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You Asked: My Friends Have Changed

Dear Sugar,

I have a tight-knit group of girlfriends that I have been close to for the past two years. They've been a great support to me during this time, but lately something is different. I'm not sure if I've changed or if they have, but we just don't seem to get along anymore. They've been really rude and angry to me lately for no reason. It's like they're ganging up on me, and I keep getting the feeling that they're talking about be while I'm not there.

I have been very busy between work and school, and I haven't been able to spend much time with them. They've been very judgmental of me, and there have even been a few incidents when I caught them avoiding me or ignoring my calls. I'm really sick of this, but I don't have many other people I can turn to. I miss the way things were, but I don't want to subject myself to this anymore. What should I do?

— Abandoned Alicia

To see Dear Sugar's answer

.

Dear Abandoned Alicia,

I wish I could give you a reason for why you're friends have suddenly turned their backs on you, but unfortunately, it's impossible to guess. It's not all too uncommon for friends to drift apart as life gets in the way. I'd let your friends know how much you care for them and how their actions are making you feel. Make sure they understand that you want to be spending time with them, it's just that your schedule is really overwhelming and ask them to bare with you. Try planning girls' nights in advance — throw a movie party or plan a taco night.

If they continue to treat you like this, you might want to let them go. Friends are meant to be there for you during the good times and the bad, they're not there to make you feel guilty or bad about yourself. Perhaps time will make them see their immaturity, but it may not be worth waiting around to find out. Making new friends is always challenging, but it's also completely rewarding!

Source

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Join The Conversation
tinyspark tinyspark 7 years
I have some "friends" (more like acquaintances) that get pissy at me because I never call them, they never see me, etc, etc. Then, there are my real friends, who understand that I am busy with work and school, and who wish me well and offer me encouragement every time we get together. Tell these b**ches to grow up already!
tinyspark tinyspark 7 years
I have some "friends" (more like acquaintances) that get pissy at me because I never call them, they never see me, etc, etc.Then, there are my real friends, who understand that I am busy with work and school, and who wish me well and offer me encouragement every time we get together.Tell these b**ches to grow up already!
Ikandy Ikandy 7 years
True friends build u up...not put u down. You're working and going to school, which is VERY hard to do. They should b much more understanding if they want good things for u. Id drop 'em like its hot!!! I understand that u r lonely, but ur better off letting go. You'll find new fab friends...
Ikandy Ikandy 7 years
True friends build u up...not put u down. You're working and going to school, which is VERY hard to do. They should b much more understanding if they want good things for u.Id drop 'em like its hot!!!I understand that u r lonely, but ur better off letting go.You'll find new fab friends...
Jennifer777 Jennifer777 7 years
You need to ask them straight out what's going on. Then if the answer is petty you can choose to walk away from them or ignore the fact that they haven't grown up. If they have a legitimate proble you can choose to address it or walk away knowing that you have not grown up as much as them. Whatever happens you will know that you did what you could. Good luck.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 7 years
Friends come and go, and that's a reality, unfortunately. However, that probably won't make you feel better about your current situation. I suggest you talk to them and see how it goes from there. If they still don't make an effort to include you and be friends with you, then ditch them. You don't need negative people in your life. I agree with many of the above posters that they're probably jealous or envious. Its not difficult to go out there and make new friends!
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
I'm sure this is really hard for you. I'm not really sure what kind of advice to give other than agreeing with most of the other comments. I don't think it's worth being friends with people that make you uncomfortable intentionally. You say you guys are really close, you should be able to confront them. If one of my close friends were being nasty or rude I would come straight out and ask what was going on and if it was something I did. They are not really as close as you think if you can't ask them if they have a problem with you or they can't come to you if they do have a problem with you for some reason.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
I'm sure this is really hard for you. I'm not really sure what kind of advice to give other than agreeing with most of the other comments. I don't think it's worth being friends with people that make you uncomfortable intentionally. You say you guys are really close, you should be able to confront them. If one of my close friends were being nasty or rude I would come straight out and ask what was going on and if it was something I did. They are not really as close as you think if you can't ask them if they have a problem with you or they can't come to you if they do have a problem with you for some reason.
ella1978 ella1978 7 years
If there is one thing I understand it's growing up and seeing your "friendship circle" change. I had lots of different circles of friends. I only really stay in touch with two girls from my high school friends, maybe a half dozen consistently from college & even since then I have gone thru different groups of friends. People change, but more importantly YOU change. Somethings that were fun aren't as tollerable anymore. As you grow, so do your tastes and expectations in friends and people. I don't know if talking to them is the best thing. If you are not finding yourself fitting in with them, don't force it, it will only make things more uncomfortable. Hang around as long as you feel comfortable, and then let it slip away if it really isn't for you. You might find that you stay close to one of two of the girls, but not all of them. And don't worry. There are plenty of places to meet people, orginzations, gym classes, all kinds of things. Don't worry about it, there are always new people around to befrend.
ella1978 ella1978 7 years
If there is one thing I understand it's growing up and seeing your "friendship circle" change.I had lots of different circles of friends. I only really stay in touch with two girls from my high school friends, maybe a half dozen consistently from college & even since then I have gone thru different groups of friends.People change, but more importantly YOU change. Somethings that were fun aren't as tollerable anymore. As you grow, so do your tastes and expectations in friends and people.I don't know if talking to them is the best thing. If you are not finding yourself fitting in with them, don't force it, it will only make things more uncomfortable. Hang around as long as you feel comfortable, and then let it slip away if it really isn't for you. You might find that you stay close to one of two of the girls, but not all of them.And don't worry. There are plenty of places to meet people, orginzations, gym classes, all kinds of things. Don't worry about it, there are always new people around to befrend.
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 7 years
The basic "too many females in a group" problem. If you feel the need to have a group of girlfriends, you pretty much have to accept that type of behavior, because the majority of females act this way when there is more than 2-3 females in a group.
nina24 nina24 7 years
I went through a similar situation except the roles were reversed. My group of friends had a great time hanging out with each other, but one of our girlfriends may have gotten a little too comfortable with us and revealed her bad side to us a lot. We realized her personality wasn't compatible with ours at all. She gossiped ALL the time (even about us behind our backs), lied constantly, and she was really clingy and started leeching stuff off of us. Sometimes she would say rude or insensitive things and it was just miserable and annoying to be around her. As a result, we became distant from her and she realized it but she had no clue why until we sat her down and told her. Im not saying you are anything like this, but maybe you should reflect on what you are doing to determine if you are doing something wrong. Definitely talk to them and get it out into the open. Be straight forward about how you are feeling and ask them what the matter is.
nina24 nina24 7 years
I went through a similar situation except the roles were reversed. My group of friends had a great time hanging out with each other, but one of our girlfriends may have gotten a little too comfortable with us and revealed her bad side to us a lot. We realized her personality wasn't compatible with ours at all. She gossiped ALL the time (even about us behind our backs), lied constantly, and she was really clingy and started leeching stuff off of us. Sometimes she would say rude or insensitive things and it was just miserable and annoying to be around her. As a result, we became distant from her and she realized it but she had no clue why until we sat her down and told her.Im not saying you are anything like this, but maybe you should reflect on what you are doing to determine if you are doing something wrong. Definitely talk to them and get it out into the open. Be straight forward about how you are feeling and ask them what the matter is.
Slightly-Mad Slightly-Mad 7 years
It's hard to get over things like this, I've been there before and I'm starting to go through that again right now. I'm really sorry with how things are turning out because I know exactly how that feels. You should open up to new people in case your friends don't realize what they're doing. It will help you in the long run and you will be happier someday =]
cgmaetc cgmaetc 7 years
You didn't change. They didn't change. You grew. They didn't. And that's ok. You'll find new friends.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 7 years
You didn't change. They didn't change.You grew. They didn't. And that's ok. You'll find new friends.
XP0S3D XP0S3D 7 years
I say you sit down with them over coffee or somewhere along the lines and talk it out. It'll make you feel awkward that it's you versus them, but discussing about the situation is going only going to clarify the status of your relationship with them. It may turn out one or the other. It may bring you and your group of friends what it once was or a realization that it's time to let them go and venture off with other friends. People change (for both the good and worse) and unfortunately, friends do as well. The earlier you know it's time to move on, the better. It's easy to say, but I know It's hard to let go of friends, especially those whom you've been friends for a while now. I didn't have a big group friends in high school, but enough to keep myself company. After graduation, I only spoke to a fraction of them once in a while. About two whom I speak regularly still. Now that I'm in college, school and work have taken most of my time and unlike high school, I had more free time then. I had to let loose some of my friends, because I came to an understanding that I have more responsibilities on my plate and they weren't quite understanding of where I stand. It's hard, but you gotta do what you have to do. Good luck.
XP0S3D XP0S3D 7 years
I say you sit down with them over coffee or somewhere along the lines and talk it out. It'll make you feel awkward that it's you versus them, but discussing about the situation is going only going to clarify the status of your relationship with them. It may turn out one or the other. It may bring you and your group of friends what it once was or a realization that it's time to let them go and venture off with other friends. People change (for both the good and worse) and unfortunately, friends do as well. The earlier you know it's time to move on, the better. It's easy to say, but I know It's hard to let go of friends, especially those whom you've been friends for a while now.I didn't have a big group friends in high school, but enough to keep myself company. After graduation, I only spoke to a fraction of them once in a while. About two whom I speak regularly still. Now that I'm in college, school and work have taken most of my time and unlike high school, I had more free time then. I had to let loose some of my friends, because I came to an understanding that I have more responsibilities on my plate and they weren't quite understanding of where I stand. It's hard, but you gotta do what you have to do.Good luck.
Merlin713 Merlin713 7 years
If you really want to you should sit and talk with them about this. If that doesn't work out, then, maybe it is time to let them go, like the first post suggests. You should let them know how you feel, and as Dear says, try to plan things in advance. Something fun that you all can share a good time with. You can only do so much. I am in the same situation with a group of my friends who I have been with for 9 years now. It hurts, and I think we have all realized that right now we're just going to cool it. We all still talk, but not as much. We are still "friends" but not nearly in the sense we used to be. We see each other maybe once a month. I think that's the best for now. We've drifted apart, and as soon as we collectively realized that, we were better off with the entire situation. Good luck to you.
Merlin713 Merlin713 7 years
If you really want to you should sit and talk with them about this. If that doesn't work out, then, maybe it is time to let them go, like the first post suggests.You should let them know how you feel, and as Dear says, try to plan things in advance. Something fun that you all can share a good time with. You can only do so much.I am in the same situation with a group of my friends who I have been with for 9 years now. It hurts, and I think we have all realized that right now we're just going to cool it. We all still talk, but not as much. We are still "friends" but not nearly in the sense we used to be. We see each other <i>maybe</i> once a month. I think that's the best for now. We've drifted apart, and as soon as we collectively realized that, we were better off with the entire situation. Good luck to you.
Asia84 Asia84 7 years
Sounds like your friends are haters. yes, very much big time. it sounds like they are a bunch of young girls. when you're younger, a lot of times you're not as sure about your life. things aren't as smooth. when you first become an adult, you realize you have to take care of adult business. you probably have a decent car, a decent job that is flexible around your school schedule. school indicates that you're taking some control over your future (even if your major is undecided). your friends may not have all of those things happening right now. (perent's are cutting them off. they have to grow up and it can be emotionally daunting). therefore, they start hating on you. you need to stay focused on what you are doing. don't even get caught up in the drama. you'll find great friends along the way. friends come and go. some stick around, some fade away only to pop back up years later. just keep being you.
Asia84 Asia84 7 years
Sounds like your friends are haters. yes, very much big time.it sounds like they are a bunch of young girls.when you're younger, a lot of times you're not as sure about your life. things aren't as smooth. when you first become an adult, you realize you have to take care of adult business.you probably have a decent car, a decent job that is flexible around your school schedule. school indicates that you're taking some control over your future (even if your major is undecided).your friends may not have all of those things happening right now. (perent's are cutting them off. they have to grow up and it can be emotionally daunting).therefore, they start hating on you. you need to stay focused on what you are doing. don't even get caught up in the drama.you'll find great friends along the way. friends come and go. some stick around, some fade away only to pop back up years later.just keep being you.
emalove emalove 7 years
Hmmm...I guess I'd try sitting down and talking to them about it. Especially if you consider them close friends. I don't know why they'd be ganging up on you and acting that way. Maybe they're angry that you've been so busy?? I have no idea. I'd never treat a friend like that. I can't relate too much to your situation, I've had the same group of best friends for almost my whole life...but I have had acquaintance-type friends come and go throughout the years. I guess it's normal for people and relationships to change. I hope it works out!
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 7 years
This is very common for a girl to experience if she has a group of girlfriends. They don't want to see you change, and they resent you for it. I suggest you make some new friends...Maybe people at work, people at a local gym, or even join a club (i.e. dance, etc.). I know how it feels to lose your friends and realize you don't have many more people you can turn to, but I think it's time for you to move on. You've changed (or they have), so find someone new friends that fit your new life and won't act like clique-y high school girls.
aimeeb aimeeb 7 years
People change, friends come and go. I'd say try and talk to them if this continues. If things don't change after that you might need to just let them go. Friendships take two people to work, just like any other relationship.
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