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You Asked: My Boyfriend Dated My "Aunt"

You Asked: My Boyfriend Dated My "Aunt"

Dear Sugar,

I was in a relationship for eight years with the love of my life. A few months ago, we broke up, and he started seeing this woman that I called my "aunt" for 30 years, and I was devastated. We were apart for about two months, but he left her and came back to me because he said he loves and wants to be with me. Now we're back together, but he is still in contact with her by phone and email. He says he's still friends with her, but I have made it very clear that I'm uncomfortable with them remaining friends. I told him that I'm not going to put up with it because I think it's disrespectful. Since I've told him this, I don't think that he has contacted her, but I don't know for sure. I'm really suspicious and insecure all time, and I just don't know if I can trust him. I love this man with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but it's really eating at me and I just don't know what to do. Can you please give me some advice?

—Can't Trust My Boyfriend Bonnie

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Can't Trust My Boyfriend Bonnie,

I know you're feeling a little insecure about your relationship, but you can feel assured about two things. One, he never cheated on you. He broke up with you before he started seeing your "aunt." Two, he obviously loves you since he left her to get back together with you. These are things you can feel good about. From what I can tell, he hasn't given you any reason to mistrust him. He's been upfront and honest this entire time.

I know that you want him to sever all contact with this other woman, and unless he's made you think he hasn't respected your wishes, I think you should assume that he's done just that. Keep communicating with him about how you feel. You've obviously been through a lot these past few months, having broken up and gotten back together, so just be patient. I'm sure things will start to feel more permanent and secure with time.

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cittypark cittypark 8 years
i can't believe you took him back.he should be so grateful that you did. SO grateful (and ashamed) that he blocks out anything related to those 2mths in his life. shouldn't he be on his toes and trying super hard not to make another mistake? i don't think he is truly cherishing your relationship.
cittypark cittypark 8 years
i can't believe you took him back. he should be so grateful that you did. SO grateful (and ashamed) that he blocks out anything related to those 2mths in his life. shouldn't he be on his toes and trying super hard not to make another mistake? i don't think he is truly cherishing your relationship.
red4bonez red4bonez 8 years
I dont know this is kinda hard. you need to talk to him about everything. About you feeling insecure and stuff. I dont understand he went to hook up with this "aunt" person and broke up with you as soon as he was done with her he came back to you. I would be insecure as well because I would just be afraid that he would do it again. He should know on his own that it wouldnt be comfortable for you if he keeps in contact with the person. I mean how would he feel if he was in your shoes? If you broke up with him wentto someone came back and still talked to the person.You have a reason to feel the way u feel. Did he have a thing for her whileyou guys were going out and didnt want to do anything about it because you guys were going out and he broke up with you so he could get with her. i dont know. sorry but you need to talk to him and decide if you can continue because theres plenty of fish in the sea and stuff. good luck. if you decide to stay with him good luck =)
trixiefire trixiefire 8 years
Um, he went for a woman you consider as close as relative? You're insecure, he's lying.... Two words: Dump him. Dump him Dump him Dump him Its really quite simple. He's a tool, you're being wishy washy. Move on, you know he's not good for you, without us having to tell you that.
Daisie Daisie 8 years
desire=deserve. Man, I should have spell-checked!
Daisie Daisie 8 years
pare=paper >.> Wow that's a long post!
Daisie Daisie 8 years
pare=paper >.> Wow that's a long post!
Daisie Daisie 8 years
Well, I have an "aunt" as well. A close family friend who knew me when I was in the womb and has always treated me with love and kindness and is always there for me even if I go months without talking to her. I call her my "aunt". because she is as close as I've got.I cannot fathom that in 8 years she would not have met your boyfriend. I cannot fathom that in 8 years you had not spoken to her of your love for him. I also cannot fathom that in 8 years, you didn't get engaged....although some people don't need that piece of pare. However, I think it is probably that you started dating when you were quite young. (Ok, I see you must be about 30.)Eight years is a long time, no doubt with its ups and downs as all relationships do. On one hand, I can see someone who has been in with someone for so long, breaking up with them and going out and having a little fast fling and then realizing that "jeez, wth am I doing..I really love that girl...we can get through this...I want her back." So he (or she) comes back to the relationship.Ok..that would be ok I suppose. It happens. But there are several issues here. For one, if my bf CHOSE to stay in contact with his fling there would be major problems! WTH are you thinking, buddy?! Are you missing brain cells?Second, if my ex-bf chose to date my aunt I would be grossed out and livid at BOTH of them. I'm so sorry, but I could not kiss him knowing he kissed what is practically a family member. Grody! That he chose someone so close to me is strange and wrong, I don't care what he felt.Third, that my "AUNT" went ahead and dated her "niece's" love is wrong as well. Does she not love you? Does she not see how wrong that is? And again, I don't care about how they felt.This, to me, seems a betrayal to you by both of them. It is a double insult and betrayal that they "keep in contact".This is not "my friend went on a blind date and he was a nice guy but she thought he would be better suited to me and it's OK because all they shared was spaghetti and an innocent good night kiss".I am inclined to believe some of the other posters who said this may have been going on before you two broke up. You neglected to mention why you broke in the first place and who initiated it.I know you love him. I understand loving someone despite them lying or hurting or betraying you. You think once they hurt you so bad, you will stop but you don't and you just desperately want to know why-why-why and wish it would all go away.But this is not going to go away. You have lost trust for him as well as respect I think, and hopefully for her too as he is not alone in this. If you no trust, what do you have? Nightmares and constant worrying and no real relationship at all.I know you love him but I think you need to really sit down and think about letting him go. That's just my opinion, though. I just wonder what it would be like if you DID marry....would she be invited? How awkward. Do your parents and friends know? Tell someone close to you. If you can HONESTLY put it past you and just trust him (trust is blind faith), you can go ahead and try to work it out. But my own opinion is that you should find someone more worthy of you. If my bf and I broke for a few and he dated my cousin or aunt, there is no way in hell he would ever be allowed back in my life. Good luck with whatever you choose..just remember to always have respect for yourself, that there are other fish in the sea, and that you desire respect from your mate.
Daisie Daisie 8 years
Well, I have an "aunt" as well. A close family friend who knew me when I was in the womb and has always treated me with love and kindness and is always there for me even if I go months without talking to her. I call her my "aunt". because she is as close as I've got. I cannot fathom that in 8 years she would not have met your boyfriend. I cannot fathom that in 8 years you had not spoken to her of your love for him. I also cannot fathom that in 8 years, you didn't get engaged....although some people don't need that piece of pare. However, I think it is probably that you started dating when you were quite young. (Ok, I see you must be about 30.) Eight years is a long time, no doubt with its ups and downs as all relationships do. On one hand, I can see someone who has been in with someone for so long, breaking up with them and going out and having a little fast fling and then realizing that "jeez, wth am I doing..I really love that girl...we can get through this...I want her back." So he (or she) comes back to the relationship. Ok..that would be ok I suppose. It happens. But there are several issues here. For one, if my bf CHOSE to stay in contact with his fling there would be major problems! WTH are you thinking, buddy?! Are you missing brain cells? Second, if my ex-bf chose to date my aunt I would be grossed out and livid at BOTH of them. I'm so sorry, but I could not kiss him knowing he kissed what is practically a family member. Grody! That he chose someone so close to me is strange and wrong, I don't care what he felt. Third, that my "AUNT" went ahead and dated her "niece's" love is wrong as well. Does she not love you? Does she not see how wrong that is? And again, I don't care about how they felt. This, to me, seems a betrayal to you by both of them. It is a double insult and betrayal that they "keep in contact". This is not "my friend went on a blind date and he was a nice guy but she thought he would be better suited to me and it's OK because all they shared was spaghetti and an innocent good night kiss". I am inclined to believe some of the other posters who said this may have been going on before you two broke up. You neglected to mention why you broke in the first place and who initiated it. I know you love him. I understand loving someone despite them lying or hurting or betraying you. You think once they hurt you so bad, you will stop but you don't and you just desperately want to know why-why-why and wish it would all go away. But this is not going to go away. You have lost trust for him as well as respect I think, and hopefully for her too as he is not alone in this. If you no trust, what do you have? Nightmares and constant worrying and no real relationship at all. I know you love him but I think you need to really sit down and think about letting him go. That's just my opinion, though. I just wonder what it would be like if you DID marry....would she be invited? How awkward. Do your parents and friends know? Tell someone close to you. If you can HONESTLY put it past you and just trust him (trust is blind faith), you can go ahead and try to work it out. But my own opinion is that you should find someone more worthy of you. If my bf and I broke for a few and he dated my cousin or aunt, there is no way in hell he would ever be allowed back in my life. Good luck with whatever you choose..just remember to always have respect for yourself, that there are other fish in the sea, and that you desire respect from your mate.
so_dipped_n_love so_dipped_n_love 8 years
that's soooo wrong...the 'aunt' and your bf shouldn't have ever gone there...it just doesn't sound right.he couldn't hook up w/ someone else OUTSIDE the family?and how the heck did it lead up to them dating anyhow????there must have been a spark somewhere along the way (since they've known each other no?)yeah that's not cool.
so_dipped_n_love so_dipped_n_love 8 years
that's soooo wrong... the 'aunt' and your bf shouldn't have ever gone there... it just doesn't sound right. he couldn't hook up w/ someone else OUTSIDE the family? and how the heck did it lead up to them dating anyhow???? there must have been a spark somewhere along the way (since they've known each other no?) yeah that's not cool.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I love how these messed up posters throw out phrases like "love of my life" and "true love" and than proceed to follow up with "slept with my aunt" and "cheated on me"boggles my mind.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I love how these messed up posters throw out phrases like "love of my life" and "true love" and than proceed to follow up with "slept with my aunt" and "cheated on me" boggles my mind.
Alisha_Stiletto Alisha_Stiletto 8 years
OMG. Is this an episode of Jerry Springer?Break out the midgets!!
Alisha_Stiletto Alisha_Stiletto 8 years
OMG. Is this an episode of Jerry Springer? Break out the midgets!!
courtneyh courtneyh 8 years
Ew. Ew. and EW! Maybe I'm a little bit biased because I'm in the godforsaken redneck inbread state of Louisiana (visiting my father who moved here 3 years ago for business). But your situation sounds way too insestual. I would be GROSSED OUT. Think of where his mouth and hands and member have been. EW EW EW. Way to close to home. That's sick. Get rid of him.
courtneyh courtneyh 8 years
Ew. Ew. and EW!Maybe I'm a little bit biased because I'm in the godforsaken redneck inbread state of Louisiana (visiting my father who moved here 3 years ago for business).But your situation sounds way too insestual. I would be GROSSED OUT. Think of where his mouth and hands and member have been. EW EW EW.Way to close to home. That's sick. Get rid of him.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 8 years
I don't know... the fact that he even went out with a family member (or a "family member") of yours after you'd been together so long is kind of a huge line to cross, so I totally understand how you're having a difficult time getting over this. And I know you didn't ask about this, but I have to say, what the hell was your "aunt" thinking?? You say that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, so I think you need to be completely honest with him about how you feel (you are completely justified, by the way) and then make the decision to move past it. It can be done.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 8 years
I don't know... the fact that he even went out with a family member (or a "family member") of yours after you'd been together so long is kind of a huge line to cross, so I totally understand how you're having a difficult time getting over this. And I know you didn't ask about this, but I have to say, what the hell was your "aunt" thinking??You say that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, so I think you need to be completely honest with him about how you feel (you are completely justified, by the way) and then make the decision to move past it. It can be done.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
OK, any man who dates your aunt even if you were broken up...is just as bad as cheating on you!!! How could you be so sure that they weren't hooking up during the eight years you were together? How could you be so sure that they aren't hooking up NOW? They both seem to have no real morals so I wouldn't put it past them! She sure as hell didn't care that she was dating her niece's 'love of her life' so you best believe she will be more than willing to give it up on the side even though he's with you. You need to move on from this mess. I hope your not planning on marrying this fool!
Meike Meike 8 years
Communication is definitely key. Has he ever lied to you in the past? If not, is there any reason for you to believe he has suddenly changed and, now, would lie to you? If your answer is 'no', have a bit of faith in your man. :) Insecurity is not healthy for your newly rekindled relationship.
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 8 years
Whether or not you choose to forgive and forget, you have to accept this as part of your past. A lot of on and Off relationships don't work because of the things that happened in the relationship's past. You have to literally forget this happened, push it to the back of your mind, whatever, if you want the relationship to work
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