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You Asked: My Dream About Him Cheating Has Me Paranoid

Dear Sugar,

I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a year now and things have been great. But a few months ago, I had a dream that he was cheating on me. Ever since I've kept getting these unfounded ideas in my head that he might be doing things that I don't approve of. Recently my paranoia turned into serious jealousy when I found out that there were going to be strippers at his soon-to-be brother-in-law's bachelor party.

I expressed my concern and he decided not to go even though his sister and brother-in-law were disappointed, and his parents told him that they thought I was being too controlling. Then recently, he made a joke to his brother about checking out other girls, but I still felt a little miffed and told him so — my dream kept echoing in the back of my head. He said that he would never act on it, but that he didn't think it was a big deal to notice a pretty girl.

I totally disagree with him, and find that kind of behavior very disrespectful of me and our relationship. Now he thinks that I'm overly jealous and that I don't trust him at all. I really don't want to be controlling and harsh, but I do want him to respect my feelings. I just can't get this dream out of my head! All of these issues never existed before, and now they won't go away. How can I control my jealousy and paranoia?

— Paranoid Dreamer Delia

To see DearSugar's answer,

.

Dear Paranoid Dreamer Delia,

I consider dreams more of an expression of our own anxieties and desires that hide back in the farthest reaches of our consciousness, rather than some kind of crystal ball that reveals the future. Most likely, the dream about your boyfriend has brought up a lot of insecurities that you already had but weren't able to acknowledge. Jealousy is completely natural, but when it starts to negatively affect your relationship and your emotions, it's time to take a step back.

To move past this terrible dream, I'd start focusing all of your attention on the reality of your situation. Just as your dream doesn't become real simply because you had it, your boyfriend casually glancing at a pretty woman doesn't make him capable of infidelity because you're feeling notably more paranoid than usual.

There's nothing wrong with expressing your concerns about the bachelor party, but it's important to also acknowledge that your boyfriend chose to disappoint his family in order to avoid hurting you. I think that shows a great deal of respect for your feelings and your relationship. The more you note the way the emotions around your dream are affecting your relationship and blocking you from thinking about things rationally, the easier it will be to properly react to a situation.

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moxierain moxierain 7 years
People notice who is attractive and who isn't, just because they do, doesn't mean they will act on it. Yeah cheating is always in the back of peoples minds even guys worry about it. Just trust him until he gives you a reason to not trust him. If he ever cheats then you can break up with him or choose to work it out? Myself, I would just pick up the pieces and move on and find someone who does want to stay faithful to me.
moxierain moxierain 7 years
People notice who is attractive and who isn't, just because they do, doesn't mean they will act on it. Yeah cheating is always in the back of peoples minds even guys worry about it. Just trust him until he gives you a reason to not trust him. If he ever cheats then you can break up with him or choose to work it out? Myself, I would just pick up the pieces and move on and find someone who does want to stay faithful to me.
designerel designerel 7 years
i don't think him noticing other girls is "disrespectful." like others have said, it is common nature to notice attractive people. as long as he is doing it quietly to himself and not making comments about how that girl in aisle 6 is super freaking hot, i don't see the problem. keeping him from going to the bachelor party was a bad move. you come off as really controlling. he's not going to cheat on you with the stripper-- taking off her clothes is her JOB. she goes in, does her thing and leaves. it's not like she's a hooker, this is what she does to pay the bills. you are overreacting. i'm sure that dream was not fun, but your bf never gave you any reason for you to distrust him. when you overheard that comment about him checking out girls, he was probably just joking around with his brother. it's what guys do, they like to sound macho or whatever. go figure.
designerel designerel 7 years
i don't think him noticing other girls is "disrespectful." like others have said, it is common nature to notice attractive people. as long as he is doing it quietly to himself and not making comments about how that girl in aisle 6 is super freaking hot, i don't see the problem.keeping him from going to the bachelor party was a bad move. you come off as really controlling. he's not going to cheat on you with the stripper-- taking off her clothes is her JOB. she goes in, does her thing and leaves. it's not like she's a hooker, this is what she does to pay the bills. you are overreacting. i'm sure that dream was not fun, but your bf never gave you any reason for you to distrust him. when you overheard that comment about him checking out girls, he was probably just joking around with his brother. it's what guys do, they like to sound macho or whatever. go figure.
rashell rashell 7 years
wow, people are being mean about this. i think you should calm down and investigate. i had dreams daily about my ex and things going on and sure enough, he was cheating -- for about 6 months. so, don't freak out until/unless you find out there is something to freak out about. good luck dear.
rashell rashell 7 years
wow, people are being mean about this.i think you should calm down and investigate.i had dreams daily about my ex and things going on and sure enough, he was cheating -- for about 6 months.so, don't freak out until/unless you find out there is something to freak out about.good luck dear.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 7 years
paging the PSYCH ward...line 1...PSYCHo line 1!wow, you have issues and if you don't control yourself the only one that will take him away from you...is YOU!
gossipqueen gossipqueen 7 years
paging the PSYCH ward...line 1...PSYCHo line 1! wow, you have issues and if you don't control yourself the only one that will take him away from you...is YOU!
geebers geebers 7 years
You need to take a step back and understand why ONE dream is affecting you so badly. If everything was fine and dandy before you had this dream - then why are you suddenly behaving as if the dream is a reality?? You need to tell your BF you had this dream and are working through it.
hoosiergirl98 hoosiergirl98 7 years
Keeping him from his future BIL's bachelor party?? Seriously?? Get over yourself. Now his family thinks you're a loon and that probably won't ever change. You just created a lose-lose situation in regards to your future.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
My boyfriend and I both have had cheating dreams and we'll wake up unable to shake the dream and be involuntarily mad at the other. We laugh about it of course and it hasn't caused insecurity or jealous behavior...but it sounds like your dream has brought out the worst of your jealousy. I doubt that you were lacking jealousy before, this has just given you an excuse to voice your concerns openly now. If you continue to control his every move because your insecurities are getting the best of you, you are going to push him away. No one wants a girl who gets pissed at them for looking at another girl. IMO there is nothing wrong with looking. And sorry to say this sweetie but you're not going to find a guy who never looks in the opposite sex's direction. It's innocent...I even check out other guys. They may even be more attractive than my boyfriend but you know what is going through my head when I see the attractive guy? Absolutely nothing! No daydreams about having an illicit affair...no licking my lips at the site of a nice tush! I've heard plenty of guys say it's the same for them...they take in the looks and don't give it another thought! I'd get these thoughts of yours in check and lay off of the jealous behavior if I were you. Sounds as though your man hasn't done anything worthy of your behavior or thoughts.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
My boyfriend and I both have had cheating dreams and we'll wake up unable to shake the dream and be involuntarily mad at the other. We laugh about it of course and it hasn't caused insecurity or jealous behavior...but it sounds like your dream has brought out the worst of your jealousy. I doubt that you were lacking jealousy before, this has just given you an excuse to voice your concerns openly now. If you continue to control his every move because your insecurities are getting the best of you, you are going to push him away. No one wants a girl who gets pissed at them for looking at another girl. IMO there is nothing wrong with looking. And sorry to say this sweetie but you're not going to find a guy who never looks in the opposite sex's direction. It's innocent...I even check out other guys. They may even be more attractive than my boyfriend but you know what is going through my head when I see the attractive guy? Absolutely nothing! No daydreams about having an illicit affair...no licking my lips at the site of a nice tush! I've heard plenty of guys say it's the same for them...they take in the looks and don't give it another thought!I'd get these thoughts of yours in check and lay off of the jealous behavior if I were you. Sounds as though your man hasn't done anything worthy of your behavior or thoughts.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
So, let's say 80% of women have these dreams, and 50% of men cheat, it's likely that lots of people will have dreams their SO is cheating and then find out they were. I don't think it means those women are extra special prescient. It's just math. Anyway, I have had these dreams. They are unnerving, but obviously, not real. I think you need to sit your BF down and talk to him about what happened and about your fears. No one ever kept a man around for long being as controlling as you are. If he's going to leave you, he'll do it whether you allow him to go to a strip club or not.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
So, let's say 80% of women have these dreams, and 50% of men cheat, it's likely that lots of people will have dreams their SO is cheating and then find out they were. I don't think it means those women are extra special prescient. It's just math.Anyway, I have had these dreams. They are unnerving, but obviously, not real.I think you need to sit your BF down and talk to him about what happened and about your fears.No one ever kept a man around for long being as controlling as you are. If he's going to leave you, he'll do it whether you allow him to go to a strip club or not.
kendalheart kendalheart 7 years
Well noticing other beautiful girls IS natural...sounds controlling to me!
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
I think that is a common dream. I've had it several times. There have been times my BF has one like that. Once in a while we'll wake up and have an attitude and the other will be like........"OK who was I doing wrong in your dream" and talk about it and laugh. If he gives you no reason not to trust him you need to give him that respect. And the checking out other girls thing....you have to let that go. It's part of life. If anything just tell him if he's going to be checking out other girls not to let you know about it (which I think is not really a great thing......but under the circumstances). My BF doesn't usually point out hot girls to me, he waits for ME to point them out to him.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
I think that is a common dream. I've had it several times. There have been times my BF has one like that. Once in a while we'll wake up and have an attitude and the other will be like........"OK who was I doing wrong in your dream" and talk about it and laugh.If he gives you no reason not to trust him you need to give him that respect. And the checking out other girls thing....you have to let that go. It's part of life. If anything just tell him if he's going to be checking out other girls not to let you know about it (which I think is not really a great thing......but under the circumstances). My BF doesn't usually point out hot girls to me, he waits for ME to point them out to him.
kikidawn kikidawn 7 years
I, too, have had the cheating dreams... only my SO was cheating on me with his ex lol... that was not cool! But I know he'd never cheat on me and definitely not with her. I agree with the above posters who say that checking out the opposite sex is only natural. I know my guy does it... I don't like it but when I think about him doing that and start to get upset ... I think about how I think this guy or that actor or whatever was cute and realize it is only natural. I do agree with you (and the other posters) when you say you don't like him going to strip clubs. I don't like the idea of my guy doing that (and he never has). His best friend's 21st is coming up and last year (his 20th) he said he was going to have a big party and go to a strip club with 'all his guys' (which includes my SO). At that time we were all together and he looked at me and told me I wasn't invited cause I'd be a downer at the party (b/c I'm a girl ... lol). Well, I wasn't cool with my guy going to the strip club so I talked to him about it and asked him what he was going to do (go or not). He said he probably isn't going to be going b/c he knows I don't like it and he told me that isn't really his thing (and I know it's not -- please people don't tell me I'm blind and naive... I know when he is lying and when he is not!). The best thing about all of this is that he respected your opinion and didn't go to the strip club. Try to get past the dream and realize what a great guy you have. I know it'll be hard ... I've had jealousy issues (and still do) for a long time, but slowly I've gotten better and believe me it makes a difference!
kikidawn kikidawn 7 years
I, too, have had the cheating dreams... only my SO was cheating on me with his ex lol... that was not cool! But I know he'd never cheat on me and definitely not with her. I agree with the above posters who say that checking out the opposite sex is only natural. I know my guy does it... I don't like it but when I think about him doing that and start to get upset ... I think about how I think this guy or that actor or whatever was cute and realize it is only natural.I do agree with you (and the other posters) when you say you don't like him going to strip clubs. I don't like the idea of my guy doing that (and he never has). His best friend's 21st is coming up and last year (his 20th) he said he was going to have a big party and go to a strip club with 'all his guys' (which includes my SO). At that time we were all together and he looked at me and told me I wasn't invited cause I'd be a downer at the party (b/c I'm a girl ... lol). Well, I wasn't cool with my guy going to the strip club so I talked to him about it and asked him what he was going to do (go or not). He said he probably isn't going to be going b/c he knows I don't like it and he told me that isn't really his thing (and I know it's not -- please people don't tell me I'm blind and naive... I know when he is lying and when he is not!). The best thing about all of this is that he respected your opinion and didn't go to the strip club. Try to get past the dream and realize what a great guy you have. I know it'll be hard ... I've had jealousy issues (and still do) for a long time, but slowly I've gotten better and believe me it makes a difference!
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 7 years
i understand all your insecureties. i have them. Insted of feeling bad when my hunny is checking out a pretty girl (i look at hot guys) i find them first and give him a nuge "hey baby! check her out. what do you think?" BTW... my Papa taught a Dream Class is the 70's at CSUF..... you are probibly dreaming about your own insecureties. Has nothign to do with what he is doing. Learn from your dreams. know what is real in your own life and learn about your self conscious from your dreams. cheers!!!!!
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 7 years
i understand all your insecureties. i have them. Insted of feeling bad when my hunny is checking out a pretty girl (i look at hot guys) i find them first and give him a nuge "hey baby! check her out. what do you think?"BTW... my Papa taught a Dream Class is the 70's at CSUF..... you are probibly dreaming about your own insecureties. Has nothign to do with what he is doing.Learn from your dreams. know what is real in your own life and learn about your self conscious from your dreams. cheers!!!!!
Luxury-Diva Luxury-Diva 7 years
I only have one thing to say, INVESTIGATE! I had a dream one morning, TRUE STORY, My man was actually sleeping with this unknown person. I woke up hysterical. I woke him up because I needed answers and fast! 30 min. later his cellphone rings and something said answer it! I don't usually get up to check his phone. It was the "other" Woman. So call me psychic or whatever, The day that I had the dream is the day I found out my man was cheating!!!!
MisterPinkNoTip MisterPinkNoTip 7 years
I think you are being highly unreasonable/irrational. Remember that these feelings you are having are manifestations of your own insecurities, and I would suggest working on these things by yourself before discussing them with your boyfriend. That way you can go into the situation with a more level head.Additionally, what's wrong with noticing someone attractive? You do it too, and I'll bet it's more often than you think. The guy who just delivered my food was super sexy, but I certainley wasn't cheating or hurting anyone by checking him out. Also, it sounds like your boyfriend is being accomidating by not going to the bachelor party and by sticking up for you to his parents who think you are controlling (and I must agree with them). Talk to your boyfriend and tell him that these trust issues are because of you, not due to his actions (after taking some time to figure them out for yourself a bit). Then maybe he can help you work through them.
MisterPinkNoTip MisterPinkNoTip 7 years
I think you are being highly unreasonable/irrational. Remember that these feelings you are having are manifestations of your own insecurities, and I would suggest working on these things by yourself before discussing them with your boyfriend. That way you can go into the situation with a more level head. Additionally, what's wrong with noticing someone attractive? You do it too, and I'll bet it's more often than you think. The guy who just delivered my food was super sexy, but I certainley wasn't cheating or hurting anyone by checking him out. Also, it sounds like your boyfriend is being accomidating by not going to the bachelor party and by sticking up for you to his parents who think you are controlling (and I must agree with them). Talk to your boyfriend and tell him that these trust issues are because of you, not due to his actions (after taking some time to figure them out for yourself a bit). Then maybe he can help you work through them.
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