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You Asked: I'm Stuck Between My Parents and My Girlfriend

You Asked: I'm Stuck Between My Parents and My Girlfriend

Dear Sugar,

Last year I started dating a good friend of mine. We had a great relationship except we had to hide it from everyone. She was out and proud but she was my first girlfriend and I wasn't ready for everyone to know my secret. I started traveling a lot and my girlfriend broke up with me. She immediately started dating a new girl, but when I would come home, we would still get together and no matter how many times she hurt me, I would always go back to her. When we are together it is like none of the bad times ever happened.

Fast forward a few months, we started dating again, but this time rumors started to spread. My parents found out and made me choose between them and her. I chose my family and she was hurt and angry. We got back together and did the make-up/break-up thing for awhile (every time we were off, she went back to her ex). Everything was going great, and I was planning on telling my parents the truth, but they ended up finding out we were back through her blog. They learned that I had lied to them for months — they already don't like her, but now they can't stand her.

In an attempt to stay connected with my parents, I stopped seeing her. I have tried to completely cut her out of my life, but we are involved in a lot of the same things — we play on the same team and have the same friends. Even though she is back together with her ex, I still love her. I want to have a chance to be with her and forget about everything else. I can't help but feel that if I don't give it one fair chance then I will forever wonder what would have happened, but at the same time, I don't want to lose my parents. Please help.

— Torn in Two Taryn

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Torn in Two Taryn,

This sounds like a very complicated situation. If your parents don't like her because they don't approve of who she is as person, it's a different issue than them not approving of her because she's a woman. If the latter is the case, then it's not about making a choice between them, but being true to yourself. Even if you don't end up with this girl, there will be another girl that you will have to introduce as your girlfriend, so the first step would be opening up to your parents about your sexuality. It may be painful, but not being true to who you are will only lead to long-term unhappiness.

However, if your parents just don't like this particular girl then you might want to talk to them about it. Ask them what it is that they dislike and try to get their feel for the situation. I think oftentimes we discount our parents opinions when we should at least hear them out — whether we like to accept it or not, they do have a few more years of experience on us. Additionally, the fact that your girlfriend keeps finding herself in the arms of that other woman is a bit concerning. If you do pursue a relationship with her, I think you need to make sure that you're both making some changes. There's no point in going through the exact same relationship over and over again if you already know how it ends. I hope I was of some help and good luck.

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CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
did anyone else laugh at the "we play for the same team" line? just saying
Advah Advah 8 years
Excellent advice, Dear. :)
Advah Advah 8 years
Excellent advice, Dear. :)
drinkerofh2o drinkerofh2o 8 years
Dear Sugar, thank you so much for including LGBTs on the site. We are not included in many of my favorite magazines, which has always frustrated me. No matter the orientation, people involved in relationships have many of the same questions and concerns, so many of these posts apply to most people regardless of orientation, gender, or race.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
First off, BIG HUGS!I'm sorry your parents aren't being supportive. No matter what the situation they should support you and help you through things. No parents should give their children an ultimatum that involves cutting off ties with you. I agree that it doesn't sound like this woman is any good for you AT ALL. And I am sure it is hard because she was your first love, and it is not easy to let go of that. But I think you will be better off if you do.I think the best thing for you to do would be to get away from both your parents and the girlfriend. I'm not saying never talk to your parents, but if there's a possibility you can live on your own (and you are of age) I would take it. I think you need to find out who YOU are independent of your parents, and out of this unhealthy relationship. If your parents don't like the relationship because of the same sex nature, then I really send you even more hugs. That is so hard. But please trust that almost all parents come round to this when they are faced with the prospect of losing you forever. You might benefit from going to a Group Therapy for other people your age who are coming out and dealing with similar issues.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
First off, BIG HUGS! I'm sorry your parents aren't being supportive. No matter what the situation they should support you and help you through things. No parents should give their children an ultimatum that involves cutting off ties with you. I agree that it doesn't sound like this woman is any good for you AT ALL. And I am sure it is hard because she was your first love, and it is not easy to let go of that. But I think you will be better off if you do. I think the best thing for you to do would be to get away from both your parents and the girlfriend. I'm not saying never talk to your parents, but if there's a possibility you can live on your own (and you are of age) I would take it. I think you need to find out who YOU are independent of your parents, and out of this unhealthy relationship. If your parents don't like the relationship because of the same sex nature, then I really send you even more hugs. That is so hard. But please trust that almost all parents come round to this when they are faced with the prospect of losing you forever. You might benefit from going to a Group Therapy for other people your age who are coming out and dealing with similar issues.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
ok...so your parents don't like her because of the lesbian thing?? or because she's rotten???? cause she totally sounds ROTTEN to me!I mean if your parents know enough to look at her BLOG??? WHAT is she posting??? I doubt is unicorns and flowers....If my daughter was a lesbian and she wanted to date a 'known' skank...the lesbian part would have NOTHING to do with it!get counselling...find your self-worth...you don't necesarily stay with the first person that says "i love you"...especially when she treats you so bad...
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
ok...so your parents don't like her because of the lesbian thing?? or because she's rotten???? cause she totally sounds ROTTEN to me! I mean if your parents know enough to look at her BLOG??? WHAT is she posting??? I doubt is unicorns and flowers....If my daughter was a lesbian and she wanted to date a 'known' skank...the lesbian part would have NOTHING to do with it! get counselling...find your self-worth...you don't necesarily stay with the first person that says "i love you"...especially when she treats you so bad...
plasticapple plasticapple 8 years
This sounds like a toxic relationship. Your family is way more important than this girl. I know it seems impossible, but you'll eventually meet someone new and wonder what you ever saw in this girl.
plasticapple plasticapple 8 years
This sounds like a toxic relationship. Your family is way more important than this girl. I know it seems impossible, but you'll eventually meet someone new and wonder what you ever saw in this girl.
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 8 years
Most of the time, it's the people who are forcing you to make a choice that aren't doing the right thing. Your parents may not like this dramatic offbeat relationship of yours, but trying to control you and being manipulative in asking you to "choose" won't work forever. you may date someone else they don't like again, and then what? are you just going to have to jump ship every time that happens?I think it's time to talk to your parents about there being a separation between what they can and cannot control. tell them that you welcome their opinion, but it's just that: their opinion, and to force you to choose is not only unhealthy, but it puts you at a disadvantage. It's not really about whether the girl is even a good person or not- parents shouldn't be this involved in relationships anyways (excluding mental/physical abuse). they probably won't like that, so be prepared for some backlash. but unless you're younger than 18, it really is your life.
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 8 years
Most of the time, it's the people who are forcing you to make a choice that aren't doing the right thing. Your parents may not like this dramatic offbeat relationship of yours, but trying to control you and being manipulative in asking you to "choose" won't work forever. you may date someone else they don't like again, and then what? are you just going to have to jump ship every time that happens? I think it's time to talk to your parents about there being a separation between what they can and cannot control. tell them that you welcome their opinion, but it's just that: their opinion, and to force you to choose is not only unhealthy, but it puts you at a disadvantage. It's not really about whether the girl is even a good person or not- parents shouldn't be this involved in relationships anyways (excluding mental/physical abuse). they probably won't like that, so be prepared for some backlash. but unless you're younger than 18, it really is your life.
JessBear JessBear 8 years
Join a lesbian support group or something similar in your town (or the next town over if you're still scared). I think that you're probably still very uncomfortable with your sexuality, and that you have no idea how to meet and date. This woman is, essentially, the only woman available to you, and that makes an already hard to escape situation even worse. I think if you met other people who are dealing with the same issues as you, maybe made some new friends, you'd find that this girl isn't really what you want after all- and you'll find a girl who is.
almost-famous almost-famous 8 years
It still hasn't occurred to me why there aren't a good variety of dating books for lesbians and bisexual women...Most of us need this knowledge just as much as straight women...
almost-famous almost-famous 8 years
It still hasn't occurred to me why there aren't a good variety of dating books for lesbians and bisexual women... Most of us need this knowledge just as much as straight women...
red4bonez red4bonez 8 years
it is the hardest thing to chose between parents and a girlfriend. But from what you wrote, I don't think that girl is worth it. She keeps going back to her ex and I really don't think she would be there for you. Your parents don't like her for a reason. Did they like her when you guys were just friends? I mean think about it, relationships are hard but are they supposed to be that hard? You do need to talk to your parents. Tell them whatever is on your mind but leave that girl outta it.I REALLY THINK YOU WANT TO GIVE HER A TRY AND GO BACK OVER AND OVER AGAIN BECAUSE SHE WAS YOUR FIRST GIRLFRIEND.You really have to think about that because I think you should find someone who would be there for you no matter how scared you are toi come out to your parents and not go back to her ex every time you have an argument. You know what I mean? Find someone that will love you as much as you love them. It is hard to come out especially to parents and you need someone that will support you through those times. Drop her, she is really not worth it. Good Luck
red4bonez red4bonez 8 years
it is the hardest thing to chose between parents and a girlfriend. But from what you wrote, I don't think that girl is worth it. She keeps going back to her ex and I really don't think she would be there for you. Your parents don't like her for a reason. Did they like her when you guys were just friends? I mean think about it, relationships are hard but are they supposed to be that hard? You do need to talk to your parents. Tell them whatever is on your mind but leave that girl outta it. I REALLY THINK YOU WANT TO GIVE HER A TRY AND GO BACK OVER AND OVER AGAIN BECAUSE SHE WAS YOUR FIRST GIRLFRIEND. You really have to think about that because I think you should find someone who would be there for you no matter how scared you are toi come out to your parents and not go back to her ex every time you have an argument. You know what I mean? Find someone that will love you as much as you love them. It is hard to come out especially to parents and you need someone that will support you through those times. Drop her, she is really not worth it. Good Luck
blingbling blingbling 8 years
You have two issues - your staying in an unhealthy relationship and your parents not accepting your homosexuality.As for the relationship - I'd move on. She can't possibly have the same feelings for you if she moves on so easily every time you break up - and I would be shocked, actually if she wasn't seeing both you AND the ex at the same time. Bottom line is you deserve to be treated better. As for your girlfriend being angry you chose your parents over her - that, I can understand. You can't keep doing that forever if you're going to be gay. She's out and so probably can't deal with someone who would make that choice.You need to lay it out for your parents. Leave the girl out of it - if you are gay then they need to accept you (and whoever ends up being in your life) and not threaten you. If your parents can't accept you for who you are, then yeah, I think you should maybe stop communicating with them. It's sad, but sometimes that's the way it has to be, at least until they get used to the idea. I'm sure there are plenty of gay/lesbian support groups that would help you with dealing with unaccepting parents.
blingbling blingbling 8 years
You have two issues - your staying in an unhealthy relationship and your parents not accepting your homosexuality. As for the relationship - I'd move on. She can't possibly have the same feelings for you if she moves on so easily every time you break up - and I would be shocked, actually if she wasn't seeing both you AND the ex at the same time. Bottom line is you deserve to be treated better. As for your girlfriend being angry you chose your parents over her - that, I can understand. You can't keep doing that forever if you're going to be gay. She's out and so probably can't deal with someone who would make that choice. You need to lay it out for your parents. Leave the girl out of it - if you are gay then they need to accept you (and whoever ends up being in your life) and not threaten you. If your parents can't accept you for who you are, then yeah, I think you should maybe stop communicating with them. It's sad, but sometimes that's the way it has to be, at least until they get used to the idea. I'm sure there are plenty of gay/lesbian support groups that would help you with dealing with unaccepting parents.
JovianSkies JovianSkies 8 years
How many more chances are you going to give her? Sounds like every time you've started your relationship again, she takes advantage of you. It must be working out really well for her! Every time she gets bored of you, she can just 'break up', and start drama with the other girl, knowing that eventually, you'll take her back. She's such a ho, and you deserve better! It's obvious that it's not a serious relationship she's looking for. Personally, I'd just become more comfortable with myself before seeking a partner. Once you've become established with who you are, you'll be strong and clear-headed enough to nurture a relationship :-) Don't worry about your parents, though. They'll love you, regardless of your sexual preferences.
JovianSkies JovianSkies 8 years
How many more chances are you going to give her? Sounds like every time you've started your relationship again, she takes advantage of you. It must be working out really well for her! Every time she gets bored of you, she can just 'break up', and start drama with the other girl, knowing that eventually, you'll take her back. She's such a ho, and you deserve better! It's obvious that it's not a serious relationship she's looking for. Personally, I'd just become more comfortable with myself before seeking a partner. Once you've become established with who you are, you'll be strong and clear-headed enough to nurture a relationship :-) Don't worry about your parents, though. They'll love you, regardless of your sexual preferences.
kaenai kaenai 8 years
So far, I agree with all the comments above. Talk to your parents and find out why they don't like your having a relationship with your girlfriend. They need to know what your feelings are on the matter, and you need to know theirs. They need to know it's not okay for them to try to manipulate you in matters of the heart.But the young lady you speak of doesn't seem to have it all together, either. It's one thing for her to have found someone else, but it's another thing to keep running back to her ex. Either you or her ex is the rebound-girl, and that is really uncool. If you're determined to be with her, you should talk to her and let her know that it makes you uncomfortable.Consider, though, that it may not be in your best interest to be in a relationship with so much drama when you are still obviously conflicted with your 'coming out' experience.
kaenai kaenai 8 years
So far, I agree with all the comments above. Talk to your parents and find out why they don't like your having a relationship with your girlfriend. They need to know what your feelings are on the matter, and you need to know theirs. They need to know it's not okay for them to try to manipulate you in matters of the heart. But the young lady you speak of doesn't seem to have it all together, either. It's one thing for her to have found someone else, but it's another thing to keep running back to her ex. Either you or her ex is the rebound-girl, and that is really uncool. If you're determined to be with her, you should talk to her and let her know that it makes you uncomfortable. Consider, though, that it may not be in your best interest to be in a relationship with so much drama when you are still obviously conflicted with your 'coming out' experience.
Meike Meike 8 years
Family is important but you cannot live under their rules and be who they want you to be. You need to be yourself. Of course, it's going to take them time to get accustomed to your sexual orientation. If they're extremely conservative, obviously, it's going to be a difficult adjustment and you'll have to deal with it. It's either that or lie to yourself. Whatever you do, don't change who you are. If you love your girlfriend, continue to be with her and love her. You aren't doing anything wrong.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I agree it's important to figure out if your parents will hate any woman you bring home, simply because they're not men... or, if they don't like this girl. It sounds like your relationship has been rocky and has been a whirlwind of making up and breaking up. If that's ALL because you didn't want to come out of the closet, that's one thing, but it sounds like there is more to it.I honestly think you should try to move on. Your ex seems to have no problem going back to her ex every time you break up, which seems strange to me. I'd personally take it as your first love, your first heartbreak, learn from it, and move on.Easier said than done, I know. But I think there will be someone better suited to you that will come along.
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