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You Asked: My Boyfriend Constantly Brings up His Ex!

Dear Sugar--

I've known this guy for over a year now. He's been single the whole time I've known him but about a month ago, we started dating exclusively. I noticed that he seems to always bring up his ex-girlfriend A LOT. From what I can gather, she really broke his heart - so badly that he had to go to therapy for 8 weeks! What bothers me is that it was over a year ago and that I've never once asked about it. He seems to always reference something about her or somehow her name comes up. He claims that he "hates her" and he's "as over it as he's ever going to be."

Am I selfish to want him to just be over it and not talk about her? I've never mentioned my past relationships because I choose to leave it in the past.

-- Don't Want to Hear About it Dara

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Don't Want to Hear About it Dara--

I'd be annoyed and hurt too, especially since we all know the only reason he's talking about her so much is because he's definitely NOT over her. That's not to say he doesn't care about or want to be with you, but he's clearly still grieving this past relationship, even though it was over a year ago.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Does he know how much it upsets you that he constantly brings her up? Since you've been friends for over a year, I bet he feels comfortable enough to share his feelings with you, but he needs to realize that you are now a couple, not just friends, and some things (especially those having to do with ex-girlfriends) are sometimes better left unsaid.

Talking might make him stop mentioning her name, but it won't make him stop thinking about her. It sounds like he's simply not ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone right now. He clearly needs a chance to get over his ex fully so if I were you, I'd stop dating him until he's had a chance to mend that broken heart of his.

Source

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pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 8 years
I agree with DearSugar. This ex did a number on your guy. It sometimes happens. I think for your own heart, you might want to take a break until he is fully over this ex. I am afraid that he might start thinking YOU might do to him whatever his ex did (even though you are not). You don't want to be accused of what happened to him in his past. (I hope that makes sense.) His raw feelings could ruin your new relationship.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 8 years
I agree with DearSugar. This ex did a number on your guy. It sometimes happens. I think for your own heart, you might want to take a break until he is fully over this ex. I am afraid that he might start thinking YOU might do to him whatever his ex did (even though you are not). You don't want to be accused of what happened to him in his past. (I hope that makes sense.) His raw feelings could ruin your new relationship.
laurarose520 laurarose520 8 years
He's sort of giving the impression that he's not totally over her. Sugar is giving some pretty good advice. It's best for both of you to call off your relationship until he's ready to move on.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
That is kind of annoying- he still obviously isnt over her!
Cycy Cycy 8 years
We are now recycling posts here at DearSugar. I saw this one a few months ago, still remember it. Try again.
junebrug junebrug 8 years
I agree. He's clearly not remotely over her. Different people take different amounts of time to get over things. I dated a man who had divorced three years earlier and it turned out he was not ready. If he "hates" her, you have a problem. I would go back to being friends for the moment. Remember, this will be his second rejection, though you don't mean it that way, so don't expect a great response, in fact you could lose him completely if you don't do it right. He may be quite angry. The impetus is on you to do it in a way that you're not "breaking up with him". Making it seem like you're going back to being "best buds" to let him sort it out, but you still plan to his girlfriend, should help.Then hang out with him and let him come to his own decisions. I think in the end he'll thank you for it, and ultimately you're more likely to hang onto him permanently by temporarily letting him go. Don't wait until he breaks up with you, he'll be so embarressed by his behavior, you'll never see him again. Besides, if you want to keep his friendship, it's better to let someone else be "rebound girl." And if he decides this relationship isn't for him, you saved yourself a whole lot of heartache.
junebrug junebrug 8 years
I agree. He's clearly not remotely over her. Different people take different amounts of time to get over things. I dated a man who had divorced three years earlier and it turned out he was not ready. If he "hates" her, you have a problem. I would go back to being friends for the moment. Remember, this will be his second rejection, though you don't mean it that way, so don't expect a great response, in fact you could lose him completely if you don't do it right. He may be quite angry. The impetus is on you to do it in a way that you're not "breaking up with him". Making it seem like you're going back to being "best buds" to let him sort it out, but you still plan to his girlfriend, should help. Then hang out with him and let him come to his own decisions. I think in the end he'll thank you for it, and ultimately you're more likely to hang onto him permanently by temporarily letting him go. Don't wait until he breaks up with you, he'll be so embarressed by his behavior, you'll never see him again. Besides, if you want to keep his friendship, it's better to let someone else be "rebound girl." And if he decides this relationship isn't for him, you saved yourself a whole lot of heartache.
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