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You Asked: Is Masturbating to Pornography Okay?

Dear Sugar--

I am a 44 year old male living alone, and I have been divorced for five years. Currently I am involved in a very open and loving relationship with a wonderful woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Our sex life goes beyond words in terms of it being complete and fulfilling for both of us; we are both very happy and take much joy in satisfying each other, often several times a day whenever we are together. Truly, we are happy and I love her with all my heart.

Unfortunately, she does not approve or understand of my occasional need to masturbate using pornography such as the Internet, videos, or magazines during those times when we are apart. She asks me "am I not enough for you?" to which I answer "of course," as she is truly the woman of my dreams. I believe that she feels threatened and worried that I need this external visual simulation of other people engaging in sexual activity to help me achieve my physical release.

Truthfully, I have been masturbating to pornography ever since puberty, but I have always been faithful to whomever I was seeing at the time. In the case of our love life, my private interest in pornography has never stood in the way of our intimacy, ever. I want to be sensitive to her feelings. I try to tell her that those images don't mean anything to me other than a means to help me get off and she shouldn't feel threatened or jealous by them. Personally, my conscience is clear, but she does not share in my opinion of the need to masturbate when alone, especially when the use of pornography is involved.

--Questioning Kevin

To see DEAR SUGAR's answer

Dear Questioning Kevin--

I have to say that it doesn't really matter if masturbating to pornography is "right or wrong." The issue here is that it makes your girlfriend uncomfortable and upset. As with any issue that two people disagree on, you have to try and find some common ground.

You can try and convince her that it's totally normal for guys (and women) to masturbate using pornography, but it sounds like she's not going to change her opinion. Talk to her and try to figure out if it's the pornography she's upset about, or if she doesn't understand why you need to masturbate when you're apart. Perhaps she'd be okay with you masturbating alone without pornography or images of other women. Or maybe you can ask her if she would be willing to look at pornography with you. If you can get to the bottom of why she's against it then it may help you to figure out a way to compromise.

Everyone's level of sexual comfort is different. If you want to stay together, you may have to agree to disagree about this. If she is completely against both masturbating and using pornography, and you can't live without it, then this relationship might not be all you thought it was. With that said, you're allowed to have some areas of your life that only you know about, but just be respectful to yourself and your relationship.

Source

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toxicbeautyyyy toxicbeautyyyy 8 years
What if she watchs porn with you and than you guys can just have sex. I could understand masterbating if you have not had sex in a few weeks. But I think an orgasm would be more amazing if you just waited for her.
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
Ok, it just clicked... Sorry!
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
fluffyhelen, i've never watched the show, but the two blonde bimbos on that Sunset Tan show, their past job was for Girls Gone Wild. Their role at Girls Gone Wild was to get drunk girls to act like sluts for the cameras (not that any of those girls need any more excuses for why they did that for a camera). So, yea, unfortunately there are females in the exploitive role, as well, which I find to be worse than a man doing the same thing. I think I may have misread your post though...
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
fluffyhelen,They are not exploiting or 'participating in the downfall' of anything. They are very cool sex and porn positive feminists (I am also one), who have made a personal decision to work in adult entertainment. These women, and there are *many* others, choose a lifestyle you do not agree with, that doesn't make your observations about them being exploited, drug addled or dead eyed valid. Certainly, there are people in porn who abuse drugs. However, there are people everywhere who abuse drugs, we live in a drug culture and that has nothing to do with porn.If you're seriously going to talk about people making money on the downfall of others and exploitation, have a dialogue about the prison industrial complex. Not a profession, yes a profession, where you can enter and exit at will.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
fluffyhelen, They are not exploiting or 'participating in the downfall' of anything. They are very cool sex and porn positive feminists (I am also one), who have made a personal decision to work in adult entertainment. These women, and there are *many* others, choose a lifestyle you do not agree with, that doesn't make your observations about them being exploited, drug addled or dead eyed valid. Certainly, there are people in porn who abuse drugs. However, there are people everywhere who abuse drugs, we live in a drug culture and that has nothing to do with porn. If you're seriously going to talk about people making money on the downfall of others and exploitation, have a dialogue about the prison industrial complex. Not a profession, yes a profession, where you can enter and exit at will.
oklahoma oklahoma 8 years
Just b/c his SO wants to feel loved by him, doesn't mean that she has security issues. WTF? She doesn't have to have the same believes as have of you guys, does she? OMG, you guys seem to think that b/c your bf's or whatever do it all the time that your relationships are the best.. look again.
Jinx Jinx 8 years
:rotfl: This thread is just getting ridiculous.
Jinx Jinx 8 years
:rotfl: This thread is just getting ridiculous.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
"Also, about exploitation. Danni Ashe, Violet Blue, Tristan Taormino, to name but a few, are empowered women who own their own businesses and are porn and sex positive. Stop seeing the victim in everything, you never know someones motivation for their work, whether it be in porn or anything else." OK so, you name three women who are also involved in the exploitation of others. You don't have to be male to be a sexist making money out of the downfall of others.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
"Also, about exploitation. Danni Ashe, Violet Blue, Tristan Taormino, to name but a few, are empowered women who own their own businesses and are porn and sex positive. Stop seeing the victim in everything, you never know someones motivation for their work, whether it be in porn or anything else."OK so, you name three women who are also involved in the exploitation of others. You don't have to be male to be a sexist making money out of the downfall of others.
Sofiababy Sofiababy 8 years
oh lord. i really do not see the big deal in porn! how in the world does someone get the idea that they can "demand" a person to stop masturbating? or masturbating to porn? the more you make it "forbidden", the harder its going to be for him to stop. its not rocket science-- men are visual creatures, its harder for them to close their eyes and feel like women can. take any pyschology course and you will know that. chakra, thank you. why would me not being threatened by porn-- or feeling "replaced" (which is ridiculous) by it-- make me insecure?!? i masturbate. i watch porn from time to time with my boyfriend (not necessarily to get off we think its way cheesy and end up giggling like 6th graders). so whats the problem? we all like to "get there" in different ways from time to time. i think you are blowing it way out of proportion if you think that him doing that has anything to do with you, and especially if you are victimizing those women. its their job. and its more than likely exactly what they want to be doing. if you have a serious problem with it, maybe you should just try just not taking it personally. although i'm sure theres a slim chance that you may be with one of the very small percent of men who do not do it EVER- but theres a way bigger chance that he's just not telling you. honestly, which do you prefer?
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
Mabess,I dated a few guys who didn't like porn, one thought it was a tease and preferred the real thing, the other just thought it was cheesey and fake. I also dated a guy that didn't masturbate, always said he just never got into it. But he did start with sex really young, like jr. high, so perhaps he couldn't fool himself after that? lol
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
Mabess, I dated a few guys who didn't like porn, one thought it was a tease and preferred the real thing, the other just thought it was cheesey and fake. I also dated a guy that didn't masturbate, always said he just never got into it. But he did start with sex really young, like jr. high, so perhaps he couldn't fool himself after that? lol
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
Cami Green,I don't "let" my SO do anything. His parents raised him, they certainly do not need me to follow up on or continue the process. He is an adult, been one since I met him, and does as he pleases (as do I). It is not a lie to say I'm okay with his masturbation or porn, because I am okay with my masturbation and use of porn. Being secure in myself has nothing to do with my SO, as much as I love him. My parents taught me well to love, respect myself, and know my value without the actions of others coming into it. I think the problem many of the women with negative/jealous reactions to their mate's porn usage is that they tie their desirability to the man. 'If he looks at DDs and I have As, what does that mean?' 'DP does that mean he wants me to do that?' 'How would he feel if those pics were of me?' 'She's asian and I look like blah, blah - does that mean he prefers asians?' Grow up! It has nothing to do with you. He loves you, but still fantasizes. Mind your own business, stop being paranoid and snooping on his computer, and it won't bother you! More importantly, stop trying to re-raise him, he has an effing mother and doesn't need a new one. Accept and respect people as they are or move on to the mythical perfect person you're trying to make.Also, about exploitation. Danni Ashe, Violet Blue, Tristan Taormino, to name but a few, are empowered women who own their own businesses and are porn and sex positive. Stop seeing the victim in everything, you never know someones motivation for their work, whether it be in porn or anything else.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
Cami Green, I don't "let" my SO do anything. His parents raised him, they certainly do not need me to follow up on or continue the process. He is an adult, been one since I met him, and does as he pleases (as do I). It is not a lie to say I'm okay with his masturbation or porn, because I am okay with my masturbation and use of porn. Being secure in myself has nothing to do with my SO, as much as I love him. My parents taught me well to love, respect myself, and know my value without the actions of others coming into it. I think the problem many of the women with negative/jealous reactions to their mate's porn usage is that they tie their desirability to the man. 'If he looks at DDs and I have As, what does that mean?' 'DP does that mean he wants me to do that?' 'How would he feel if those pics were of me?' 'She's asian and I look like blah, blah - does that mean he prefers asians?' Grow up! It has nothing to do with you. He loves you, but still fantasizes. Mind your own business, stop being paranoid and snooping on his computer, and it won't bother you! More importantly, stop trying to re-raise him, he has an effing mother and doesn't need a new one. Accept and respect people as they are or move on to the mythical perfect person you're trying to make. Also, about exploitation. Danni Ashe, Violet Blue, Tristan Taormino, to name but a few, are empowered women who own their own businesses and are porn and sex positive. Stop seeing the victim in everything, you never know someones motivation for their work, whether it be in porn or anything else.
tifftastic tifftastic 8 years
I am totally on the same page as BRANDYNICOLE730 (in the women being exploited sense). My boyfriend and I had a talk about his porn and he honestly said, "They're not people, they're just pictures." This ensued in a discussion (discussion. not argument!) involving how they are real people and how online pics of me would be any different than some of the websites. Then one day he gave away all of his magazines without saying anything and told me when he deleted his porn files. Although it isn't the same for everyone, this was one of the best things to happen to our relationship, and I appreciate him all the more.
Cami-Green Cami-Green 8 years
I think the women who say they are okay with their boyfriends watching porn are the insecure ones. You let your boyfriend do whatever he wants to do just so you don't end up alone. It is a lie if you say you're completely okay with it. Men are sexual beings is the stupidest excuse. They're not animals, they have self control and if they really love you, they can have respect for you and your wishes.
Jinx Jinx 8 years
Exactly, porn shouldn't be such a big deal, especially in this case, by the sounds of it. Everyone masturbates to a certain degree, I don't see the harm in a visual aid within reason.I wonder what his girlfriend thinks about or envisions when she does it? We're only talking about him tugging one out now and again.lol
Jinx Jinx 8 years
Exactly, porn shouldn't be such a big deal, especially in this case, by the sounds of it. Everyone masturbates to a certain degree, I don't see the harm in a visual aid within reason. I wonder what his girlfriend thinks about or envisions when she does it? We're only talking about him tugging one out now and again.lol
ClassicsDiva ClassicsDiva 8 years
The issue here isn't so much about porn, really. It's about your girlfriend's feelings, as several people have pointed out. You can try talking to her about it, and maybe you will get somewhere, but really, if your porn is so important to you that you would rather give up/lie to your girlfriend than stop looking at it, your priorities are off.Cat lovers often go petless when their significant others have allergies. Meat eaters sometimes resign themselves to cutting back on the flesh when they date vegatarians. Atheists sometimes agree to let their spouses take the kids to church. Lots of people adjust the way they live their lives to increase the comfort of their partners. I'm not saying that everyone changes who they are to make their lovers happy, and I'm also not passing judgement on your viewing of porn, but ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, porn shouldn't be a big deal, and it should be something you can compromise on. It can be enjoyable, but it's not a necessity. Thus, I would hope that you would put the feelings and comfort of your girlfriend above your hobby. Nobody looks back at the end of their life and says, "Gee, I wish I had more time to look at porn. I'm glad I dumped that crappy girlfriend so I could die alone surrounded by the magazines I love."
ClassicsDiva ClassicsDiva 8 years
The issue here isn't so much about porn, really. It's about your girlfriend's feelings, as several people have pointed out. You can try talking to her about it, and maybe you will get somewhere, but really, if your porn is so important to you that you would rather give up/lie to your girlfriend than stop looking at it, your priorities are off. Cat lovers often go petless when their significant others have allergies. Meat eaters sometimes resign themselves to cutting back on the flesh when they date vegatarians. Atheists sometimes agree to let their spouses take the kids to church. Lots of people adjust the way they live their lives to increase the comfort of their partners. I'm not saying that everyone changes who they are to make their lovers happy, and I'm also not passing judgement on your viewing of porn, but ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, porn shouldn't be a big deal, and it should be something you can compromise on. It can be enjoyable, but it's not a necessity. Thus, I would hope that you would put the feelings and comfort of your girlfriend above your hobby. Nobody looks back at the end of their life and says, "Gee, I wish I had more time to look at porn. I'm glad I dumped that crappy girlfriend so I could die alone surrounded by the magazines I love."
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
For the person who said that I shouldn't place porn and myself in the same catergory, I don't. You obviously took my comment incorrectly. I said nothing to my man that even hinted that he should get rid of his playboys. If he had kept them, it wouldn't have effected our relationship. I obviously know that the list of priorities are not: porn, sex, girlfriend, etc. My dislike of porn has to do with the objectification and degradation of females for the pleasure of men, not because I'm jealous. My bf knew this, and I believe that is the reason he took the step, I don't know for sure, bc we didn't discuss it.Apparently I should've gone on to add my additional statement, so as not to be attacked. I think there is more of a problem with her knowing you masturbate. No female really cares if her man masturbates to porn when she's not around, most just prefer to be oblivious to the fact.
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
For the person who said that I shouldn't place porn and myself in the same catergory, I don't. You obviously took my comment incorrectly. I said nothing to my man that even hinted that he should get rid of his playboys. If he had kept them, it wouldn't have effected our relationship. I obviously know that the list of priorities are not: porn, sex, girlfriend, etc. My dislike of porn has to do with the objectification and degradation of females for the pleasure of men, not because I'm jealous. My bf knew this, and I believe that is the reason he took the step, I don't know for sure, bc we didn't discuss it. Apparently I should've gone on to add my additional statement, so as not to be attacked. I think there is more of a problem with her knowing you masturbate. No female really cares if her man masturbates to porn when she's not around, most just prefer to be oblivious to the fact.
madhatter madhatter 8 years
I used to not be bothered by porn, but after taking a required class at a Catholic school about modesty, I totally changed my mind. What makes him feel like he has to look at porn? What makes him feel like he HAS to masturbate RIGHT THEN? What happens if he doesn't? Even though I think it's degrading to the models, I think it's even worse to think that it's "totally disgusting," but to keep dating a guy who uses it to masturbate. What is that saying about you? That you're willing to let him make decisions that hurt you even though you've told him it makes you uncomfortable. Since I realized the importance of no pornography in a relationship - and hopefully none outside of it or prior to it - I've made it a point to know whether or not the guys I'm interested in use pornography, and the guys I've dated since do not. And please, don't come back saying "all men do it" and calling me naive - NOT all men do it, and I'm NOT being naive.
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