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You Asked: My Best Friend is a Flirt!

Dear Sugar--

I have some issues with my best friend. We are opposites, which I love most of the time because we inspire and learn from each other, and balance each other out. But sometimes things bother me about her because they directly affect me, while I don't disrupt her at all.

I am shy and relatively withdrawn in social situations, but I'm getting better all the time. Anyways, I pride myself on being loyal to who I'm with and reserve flirtatiousness and sexiness for my man. She is extremely sexually postured (has big boobs that she is always conscious of), and flirts with any guy. She isn't necessarily promiscuous, but is dating three guys right now, enjoys sexual attention, and is 'touchy.' I feel this even when my boyfriend is around, and that's my only concern. She can be whoever she wants with others guys- obviously I have no control over it. But I don't like it when she's like that with my boy. He won't say anything to her because he's kind of shy too. I don't want him to go along with it, however, I can't control him either. I've already hinted at the subject with both of them and there's nothing more I can say.

Am I right to feel this? Deep down I feel like I may just be jealous of her bust. How can I get over feeling this way so I don't dread hanging out with them?

--Annoyed With my Best Friend

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Annoyed With my Best Friend--

I would be upset about this too. Just so you know, most girls who are overly flirty with guys are just craving the attention (like you said). Since she's busy flirting with others guys besides your boyfriend, you can feel good knowing she probably doesn't have real feelings for him. It's all about the game. She wants to throw out the bait and see how many fish she can get to bite.

That being said, she has crossed a major line between best friends. You never ever do anything that could affect your best friend's relationship with her boyfriend. What is she thinking? Her behavior is unacceptable and "hinting at the subject" isn't enough unfortunately. She needs a talking to.

Invite her out to lunch and casually tell her how you feel. Just be honest and say you don't mind her flirting with other guys, but that it upsets you and makes you uncomfortable when she acts that way with your boyfriend. Point out specific examples of behavior you want to see end so she's absolutely clear about your boundaries. Since you are best friends, I'm sure she'll completely understand and leave your man off her flirty to-do list. Good luck!

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Talullah76 Talullah76 9 years
She needs to stay the f away from your boyfriend; whatever he or she thinks. Some people can justify anything.
katlovesclothes katlovesclothes 9 years
Hmmmm... I'm a flirt too, but I'd never do anything with a friend's boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. On the one occasion when my BF's boyfriend misunderstood my behavior and wanted to make clear he considered himself "available" I told my friend, who promptly dropped him. I'm from the Italian south, where flirting is considered a social necessity, a means of pleasantly interacting and an ego boost for all parties. It is not necessarily a biproduct of insecurity/abuse/mysogeny or any intended cruelty towards you. If it makes you uncomfortable- you need to ask why, and ask your girlfriend- she might be able to teach you a thing or two!
katlovesclothes katlovesclothes 9 years
Hmmmm... I'm a flirt too, but I'd never do anything with a friend's boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. On the one occasion when my BF's boyfriend misunderstood my behavior and wanted to make clear he considered himself "available" I told my friend, who promptly dropped him. I'm from the Italian south, where flirting is considered a social necessity, a means of pleasantly interacting and an ego boost for all parties. It is not necessarily a biproduct of insecurity/abuse/mysogeny or any intended cruelty towards you. If it makes you uncomfortable- you need to ask why, and ask your girlfriend- she might be able to teach you a thing or two!
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
she probably doesn't realize she's making you uncomfortable. it doesn't sound like she's into your man and unless he makes any moves i wouldn't worry about it. you could talk to her and see if that helps. otherwise, check out victoria's secret. they've got great padded bras.
sass317 sass317 9 years
Yup, just talk to your friend. Tell her you get that shes a flirt and touchy by nature and you dont have a problem with that, but to reserve it for guys that are available and acting like that around your bf makes you both uncomfortable. She will probably be embarrassed if she knows how this makes you both feel
hexidecimalhack hexidecimalhack 9 years
Wow, vdogg, what a story! Goodness! I have never had an issue like that, but if it happened to someone else (vdogg, here) then chances are, it can happen to you. She's your best friend; wouldn't it be worse if you didn't talk to her?
Vdogg Vdogg 9 years
i know how you feel, i think we all have that friend who loves attention & selfishly doesnt think about who it's affecting. i had a friend who started out flirting with my bf's.. then she actually slept with someone i was interested in (& who was interested in me) & basically sabotaged my chances. let's just say it got way too ridiculous & we are no longer friends. be careful, but if she's not doing it to offend you, then it's probably her just stroking her ego. chances are she acts like that not because she loves herself so much, but because she is insecure & needs the attention to feel good about herself.
Vdogg Vdogg 9 years
i know how you feel, i think we all have that friend who loves attention & selfishly doesnt think about who it's affecting. i had a friend who started out flirting with my bf's.. then she actually slept with someone i was interested in (& who was interested in me) & basically sabotaged my chances.let's just say it got way too ridiculous & we are no longer friends. be careful, but if she's not doing it to offend you, then it's probably her just stroking her ego. chances are she acts like that not because she loves herself so much, but because she is insecure & needs the attention to feel good about herself.
Marci Marci 9 years
I too agree with eaker - and fab4. It's the way she is with all guys and it doesn't occur to her that it might bother you. So just talk to her. She's your best friend, so it should be easier than with someone else, right?
Marci Marci 9 years
I too agree with eaker - and fab4. It's the way she is with all guys and it doesn't occur to her that it might bother you. So just talk to her. She's your best friend, so it should be easier than with someone else, right?
Lila-Fowler Lila-Fowler 9 years
You can rest assured that she's not interested in him-- she can't help it, that's the way she is! As for being jealous of her bust, that must be hard. Breast size is something that you cannot change about yourself (without surgergy) and unfortunately breast size DOES matter to a lot of guys, so it can be extremely easy to be jealous of someone just based on the fact that they have nice boobs. I guess it's something we all have to learn to live with-- to be okay with ourselves and stop comparing ourselves to those girls with bigger boobs, thiner, taller, etc. It's much easier said than done, but I think that's the only way we'll ever be okay with ourselves and get rid of our insecurities-- if we learn to be okay with what we have and don't worry about how other girls look. Afterall, your friend is your friend-- it's her large boobs that makes her seem like "competition" even though she isn't. This isn't easy.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I know "touchy" people, and it's just who they are. They are very social and comfortable putting their hand on someone's arm or whatever. But it's not necessarily always flirting. It can be, but somehow this thread leads me to believe it's just her personality. I think maybe you are jealous of the fact that she's not shy, of the ease with which she interacts with the opposite sex. Antoher clue to that is the fact you say you might be jealous of her bust. (One of the funniest Dear Sugar sentences of all time I think, btw.) Perhaps you might be jealous of a little more than her rack, and you're just not willing/able to admit it. I could be off base, though. It's so hard to tell with that much information. This much seems clear though: she's not into your man.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I know "touchy" people, and it's just who they are. They are very social and comfortable putting their hand on someone's arm or whatever. But it's not necessarily always flirting. It can be, but somehow this thread leads me to believe it's just her personality.I think maybe you are jealous of the fact that she's not shy, of the ease with which she interacts with the opposite sex. Antoher clue to that is the fact you say you might be jealous of her bust. (One of the funniest Dear Sugar sentences of all time I think, btw.) Perhaps you might be jealous of a little more than her rack, and you're just not willing/able to admit it.I could be off base, though. It's so hard to tell with that much information. This much seems clear though: she's not into your man.
fab4 fab4 9 years
I'm with eaker. I had a friend that flirted with every guy I was remotely interested in. When I told her, she didn't even realize it because she was so used to doing it. If she is a true friend, she won't get mad. Good Luck!
eaker eaker 9 years
It doesn't hurt to talk to her, if that's just how she is she probably hasn't even thought about how it's affecting you. I used to have a roommate that walked around in a sheer nightie even when I had guys over. It made me uncomfortable and I asked her to stop. She was more embarrassed than mad, she hadn't realized she was flashing everyone.
summer-roberts summer-roberts 9 years
Yes, you have to find a way to tell her not to flirt with your man. Also I would probably talk to my man too and make sure he does not have interests in her. He may not notice she is flirting if she is always this way, so give him the benifit here.
summer-roberts summer-roberts 9 years
Yes, you have to find a way to tell her not to flirt with your man. Also I would probably talk to my man too and make sure he does not have interests in her. He may not notice she is flirting if she is always this way, so give him the benifit here.
jhuck jhuck 9 years
You definitely need to tell her how you feel about this. I had a friend who would hit on any guy who was in a relationship and get mad if they didn't want her. She would be all over these guys and try and break up their relationships. As soon as they were single she didn't want them anymore. I got tired of seeing this happen, and I told her how disrespectful and mean it was to the girlfriends. She didn't take it well, but I found out a little while after she stopped talking to me, she slowly stopped hitting on the attached guys.
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