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You Asked: I'm Worried He May Cheat

You Asked: I'm Worried He May Cheat

Dear Sugar--

I don't know if I should continue with the relationship I am in. We don't really ever argue, but I always feel like I'm holding him back in some way since he wants more from our relationship. I also don't feel secure enough to trust him, even though he has never given me any reason to think he would ever cheat on me. I don't know if I am sabotaging the relationship because I am scared or if I have valid reasons....help.

--Unsure Shannon

To see DEARSUGAR’s answer

Dear Unsure Shannon—

From what you're telling me here, it sounds like you may be into this guy, but you’re too nervous about the possibility of getting hurt that you're not letting yourself get close to him. If you are constantly worried that things won’t work out, then you’ll never allow yourself to fully enjoy and experience what could be an amazing relationship. That’s not fair to you or to him.

Since you have these trust issues but admit that there isn’t anything he’s ever done to cause you to not trust him, the issue lies with you. If someone has wronged you in the past, then I can see why you may be apprehensive, but you’ve got to focus on the present moment. Not all guys are lying, cheating jerks, so try to put that out of your mind and give this relationship a chance.

You should know that everyone feels scared and vulnerable when they let someone else into their heart. I suggest talking to your boyfriend openly about your insecurities and explain that you’re nervous about being hurt and rejected. I’m sure he’ll admit he feels the same way. Talking about your feelings will make you both feel more at ease and will deepen your connection and trust level. You can't give up before you've given this relationship a try. Good luck.

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PopCultureJunkie PopCultureJunkie 9 years
This sounds exactly like me. Look, if he tells you he's crazy about you and he has given you no reason to think he would ever cheat, don't let your irrational fears get the better of you and sabotage your relationship or you will regret it for the rest of your life. You sound like you've found a really decent guy, and that makes you a lucky gal, so don't assume that just because he's a guy, he's a cheater. I did that and it caused a lot of problems for me and my guy. Luckily for me, he was patient enough to work through my issues with me and we're still together. But I hate to think that I might have lost him by being paranoid, irrational and by pushing him away. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
PopCultureJunkie PopCultureJunkie 9 years
This sounds exactly like me.Look, if he tells you he's crazy about you and he has given you no reason to think he would ever cheat, don't let your irrational fears get the better of you and sabotage your relationship or you will regret it for the rest of your life. You sound like you've found a really decent guy, and that makes you a lucky gal, so don't assume that just because he's a guy, he's a cheater. I did that and it caused a lot of problems for me and my guy. Luckily for me, he was patient enough to work through my issues with me and we're still together. But I hate to think that I might have lost him by being paranoid, irrational and by pushing him away. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Ikandy Ikandy 9 years
Im so going through the exact same feelings, except Im engaged to my boyfriend 4 a year. I feel like were into roomate zone and dont really have the same intimacy anymore...Sometimes I think were having a bad work week, hes tired, Im tired...What bothers me the most is that I know hes completely oblivious to whats happening with us...This is the longest relationship Ive had, so Im in unfamiliar territory. Im sick of being the 1 to always have to bring up relationship/emotional issues. Its hard to bring up, esp if he thinks everything is fine. I have been hurt by someone in the past and maybe Im insecure... Anyway, good luck unsure Shannon, I hope u figure out if this guy is right 4 u...I might need some luck too!
Ikandy Ikandy 9 years
Im so going through the exact same feelings, except Im engaged to my boyfriend 4 a year. I feel like were into roomate zone and dont really have the same intimacy anymore...Sometimes I think were having a bad work week, hes tired, Im tired...What bothers me the most is that I know hes completely oblivious to whats happening with us...This is the longest relationship Ive had, so Im in unfamiliar territory. Im sick of being the 1 to always have to bring up relationship/emotional issues. Its hard to bring up, esp if he thinks everything is fine. I have been hurt by someone in the past and maybe Im insecure...Anyway, good luck unsure Shannon, I hope u figure out if this guy is right 4 u...I might need some luck too!
JuJuSugar JuJuSugar 9 years
I know exactly how you feel. Trust is one of the most hugest issues you face in a relationship. It really takes time and effort. Just take it easy and let yourself trust him slowly.I agree with DearSugar - you have to remember that not all guys are the cheating type. So just let his behaviour be your guide. If he is faithful and treating you well, you should do your part and start to trust him a little. It's hard to open up, I know it myself first-hand, but think of it as give and take. It's how you should contribute towards the relationship.Most importantly, give it time and be confident in yourself.I think being confident in yourself and the relationship is one of the things you've got to focus on. That way you won't need to be scared of him cheating and being unfaithful to you. Wish you luck and confidence! :)
JuJuSugar JuJuSugar 9 years
I know exactly how you feel. Trust is one of the most hugest issues you face in a relationship. It really takes time and effort. Just take it easy and let yourself trust him slowly. I agree with DearSugar - you have to remember that not all guys are the cheating type. So just let his behaviour be your guide. If he is faithful and treating you well, you should do your part and start to trust him a little. It's hard to open up, I know it myself first-hand, but think of it as give and take. It's how you should contribute towards the relationship. Most importantly, give it time and be confident in yourself. I think being confident in yourself and the relationship is one of the things you've got to focus on. That way you won't need to be scared of him cheating and being unfaithful to you. Wish you luck and confidence! :)
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
It sounds like its just you and not him. Stacysanso said it perfectly. I know that its much much much much much much easier said than done, because I'm in a similar situation right now. I wonder how long you have been in the relationship because like stacysanso said it takes time to build it up through lots of experiences where he proves his trustworthyness, so if it hasn't been that long, don't worry, you will gain trust over time. Be glad that he has not done anything to lose your trust, it is much harder to gain trust back than to let yourself trust in the first place (as hard as that seems). Just put your heart out there and don't let it hold you back, thats all you can do, its like the saying, its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. No matter what happens, (and in this case I think it will be something good since you are worrying for no reason)good or bad, you will be ok, and will have learned from the experience. I think you will have a wonderful happy relationship once you guys have both decided to trust each other. Good luck!!! :-)
stacysanso stacysanso 9 years
Oh, one more thing, keep in mind: Don't dwell on your fears. You may feel them but don't harbor them. It's your responsibility to yourself to know that they are there - but know that by keeping your fears so close to the surface, can actually make them become your reality. So, for example, by saying to yourself everyday, He's gonna cheat, will he cheat, your partner will feel your energy (unsettled, confused, unsure). Your confusion may lead him to feel insecure in the relationship as well, therefore, causing him to ACTUALLY CHEAT! So don't make the same mistake I made once. I literally brought it on myself just because I worried so much about it. Hope this is helpful. Demand only positive affirmations for yourself! It's unbelievable how it really works. Say to yourself everyday and make yourself see what a great guy he is, in turn you will lead him to that path of him wanting to be the guy he knows you expect him to be. It really works!
stacysanso stacysanso 9 years
Hi! I'm 30 years old, have a had 3 serious relationships and am now married for 3 years, and I will honestly admit, I felt the same things you described during the first 2 years of each of my last 3 relationships. (The 3rd - is my current husband). What I wanted to say is that I really think we all feel/felt what you are experiencing and I think it's normal. All of my girlfriends expressed similar emotions. I really questioned it too in the beginning and during dating but, the truth is that you have to earn trust. So every time you start a new relation ship, it honestly needs to pass an initiation period where you build the trust from the ground up. Healthy relationships do not just appear out of thin air. They have to be built. Your experiences together will form into what I call a portfolio, and slowly based on the track record the two of you create together, you will find that your unease will gently disintegrate. It's a beautiful thing, and it is all apart of the normal dating process. You can't earn the title "successful relationship" until you pass through this stage first - the scary feelings you feel are healthy. Eventually when he proves to you that he is trustworthy, you'll almost miss the days when he kept you on your toes, when unease and jealousy were all apart of the "thrill of the chase." (Not really...LOL).
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Is this something you have felt with this guy only? If so, then pay attention to your gut. I'm not saying break up with him, I'm just saying that I think it's smart to listen to an instinct. In any case, I don't see anything from the email that is a red flag so I would just continue in the relationship and enjoy it!
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