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You Asked: Is It Just a Coincidence?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. He has a single female friend whom he has known before he met me. They have probably only hung out about five or six times since we have been together but what bothers me is how I am "conveniently" never available when they hang out. Most of the times that they have been together, I only find out about it by accident, he never volunteers the information to me. I get what I am saying is that I am jealous, and suspicious — and that's the excuse he uses why he doesn't tell me when he meets up with her (because I get jealous and crazy). It really bothers me a lot but I don't know how to get him to understand.

I've told him I want to meet her so I can feel better about them hanging out, but every time we secure plans for us to meet, something always comes up. What should I do? — Irritated Izzy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Irritated Izzy,

I think you nailed the issue here Izzy but your jealousy makes me think your boyfriend has betrayed your trust before. Has he cheated in the past or lied to you before about another woman? There is a reason why guys and girls being friends is such a tricky subject, but it sounds as though you're not upset that he has a female friend, rather that you are always left out of the equation when they are together.

It sounds as though they are both trying to make a date to meet you, six attempts says a lot, so hang in there. In the meantime, try to keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriend. If you act jealous and insecure whenever he mentions this friend of his, it's no wonder he isn't breaking his back to introduce her to you. Try to keep it all relative or else this will turn into a cycle that will be hard to break. If you truly feel that your boyfriend can't be trusted, follow your gut instincts and find another man that can. Good luck.

Source

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oklahoma oklahoma 8 years
I think that he is making it look as if he is meeting up w/ her only once a year.. B/c that is all that YOU find out about. I mean you said that he never volunteers info, right.?? So how many times have the met? up, w/ out you knowing about it.. Think about it.. There is no reason to lie, unless he is hiding a secret, I always say.. Liar Liar Pants on the Floor.. HAHA.. Sorry!!
designerel designerel 8 years
If it worries you that much, make an effort to set up a time to hang out, all three of you. That way you are guaranteed to be available. Some have pointed out that if they only meet once a year, there can't be much going on, but they could be e-mailing or talking on the phone. That's why I suggest meeting her so you can scope her out and depend on your intuition to determine if there may be a "more than friends" vibe.
designerel designerel 8 years
If it worries you that much, make an effort to set up a time to hang out, all three of you. That way you are guaranteed to be available. Some have pointed out that if they only meet once a year, there can't be much going on, but they could be e-mailing or talking on the phone. That's why I suggest meeting her so you can scope her out and depend on your intuition to determine if there may be a "more than friends" vibe.
sweet-d sweet-d 8 years
Just a thought...call her yourself when you have the time and ask HER out to lunch. Tell your BF that it has been 5 years and you want to get to know her so she can be a part of both of your lives??? See what he says to that and if it is defensive go from there. Catch more flies with honey;)
nikecold nikecold 8 years
Greenapples1987: Here's some advice to you. You probably think you don't need it, but I'll say it anyway. YOU break up with YOUR boyfriend if you can't trust him. You're his girlfriend not his babysitter. Its good to check up on what your guy is doing but you can't just drop your whole life to follow him around just because you don't trust other bitches.As for the real question, I'd be annoyed just as much. I think you shoul really pester him with how important meeting her is to you. I doubt its anything serious, but you should talk to him and tell him to at least mention when he's gone out with her.
nikecold nikecold 8 years
Greenapples1987: Here's some advice to you. You probably think you don't need it, but I'll say it anyway. YOU break up with YOUR boyfriend if you can't trust him. You're his girlfriend not his babysitter. Its good to check up on what your guy is doing but you can't just drop your whole life to follow him around just because you don't trust other bitches. As for the real question, I'd be annoyed just as much. I think you shoul really pester him with how important meeting her is to you. I doubt its anything serious, but you should talk to him and tell him to at least mention when he's gone out with her.
demeter demeter 8 years
I'd be annoyed. If they were such good friends, you'd think he would have introduced you by now.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 8 years
They have met an average of once a year since you met? How good of a friend could they be? I think you are reading too much about it and are jealous of nothing. Keep on encouraging to meet her but don't drive him crazy about it -- eventually you will. I have many male friends and will not accept someone who gets jealous over things as meeting them once a year to catch up.
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 8 years
*get to KNOW her
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 8 years
*get to KNOW her
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 8 years
Greenapples--it's more than clear that you're threatened by other women. I feel sorry for you. Oh, and turn off your caps lock.To answer the actual question--Dear hit it right on the head. Being a girl whose best friend is a guy, I doubt anything is going on. It is possible for men and women to be friends. Me and my best friend are a testament to that. And if something was going on with them, he would NOT tell you when he saw her. He'd lie. Seeing that he admits that he sees her, you have nothing to worry about. But you have every right to be annoyed because you haven't met her. I don't blame you! You need to hang in there and tell him that it's really important to you that you meet her and get to her. Once that happens (given that you trust your boyfriend!), I promise that you will realize that you have nothing to worry about. And don't read into the fact that you haven't met her yet--any guy would do the same thing if their gf freaked out about it and went "crazy"!
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 8 years
Greenapples--it's more than clear that you're threatened by other women. I feel sorry for you. Oh, and turn off your caps lock. To answer the actual question--Dear hit it right on the head. Being a girl whose best friend is a guy, I doubt anything is going on. It is possible for men and women to be friends. Me and my best friend are a testament to that. And if something was going on with them, he would NOT tell you when he saw her. He'd lie. Seeing that he admits that he sees her, you have nothing to worry about. But you have every right to be annoyed because you haven't met her. I don't blame you! You need to hang in there and tell him that it's really important to you that you meet her and get to her. Once that happens (given that you trust your boyfriend!), I promise that you will realize that you have nothing to worry about. And don't read into the fact that you haven't met her yet--any guy would do the same thing if their gf freaked out about it and went "crazy"!
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 8 years
Greenapples, maybe you should consider changing your name to bitterapples. Am I correct in assuming you've been cheated on before?
lovelybritty84 lovelybritty84 8 years
That's pretty weird that you haven't even met her.. I'd just ask him if he would introduce the two of you. Maybe it'd be easier on you if you actually knew the girl a little bit..
Marci Marci 8 years
5 years is a long time to not meet such a good friend of his. BUT - they're getting together an average of once a year, so I don't think I'd let that bother me too much.
kendalheart kendalheart 8 years
Let me tell you that I have been where you are before. My last boyfriend had girl friends but I also was never introduced to them. I drove me crazy!! I feel that if someone has nothing to hide, then why not let them meet? My ex knew my guy friends so why couldn't I? Obviously we are now ex's but that was a huge factor that made us breakup was my lack of trust. I couldn't trust him anymore and that is ultimately the question you need to ask yourself. Good luck!
Jinx Jinx 8 years
If my boyfriend ever said I couldn't have my guy friends, especially those that I had before him, I'd drop him. That is insecure insaneness!
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
all caps = serious stuffhaha no doubt
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
all caps = serious stuff haha no doubt
pk9000 pk9000 8 years
They've only met up 5-6 times in 5 years. They meet once a year. You say "Most of the times that they have been together, I only find out about it by accident." How many times is that? 2? 3? Out of 5. Your boyfriend isn't excluding you because you mention "times you secure plans to meet." How hard are you trying to meet this girl? Do you suggest a date to meet that works for you? Get over yourself and let it go.
adelka adelka 8 years
wow, all caps, huh? he should make it a point for you two to meet if that's what you want. enough said.
adelka adelka 8 years
wow, all caps, huh? he should make it a point for you two to meet if that's what you want. enough said.
remedios remedios 8 years
Just keep working on meeting her. Once you meet her, you'll probably be ok.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 8 years
I think it's a little odd that you haven't met her in five years time. Is the cancellation on your end, or theirs? He doesn't tell you about their meetings because you are so crazy jealous? It seems like he would want you to meet her & get to know her, so you wouldn't have that problem.I'm not sure what to say, except trust your instinct.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 8 years
I think it's a little odd that you haven't met her in five years time. Is the cancellation on your end, or theirs? He doesn't tell you about their meetings because you are so crazy jealous? It seems like he would want you to meet her & get to know her, so you wouldn't have that problem. I'm not sure what to say, except trust your instinct.
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