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You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Have Sex With Me

You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Have Sex With Me

Dear Sugar,

I really don't know what to do. I have been in a relationship for two years and we've been living together for a year and a half. I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 34. A year ago he lost his job as a result of downsizing, and he spiraled into a depression. I stuck by him, supported him financially, and tried to get him out of his funk. I did this at the expense of a lot of my own goals and ambitions.

Shortly after he lost his job, his sex drive dropped significantly. Three
months later, we stopped having sex completely, despite my attempts. He got another job three months ago, but we still haven't had sex. I assumed it would get better once he got back on his feet, but it hasn't and I'm going crazy!

He has no interest in sex, refuses to talk about it, and refuses to go to therapy. Meanwhile, I am finding myself more and more attracted to a co-worker, who I know is interested in me too.

I love my boyfriend, and despite everything, he is a very nice guy
who has always been sweet and treated me with respect. We laugh and otherwise have a great relationship, but the bottom line is I need sex. Is it okay to leave an otherwise-okay relationship because of no sex?

—Wanting Some Action Anna

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Wanting Some Action Anna,

I can hear your frustration Anna. Your boyfriend is the only person you get to have sex with (that is if you remain faithful), and if he's not wanting to share that kind of intimacy with you (and not even willing to talk about it), then he's going to end up with one very sexually frustrated girlfriend. I don't blame you for letting your eyes wander. You're way too young to be in a relationship where you're not getting everything you want and need.

I do understand where your guy is coming from though. Men have this idea that they should be able to support their girlfriend financially. They want to feel like your rock and when he lost his job, he lost the ability to take care of you in that way. Sex was probably the last thing on his mind, which is understandable, and now that he's found a job, I bet he's waiting till he feels a little bit more secure. Once that happens, he'll feel happier about himself, more confident, and more in the mood for love.

How long could that take is the million dollar question here. You've already been beyond patient, so it's time for a big chat with your man. Explain that you love him, that you understand what he's been through, but you need that intimate connection that you've been missing. I'm sure that should get him to start talking, and with open communication, you're on your way to a better sex life. I wouldn't wait too long - relationships are all about give and take so if things don't change soon, it's time to seek out what you desire.


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