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You Asked: Are My Feelings Justified?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I went to a party on a Saturday night. We had a great time and as the night progressed, the drinks started to flow. A dance party erupted in the living room and as I was talking with some girlfriends off to the side, I saw my boyfriend dancing rather inappropriately with a girl I had never met before. I was pretty taken a back and honestly, I'm still really upset about it. My friends seem to think it was no big deal, especially since I was at the party with him, but I can't help but worry about his behavior when I'm not around. I don't want to cause an unnecessary fight, but I'm really hurt. Am I overreacting? — Perturbed Penelope

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Perturbed Penelope,

If you're upset with your boyfriend's actions at the party, you should most definitely talk to him about it. Your friends are entitled to their opinion, but this is your relationship, not theirs, and if your feelings are hurt, you're not overreacting.

You mentioned that you're concerned with the way your boyfriend behaves when you're not around so I have to ask if he's acted inappropriately before. Regardless, what matters most here is that you're secure in your relationship, and it doesn't sound like you are. In an effort to avoid an argument, approach your boyfriend in a very nonthreatening manor. Let him know that his actions hurt your feelings, and if he doesn't understand where you're coming from, simply ask him how he'd feel if you were dancing the same way with a man he's never met before — I have a feeling he'll get it once you reverse the situation! Hopefully, a good heart to heart will smooth things over — good luck.

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goldilocks0078 goldilocks0078 7 years
You're not overreacting at all! I would be very hurt by it. I think you sit down with him and be honest. He might have thought nothing of it and be surprised that it bothered you, or it might be an indication of something else.
potterlove potterlove 7 years
You're not overreacting. Since it's been a fun night, sure, people are loosening up more. But if your man starts getting a little too much with a stranger (especially in front of you), then it's only right that you react to it. And of course, with that thought, you wonder what else has he done with other women that you haven't seen. Not to accuse him right off, but you have a right to thinking along these lines.If's not overreacting, it's (sorry--sorry!!) love. Your reaction to this situation only proves that you can get a little territorial on your boyfriend. Normal human behavior.
potterlove potterlove 7 years
You're not overreacting. Since it's been a fun night, sure, people are loosening up more. But if your man starts getting a little too much with a stranger (especially in front of you), then it's only right that you react to it. And of course, with that thought, you wonder what else has he done with other women that you haven't seen. Not to accuse him right off, but you have a right to thinking along these lines. If's not overreacting, it's (sorry--sorry!!) love. Your reaction to this situation only proves that you can get a little territorial on your boyfriend. Normal human behavior.
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 7 years
i go with the last thing....find a new boyfriend!
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 7 years
I think what he definitely did was really rude. totally inappropriate of him. here maybe this video will work! its kinda funny http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-stop-your-boyfriend-flirting-with-party-girls
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 7 years
I think what he definitely did was really rude. totally inappropriate of him. here maybe this video will work! its kinda funnyhttp://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-stop-your-boyfriend-flirting-with-party-girls
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 7 years
If it was inappropriate to her, then obviously it wasn't comfortable for her to watch.I think it's disrespectful and you aren't overeacting. I would talk to him about it and let him know it bothered you. If he doesn't understand why you're upset, then you know you have a problem.
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 7 years
If it was inappropriate to her, then obviously it wasn't comfortable for her to watch. I think it's disrespectful and you aren't overeacting. I would talk to him about it and let him know it bothered you. If he doesn't understand why you're upset, then you know you have a problem.
Symphonee Symphonee 7 years
It all depends on your level of comfort. I would have no problem with it to a certain point because I dance with other guys because bf doesn't dance.Obviously you are not comfortable with HOW they were dancing and you need to let him know. There is nothing wrong with feeling how you felt as long as your honest about it and give him a chance to correct it for the future.
Symphonee Symphonee 7 years
It all depends on your level of comfort. I would have no problem with it to a certain point because I dance with other guys because bf doesn't dance. Obviously you are not comfortable with HOW they were dancing and you need to let him know. There is nothing wrong with feeling how you felt as long as your honest about it and give him a chance to correct it for the future.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 7 years
Dancing is not cheating, so overreacting. I'm sure you see it as grinding and sexual, but a lot of guys don't know how else to dance. Back and forth is just easy. I would get REALLY pissed if my bf got mad at me for jumping around dancing and having a good time or dancing salsa with really good leads. Anyway, he went home with you. That's what matters to me, the rest is just fun.If you have big problems with it you need to ask him what he thinks about what he did.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 7 years
Dancing is not cheating, so overreacting. I'm sure you see it as grinding and sexual, but a lot of guys don't know how else to dance. Back and forth is just easy. I would get REALLY pissed if my bf got mad at me for jumping around dancing and having a good time or dancing salsa with really good leads. Anyway, he went home with you. That's what matters to me, the rest is just fun. If you have big problems with it you need to ask him what he thinks about what he did.
Anne26 Anne26 7 years
Dump him bc he is disrespectful..
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 7 years
I don't think you're overreacting, and I DEFINITELY don't think you need to apologize. FOR WHAT? you've done nothing wrong! I think I second everyone else here- communication is what you need. clear boundaries. because obviously, some ppl think it's uncool, and some people think it's fine. discern what you think with him, and then from now on, when he does it, you'll know whether he's just partying, or whether he truly doesn't care about how you feel.
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 7 years
I don't think you're overreacting, and I DEFINITELY don't think you need to apologize. FOR WHAT? you've done nothing wrong! I think I second everyone else here- communication is what you need. clear boundaries. because obviously, some ppl think it's uncool, and some people think it's fine. discern what you think with him, and then from now on, when he does it, you'll know whether he's just partying, or whether he truly doesn't care about how you feel.
designerel designerel 7 years
I'd feel the same way if it happened to me. Talk to him... don't keep it to yourself.
geebers geebers 7 years
Can I just concur with Sjo33: "a lot of the problems on Dear could be fixed with better communication. That's why people come here... because they need validation that their worries and insecurities are really legit so that they feel empowered to communicate that there is a problem. So please, enough with the little side comments"
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
You're justified. It is a blatant disrespect to grind with some other girl in the first place if you have a girlfriend, but just absolutely foolish to do it in front of her. You need to have a serious talk with this guy. I mean, he probably had no ill intentions, but that doesn't make it any better. If he refuses to give it up, then it would be a deal breaker. If he gets offended, I'd ask him what his major malfunction was to be thinking that it was remotely close to okay to do that. If my boyfriend did this, chances are I'd over-react and slap him, because I don't take sh*t like that. Ever. For any reason....and being drunk is not an excuse. Anyone who says they don't know what they're doing when they are drunk, I would say BS to...because even when I get sh*tfaced, I know PERFECTLY well what I am doing. I'm not saying that my inhibitions aren't lowered -- but I still know the difference between right and wrong, stupid and smart. I still know what I am doing at all times.
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
You're justified. It is a blatant disrespect to grind with some other girl in the first place if you have a girlfriend, but just absolutely foolish to do it in front of her. You need to have a serious talk with this guy. I mean, he probably had no ill intentions, but that doesn't make it any better. If he refuses to give it up, then it would be a deal breaker. If he gets offended, I'd ask him what his major malfunction was to be thinking that it was remotely close to okay to do that. If my boyfriend did this, chances are I'd over-react and slap him, because I don't take sh*t like that. Ever. For any reason. ...and being drunk is not an excuse. Anyone who says they don't know what they're doing when they are drunk, I would say BS to...because even when I get sh*tfaced, I know PERFECTLY well what I am doing. I'm not saying that my inhibitions aren't lowered -- but I still know the difference between right and wrong, stupid and smart. I still know what I am doing at all times.
Smacks83 Smacks83 7 years
I don't care if my bf dances with other girls...it would be the grinding up on them that would piss me the hell off.I agree, I think she would have been overreacting if she had b*tch slapped some people and began screaming at him at the party. She should jsut pull him aside when they are alone and just let him know she was bothered by his behavior and ask him how would he feel if he saw some drunk guy grinding up on her. His reaction will let you know how he really feels about you.
Smacks83 Smacks83 7 years
I don't care if my bf dances with other girls...it would be the grinding up on them that would piss me the hell off. I agree, I think she would have been overreacting if she had b*tch slapped some people and began screaming at him at the party. She should jsut pull him aside when they are alone and just let him know she was bothered by his behavior and ask him how would he feel if he saw some drunk guy grinding up on her. His reaction will let you know how he really feels about you.
7showgirl7 7showgirl7 7 years
Talking is the only way to go in order to have a good relationship, if it bothered you I don't think you overreacted, but after talking about it let it go.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
The 'grinding' thing with a stranger only works if both parties (bf-gf) have mutual understanding that it's cool to do so. Personally, I'd think it's disrespectful to your SO to do that. I'm just old world about these things. I'm not going to be happy if my hubby went out on the dance floor and start grinding some woman and the two of them go at it (well, part of it is because my hub doesn't dance ever LOL). And vice versa with my hub, he's not going to be happy seeing me grinding up some guy at a bar (in fact, that's why he broke up with his ex-gf in the past). I don't think she's overreacting for feeling the way she feels. People feel all sorts of things all the time, but I have to commend her for not starting a fight or throwing hissy fits in public although she felt hurt and upset.OP still has to sit down and talk to the bf and explain what type of boundaries are acceptable for their relationship. Since they're like these young generation couples, and from some responses, it seems that it's very cool/natural for guys to pull this off in front of their gfs...because it's fun or whatnot.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
The 'grinding' thing with a stranger only works if both parties (bf-gf) have mutual understanding that it's cool to do so. Personally, I'd think it's disrespectful to your SO to do that. I'm just old world about these things. I'm not going to be happy if my hubby went out on the dance floor and start grinding some woman and the two of them go at it (well, part of it is because my hub doesn't dance ever LOL). And vice versa with my hub, he's not going to be happy seeing me grinding up some guy at a bar (in fact, that's why he broke up with his ex-gf in the past). I don't think she's overreacting for feeling the way she feels. People feel all sorts of things all the time, but I have to commend her for not starting a fight or throwing hissy fits in public although she felt hurt and upset. OP still has to sit down and talk to the bf and explain what type of boundaries are acceptable for their relationship. Since they're like these young generation couples, and from some responses, it seems that it's very cool/natural for guys to pull this off in front of their gfs...because it's fun or whatnot.
Miss-Senorita Miss-Senorita 7 years
I don't blame her for feeling that way but all she has to do is sit him down like Dear said and talk to him about it.
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