedback!
ellwhy ellwhy 8 years
My husband and I have a friend in this same situation...only she's pushing 40 now. Her problem is that she's too eager to push a casual date into a full-fledged relationship. She told us one story where she met a guy at a sailing event on a Friday, they got along great and basically spent the whole weekend together, and then Sunday she asked him where he thought they were headed. She wanted us to tell her why he hadn't called!!! Maybe you need to cool your jets a little bit and just date casually for awhile -- don't worry about where something's headed, just enjoy the time you're spending with your dates.
Percy Percy 8 years
I read an articule recently where in China, there are classes to teach single girls how to find their other half - i.e. etiquette lessons, dating lessons, what to do, what to say/not to say etc...The featured company in this article claimed of the 20 girls/recent graduates, 18 of them got a boyfriend/into a relationship within 2 months of graduation...(hmmm...) I think there are a lot more smart, pretty, lovable people that are single and never been in a relationship that we hear/read about. I personally can sooooo identify with you - I am in the EXACT same boat. We can do the Cosmo love-quiz all we want to find out what the heck is not quite right with us, the truth of the matter is: he just hasn't shown up yet. Self-evaluation is important, of course. I personally know too well where I've gone wrong! I've met and dated some wonderful guys and now they are my buddies and on the other hand, I've had some psycho dudes professed their undying love for me within the first hour of our date... Sooooo, give and take, love and learn, learn to laugh. Sometimes you take one step forward then three steps backwards. Good on you for putting yourself out there and doing all these wonderful stuff - at least you are having fun and enriching your own life, which is the most important of all. Good luck Becky! I think we should give ourself a big hug, tomorrow is another day. P.S. The last guy I dated: after our 4th amazing date, (I thought to myself man, finally breaking the life-long drought) he came out and told me he was gay. Needless to say my gay-dar was in need of a desperate repair, as one of my closest friends is gay and I didn't see this one coming. I was apparently the first (and for sure) the last girl that he kissed...You just gotta laugh it off, right??
Percy Percy 8 years
I read an articule recently where in China, there are classes to teach single girls how to find their other half - i.e. etiquette lessons, dating lessons, what to do, what to say/not to say etc...The featured company in this article claimed of the 20 girls/recent graduates, 18 of them got a boyfriend/into a relationship within 2 months of graduation...(hmmm...)I think there are a lot more smart, pretty, lovable people that are single and never been in a relationship that we hear/read about. I personally can sooooo identify with you - I am in the EXACT same boat. We can do the Cosmo love-quiz all we want to find out what the heck is not quite right with us, the truth of the matter is: he just hasn't shown up yet.Self-evaluation is important, of course. I personally know too well where I've gone wrong! I've met and dated some wonderful guys and now they are my buddies and on the other hand, I've had some psycho dudes professed their undying love for me within the first hour of our date...Sooooo, give and take, love and learn, learn to laugh. Sometimes you take one step forward then three steps backwards. Good on you for putting yourself out there and doing all these wonderful stuff - at least you are having fun and enriching your own life, which is the most important of all. Good luck Becky! I think we should give ourself a big hug, tomorrow is another day.P.S. The last guy I dated: after our 4th amazing date, (I thought to myself man, finally breaking the life-long drought) he came out and told me he was gay. Needless to say my gay-dar was in need of a desperate repair, as one of my closest friends is gay and I didn't see this one coming. I was apparently the first (and for sure) the last girl that he kissed...You just gotta laugh it off, right??
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 8 years
I agree with popgpestheworld. When I was single, there was more than one guy that I really liked, and I thought I was being so obvious that I liked him, but he just wasn't interested. With one of those guys, years later we were back in touch and he told me he had a huge crush on me but thought I'd never go for him. My best friend also told me that I wasn't always approachable, and I realized she was right. I wasn't aware of how intimidating I could seem. Not that it's okay to dumb yourself down, but I am very independent, and I think I sent the signal that I didn't need anyone. Just goes to show that the signals you *think* you're putting out there might not be understood correctly.
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 8 years
I agree with popgpestheworld. When I was single, there was more than one guy that I really liked, and I thought I was being so obvious that I liked him, but he just wasn't interested. With one of those guys, years later we were back in touch and he told me he had a huge crush on me but thought I'd never go for him. My best friend also told me that I wasn't always approachable, and I realized she was right. I wasn't aware of how intimidating I could seem. Not that it's okay to dumb yourself down, but I am very independent, and I think I sent the signal that I didn't need anyone. Just goes to show that the signals you *think* you're putting out there might not be understood correctly.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I think in situations like these, the best thing to do is ask some trusted friends, perhaps even these men that have become your friends, if there is something that you are doing.I mean, what if these guys were all smitten, but you were playing too coy so they all eventually gave up? Or what if you wear a constant expression of anxiety when you are around men?I'm totally speculating here, but sometimes we're just not aware of how we come across to people.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I think in situations like these, the best thing to do is ask some trusted friends, perhaps even these men that have become your friends, if there is something that you are doing. I mean, what if these guys were all smitten, but you were playing too coy so they all eventually gave up? Or what if you wear a constant expression of anxiety when you are around men? I'm totally speculating here, but sometimes we're just not aware of how we come across to people.
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