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You Asked: Is My Boyfriend Gay?


DearSugar --

My boyfriend of 2.5 years says he is not gay, but thus far, he has never been able to orgasm inside me, though he has tested negative for all physical causes of impotence. I'm his first girlfriend and he's 28. He lives in a dorm, and the other day, he told me how he was shocked to find a naked man drying himself off in the middle of the bathroom floor. He repeated this twice. I'm not sure what to make of all this. I'm going absolutely insane because I love him and don't know how I can ever know for sure if he's straight. Thanks! ~ Crazed Kate

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Crazed Kate --

I'm not sure how you'll ever know if your boyfriend is straight or gay, especially if, after almost 3 years, you still don't feel certain, Kate. If health problems are ruled out -- and they usually are -- the challenge becomes understanding the emotional, historical or psychological reasons behind the issue. I wish your partner would enter counseling, as he deserves the experience of a healthy, vital and authentic sexual life, whether he's gay or straight.

And I would say the same to you, Crazed Kate. We all need to explore, experiment with and enjoy our sexuality, and sharing that with a partner is especially satisfying. I know you love this man, but I hope you'll at least allow for the possibility that you can love him and still choose a relationship where you can feel more connected, safe and known, and in more ways.

I wish I had answers for you, but I only have questions, really. Maybe finding answers to these questions will lead you toward your own peace of mind. I hope that's true, at least.

Is your boyfriend troubled by his intimate experiences with you? Has he discussed with you any anxieties about his performance or what happens when you have sex together? Beyond the act itself, is there arousal and passion between the two of you? Is there kissing and touching? Does he initiate? Does he explore your body and ask you questions? Have you done the same with him? Has this issue been present since the beginning of your relationship?

Can you accept, for yourself, this kind of sexual partnership if your boyfriend is straight? Can you accept staying in the relationship and living with the uncertainty? Can you accept leaving the relationship and living with the uncertainty? Do you feel conflicted at all about your need to feel sexy and attractive? How important is it for you to express this part of your life? To what extent do you honestly doubt your partner's sexual orientation? Do you feel you need a concrete piece of evidence in order to legitimately move on from this relationship?

You might be surprised how many of us have experienced this particular dilemma. And many of us have felt kinda crazy throughout the experience. Sometimes, Crazed Kate, we must end relationships because of how powerfully unhappy we are, not with the person or the entire connection, but because something fundamental and crucial can not be resolved or shared with us. Others find they can move through and past core differences because so many other needs are met within the relationship. Even without certain knowledge about your boyfriend's orientation, I think it would be wise if you began to think about which choices you can make for yourself, and for your own reasons. Good luck, Kate.

Ladies, please help if you can.

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DCStar DCStar 9 years
I think the words "Gay" or "Straight" are too defining. We all have preferences that go so far beyond men vs. women. Hair color, height, humor, education, etc. If it's that big of a deal to you and you aren't sure about your boyfriend, it'll probably bug you forever and torment your relationship.
bookgirl bookgirl 9 years
He may not be gay, he may just have problems with intimacy. I dated a guy for 2 years who had problems in the bedroom. He was always nervous and had problems climaxing. He's not gay, he was just insecure (and still is). He was 25 when I dated him and I was his first so his lack of experience came into play.
Vannuccia Vannuccia 9 years
A sheltered upbringing doesn't mean he's gay.
Deba Deba 9 years
Well many girls had lived the experienced of falling for a gay guy, 'cause he was covering his sexual preferences so other people wouldnt judge him
andaman andaman 9 years
Like I said being gay is absolutely '' normal ". I think he needs your support. He's probably afraid of being judged by people.
andaman andaman 9 years
After reading some of the comments, my feeling is still the same. Your boyfriend is either gay or bisexual. Many people have talked about their past in this thread. So here goes one of my stories. I went travelling with a very attractive guy in college (as part of a group, we were very good friends, I've never had sex with him), he talked a lot about other people in uni who were gay, one of his gay friends was coming to visit him in his country, during the trip he also talked about his ex girlfriend who he had a lot of sex with. Anyway when we got back to london he went clubbing with another guy (openly gay) and stayed the night with him. At that point I thought urmmm interesting. I walked in on them in their room, They were just talking but I could tell they felt really uncomfortable that I saw them together alone. That guy eventually left the room and I think my friend broke it off with him. He thought it was because of me he then really disliked me. When my friend went back to his country he avoided answering questions about his love life via emails. Eventually it became clear to me that he was gay and that during uni years he experimented but he eventually discovered he loved men more than women. He's never told me he's gay but I kind of know. Sometimes people don't tell because they feel being gay is abnormal or they're afraid you might tell their families. Good luck trying to ask your boyfriend girl.
Deba Deba 9 years
At this point I WOULD ASK.
Deba Deba 9 years
At this point I WOULD ASK.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
Why is a 28 year old living in a dorm? I think that makes him pretty gay.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
There really isn't enough information in there to go buy. Being impotent doesn't mean you are gay, and he probably was surprised to see someone naked drying off in the middle of the bathroom. So really, the only flag for me was that you have this instinct about him. I wonder if you've always had it, or if you are just looking for a reason to explain the sex problems?Either way, sorry you are going through this. I think time will tell.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
There really isn't enough information in there to go buy. Being impotent doesn't mean you are gay, and he probably was surprised to see someone naked drying off in the middle of the bathroom. So really, the only flag for me was that you have this instinct about him. I wonder if you've always had it, or if you are just looking for a reason to explain the sex problems? Either way, sorry you are going through this. I think time will tell.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
Hmmm... in college I had a guy who had the same problem with impotence. I gave him 3 months so you are three times the lady I am. Yes he was homohobic etc and for a while after we broke up I thought he was gay. Well, we stayed as friends and 12 years later we are still friends. Hey, just so that you know...... he was not gay, not at all. Impotence, premature ejaculation and homophobia does not add up to gay. Though he may have psychological issues he may need to treat with medical help. If he does not make you happy however, whether he is gay or not doesn't matter -- you are not in a fully functional relationship and you should insist he get therapy or get out of there.
rkdub rkdub 9 years
Also, keep in mind that even if he isn't gay... the pressure to "perform" so to speak could be keeping him from enjoying sex. Maybe he has inadequacy issues, or maybe he just feels like he can't experiment with you the way he wants to.... keep that in mind too, the pressure you are feeling to resolve the issue may also be felt by him, and that can lead to all kinds of sexual issues...
andaman andaman 9 years
I think YES, he sounds like he is very much interested in men. He could be bisexual though. But I suspect yes, he is gay. I think you could ask him about it in a very diplomatic way. If he feels stress out about it, suggest seeing someone professional, i have many gay friends who dated women in their uni years. Some of them even married women before. I also have gay friends who married to women but still have sex with men. It takes all sorts. The best thing to do is make sure he doesn't feel like being gay is abnormal. There is nothing wrong with him.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
I dated a guy in college for a few months and one day after a visit to his parents for the weekend, he came back and said "I just got a book from my Grandma, it's called `Exploring your sexuality'". And I was like okay, so what does this mean, and he was like "I think I might be gay". Turns out he was, so that was the end of that. Your boyfriend sounds at least Bi, and there's nothing wrong with that as long as he is happy being in a monogamous relationshp with you. Maybe he needs to go to a therapist to sort out his sexual issues if there is nothing medical wrong. Either way, you two really need to have a long serious talk about your future.
Marci Marci 9 years
I don't think it matters as much if your boyfriend is or isn't gay, as the fact that you have questions about him is. If after 3 years together you're wondering such a thing, it seems that things aren't right between you, as a couple. When there are questions about anything like that, the relationship just isn't working, if you ask me.
lms lms 9 years
My Mom told me that she thought 2 of my boyfriends when I was younger were gay. Both of them are now married/engaged, but always had gay rumors swirling around them from many other people. I personally believe they are probably bi. I have 2 guy cousins that are gay and they were/are artsy, very soft spoken, emotional. I always thought they were even before they came out(at least one of them). One of them had many 2-3 yr relationships with girls. The other one doesn't talk about it, but it is known in our family. Your instincts are normally right. If you feel something is wrong then there may be. Try to pay attention to see if there are any other signs and then make your decision. Good luck.
lms lms 9 years
My Mom told me that she thought 2 of my boyfriends when I was younger were gay. Both of them are now married/engaged, but always had gay rumors swirling around them from many other people. I personally believe they are probably bi. I have 2 guy cousins that are gay and they were/are artsy, very soft spoken, emotional. I always thought they were even before they came out(at least one of them). One of them had many 2-3 yr relationships with girls. The other one doesn't talk about it, but it is known in our family.Your instincts are normally right. If you feel something is wrong then there may be. Try to pay attention to see if there are any other signs and then make your decision. Good luck.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i had a bf in college that later came out. he was VERY anti gay, as if he was trying to deny it to himself, convince himself or some such thing. i don't think it's THAT odd that he has bedroom issues and you are his first gf. i say that because at 28, THAT in itself is sort of off and tells you something. i'm guessing there is a personal issue, ie he was raised very strict catholic or something similar where premarital sex was a big no-no. looking back there weren't HUGE red flags saying my bf was gay, but seriously, he liked to pick out my clothes and loved my shoe collection. that was sort of different, you know?
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i had a bf in college that later came out. he was VERY anti gay, as if he was trying to deny it to himself, convince himself or some such thing. i don't think it's THAT odd that he has bedroom issues and you are his first gf. i say that because at 28, THAT in itself is sort of off and tells you something. i'm guessing there is a personal issue, ie he was raised very strict catholic or something similar where premarital sex was a big no-no. looking back there weren't HUGE red flags saying my bf was gay, but seriously, he liked to pick out my clothes and loved my shoe collection. that was sort of different, you know?
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