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You Asked: Married With Nothing?

DearSugar --

I have NO ONE to turn to about this. I have been married for 4 years. We have had a very tumultuous relationship. Up and down. I am the breadwinner, and I do most of the housework, and we fight a lot. In retrospect I think we got married because we were together for sooo long. He has a problem with lying; he's stolen money from me and has been verbally abusive. I know that all sounds bad, but that is not why I am writing.


Since being married, I have lost weight. I started losing for the wedding, and just kept going. I am not THIN but not fat -- average, size 10. Well, of course I am feeling more confident that I deserve better than my husband. At some point he realized I was about to leave, so he really stepped up and has been a great guy for the past few months. But here is the advice part: we have been trying to conceive and for the past few times he has not been able to perform. He agrees he must have erectile dysfunction. I am just torn; I mean what do I do?

To top it all off, I am feeling all confident and hot and getting hit on left and right, actually giving one guy my cell number. I just am feeling so lost right now. Do I stay with him even if he has no job (he is unemployed) just because I am married and that is what you do? Or do I leave him and risk not meeting anyone and being alone, but I am pretty sure I could meet someone -- I feel pretty confident about that. If he can't provide for me financially or provide a child for me, why should I stay? does that make me a b***h? I am so freaking lost I don't know what to do! ~ Conflicted Carrie

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Dear Conflicted Carrie --

You've asked me for my advice, so fasten your seatbelt, hon. First, please stop trying to have a child. For the sake of everyone's future happiness, wait until you know more about yourself and more about your priorities.

From what you've written, I don't think you want to be married. I know there have been many problems, but you don't seem that concerned about the problems. It seems to me you want a different life from the one you have and with a different person than the one you have. If there's nothing to keep you with your husband except a little worry that you might not find someone else, then I feel pretty confident suggesting the marriage isn't long for this world anyway.

Don't make each other unhappy because you can't find the personal courage to make a decision or take a risk. People make mistakes. Personally, I don't think we should pay for our mistakes an entire lifetime -- or even for the few more years that will feel like a lifetime. And I certainly don't believe a child ought to be knowingly conceived in the midst of such confusion, chaos, and personal strife.

I say forget about being a b***h, Carrie. Be responsible, take your chances with a new life, learn a few things, and live with the consequences. That's pretty much what we all have to do. Good luck.

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