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I'm 24 and Engaged, and No, I'm Not Too Young to Get Married

You Asked: My Husband Wants to Have a Threesome

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been together for two years. We recently had a son who is 5 months old, and we just got married September 20, 2007. He has been talking about having a threesome for almost a year now, with another woman. It's one of his fantasies and the subject only comes up during sex, which we haven't had much of since our son was born.

I don't really have any interest in women, and I couldn't imagine another woman having sex with my husband. I do want to fulfill my hubby's fantasy, but I don't want to be hurt at all from it.

Since I'm not into the whole threesome idea, just to please him, last night (while we were having sex) I asked him if he would like to have sex with another woman when I'm not around, kind of like a girlfriend, and he told me he would love it. I asked him if he knew of anyone in particular and he told me there is a new girl in his office that he thinks is attractive. I told him he could try her. He asked me if I would be mad if he gave her his cell phone number and I told him no. I told him I was willing to do anything that makes him happy.

Today I am torn about the conversation we had last night. I don't even want to go home after work; I just want to cry. He has never lied or cheated on me, and he respects me, pays all our bills, and is the best husband in the world. What did I do?

—Torn and Upset Tina

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Torn and Upset Tina,

Since you are a new mom, I bet you're probably too exhausted to even think about having sex. Part of me is worried that you are only agreeing to let your hubby be with another woman because you feel guilty that you aren't satisfying him sexually. Your husband should be understanding and patient until your body and mind are ready to have sex again. Aside from being a new mom, it sounds like your man is into experimenting sexually, which is awesome, but he needs to respect your position as well. Since you're not really into inviting other people into your bedroom (which I completely understand), it's great that you are willing to suggest other options.

Even though you originally suggested that he have sex with another woman, it sounds like you changed your mind, which you are totally allowed to do. If you go against your judgment, not only do I foresee this ruining your relationship and sex life, but he's also putting your health at risk (hello STIs!). You should talk about this some more (I suggest when you are not having sex) so you can lay out all your feelings and concerns on the table. Things are bound to change if he has sex with another woman, even if he promises they won't.

There's got to be other ways you two can get creative under the sheets without there being another woman involved. Get yourself some sex toys, books, videos, or get a babysitter for the weekend so you two can take a romantic weekend somewhere alone. We all want to make our significant others happy, but there's something wrong if it makes you unhappy. Good luck to you, Tina.

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ali321 ali321 6 years
I don't think it's ever a good idea to bring another person in when emotions are involved. And you're married so they will be involved. I have no idea why you agreed to this if it's not something that you know you are completely comfortable with. Some people are. I'm not one of them. It just sounds like a bad idea. I mean it's the beginning of your marriage and he already wants someone else. And you not only said he could sleep with someone, you said he could have a girlfriend. I agree that it might just be the sex that was talking. Some things turn you on then, but then when reality hits it's another issue. Hopefully he will understand this. But honestly he seems pretty persistent. A lot of guys want threesomes, but most of them don't really expect it from their wife. I'd say you sound incompatible sexually and that's a big problem. If it bothers you when he hasn't done it yet, then how bad will you feel 3 years down the line when he's been sleeping around and you don't know what he's brought home to you? Please don't do this just to make him happy. He needs to think about your happiness too.And for those of you suggesting that he will change his mind when she suggests that she sleep with another man that might not be the case. Some guys are turned on by that. If that's the case I don't think it will work in the long run unless he's willing to put that all aside. If he's really serious than there really isn't a way to make them both happy unfortunately. Good luck!
ali321 ali321 6 years
I don't think it's ever a good idea to bring another person in when emotions are involved. And you're married so they will be involved. I have no idea why you agreed to this if it's not something that you know you are completely comfortable with. Some people are. I'm not one of them. It just sounds like a bad idea. I mean it's the beginning of your marriage and he already wants someone else. And you not only said he could sleep with someone, you said he could have a girlfriend. I agree that it might just be the sex that was talking. Some things turn you on then, but then when reality hits it's another issue. Hopefully he will understand this. But honestly he seems pretty persistent. A lot of guys want threesomes, but most of them don't really expect it from their wife. I'd say you sound incompatible sexually and that's a big problem. If it bothers you when he hasn't done it yet, then how bad will you feel 3 years down the line when he's been sleeping around and you don't know what he's brought home to you? Please don't do this just to make him happy. He needs to think about your happiness too. And for those of you suggesting that he will change his mind when she suggests that she sleep with another man that might not be the case. Some guys are turned on by that. If that's the case I don't think it will work in the long run unless he's willing to put that all aside. If he's really serious than there really isn't a way to make them both happy unfortunately. Good luck!
gigilgirl gigilgirl 6 years
Your husband told you that? Why don't you ask him why he had such fantasies...
red4bonez red4bonez 8 years
whoa you gave him persmission to sleep someone else to be happy? what about your happiness? what is he willing to do for you? how about not sleeping with anyone? I dont get it. I would be discuted if another women would sleep with my man. No matter how happy it would make him. Who cares if he is unhappy how upset will you be after he will sleep with this girl? and touch her like he touches you? and kiss her like he kisses you? I would be ouraged upset and everything in between. You need to tell him no. He got married to you and he needs to understand that. hey you have been together for 2 years and he has been talking about 3some for year? Maybe he is just looking for an excuse to sleep with someone else. You need to tell him how you feel and stuff. Otherwise he will be happy but what about you??
getstinko getstinko 8 years
BEST HUSBAND? in what world - pervert, asshole world? You just had a kid and he's hammering you on 3somes? and said he'd like an outside girl, someone in his office. Honey, you'd better lay down the law big time!! You and he are married - do not stay with this jackass just for your son - the worst thing a child can see is a mother disrespected by a father who can't grow up past the needs of his d*ck~! I'm sorry but threesomes in marriage are a no-no, it's like a contradiction. Take the carpet off your back and stop getting walked all over.
getstinko getstinko 8 years
BEST HUSBAND? in what world - pervert, asshole world? You just had a kid and he's hammering you on 3somes? and said he'd like an outside girl, someone in his office. Honey, you'd better lay down the law big time!! You and he are married - do not stay with this jackass just for your son - the worst thing a child can see is a mother disrespected by a father who can't grow up past the needs of his d*ck~! I'm sorry but threesomes in marriage are a no-no, it's like a contradiction. Take the carpet off your back and stop getting walked all over.
DARiEN DARiEN 8 years
I think he should've thought about this whole threesome thing before you got married and had a child. But i think you should talk to him about it, let him know how you really feel, and let things just go from there.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
some things should remain a fantasy. you do this and you will have regrets, i garauntee it! you;re not gonna feel good about yourself afterwards, especially since she works with him. you're gonna have all kinds of thoughs running through your head. besides, unless you are a bit open to engaging in lesbian activities, it's gonna be very hard to play out this act. it's not like the movies where everything is smooth and beautiful. and how are you gonna feel seeing her with her clothes off. us women judge each other's bodies all the time (even subconciously). and you have to wonder if your hubby wanted her for the 3 way, he must be physically attracted. that's goona play with your self esteem. DONT DO IT GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
some things should remain a fantasy.you do this and you will have regrets, i garauntee it!you;re not gonna feel good about yourself afterwards, especially since she works with him. you're gonna have all kinds of thoughs running through your head.besides, unless you are a bit open to engaging in lesbian activities, it's gonna be very hard to play out this act. it's not like the movies where everything is smooth and beautiful. and how are you gonna feel seeing her with her clothes off. us women judge each other's bodies all the time (even subconciously). and you have to wonder if your hubby wanted her for the 3 way, he must be physically attracted. that's goona play with your self esteem.DONT DO IT GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SusanTeufel SusanTeufel 8 years
It's not all about him. It's about the both of you, sweetie. Best of luck - let him know how you feel.
SusanTeufel SusanTeufel 8 years
It's not all about him. It's about the both of you, sweetie.Best of luck - let him know how you feel.
futonfighter futonfighter 8 years
Just don't give a guy that opening if there's even an atom of possibility that you don't mean it. Seriously, why put it out there YOURSELF? His default excuse will then be: you're the one that suggested it, I wouldn't have done it otherwise. Not worth the fallout really.
futonfighter futonfighter 8 years
Just don't give a guy that opening if there's even an atom of possibility that you don't mean it. Seriously, why put it out there YOURSELF? His default excuse will then be: you're the one that suggested it, I wouldn't have done it otherwise.Not worth the fallout really.
appreciated appreciated 8 years
A friend of mine was with a guy for 6 years, had a kid, not married but living together, the works. They started with a threesome then she started having sex with other partners (with his permission). Things went in a downward spiral until it was over. Turns out he had been cheating on her prior to that. I think a threesome and other partners is just bad news if you're looking for a long term - family, etc - relationship. That's my 2 cents.
appreciated appreciated 8 years
A friend of mine was with a guy for 6 years, had a kid, not married but living together, the works. They started with a threesome then she started having sex with other partners (with his permission). Things went in a downward spiral until it was over. Turns out he had been cheating on her prior to that. I think a threesome and other partners is just bad news if you're looking for a long term - family, etc - relationship. That's my 2 cents.
AshleyDaigh AshleyDaigh 8 years
IMS it has nothing to do with the husband not finding the wife attactive anymore. It has to do with this guy never being satisfied with just one woman. In my opinion this marriage will never last nor that I think it should last with a guy that would push this woman into doing things that benefits just his wants and needs and a woman that seems so weak minded that she thinks because he pays the bills that he's the best husband in the world. Sorry, but this guy will control this woman for the rest of her life if he doesn't wake up and realize what a complete ass he's being and decide if he wants to be a husband/father or be a player. She needs someone that respects her, not someone who is using her. I think he wants this girl at work and I think she wants him too or it would not have com up so quickly. I know a lot of guys that cheat and 9 times out of 10 it's with a woman at work. It's a tough situaion to be in for sure. My best to you though.
manhattan-girl manhattan-girl 8 years
Ahhh see I disagree! 1st off, call me old-fashioned, but you ARE married, and I can't help but wonder what ever happened to monogomy? That being said, you DID already tell him it was OK. Nothing is worse then offering something up to someone, they accept, and then changing your mind. "Here's a hundred dollars, no, its no big deal." Then, just as you're about to buy that new pair of jeans, the person comes running and says, "Oh, no, wait, sorry, I actually need that $100 back, I'm broke!" It's worse than if you'd never had that $100 at all, so you never would have even got your hopes up to buy those pair of jeans. See where I'm going with this? Being disappointed is worse then being told no. I'm sorry to say this, but my advice is suck it up, at least this 1 time. Trust me when I say he'll end up doing it anyway, and if you say no, he'll want her more. So don't backtrack. Just think before you speak next time.
LadyLiLa83 LadyLiLa83 8 years
I can understand that you were probably just caught in the moment and what he was saying, and all you were thinking about was making him happy. Trust me, you're not the only one this has happened to. I would say the best thing to do is talk to him STAT. Let him know how you feel. If he's going to be mad at you for how you feel, maybe you're better off without him. Good luck!! :)
frizzybeargirl frizzybeargirl 8 years
this is a very bad idea, actually the worst idea I have ever heard, he can now have his cake and eat it too. Wow really you are that "happy" to please your new husband that you would let him sleep with another woman. I know have heard it all.
averypinklady averypinklady 8 years
Wow this guy is not very religious is he? I mean when a chick gets married one would hope these subjects would never come up. Now that this nice stable member of the community I'm sure... has spoken and re-spoken. Hmmm what to do...Say absolutely not. There is no way you signed up to have these steamy conversations about you and some girl he already has in mind. Guys like that are not marriage men. These are guys who find it hotter to commit the bigger sin in most religious orders. We are in the US he got married here not in some part of the world this type of thing would be expected. My goodness. As if bearing him a child was not enough. He just wants a chance to be unfaithful with your permission right in front of you no less. Oh yeah and join in? Guys that that are horrible. He has issues...No I do not recommmend counseling why spend money for him to re-tell his story over and over. I am sorry this happened to you. God bless you.
LadyP LadyP 8 years
A side note: My husband doesn't ask me all the time but he has asked my opinion on it and asked if I would ever consider it...which I WOULDN'T!
LadyP LadyP 8 years
My husband has asked the same thing and I say no. There is no way that I could look at him the same after he had sex with another woman in front of me. NO way. A marriage is between two people, not two people and this person and that person. I would tell him it's not happening...
sabrinaBee sabrinaBee 8 years
Can't believe you agreed to it. Tell him that you changed your mind completely and at once. Tell him how you feel. It's the worst things getting a third person in your relationship - married or not! Threesomes only ruin relationships! Sorry to say this but if your husband really loved you he wouldn't ever think of having sex with another woman. You can't say yes to everything just because you want to please him. What about you? You will end up heartbroken. Things will change after his encounter with her. For sure. Would you know if he continues seeing her after? After all they meet everyday at work. Please don't allow this to happen to you and your marriage.
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