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You Asked: My Long Distance Boyfriend's Girl Friend

You Asked: My Long Distance Boyfriend's Girl Friend

Dear Sugar --

I have been dating my boyfriend for over four years and I trust him very much. I know he loves me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. We have been having a long distance relationship for over two years due to work. About 8 months ago he met a girl that he talks to a lot. Later I found out that she was spending the night at his apartment quite often because she was too drunk to drive home. I asked him to not allow this anymore and he hasn't.

My problem is that lately he has been comparing me to her. He also talks to her everyday. They send each other text messages and I feel like she is getting more attention than I am. Should I be jealous, and how do I handle the situation? I do trust my boyfriend, it is her that I do not trust. It also does not help that she lives in the same city as he does and I am thousands of miles away. ~ Long Distance Lolita

To see DEARSUGAR'S Answer,

Dear Lolita --

To put it bluntly: Yes, you should be jealous and you should do something about it. Whether or not your boyfriend is cheating physically, he is definitely cheating emotionally. It sounds like he is using his relationship with this other girl to fill a need to be close to someone who is not thousands of miles away. I am not saying this is the right thing for him to be doing, but he is doing it nonetheless.

The good news is that it seems like he is willing to listen to you and adjust his behavior. When you told him to stop letting her spend the night at his apartment, he did. I think it is time for you to now tell him that his relationship with this girl is making you uncomfortable and you want him to end it. If he truly loves you and respects your relationship, he will listen and take action.

If he fights you or seems defensive in any way, it might be time to take a serious look at your long term prospects with this guy. Long distance relationships are hard enough without this added wrinkle. Listen to your gut instinct and ask yourself if this relationship is causing you more stress than happiness. If so, it might be time to cut your losses and move on. Good luck.

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fiestygirl fiestygirl 9 years
i am sorry to say this made me cry a bit. i was in this EXACT situation about 3 yrs ago. Even got the drunk and had to stay over excuse. We were together for five years! And yes, I found out that he did cheat on me. Get out now. There is obviously something wrong here or you wouldn't be writing in. You know too. You just are not ready to let go, maybe bc it feels safe to stay in the relationship. So you know you have someone, while you can live your normal life. You are only keeping yourself from meeting the right one.
Eternity Eternity 9 years
I can understand both sides to this, however he is more in the wrong. She has every right to be upset..in a long distance relationship one of the biggest challenges is overcoming the feeling of no control...you are not there to gain a true perspective of the other person's life. This can lead to feeling inadequate, paranoid, stressed out due to the instability, there are so many factors at play. Where he is concerned, he may really only feel a close platonic connection with this girl which makes it hard for him to give in to what he probably perceives as an irriationally jealous demand from his far-away partner. They need to compromise in this situation. She needs to realize that she is NOT near him, and that means he has to get some needs met in other ways - and I don't mean sexual. Humans go crazy without so much as a hug or handshake from someone they trust every now and then. He needs to understand her insecurity and need for stability, but in the end all things lead to trust.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
jealous; no. simgle; yes. he's not really yours anymore now is he? better to find out now. if nothing else he doens't have appropriate limits with other women and that would not be a good thing in the long run. better relationship ahead :)
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
I was "the other girl" in this situation (without meaning to be-- he lied and said he wasn't in a relationship). Trust me, your boyfriend is CHEATING. Something is happening, or has happened, with this chick. He is being dishonest with himself first, you second, and this girl third. Both of you ladies are getting the shaft!!! In my situation, the guy had been in a long-distance relationship for four years in which they saw each other only every 6 months. We hung out at a graduate school function, ended up kissing and talking all night, and he asked me on a date. Things went along like this until one day a couple of weeks later, he just decided to tell me that he was in a relationship. I FREAKED OUT and told him I couldn't see him until he had ended it, and that he needed to decide between us. Really dumb of me: I should have seen that this guy was a manipulative liar from the beginning and cut him out of my life completely. Anyway, he came back having "broken up" with her, we commenced a relationship, and then a couple of weeks later I went to turn off my laptop and he'd left his e-mail open. Sure enough, a glance revealed that there were current love letters between the two of them. It was NOT over-- I still don't know if he'd even tried to break it off. In any case, he was lying to both of us, and made me, an honest person, the "other woman" without even knowing. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a dick like this guy was, but you need to confront him and give him an ultimatum, for sure. I feel like a lot of guys aren't self-aware enough to be honest about their feelings sometimes. I'm sure he loves you, but you need to love yourself in this situation. good luck!
Megg21 Megg21 9 years
I would definately talk to your boyfriend if I were you. This is kind of how my boyfriend and mine's relationship started! He was in a long term relationship (though it was a negative one which yours doesn't sound like) but they were in the same city. We spent a lot of time together (because we were housemates at the time) and eventually they broke up and a few months later we got together. Anyway, I agree that I don't think an ultimatum is the right way to go. Since your boyfriend seems pretty open with it (which is a good sign) I think having an honest discussion with him is the first and most important step and then take it from there. I mean, he clearly shares with you how often they talk and stuff. I agree with someone who said she's probably just filling a physical (not sexual) void that your lack of presence creates.
JustMe21 JustMe21 9 years
I definatly agree with DearSugar. You need to do somthing or you may loose him completely. Just talk to him, tell him how this all makes you feel and if he understands and wants the relationship to work, he'll quit all of these shananagins. Good luck!
pixiechick pixiechick 9 years
I agree with cravinsugar, an ultimatum will make you seem controlling. If he does comply with your ultimatum he'll never forget it. I also agree that he is crossing a line here. I would NOT accept a drunk girl sleeping in my bfs house!! Why couldnt she call a cab? Being drunk sounds like an excuse to me.
katie225 katie225 9 years
i have this same problem, just not as intense. my bf has a lot of girl friends, and i hate it! things that i'd be okay with him saying to his guy friends, i don't feel comfortable with him talking to a girl about. my bf doesn't understand that SO MANY women find joy, acceptance, and feel beautiful when a guy gives her more attention than he gives his girlfriend, or even when he cheats on her. i've tried the "her or me" bit, and it only strains our relationship more, so i don't suggest doing it. and talking to him about his relationships with other girls just makes him defensive. there's really nothing you can do but sit there and take it, or leave if it gets too bad. it's not bad enough in my relationship to leave over, but with lolita's situation, i think it is!
andaman andaman 9 years
Tell him this is beyond friendly. They are flirting. Totally disrespectful. She wants him I'm sure.
andaman andaman 9 years
She stayed the night when she was drunk!!! NO that's not on (she shouldn't have drunk too much in the first place, that's so stupid, you are right to have told him off). It's not like she's your sister or his counsin! She shouldn't be texting her everyday! What is she? His mum?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Hmmm, this does sound odd. I think you are having a feeling in your gut and I think that's important to listen to. The thing that gets me is that he's comparing you to her. I think that's really strange and I'm not sure why he'd do that unless he's trying to pick or something? I think something is up. I'm not saying he's cheating or he's not. I do think a conversation is required though to clear the air.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
I agree with DearSugar. This relationship is becoming more than just platonic friends emotionally. Men don't call and text their guy friends all day everyday. In this situation he needs to decide which is more important. Continuing to cultivate your relationship or his relationship with his girl friend. It's not giving him an ULTIMATUM but asking him to examine what he is truly feeling and what he wants from the relationship. Don't feel like because you have doubts that equals a lack of trust. Emotional infidelity can be just as hurtful and heinous as physical infidelity. Holla Back!
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I also disagree with Dear Sugar. Having a friend is not the problem here. Yes, it will be natural to be a bit jealous of the situation but if you say you trust him. Maybe because you are jealous of this friend (since she does spend time with him) you are starting to doubt him, once that happens -- you guys may be going down. Telling him is either she or I would only make you look like a person who doesn't trust him and won't lead to anything good. I would talk to him and tell him, that it actually makes you feel unconfortable that he is always talking to her and that his actions make you feel like he may be interested in more with her and that you feel you guys are growing apart and put it in his court, so to speak. I find it interesting that he apparently tells you everything so there are no secrets which is usually a plus but-- maybe he is doing this to make you jealous? Has he asked you to move closer? Is he the one that moved to a new location and this is his first stab at new friends? I had a long distance relationship years ago and he had a great female friend, I trusted him and did not care -- then again my gut was not saying there was something wrong. Bottom line to me is if you trust him whether you trust her should be irrelevant but I do not think you are being honest when you say you trust him completely.
missnomi missnomi 9 years
I never thought of it that way, cravinsugar, but you have an excellent point! Let's just hope I'll remember your advice in my own hour of need!
smith3 smith3 9 years
I agree with cravinsugar. An ultimatum saying it's her or you seems extreme, and is likely to do serious damage to your relationship even if he does pick you. He may (very understandably) feel that he has every right to have friends, and it shouldn't matter what sex they are. It sounds like he's been understanding in the past, so why not talk to him again, sharing your discomfort, and you only feel this way because you're jealous she gets to spend time with him and you don't.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 9 years
I disagree with Dearsugar on this and feel lots of women make this mistake. yes you need to confront him, but would you rather tell him "end it with her because it makes me uncomfortable" or have a conversation to se if he is still really in the relationship. If he isn't, and you give him an ultimatem-it will either hurt if you don't get the outcome you want, or he will do what you ask, but be unhappy and feel like you are controlling, etc. And then he will start to build a wall in the relationship and you are as good as done. As hard as it is, people grow apart. I am in a long distance relationship also and that is what i fear the most, but you can't force him to stay in it. you need to have a conversation with him, (which sucks over the phone, ,perhaps you can do video conferencing or something) figure out what you guys still want and if you are going that direction together. Being an adult sucks. _________________________________________________________ Why don't you wear the face you have when I am not around?
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
YIKES! I would defiantly be jealous. (Although I think I can be a very jealous person) When she would stay the night would other people stay the night also? If it was a big group, then I see nothing wrong with that. But, he texts and calls her is a little weird, since you are his girlfriend. I would defiantly talk to him about it and see how he reacts. If he is going to keep this up, thenyou are better without him. "I wear my sunglasses at night so I can, so I can watch you live and breathe your storylines"
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