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You Asked: I'm Homesick; Should I Move Back?

You Asked: I'm Homesick; Should I Move Back?

Dear Sugar,

I know most people write in and ask if they should move to be with their boyfriends; well I did, but now I'm having second thoughts. I lived in Indiana and moved to Arizona to be with my boyfriend. We were together a year long-distance before I moved. I love him, he treats me well and he is a great guy, but I am so homesick! I miss my family and friends terribly. I talk to him about moving back home, but he would never go back with me — he is from Indiana as well. It is wrong of me to think that he doesn't love me as much as I think he should because he wouldn't move back with me? We talk about marriage, and I want to be with him, but I'm just not happy here. Please help! — Homesick Hannah

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Dear Homesick Hannah,

Picking up and moving across the country is a huge adjustment, so try not to be too hard on yourself for being homesick — I think anyone in your position would feel the same way, including myself. Since I don't know how long you've been there, I can only give you general advice. First off, if you don't have a job, get one. Having a purpose there will help you become more acclimated. You also need to give yourself time to adapt to your new surroundings: join a gym, find your new favorite sandwich shop, get to know your neighbors, etc. Once you've established a new routine, making friends will become a lot easier.

It sounds to me like you really love your boyfriend, but just because he doesn't share your same desire to live in Indiana, it doesn't mean he loves you any less. With that said, he should be sensitive of your unhappiness right now and willing to do his part to build a life together in Arizona, so if he's not in this with you, something has got to change. Keeping the lines of communication open is going to be crucial while you make this transition, but after giving it some time, if things still don't feel right, you need to do what's going to make you happy — with or without your boyfriend. This process won't happen overnight, so if you can tough it out for a little bit longer, hopefully all the pieces will fall into place. If not, I'm sure your friends and family will welcome you back home with open arms and you can at least know that you tried.

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Berlin Berlin 7 years
But think if it were turned around, we'd all be saying how selfish he was and controlling if he wanted her to move back and said that she really didnt love him if she wouldn't leave the life she's wanting to live b/c he wasn't ready move away from the shelter of home. He wants to build his life and she jumped before she was ready. It isn't his fault and he can't be blamed because he wants to build his future. It is her fault b/c she should have though it through fully and now she's going to rush back to move home, which shows immaturity instead of just trying to grow up and deal with how you want your future to be. She's already to give up and say he doesn't love her b/c he won't break his plans and should move? It's not only late but selfish and I think it very hypocritical of those defending her when we all know we'd be hard on him if it were he that was trying to hold her back.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
the only reason i said that is because their entire family lives in philly, and he STILL doesn't want to move there. he should respect the fact that her family means a lot to her, for the future! it's not a debate over whose family is more important, because they both live in the same place that's the only reason i made that comment. trust me, i'm all about compromising on location for love, but this is a weird situation where the guy is being selfish after the girl tried her hardest to make it work out of her own element
MissFonzie MissFonzie 7 years
I'm in a very similar situation. I moved to Seattle with my boyfriend in July and have had a difficult time because I miss everyone at home in Illinois and I am still struggling to find a job. I've talked to my boyfriend about moving back to Illinois one day, but he's not too keen on the idea. I don't think he loves me any less because of it. I know that his reasoning involves the wonderful job he got and I would never ask him to leave it. Adjusting to a new place takes quite a while, but I think it's best to approach it as an opportunity to get out and explore the location as well as your own interests. You never know, you may find something new and exciting that you love that will help make Arizona feel more like home.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
First, I think that his love for you has nothing to do with him not wanting to move back. You cannot expect to be his ONLY priority; even though I understand that it hurts, but there are some sacrifices you can't ask of people; he may be able to do others that you wouldn't in return? I strongly believe that in any relationship, there is a point at which one has to follow the other; and it probably alternates. This was your time to follow him. I hope my story helps you a little bit. I actually moved away from home by myself 11 years ago. And when I met my boyfriend, who was from my home country, three years ago, I was hoping he would end up moving to the States with me. But he clearly didn't want to, because his career was taking off, and he needed his partners to continue in that direction (and it's hard to convince 3 people to all move across the world!) So I'm the one who moved! And I didn't move to an unknown part of the world; I moved back HOME! After 10 years away from my childhood friends and my parents, and a year 1/2 of long distance with him, I was elated to finally be back. But I've been here for 18 months now, and it's so much harder to adapt than I thought it would. The first couple of months were great, because I was so in love and so happy to see everyone; but then reality set in, and it's a whole different ballgame. I had to start from scratch. Redo my whole career. Make a new name for myself. Meet new friends, since old ones had changed, moved on, become busy. Rediscover my culture, my food, and even the quality of the air! I had horrible allergies to the food and the pollens and the pollution for MONTHS after I arrived. It was awful! I missed all my New York habits, and my friends. I missed being me, comfortable in my environment. I missed being independent, my apartment, my style of clothing. I missed finding work easily, and having money. I'm a very sociable, very active person. Yet, 18 months later, I am only just starting to feel like I belong here. I've made new friends, found my marks, started doing work at my level of expertise, making money, and decorating an apartment that it took me almost a year to find. It's been a very long, very difficult journey to re-adapt to my own country. Weird, huh? So I understand what you are going through, and I have only one piece of advice: take your time. Be proactive about making your new life comfortable for YOU. Join groups, gyms, find work, take classes, go out. Put yourself out there as much as possible. Walk around your new city and take photos (yes, I'm a photographer, so that's how I appropriate a place - but I have a feeling that it could work for other people too!). And, visit home! Go back as often as you can, and try to integrate that it is not your home anymore, but the place where you come from. Your family, your old friends, will not stop loving you. With the internet and the phone, you can stay in touch as much as you like. Give it time, and try to find the new you; I know how a change of scenery is abrupt on a personality; you suddenly feel so different. I am not "the French Girl" anymore; everyone is French here! So that thing that made me so special in New York is suddenly completely worthless here. It was a strange adjustment - see, now I've become "the girl who lived in New York for ten years", and that's just as cool - LOL. Don't give up until you have really tried to make a new life for yourself where you are now, with the man you love; because that is the way of life: at some point, you leave your family to start your own. But in the end, if you are not happy, maybe it's also because you simply don't like that town, and you need to find another one; or maybe you're not made for trying out a new life, and that's perfectly okay. Life is not for being miserable, so if you want to go home - then go home! There is no shame in that. I don't know how long you've been there, but I'm thinking you just need to give it a bit more time, and be very proactive about making your own place in this new environment. Good luck!
beautiful-disaster beautiful-disaster 7 years
"I can see why she would question it, isn't this relationship equal? She was willing to move for him, why can't he do the same?" tha isnt fair. she knew what she was getting herself into, and now some are saying HE is selfish? he has probably made it clear Indiana isnt where he wants live BEFORE she moved out to AZ to be with him. and now she wants him to move back there, and let HIM be miserable so that she can happy. give it a chance. i moved here 4 years ago, i was sooooo unhappy, i had been in NY before and i loved it. it took about a year to settle in properly, make friends etc (and i was in highschool!) its exactly what my mother is doing to my father: my dad is a diplomat, every 3 or 4 years the family picks up and moves contries (im now in argentina, my parents moved again last year) and my mother is saying its not fair, its horrible how much we move... but thats the life she chose FROM THE START. you have to make an effort, go out and do things that will let you meet new people, join a cake making class, a language course... anything. and definetly get a job that will occupy some time of the day.
TidalWave TidalWave 7 years
I have moved across the country twice; once for a boyfriend, once for myself. Both times was hard but I got a job, got some hobbies, met people and made a new life for myself in the new places. Meeting people and finding things that you like there will really help you. Use www.meetup.com to find activities/hobbies and www.yelp.com to find new eateries. I looooooooooooooooove Arizona and am absolutely jealous that you are living there! If I had a choice between AZ and IN; lol it would be AZ in a heartbeat! but i know for you, it is all about the people. However, I would try to take advantage of what you have there. Get out and explore places!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
I can see why she would question it, isn't this relationship equal? She was willing to move for him, why can't he do the same?
sushibananas sushibananas 7 years
I have to agree with DearSugar. Not knowing how long Homesick Hannah has been in Arizona makes it harder to give advice. I've lived in a handful of cities in California, and just recently, overseas for five years. I truly believe it takes about a year to get into a routine, plant some roots and figure it out. But as DearSugar said, you have to make some effort, find work, make new friends, find your favorite restaurant, etc. Overall, the experience of living in a new town, a new state, or even a new country can be the most rewarding of your life - if you give it a chance. You learn a heck of a lot about yourself! What's more, that first time you actually go back "home" you may recognize that you've idealized your home town and that it's not all that you've been pining for! Good luck Hannah!
cubadog cubadog 7 years
"he doesn't want to be with you enough to be with you in indianathat's a problem"I completely disagree with this statement as well. The same can be said of you. You need to decide if are mature enough to handle this commitment if you can not learn to compromise than maybe you need to end the relationship and move back to Indiana.
cubadog cubadog 7 years
"he doesn't want to be with you enough to be with you in indiana that's a problem" I completely disagree with this statement as well. The same can be said of you. You need to decide if are mature enough to handle this commitment if you can not learn to compromise than maybe you need to end the relationship and move back to Indiana.
Berlin Berlin 7 years
You sound very young and not ready to handle a mature relationship. If you believe that his love is conditional like that then it just shows that you really should move back home and be with your family. He's ready to move on and make a life for himself and you simply sound a bit selfish in that you're assuming his love isn't enough to move back with you. Why should he sacrifice his wants because you can't handle a move? He wants to grow up, and you want to be sheltered by your family. If you aren't ready for the move then that is fine, and you should return to your family and stay grounded in that atmosphere until you are ready to venture out on your own. But to say his love isn't enough because you want to move and he doesn't? Can't he say the same? That you don't love him b/c you won't stay? He isn't saying that b/c it's not only foolish but very immature. Go back with your family and break off the relationship, but do it b/c you need to grow up a lot first, not because of anything he's done. He wants to begin his life, not regress back to childhood!
Berlin Berlin 7 years
You sound very young and not ready to handle a mature relationship. If you believe that his love is conditional like that then it just shows that you really should move back home and be with your family. He's ready to move on and make a life for himself and you simply sound a bit selfish in that you're assuming his love isn't enough to move back with you. Why should he sacrifice his wants because you can't handle a move? He wants to grow up, and you want to be sheltered by your family. If you aren't ready for the move then that is fine, and you should return to your family and stay grounded in that atmosphere until you are ready to venture out on your own. But to say his love isn't enough because you want to move and he doesn't? Can't he say the same? That you don't love him b/c you won't stay? He isn't saying that b/c it's not only foolish but very immature. Go back with your family and break off the relationship, but do it b/c you need to grow up a lot first, not because of anything he's done. He wants to begin his life, not regress back to childhood!
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 7 years
"he doesn't want to be with you enough to be with you in indianathat's a problem"I don't find this statement to be correct. it works both ways. she doesn't want to stay there for him either. i realize you are homesick but this is part of growing up. you grow up move out and move on. you didnt have to move but you did. As dearsugar said, im not sure how long youve been there but you need to try and let yourself adjust. If you love this man and want a future and family with him you need to allow that to happen and let go of what youre used to. its a big change but i think it will all be worth it in the end. good luck!
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 7 years
"he doesn't want to be with you enough to be with you in indiana that's a problem" I don't find this statement to be correct. it works both ways. she doesn't want to stay there for him either. i realize you are homesick but this is part of growing up. you grow up move out and move on. you didnt have to move but you did. As dearsugar said, im not sure how long youve been there but you need to try and let yourself adjust. If you love this man and want a future and family with him you need to allow that to happen and let go of what youre used to. its a big change but i think it will all be worth it in the end. good luck!
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
I moved from NY to VA, and next week I am moving from VA to FL for my boyfriend. At first, I missed NY terribly. I still love it, it has my heart, but I have opened myself up to somewhere else. I never thought that in nine months I could become horribly attached to VA, but I will cry next week when I leave -- because I am. My BF has no plans on going back to NY -- I would love to. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it just means that it's not in his plans. I, personally, would live wherever and do whatever for him, even if it means moving to bumblef*ck, Kansas. I am sure Florida will be lovely, but for now, I am mourning not only moving farther away from NY, but moving away from my new home of VA.
julieulie julieulie 7 years
Not being willing to live anywhere with you doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. I disagree completely with skigurl. He may have very valid reasons for not wanting to return to Indiana. I, personally, really dislike Philadelphia and don't particularly want to live there, but it is the only place that my husband wants to settle down and live, since it's where he grew up. The fact that he only wants to live there and isn't willing to compromise on that doesn't mean that he doesn't love me any less. Besides, relationships are about overall compromise -- if he's not willing to budge on this, if you think long term, there will be things that he will compromise on the future that you will want. Involve yourself in the community, like DearSugar suggested, and things will get a lot easier. But just because he won't pack up and move back home doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
he doesn't want to be with you enough to be with you in indianathat's a problem...he should be willing to compromise in the future if you were willing to relocate to make your relationship work in the past
skigurl skigurl 7 years
he doesn't want to be with you enough to be with you in indiana that's a problem...he should be willing to compromise in the future if you were willing to relocate to make your relationship work in the past
jessie jessie 7 years
*doesn't love you*.....i sooooo need a edit button...grr..
jessie jessie 7 years
give yourself time honey.....i moved from indiana to oregon about 9 months ago...hubs got a job out here...and within 3 wks..we moved our family. so i know you you feel. your boyfriend loves you very much, just because he doesn't want to move back doens't imply that he doesn't. he sees a future out there. it always take a while to get used to. to find new friends, finding all the new places, but YOU have to decide if what YOU want. but if you make a choice to move back home, make sure that is really what you want....you might lose a great man in the process. staying in touch with your family with email, phone, texting, look for deals on air fares when you can. family with always be important......but remember.....never live your life around them. live life for YOU
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