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You Asked: My Boyfriend Dragged Me Through the Mud

Dear Sugar,

I was with my ex for three years — we lived together and pretty much grew up together. We have been broken up for two months and it's been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with — moving my stuff out was extremely painful. All I ever do is think about him and our old life. The thing that tears me up the most is that I just found out he's been extremely promiscuous since we've split, all the while having breakup sex with me. I also learned that he is now ready to settle down again, but not with me.

I'm hurt that he got to have all of his fun and drag me along on his ride only to leave me in his tracks. I am incredibly heartbroken, saddened, disgusted and I feel completely rejected. I dream about him almost every night and wake up every morning, sad to be at my mom's house and not our old apartment. Is this normal? I feel like I'm crazy to still think about him every day and mourn like this. — Heartbroken Heidi

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Heartbroken Heidi,

To answer your question, yes, your reaction is completely normal — in fact, I'd be a little concerned if you weren't feeling this way after ending a three-year relationship. The fact that you had to move out of the apartment you shared definitely makes matters worse, so take your time in this grieving process and try not to be so hard on yourself. In the meantime, if living at home with your mom is making this bad situation worse, I suggest you find a roommate and move out ASAP.

Having breakup sex adds a level of difficulty to the moving on process, but rest assured that thinking about your ex, even though he dragged you through the mud, does not make you crazy, it makes you human. Time is the best healer, but you should also lean on your friends and family for support. All of your feelings are justified Heidi, and in due time, I have faith that you'll see that this relationship just was not meant to be. Hang in there and good luck.

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doleychitown doleychitown 7 years
I agree that some of the posters sound harsh but a lot of it is true. Unfortunately we think we can change someone's emotions by being accessible to them and if we act like nothing has changed then maybe things have not changed. I posted a group therapy entitled 'Did I ignore the signs' and a lot of the feedback I am getting is that we allow ourselves to be used when we aide the user. Most guys aren't going to turn down sex with the ex because its comfortable and they are used to it, but then sex with multiple new girls is also fun. Either way there comes a time when you have to stop looking around waiting for the other person to change the situation and change it for yourself. It sucks the MOST when you love the person and especially when years are involved, but you have to remember this makes you a stronger person. Also now you know he is not the one. And most importantly karma is a bitch especially relationship karama.
ylovely ylovely 7 years
You have to do two things. 1. Stop having sex with this man. 2. Start loving yourself. He sound as though he is very self absorbed and your giving him the tools to abuse you. I know it's not easy to let someone you've loved for so long go but you must. To save yourself and live a great life you must.
ylovely ylovely 7 years
You have to do two things.1. Stop having sex with this man.2. Start loving yourself.He sound as though he is very self absorbed and your giving him the tools to abuse you. I know it's not easy to let someone you've loved for so long go but you must. To save yourself and live a great life you must.
shaunarae shaunarae 7 years
Not to make light of your situation, but, what girl hasn't been there? And there is only one word that can cure: time. It is essential that you keep yourself busy with other things. When my four year relationship ended I picked up and moved to London to attend graduate school. Talk about keeping busy-and now three years later, I am in love again (with someone else.) It just goes to show that everything happens for a reason. Take the time to remember the relationship and the happier times. I know you must love him and probably always will. But let me tell you, there is someone better out there for you. Why not focus on yourself for now. Because in the grand sceme of it all, you are most important. I'm sorry it ended, but you should find that happy, positive spot inside that's looking forward to the future and new things. Nothing is forever, live and relish in this moment, and move on.
shaunarae shaunarae 7 years
Not to make light of your situation, but, what girl hasn't been there? And there is only one word that can cure: time. It is essential that you keep yourself busy with other things.When my four year relationship ended I picked up and moved to London to attend graduate school. Talk about keeping busy-and now three years later, I am in love again (with someone else.)It just goes to show that everything happens for a reason. Take the time to remember the relationship and the happier times. I know you must love him and probably always will. But let me tell you, there is someone better out there for you. Why not focus on yourself for now. Because in the grand sceme of it all, you are most important.I'm sorry it ended, but you should find that happy, positive spot inside that's looking forward to the future and new things. Nothing is forever, live and relish in this moment, and move on.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
dm8bri nailed it.Sure, you shouldn't have break-up sex with him, as we all know you are hoping that by doing so he will change his mind. But I think people here have been a bit harsh... three years is a long time to be with someone, and then to get dumped and see them quickly with someone else. That just hurts, and two months is not much time to get over it.Break off all contact with him and focus on yourself as others have mentioned. I would also add you should get tested for STI's if your boyfriend was as promiscuous as you mentioned while still sleeping with you.Time to start taking care of yourself.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
dm8bri nailed it. Sure, you shouldn't have break-up sex with him, as we all know you are hoping that by doing so he will change his mind. But I think people here have been a bit harsh... three years is a long time to be with someone, and then to get dumped and see them quickly with someone else. That just hurts, and two months is not much time to get over it. Break off all contact with him and focus on yourself as others have mentioned. I would also add you should get tested for STI's if your boyfriend was as promiscuous as you mentioned while still sleeping with you. Time to start taking care of yourself.
kellysully kellysully 7 years
When you find yourself thinking about him, flip the switch and think about something else. Time will help you heal. Every day will be a little bit better.
kellysully kellysully 7 years
When you find yourself thinking about him, flip the switch and think about something else. Time will help you heal. Every day will be a little bit better.
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 7 years
Come on guys...she loved him. I understand her thinking about him everyday. You should really try to move on though.Easir said than done, but time will heal. Hopefully
Murmur314 Murmur314 7 years
Somehow I feel that it's very relevant to know *who* initiated the break-up and for what reason. It sounds as if the guy dumped her. If that assumption is correct, Heidi unfortunately set herself up for the heart ache by having sex with him afterwards. Maybe to try getting him back? I don't know. Either way, her self-esteem should've been high enough to say "You don't want me in your life anymore? Fine, I'll go" instead of mourning over a guy who obviously leaves the thinking to his sexual organs.
Murmur314 Murmur314 7 years
Somehow I feel that it's very relevant to know *who* initiated the break-up and for what reason. It sounds as if the guy dumped her.If that assumption is correct, Heidi unfortunately set herself up for the heart ache by having sex with him afterwards. Maybe to try getting him back? I don't know. Either way, her self-esteem should've been high enough to say "You don't want me in your life anymore? Fine, I'll go" instead of mourning over a guy who obviously leaves the thinking to his sexual organs.
dm8bri dm8bri 7 years
Please don't have revenge sex - it doesn't help anything. I agree with earlier posters that by having sex with him you opened yourself to hurt. The relationship ended and he really doesn't owe you anything. Of course, it would be ideal if he cared about you enough to protect your feelings and either refuse to have sex with you or at least not sleep with other people, but that is not reality. What you had in the relationship may have been great, but that is gone now. Please stop trying to change his mind by letting him use you. You don't really want to be with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart, right? The best "revenge" is moving on and having a great life. At first you may hope he notices and feels badly, but eventually you'll be so involved in being awesome that you won't care - if he comes back around you will wonder why you were so enamored with him in the first place. Delete his number from your phone. Destroy any other contact info - email, IM, address, etc. Delete/block him from your facebook and/or myspace. Throw or give away artifacts from your relationship - if you must keep things make sure they are put in an largely inaccessable place - when you move out of your mom's house leave them there. Yes, you should find either your own place or a roommate situation...there is nothing more demoralizing than going from living with a romantic partner to your parents' house. Additionally, make sure you keep yourself busy with things that interest you and enrich your life. Participate in a hobby, take a class, join a gym, volunteer. Go out with girlfriends, make new friends. When you need to talk about your ex, do it with a trusted friend, or write it out. If you can afford it, take a trip to somewhere you've never been - solo travelling is totally empowering. Whatever you do, do NOT have sex with your ex again. If you do, you'll only have yourself to blame - and you're only delaying your own happiness.
dm8bri dm8bri 7 years
Please don't have revenge sex - it doesn't help anything.I agree with earlier posters that by having sex with him you opened yourself to hurt. The relationship ended and he really doesn't owe you anything. Of course, it would be ideal if he cared about you enough to protect your feelings and either refuse to have sex with you or at least not sleep with other people, but that is not reality. What you had in the relationship may have been great, but that is gone now. Please stop trying to change his mind by letting him use you. You don't really want to be with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart, right? The best "revenge" is moving on and having a great life. At first you may hope he notices and feels badly, but eventually you'll be so involved in being awesome that you won't care - if he comes back around you will wonder why you were so enamored with him in the first place. Delete his number from your phone. Destroy any other contact info - email, IM, address, etc. Delete/block him from your facebook and/or myspace. Throw or give away artifacts from your relationship - if you must keep things make sure they are put in an largely inaccessable place - when you move out of your mom's house leave them there. Yes, you should find either your own place or a roommate situation...there is nothing more demoralizing than going from living with a romantic partner to your parents' house. Additionally, make sure you keep yourself busy with things that interest you and enrich your life. Participate in a hobby, take a class, join a gym, volunteer. Go out with girlfriends, make new friends. When you need to talk about your ex, do it with a trusted friend, or write it out. If you can afford it, take a trip to somewhere you've never been - solo travelling is totally empowering.Whatever you do, do NOT have sex with your ex again. If you do, you'll only have yourself to blame - and you're only delaying your own happiness.
care0531 care0531 7 years
It's hard to move on after that long of a relationship and being as close as you were with living together. The main thing you have to do is step back and think to yourself do I really want to work things out and be with someone who doesn't want to give 100% the answer should be no. Besides he seems to me like the type who probably would get a little joy out of seeing you so hurt- so don't give him that satisfaction. Go have revendge sex with some random hottie!
care0531 care0531 7 years
It's hard to move on after that long of a relationship and being as close as you were with living together.The main thing you have to do is step back and think to yourself do I really want to work things out and be with someone who doesn't want to give 100% the answer should be no. Besides he seems to me like the type who probably would get a little joy out of seeing you so hurt- so don't give him that satisfaction. Go have revendge sex with some random hottie!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
No, he didn't drag you through the mud, you did that just fine. He didn't want to marry you, there! Sleeping with him isn't going to change that. Get it through your head. If you feel like visiting a couselor, by all means. For all intents and purposes, you are both finished with each other. Please accept that.
Smacks83 Smacks83 7 years
Amen MissJules! She is making it sounds as if she was the victim of his breakup sex with her. Poor you nothing. YOU are allowing yourself to be used. You did, not him. I think the rest of it sounds normal: heartbreak, dreams, sadden. Breaking up with someone after being with them so long is painful and takes a lot of time to heal from. But its unfair to think he will react the same as you for the simple fact that people "grieve" differently. But as long as you let yourself be used for "breakup sex" then you will never have the space neccessary to move on into another loving and wonderful relationship. Cut ties until you know you are over him (which may take awhile, but it will be worth it).
Smacks83 Smacks83 7 years
Amen MissJules! She is making it sounds as if she was the victim of his breakup sex with her. Poor you nothing. YOU are allowing yourself to be used. You did, not him.I think the rest of it sounds normal: heartbreak, dreams, sadden. Breaking up with someone after being with them so long is painful and takes a lot of time to heal from. But its unfair to think he will react the same as you for the simple fact that people "grieve" differently. But as long as you let yourself be used for "breakup sex" then you will never have the space neccessary to move on into another loving and wonderful relationship. Cut ties until you know you are over him (which may take awhile, but it will be worth it).
MissJules5x MissJules5x 7 years
breakups always suck so i feel for you there but you will definitely get over it eventually. HOWEVER, i can't say i agree with you playing the "victim". your ex boyfriend did not drag you through the mud and theres no such thing as "breakup sex". he was sleeping with you because you were desperate for anything that resembled your old relationship so you continued to ALLOW him to use you because it meant that you could be close to him. he was clearly over the relationship and kept seeing you just for sex and nothing more. he was seeing other people because he was single and he could and you allowed him to sleep with you so he didnt force you to do anything. youre having a hard time with this because the breakup wasnt amicable, but by sleeping with him and continuing to see him after you broke up is your fault. he had sex with you no strings attached and now youre upset because the experience is different for you so youre blaming him. don't call him. don't talk to him. dont see him. eventually it will get better.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 7 years
breakups always suck so i feel for you there but you will definitely get over it eventually. HOWEVER, i can't say i agree with you playing the "victim". your ex boyfriend did not drag you through the mud and theres no such thing as "breakup sex". he was sleeping with you because you were desperate for anything that resembled your old relationship so you continued to ALLOW him to use you because it meant that you could be close to him. he was clearly over the relationship and kept seeing you just for sex and nothing more. he was seeing other people because he was single and he could and you allowed him to sleep with you so he didnt force you to do anything.youre having a hard time with this because the breakup wasnt amicable, but by sleeping with him and continuing to see him after you broke up is your fault. he had sex with you no strings attached and now youre upset because the experience is different for you so youre blaming him.don't call him. don't talk to him. dont see him. eventually it will get better.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 7 years
You have been broken up, but still having sex. Even though you severed the relationship, you are still tied to him physically and therefore you arent allowing yourself a complete split, so you are having feelings, mourning the loss, but hanging on regardless. Do yourself and your self esteem a favor and quit having sex with him, dont call him, see him, for awhile. If after a few months you can think about him without crying...call him , if you feel like "whats the point" in calling him....dont. and move on. btw, another reason you dont move in with someone...it gives you a false sense of "togetherness" that might not be there.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 7 years
You have been broken up, but still having sex. Even though you severed the relationship, you are still tied to him physically and therefore you arent allowing yourself a complete split, so you are having feelings, mourning the loss, but hanging on regardless. Do yourself and your self esteem a favor and quit having sex with him, dont call him, see him, for awhile. If after a few months you can think about him without crying...call him , if you feel like "whats the point" in calling him....dont. and move on.btw, another reason you dont move in with someone...it gives you a false sense of "togetherness" that might not be there.
lemamike lemamike 7 years
This is very hard to do and might sound harsh but you have to try to come to terms with the fact that your old life doesn't exist anymore.For any situation such as breakups orfriendships ending you need to evaulate things the way they are NOW because that is reality. What they used to be, as amazing as it might have been does not exist. He is a changed person and his feelings change. As much as you can be upset about what once was it's not going to do you any good. The sooner you can try to live your life in the NOW and not in the past the easier things will be.Having said that - easier said than done. Try to keep yourself busy. Join a gym, go to exercise classes. Find people whom you haven't seen in a while and reconnect. Spend time with the people whose relationships you value and are real NOW not that were real once before. Visit family who you haven't spent enough time with. Clean out your stuff, get rid of old clothes. I could go on and on but the more effort you put into the present and the future the easier it will be to put the past behind yo.
lemamike lemamike 7 years
This is very hard to do and might sound harsh but you have to try to come to terms with the fact that your old life doesn't exist anymore. For any situation such as breakups orfriendships ending you need to evaulate things the way they are NOW because that is reality. What they used to be, as amazing as it might have been does not exist. He is a changed person and his feelings change. As much as you can be upset about what once was it's not going to do you any good. The sooner you can try to live your life in the NOW and not in the past the easier things will be. Having said that - easier said than done. Try to keep yourself busy. Join a gym, go to exercise classes. Find people whom you haven't seen in a while and reconnect. Spend time with the people whose relationships you value and are real NOW not that were real once before. Visit family who you haven't spent enough time with. Clean out your stuff, get rid of old clothes. I could go on and on but the more effort you put into the present and the future the easier it will be to put the past behind yo.
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