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You Asked: My Husband Cheated and Had a Secret Child

Dear Sugar,

I just found out a secret that my husband of eight years has been keeping from me. He's the father of my three girls, (ages 11, seven, and seven months) and he just told me that he has a 2-year-old daughter, which means he cheated on me while we were married.

I can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done differently to prevent him from wanting to be with someone else. I know it wasn't my fault, and that what he did was wrong, but I still love my husband and want to work things out. Am I making the wrong choice?

— Betrayed and Broken-Hearted Brittany

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Betrayed and Broken-Hearted Brittany,

I'm glad you said that this affair wasn't your fault, but I'm not sure you truly believe that. If you did, you wouldn't be wondering what you could have done to prevent him from cheating. He was the one who made the horrible choice to sleep with someone else. By doing that, he disrespected you, your family, and he betrayed your trust. This had nothing to do with you. If he was unhappy in the marriage, then he should have talked to you about it instead of going behind your back and having an affair.

I know you want this marriage to work, but in order for that to happen, you're going to need to find a way to forgive him so you're not always worried that he'll cheat again. The bottom line here is that you can't trust him right now and trust is one of the qualities that is a must in a relationship. With that said, are you sure that he's no longer sleeping with this other woman? Are you sure he hasn't had any other affairs, or more children with other women?

Only you can know if you are making the right decision or not. I know your heart is telling you to stay with him, but what is your voice of reason saying? Remember that you are in charge of the well-being of your three children, so think about what kind of a man you want in their lives. With them in mind, I know you'll make the right decision. Good luck.

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Cathy15105375 Cathy15105375 2 years
I just found out a week ago that when my husband went to the Phillipines on vacation with some friends he had a one night stand with a woman. Out of that supposed mistake he fathered a child with her I think a year ago. The only reason I found out is because he took money from our savings and sent it to her via fed express. We have been married for 26 years, two adult children. He worked overseas and would come back 3 times a year. He never told me he was lonely or how he was feeling. Now I have this child to deal with and the pain and anger of knowing he wasn't responsible. What 52 year old man doesn't wear a condom in this day and age?? He says he loves me and our kids and that he is very sorry for what happened. If anyone had told me that my husband would do this to me I would never believe them. I don't know if I should stay in this marriage or walk away and start a new life. I'm so confused... The hurt is unbearable and I feel I will never get over this situation given that a child is out there in the Phillipines. I don't even know how to care? How can a woman who knows a man is married do that and the funny part is that this woman has the same first name as me. It is tearing me apart.
nikodarling nikodarling 8 years
No one can tell you what to do. Every situation is different, every relationship is different. Some people may be able to live with this, some may not. Having children makes this whole situation alot more complicated. Get into counselling - the whole family. If your husband cares at all he will join you. Search your soul for the answer - can you live with this? Only you can answer that.
808lisa 808lisa 8 years
Be sure to consider counseling not just for your own heart, but for your children's ones too. It's not their fault this all happened but sadly many kids interpret their parents' unhappiness as their own doing... also one day when they are all adults (or even sooner) they will most likely have some sort of relationship with their half sibling. All parties need to think about that too so that the kids don't all resent each other for decades to come. Best of luck to you!
ambermarie ambermarie 8 years
OBVIOUSLY leave him, how is that even a question
Tangie Tangie 8 years
With all due respect, It's times like this that make me proud to be single, and very very self secure.God bless your family.
Tangie Tangie 8 years
With all due respect, It's times like this that make me proud to be single, and very very self secure. God bless your family.
Eternity Eternity 8 years
As someone who has 'loved him and want to work things out' with a guy that cheated during a 6 year relationship, I really recommend you leave him. It sounds drastic, but a cheater is always a cheater, and the betrayal this shows is indicitive of something much much worse. You may also never recover from the feelings of mistrust, and it could begin to rot the relationship.If you still decide to work it out for yourself or the kids, counselling is mandatory. Nothing you did made him cheat..guys just lack control sometimes, and it was his insecurity and personal issues that made him do it.
Eternity Eternity 8 years
As someone who has 'loved him and want to work things out' with a guy that cheated during a 6 year relationship, I really recommend you leave him. It sounds drastic, but a cheater is always a cheater, and the betrayal this shows is indicitive of something much much worse. You may also never recover from the feelings of mistrust, and it could begin to rot the relationship. If you still decide to work it out for yourself or the kids, counselling is mandatory. Nothing you did made him cheat..guys just lack control sometimes, and it was his insecurity and personal issues that made him do it.
Jeng112 Jeng112 8 years
Both of you need to get tested for STD's. Make the appointment together, so he can see the repercussions of his actions (besides the child). He should understand in some small degree, that his actions cause this worry. Is he taking care of this 2 year old? He can't pretend that didn't happen. As a woman, it's hard to forgive when a man doesn't understand the emotions women put behind sex. Is he truly remorseful? Why did he wait so long to tell you? Are you going to tell your kids about their half-sibling? Do yourself a big favor and get family counseling, no matter what you decide. No matter what, both you and the women with whom he had an affair are forever connected to him. For the kids' sake, I hope he does right by the both of you.
eee123 eee123 8 years
leave.now.
eee123 eee123 8 years
leave.now.
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
RockAndRepublic I have to agree with you on this one.
Stella10 Stella10 8 years
I think your making the wrong choice. I think you should leave him. Women get comfortable and then it's hard for them to move on or start again. He disrespected you, cheated and lied. You need to step out of the situation and take time to decide whether or not you can really and truly forgive him. If you can jump back in and make it work. If you can't get a great lawyer and make sure you get everything.
geohiker geohiker 8 years
wow - how difficult. And, it's tough to make decisions when you have kids involved; it's always easier to kick someone to the curb if you don't have to see him again, but the kids mean you are always going to be involved in each other lives. Good luck, and I agree with the above comment about being sure you have a therapist or someone else outside to talk with about this.
geohiker geohiker 8 years
wow - how difficult. And, it's tough to make decisions when you have kids involved; it's always easier to kick someone to the curb if you don't have to see him again, but the kids mean you are always going to be involved in each other lives. Good luck, and I agree with the above comment about being sure you have a therapist or someone else outside to talk with about this.
MuppetsForDinner MuppetsForDinner 8 years
Men are assholes sometime. I don't know if I could ever trust my husband again.
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 8 years
Only you can decide if it is the right decision to stay with him. Personally, I don't think I couldstay with someone who had betrayed me as much as he has, lying about his 2 year old child.
Dollylo Dollylo 8 years
I've known the same situation last year. Except that the child was not born yet, the gil was 2 months pregnant... (And didn't kept the baby).I felt totally destroyed. I can't give you advices cause it's hard to tell someone what to do when you're not in his shoes....The only thing I could tell you is to think about you and protect yourself from a deeper pain.I'm sure you already know what to do with your husband...So just stay strong and do not hesitate to talk to your family and friends. They are the best support you can find and you need them right now.Don't try to deal everything on your own. You need some love and support from people who really love you.And if you want a little "virtual" talk, feel free to mail me anytime. I'll be there.Much love
Dollylo Dollylo 8 years
I've known the same situation last year. Except that the child was not born yet, the gil was 2 months pregnant... (And didn't kept the baby). I felt totally destroyed. I can't give you advices cause it's hard to tell someone what to do when you're not in his shoes.... The only thing I could tell you is to think about you and protect yourself from a deeper pain. I'm sure you already know what to do with your husband... So just stay strong and do not hesitate to talk to your family and friends. They are the best support you can find and you need them right now. Don't try to deal everything on your own. You need some love and support from people who really love you. And if you want a little "virtual" talk, feel free to mail me anytime. I'll be there. Much love
tabloidprincess tabloidprincess 8 years
Leave him.
tabloidprincess tabloidprincess 8 years
Leave him.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
How does your husband feel about this? Does he love you? Does he want to remain married to you?Honestly, I don't understand how you can still love your husband. If you didn't have children, would you still want to remain with him?
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
How does your husband feel about this? Does he love you? Does he want to remain married to you? Honestly, I don't understand how you can still love your husband. If you didn't have children, would you still want to remain with him?
Julienne Julienne 8 years
That's disgusting! I can't find an other word for this! To cheat on you is a terrible thing, but being ignorant, selfish and doing it unprotected is even worse! It's disgusting! It gives me chills that he could have infected you AND your newborn baby, what a moron! You deserve better, a budgie would do a better job as a husband
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