I've never had an orgasm. Not with another person or on my own. All the advice I find just tells me to relax and spend some time alone getting to know myself. And I've been trying that all these years with no luck. I am frustrated beyond belief! I get so stressed out about it that I often end up in tears. I know stress can be a factor, but knowing that doesn't help. I've discussed it with my various boyfriends over the years, and they have felt bad about it, but have no better ideas than me. I've read that some women go their entire lives without ever experiencing one. I don't want to be one of those women. Please help!
— Feeling Awful About Orgasms Alice
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Dear Feeling Awful About Orgasms Alice,
Alice, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sexuality, especially that of females, is incredibly complicated. Everyone is made and develops differently. While it's true some women out there are unable to experience an orgasm, just because you haven't yet, it doesn't mean that you never will. Orgasms are nearly impossible when you're distracted, and there's nothing as distracting as the pressure of trying to climax.
As much as I know you want this, you have to stop making an orgasm the be all end all of your sexual encounters. Let your body remember what it's like to enjoy sex without the stress of something that may or may not happen. Instead of trying various positions and movements to see if they'll elicit the response you're looking for, focus on the sensation that you're actually feeling. If you can learn to enjoy the moment, it will help relieve all the stress and disappointment you're coping with.
Though it sounds like you're already doing it, don't stop communicating with your partners about what you like and don't like. And be sure to use lubrication, which can turn a dismal sexual experience to an extremely sensual and arousing one. Give yourself a break for a while and just let your body do what it naturally does. Sometimes the moment you let go is the moment things turn out, but in any case, you'll be ultimately more satisfied if you can find the pleasure in sex without an orgasm.